Could you have anything more heavenly than this?
A real fire rustling away in the grate before her and his arm casually around her shoulders, listening as the sparks jumped and danced almost hypnotically as you watched their joy pervade as they filled the room with their confidence. It was as though they knew her reasons for being here as the embers crackled; a point of concentration as she became mesmerised by their mere presence. Her mind, once wandering as she had walked up the stairs, was now immovable. This was her fate; it must be, even though her hands were trembling at the prospect.
Chummy was encroaching ever so slightly with her knees pulled up and leaning on his lap, not wanting a moment's space between them. Peter certainly didn't seem to mind as all he felt the need to do was smile at her in utter contentment in the moments that they caught each other's eye. The atmosphere, in its all-enveloping warmth, might just have invited sleep too but Chummy knew she was cheating and it kept her wide awake for fear of what she was not sure.
"No-one will find out will they?" she had asked Peter as they walked arm in arm away from Nonnatus almost two hours ago now, looking nervously back as Trixie cycled away to a call and waving at them gleefully in goodbye as they went in the opposite direction.
"No" he'd replied simply, pulling her along as she lingered. "All you said was that we were going to have something to eat. You didn't say where".
'Where' just happened to be his lodgings in the attics of Empson Street fresh from a diversion to collect fish and chips and two bottles of ginger beer from the shop on the corner and having eaten they were now indulging in some well-earned peace. The sky outside was now a elegant shade of navy, but long ago Peter had closed the curtains turned and smiled at her sitting comfortably on his settee. Little he knew at that point as all he wanted was her there.
Back in a rather pleasant state of togetherness now for almost a week, the dining rooms nor the cinema held any attraction over creeping upstairs past his landlady, cosseted in each other's company and what had transpired to be rather a significant decision made three nights ago, but one she had not yet imparted to this person who had not quite been her fiancé just yet. That was probably the reason she was so neurotic now that she would be seen where she shouldn't be as though the world and all that was dear to her would find out.
All of a sudden, even though the fire was casting a soothing glow around them in the darkness of his sitting room, Chummy shivered, like someone had danced over her last resting place and Peter noticed it immediately.
"Are you alright?" he asked, taking the opportunity to press a chaste kiss to her forehead, the first words he had spoken to her in some while as he too had become mesmerised by the fire. Peter was not thinking what was causing her to shiver was the fact that the hand that was attached to the arm over her shoulder was ever so gently skirting the collar of her dress, catching her skin at all too infrequent intervals as it traversed back and forth. There was no intention or ruse behind it as his fingertips had simply fallen there and it was, on one hand, soothing her rattling heart but on the other was fuelling new sensations and ones that felt rather divine.
Chummy suppressed a smile as she raised her head and nodded at him. She still couldn't read that look on his face except it seemed to be drilling into her very soul.
"I have no idea what to feel" she whispered, her voice contemplative and low, not really thinking he might have any answers to her questions regardless of whether she asked them or not. "I know what I should be saying and feeling but it's quite so contrary to what one truly wants". He saw her frown at her own statement; clear she was thinking out loud and her statement was rather out of the blue. For once in her life though she actually knew what it was that she wanted and it was, simply put, him.
"Well what do you want?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. In her heightened state of awareness it didn't help that his voice sounded like gravel, rough around the edges and far too enticing. It didn't help either that he moved towards her, drawn by some compelling influence as she watched him from the corner of her eye, his lips hovering. She could feel him breathing against her cheek; each word enunciated with a short puff of air. Kisses were more frequent now, as were these moments where they would just rest in each other's arms and in the sanity of her room at Nonnatus, this decision seemed such an easy one to take.
"Peter, don't" she whispered, resting her cheek on his, voice barely audible as she too placed a hand on his chest, something in the back of her mind shouting out. It was no good as courage was starting to fail her now faced with what was a very apparent reality. If she let him kiss her now; well that would be damnation.
He withdrew immediately, taking his arm back from around her shoulder. Peter knew it too; knew where this could so very easily end up and he would have to understand.
"No" she protested, feeling immediately bereft of his company and comfort; feeling the loss of the gentle pressure around her shoulders more than she could perhaps have ever imagined. "No, I'm such a fool. Peter, I didn't mean that. Please if you want to put your arm around me, do it". She looked up at him, eyes locked with his like he was the only person in existence and this room was the last four walls and roof on earth. "And if you want to…to… " She actually couldn't say the words; each syllable drying on her lips.
