Go find someone else – In letting you go – I'm loving myself
Nothing was the same anymore; the broken pieces from her fragile heart didn't fit right as she tried to piece them back together again. And try she did, fighting in vain against the rising tide that threatened to over take her. All she hoped was to keep her head above the level but still she was swept under and held. Spots of black danced through her vision as she struggled to just hold on, this was the worst things could be and it had to get better from here, their disastrous date and the awkward tension that followed had to be karma, but it wasn't until Stacy's return that she was shown the true depths of pain unrequited love could bring.
I thought you couldn't love anyone. I was wrong; you just couldn't love me
It seemed that there was no absolution in sight for her from the position that she had placed herself in. Forget the fact that he didn't feel the same way, the part that really hurt was that he took it a step further by jading her feelings, and assuming that her attraction was based purely on her passion to help and heal. She wasn't attracted to him because he was broken; it was in spite of him missing a few screws.
But now the time had come for her to make a decision for self preservation, for the sake of her sanity. She wasn't sure that this wasn't going to kill her. She was lying when she told him that she jumped on the "band wagon". Every night she went home to an empty house with her empty soul and half a heart; with her tears for company. Even House had someone, more like something; the Great Steve McQueen.
Cuddy was going to catch on that something wasn't right amongst the ducklings under House's control; that woman had a six-sense when it came to things like tension surrounding the group. And even the patients could tell that the temperature dropped ten degrees when Cameron and House were in the same room; the length of her spine would straighten like a ramrod while House fought to keep his gaze from landing on her. After a few moments of spine-tingling tension, Cameron would turn on the heels of her platforms and quickly exit the room. The only remainder of her presence would be the sound of her heels tapping on the tiles of the hallway toward the elevator as she made a rushed exit, her head still held high. A haste move to the lab, most of the day it was guaranteed that the room would be empty except for the occasionally employee couples making out in the connected storage room.
Hunched over the microscope, lost in the never ending samples that entered the lab with no one to process them, she happily took up the slack as a way to blank her mind and erase her thoughts relating to him. Finally the stack was finished and all the correct paperwork in order. It seemed that she no longer had a reason to hide out down below. Titling her head back, she winced, the muscles in her shoulders and nape of her neck bound and wrapped around each other in knots, and her spine would pop, giving momentary relief.
Even after successful avoidance, she wasn't any closer to getting herself out of this hole that had dug. She let herself admit defeat for the moment. Quickly filing the rest of the paperwork, she grabbed the full folders and started to move upstairs. Feeling the tension starting to build once again as she stood in front of the reflective elevators doors, the tip of her shoe tapped an erratic rhythm on the tile. It stopped in mid-movement. Who was she? Locking gazes with her reflection in the mirror, she couldn't even recognize the look of her blue eyes. When had they glossed over? The color in her cheeks paled and her lips thinned. At first, she thought that she was looking at someone else, until she caught sight of her earrings.
This was her; this was what loving House had caused her to morph into. Someone that she didn't even recognize, much less understand. Reaching forward, she pressed the palm on her hand over the reflection of her face, blocking out the image that was burned into her retinas. She didn't even register the cold smoothness of the metal. It was the 'bing' signaling the elevators decent that awoke her.
Startled, she drew back, as if stung, and bolted toward the stairs. Her quickened pace echoed in the empty hall; matching the increasing beating of her heart against the barrier of her rib cage and sternum. Reaching the foot of stairs, the tension melted away into determination, rippling through her veins and heating her blood.
She inhaled deeply through her nose before parting her lips and exhaling fully in an attempted to calm her breathing and erratic heartbeat. Lifting her free hand and placing it on the cylinder wooden handrail, she took the first step upward. One step after another, left right; left right. The first floor, her destination mere footsteps away. She stood in front of a glass sliding door to the carpet less office floor of House's room. Even with her determination going upward she couldn't find the strength to reach for the handle.
The original plan was to just write a post-it and stick it on his desk with a simple message; a few words with no signature, her writing style would be enough of a give away. Something allowing him to understand; but standing there she was struck dumb by a sudden epiphany. This whole time she had thought that everything was about him; what she was going to give him, to offer him, and allow him. But this, what she was about to do, had to be completely about and for her. A silent reminder that she was allowed personal things and this was a personal declaration.
Taking another shy step forward, she stood a breath away from the glass door. The exhale of warm moisture against the cold glass caused condensation to form; a foggy patch that vanished as soon as it appeared. Taking another deep breath through her nose, she managed to create a much larger patch of condensation on the window. She brought the tip of her finger to it, and through the moisture she wrote her message and silent declaration. Gazing at it, she read the message, making no move to wipe it away, as it slowly started to disappear around the edges and sink into the glass.
Allowing the corner of her lips to upward, she took another breath and backed away to from the door, moving toward her own space shared with the other ducklings, unknowingly passing the prone figure of Gregory House, who had stumbled across the event. He waited until she was well within her own room before making his move. Hearing the sound of the wooden door close, he couldn't resist his curiosity at the note his little duckling had left in such an interesting manner.
Hunching over slightly using the handle of the cane for support, he took a quick breath and blew it out over the same spot where she had stood only few moments ago. Eyes darting around the barren hallway, he was half concentration as the words appeared like warriors through the fog. Ice blue eyes widened, wooden cane creaking as he tightened his grip.
Came to say
Goodbye Love
Her private declaration was now his personal curse. Cameron: one; House: zero