TITLE: Broken
AUTHOR: Pedellea
E-MAIL: pedellea@hotmail.com
DATE: March 14, 2002
RATING: G
SUMMARY: Bosco comes to terms with the events of the past few months.
SPOILERS: LOTS! After Time to Superheroes II (and everything in between)
DISCLAIMER: Third Watch belongs to John Wells Production and Warner Bros. There you are. Short and sweet.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I read the lyric of the song Much Afraid by Jars Of Clay (Album: Much Afraid) and I thought it really fit what Bosco must be feeling right now. So I decided to write a fic for it. Enjoy, and please send me some feedback on this!
BROKEN
By Pedellea
He almost lost it today.
At work, he unexpectedly felt the control on his life almost slip right out from under him. Nothing that happened during the day triggered it, but it was a terrifying feeling, and he didn't like it. He had somehow managed to maintain his control and made it through the day.
Turning the key in to his apartment, he felt tired, worn, shattered from the events that had assaulted him relentlessly these past few months. He dragged himself to his couch and sunk down heavily, wanting badly to escape the place he's fallen into.
The truth of the matter was that it wasn't his fault that he fell into this pit that right about now seems endless. But somehow all these events decided to collide at the same point in his life. And he was utterly wearily of it. [When is rains, it pours], he thought to himself with a short laugh.
He was no stranger to trouble. His childhood wasn't perfect - he got physical and verbal beatings over and over times by his drunken parents. But he learned to cope with that in time. Even as an adult, he encountered numerous beatings of all sorts in life. And each time, he'd brush it off a start anew. It worked every time. But maybe now... maybe the wall he built to barricade emotion was finally starting to wear down.
Sighing, he thought back to September 11. Guilty that he had survived the attacks, he worked tirelessly at the pile for about a month whenever he wasn't working, virtually getting no sleep. And he didn't mind - it was only a small price to pay for not dying when others were not deserving of death.
Then came the mistake of the rape case. He made the horrible assumption of a girl's rape being only her job, and it haunted him for a long while. After witnessing years of domestic abuse in his own home, he had sworn not to let anybody be hurt in the same way. And yet he let it slip at the cost of a young girl's life... he could never make up for that, nor the fact he had allowed his father to beat his mother. He shook his head. He can't ever allow for this naivety again. It just couldn't happen.
Yokas' illness came as a shock to him. They confided in each other about everything, and yet she let this major event in her life slip her mind? She almost let him get killed that day... but he couldn't think that. Never. Partners always backed each other up... but how could she have betrayed him? To protect him? Because it sure didn't do that. Her action remains a puzzle to him, and like with other things in his life, he brushed it aside. There really was nothing else to do about it.
The next event was arresting his own little brother. Although he didn't let anyone know it, it hurt him to do so. He had so carefully laid a trap to get the dealer, but never did he expect his own brother to fall in. Unable to let his pride fall, he ignored their family ties and arrested him. It's probably for his own good anyway... the kid needs some sense knocked into him. But if it happened a second time... he prayed there would be no second time. His mother would be furious.
When all else seemed to be failing, he still held onto his dream of joining ESU. He believed wholeheartedly it was his escape from the pile of mess that is his life. But Hobart betrayed him. Took him hostage and then shot himself, leaving him in a free fall to the pit he might as well as call home now. Hobart's death ended his dream, crushing it to a thousand pieces. He knew at that point, his life just became a routine without meaning. Sure, he tried to get himself back to normal, but how could he when there was no way out? And with Ross' death... seems like his life has become some curse.
Unable to bear his thoughts anymore, Bosco flicked on the radio, hoping it would take his mind away from his crushing thoughts. Music, next to TV, had some sort of calming effect on him. He sat motionless for a while, staring into space, letting the music filter through.
The word came suddenly: broken. That was what he has become.
It stung to realize he had lost all control of his life.
Then, for some strange reason, the words of the music penetrated through...
Empty again
Sunken down so far
So scared to fall
I might not get up again
So I lay at your feet
All my brokenness
I carry all of my burdens to you
All of these things
I've held up in vain
No reason, no rhyme
Just the scars that remain
Of all of these things
I'm so much afraid
Scared out of my mind
By the demons I've made
Sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go
Oh, sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go
Mellow and slow, it wasn't his kind of music. He didn't even know who sang it. But he started to cry because of it. He hadn't earnestly cried ever since he was a child, curled up in the closet, listening to the fighting between his parents. He tried to stop, embarrassed that the floodgates of his emotions had suddenly been thrown open. But it only made the tears pour down even harder.
His head screamed for him to stop, that he was a man, and it wasn't right. But there was no way he could do anything about it. There was no front left to mask behind. And he was glad he was alone. No way he would let anyone see him like this.
But even so, it felt good to let it out. Frustration, anger, fear, uncertainty - it all poured out and wet his face and clothes. What else was a broken man to do?
As the song played on, he laid down on the couch and for the first time in a long time, a strange peace washed over him. It was foreign, but comforting. A thought came suddenly to mind. Even the broken get mended.
It was strange to think of it now, at his lowest, most broken point in life. But deep down, he knew there was a grain of truth to it. It was the only hope he had.
Even the broken get mended.
With the thought playing in his head, he slowly drifted off to sleep.
THE END
I really hope Bosco gets some healing for all the pain he's been through this season (the third one, just for the record)... the writers have been really rough on him! But anyways, thanks to Jason Wiles for portraying Bosco so wonderfully!
Feedback is always apreciated!!! Please send it to pedellea@hotmail.com or post a review on the site. Thanks a bunch!
Please visit my fanfic page: http://www.geocities.com/phunwuns/Fanfic/