The Perfect List

Chapter 1: 3 Easy Requirements

Rated M

Written by Turqcoyce

Summary: Three easy, superficial requirements made up the perfect list for Kiba's ideal woman. After a one-night stand gone horribly wrong that lands him in the hospital, he finds himself revising his list. Before he knows it, Kiba finds himself intrigued by the woman he least expected. Perhaps the perfect woman for Kiba is perfectly imperfect.

Author's Note: Welcome to my newest creative venture. I've had this idea for years, and now I believe it is at a point where I'm ready to share my creation. It's still a work in progress, but it's finally in motion. I hope you enjoy it.

The Perfect List (according to women):

1. Tall

2. Hansom

3. Great body

4. Great teeth

5. Sparkling eyes

6. Well endowed

7. Self – efficient

8. Loves kids

9. Kind to all people

10. Not a pushover

11. Strong

12. Protective

13. Listens

14. Sympathetic

15. Etc…

Women have this ridiculous, endless, contradictory list of what the perfect man should be. How is it possible for a man to be kind to all people and not be a pushover? Quite frankly, no such creature existed in reality. In fact, if he did, he was probably the world's biggest pussy, and not a man at all. Women are completely unrealistic creatures. Now here is a perfect list:

1. Great Tits

2. Great Ass

3. Not a nag

See, now that was a list. Straight to the point. Three simple requirements that any woman can achieve. He didn't ask much. Just those three things. Everything else was irrelevant.

Hands in pocket, shoulders slouched, and smirk in tact, he made his way down the darkened streets of Konoha. He was on the prowl. By no means was he looking for a wife, or even a girlfriend. He was looking for a warm female body that fit his list and was willing to spend the night with him. No strings attached. In and out. Literally.

He entered his go-to bar, where his friends often frequented. The bar was nothing special. Its clientele was special. For whatever reason - he was not one to second-guess a great thing - this bar always had the best selection of female company. Refusals of a late night rendezvous were far and few between. The civilian women must find the shinobi man an aphrodisiac. Show them a few battle scars and they were eager to see more flesh, particularly the appendage below his belt. Speaking of which, his 'buddy below' was signaling to him. There was a red head across the way that met the first two criteria on his list. He'd have to talk to her to find out if she met the third criteria, but honestly, the third didn't matter when she had a body like that. He shrugged. No biggie. He was flexible… he was hoping she was too…

"You must have seen something you liked."

He turned; there at their usual table were some of his friends: Naruto and Shikamaru. Some of the usual crew, doing what they do best: talking and drinking. He hadn't noticed them. Man, that red head was hot.

"Which one is she?" Shikamaru continued. "She's gotta be remarkable if you didn't notice us sitting here."

"Hey!" Naruto called. "How bout you take a seat? We just got here, we're waiting on the others."

He scratched the back of his head. "Yeah… sorry guys… I can't talk. I gotta get dis."

"Huh?" Naruto tried to question further but Shikamaru stopped him.

"He's found a girl already. The red-head on the other side of the room."

He raised an eyebrow. "How did you know?"

Shikamaru smirked and tapped his temple. "Genius. Remember?"

"I guess your genius never ceases to surprise me."

He was off to go claim his prize.

She was dancing with her friends to the music, but his tunnel vision blocked them out. Every move she made seemed to be in slow motion. Her arms were poised above her head and slowly made their way down her body. Her hands came over her shoulder, past her breasts, slowly traveling down her stomach and stopping on her hips.

With every flick of her hips, her breasts would bounce in response.

It was a beautiful chain reaction.

Her round hips would jiggle her full breasts.

She had to be a C-cup.

Had to be.

And he wouldn't mind being the one to investigate.

She had noticed him now. Her full lips curved upwards as she looked at him with half-lidded eyes. Her hair seemed even more vivid up close; he noticed that her locks ended just below her breasts, and that her fingers were playing with the ends of her hair. She moved her fingers to her nipples and bit her lip. Her blue eyes strictly on him.

He smirked. She would be easy.

"Hey beautiful," he threw away their personal space and stepped closer, capturing her chin in his hand. "I couldn't help but notice you across the room."

"And I couldn't help but notice you when you walked in." She purred.