"I won't be pushing you away if you want to". There she had said it and it was out. Well, perhaps; in as so many words.
He frowned at her, trying to understand what she was saying. "You have to want to" he replied. Peter knew this wasn't about him at all and he had to be convinced she knew that too or that she did not feel obligated.
"Convention tells me I shouldn't even be sharing a settee with you at this time of night on my own, but convention never liked me very well and I am finding its company somewhat….tedious". The last word of her sentence disappeared into the confines of a kiss. It wasn't as though he hadn't kissed her like this before, even if it was only a handful of times, but if she had her way this would end differently from the door to Nonnatus closing on her love.
If anyone could see her now; friends, parents, Sisters they would be appalled, particularly as the palm of his hand was holding so tight splayed across her jaw, lips grazing over her cheek and neck. She surprised herself with the giggle that followed but to him it sounded like the finest music ever composed. Her skin had always been soft on those times she had let him close enough to hesitantly touch. Even those times she would complain of the ill wind down by the docks, whipping and cracking at her skin leaving it ruddy and chapped, to his fingertips it felt like the finest silk ever woven.
"Tell me when you want me to stop" he whispered in her ear, feeling only a shake of the head, not trusting her speech. In return as he heard her sigh in response to the journey he continued across her skin, revelling in the sound as it swept to his ears. Whatever he was doing to her, it felt particularly convivial and there way on God's earth she was letting him stop doing that.
Chummy unravelled her legs from underneath herself as she felt a breath of a push to her shoulder. If she was being truthful to herself she was not entirely sure whether it was her volition that had taken her to slipping backwards feeling the settee welcome her or him helping her on her way. Either way, neither way, it did not matter as she found herself laying down; his weight half on half off her. This was fate and comfort personified as his lips met hers again, her arms wrapped around his shoulders as she locked up her worries.
If Peter was being honest with himself, one of the reasons he had kept her at arm's length or rather perhaps not pushed her was that despite what his mouth might profess to the contrary, other bits of him would object vehemently if they stopped what they had started. This woman was everything and he had to get this right; make sure. So, he had concluded, best not start what you are not allowed to finish, until you have the license of a marriage certificate to your name. Now it seemed the woman who one day he might marry was changing the landscape herself and with her consent, he would follow.
Feeling bold she took his hand, sliding them together so their thumbs locked, keeping the connection for a brief moment before, quite consciously, she drew his hand up and over to rest on the buttons of her cardigan at her waist. It caused him to raise his head away from her.
"You really mean it, don't you?" Peter asked, his own anxiety suddenly firmly kicking away. She swallowed, seeing him look at where their hands lay, moving his thumb in the lightest touch against her skin. "I do".
Peter took that as a rather shaky warrant to carry on, deciding that as she had clearly already done, that there were no intentions of waiting as convention, that thing called what they were supposed to do, had expected of them.
He had to be careful of her though. She was far too vulnerable underneath it all, and even if she had just as good as said yes to him she could still say no. He had nothing so precious in his life more than her and he had only learned the hard way of what his days and nights were like without her presence within them. Nothing would interfere again and if she said no, it was no.
"Camilla?" he asked, withdrawing further away so she could no longer feel his chest expand as he breathed; no longer feel his lips as they scattered kisses.
"Yes, I am making my choice and one knows what one is getting oneself into. As it were" she added quickly, pre-empting his question. "My eyes are open. Besides," she continued, "when we get married I won't have a choice so…."
"You will have a choice Camilla" he said, resting his hand on her ribs again, as far away from those buttons as he could make it. "You can say no to me and tell me we wait". It did not register with him that she made reference to marriage.
She shook her head. "No I can't". She had perhaps not meant no to him per se, the ultimate choice of whether she would sleep with him, but the voice regarding the decision she had personally made for herself was perhaps more prevalent. There was no going back now, perhaps even regardless of what he said and this choice she was making was for her and her alone, marriage or no marriage. This wasn't about that even though she could not entirely express it even to herself. This was her taking control at last and feeling free enough of the shackles she would place on herself to make a choice. He would just be the recipient of the spoils, perhaps.
"Do you want me to carry on?" Peter asked, far too nervous himself now. Despite the fact that one day a while ago she had told him that she had not exactly ripped through the chaps; his affairs had hardly been elaborate, frequent or complicated. Girlfriends? Well yes, there had been but not like her. A wrongly placed hand didn't really come into it before now.
Chummy simply nodded.