The purr in her voice almost set him off. It was dead sexy.

He took a step closer so she could feel his excitement.

She ran her hands across his chest, stopping when she reached his belt.

"With abs that hard, you have to be a shinobi." She leaned forward, on her tiptoes to whisper in his ear. "I have a very soft spot for shinobi."

There it was. He could smell the spike in her excitement. She was ready. Real ready.

"I've got somethin' for that spot." He winked at her and nodded down, in the direction of his belt, where her hands still lied.

"Let's get out of here." She wrapped her arms around his arm and followed him out of the bar.

It didn't take long for them to reach his apartment. It didn't take long for every stitch of clothing to hit the floor. It didn't take long for her to climax. It didn't take long for him to climax.

It took her a while to catch a hint.

He wasn't one for pillow talk. In fact, he was ready for sleep. He was ready for her to leave.

But she was too busy making circles on his chest with her finger as they lay there. His hands were folded behind his head, eyes closed. She was pressed against his side, making obscure figures on his bare chest.

"This was very nice." She sighed happily.

"Yup."

"Are you from a specific shinobi clan?"

"Yup."

"Do you know how I knew?"

"Nope." Even though he did.

"The red triangles on your cheeks." He could hear the smile in her voice.

A beat of silence.

"Why do they point down?" She was now tracing the marking on his cheek.

"So you know where to go." Good one. He smirked to himself.

She slapped his chest. "Stop it. You're sooo bad." She giggled.

"They seemed to point you in the right direction." He smirked. "You're welcome."

"You should be thanking me." She whined.

"I did. If you remember."

"Oh!" She bolted up.

He cracked his one eye open to look at her. "What is it?"

She had pulled the sheets up to cover her breasts. For what reason, he didn't understand. He had seen them and had his fun with them.

"I completely forgot to introduce myself!" She giggled to herself. Her whole cutesy appeal was starting to bother him now. "My name is Akane."

"That's nice."

"Aaand?"

"And what?"

"Don't you have something to say?" Now she was frowning, and raising her eyebrow in question.

Yes. Yes he did.

"I do actually. Akane, I would greatly appreciate it if you would let yourself out. I've got things to do tomorrow morning."

He could see red flush across her chest and cheeks. Her blue eyes were now glaring darts at him. He sighed and closed his eyes. The removal of clingy women was never a fun process.

It was coming.

Meltdown in 3, 2, 1…

"You JERK! I was looking for you to tell me your name! I wanted to talk with you! Get to know you! But you tell me to leave?! You're one of the most arrogant men I've ever met!"

He could feel her yank the sheets from her body as she got out of the bed. She was screaming all sorts of creative expletives as she picked up her belongings and got dressed.

He heard her stomp out the bedroom. He yawned and stretched his limbs. He frowned as he heard her stomp back into the bedroom. He rubbed his eyes.

"If you're looking for your other shoe, it's probably in the bath- AHHHHH"

His eyes bulged as severe pain shot through his crotch. "What the FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!"

Akane smirked as he howled in pain. She had a very heavy lamp in her hand, that she used to just beat his junk – and not in a good way. At all.

"You dog! That's for being such a jerk off! Try to jerk yourself off in that condition, dip shit." She threw the lamp across the room and it broke the mirror on his wall.

She turned on her heel and walked out, slamming the apartment door behind her.

Normally, he would have attacked anyone who would do him bodily harm like that. But this wasn't a normal situation. He was curled into the fetal position gripping his junk and crying like a little bitch. He couldn't move no matter how he tried. His body had locked up on him and would not listen to him. His manhood was throbbing in pain, and there wasn't a thing he could do about it.

How did he even get in this situation? There's no way a woman could sneak up on him like that… but it just happened… He got too comfortable. His eyes should have been open. What had happened to his shinobi reflexes?

As he quivered in pain, her last words ran through his head. She had called him a dog. Fine. He had no problem with that. He loved dogs. He was an Inuzuka. He was Kiba Inuzuka. The next heir of the canine companion clan.

If he was a dog, she was the biggest bitch he knew.

He sighed in pain as he curled up tighter.

It was quite ironic how his cockiness got his cock in trouble.