Authors Notes: Thanks to pheonix_angel89 for the first read through and to cindergirlgrimm for doing her beta thing.
Lost on Memory Lane
If it weren't for the automatic reminder that popped up on his computer when he'd logged on that morning, Ianto probably wouldn't have realised the significance of the date. He stared at the bright yellow note for a few minutes before closing it and getting back up from his PC. He couldn't bring himself to delete the reminder from the system. Not that it mattered; the image was burned into his mind. He knew it would haunt him for the rest of the day.
Dr. Owen Harper's Birthday, Age: 29.
***
As first introductions went, Mickey's introduction to Torchwood Three wasn't the worst nor the best Ianto had ever had.
In between all the hugging, kissing and extra work that had followed Jack's jaunt with the Doctor, Jack had announced that he'd found two more team members. Despite all the tricks Tosh had taught Ianto and Jack's basic medical training, they couldn't carry on as they were. A spike in Rift activity that had ended with Jack spending nine hours knocked unconscious, several civilians deaths, and new scars to both Gwen and Ianto, only days before all the trouble with the Daleks had started, had firmly reinforced Jack's conviction.
Owen and Tosh would never be forgotten, but their vacated job positions had to be filled.
Martha had swept into the Hub behind Jack as if she had always belonged there. She had, in some ways. The mortality rate at Torchwood Three might be higher than at UNIT, but Jack's humanitarian approach was so much more Doctor-like than UNIT and its army of soldiers.
Mickey was different. He'd followed Jack and Martha more slowly, taking the time to appreciate and evaluate his new surroundings. The first thing he'd said, even before Jack had made their introductions, was a sarcastic comment about the cold temperature inside the Hub. Ianto had responded automatically, offering him one of the Weevil jumpsuits he'd just had cleaned, not having a spare parka on him. They had glared at each other silently before Mickey broke into a grin and turned towards Jack, stating, "I think I'm going to like working here."
Both Martha and Mickey were hovering around Mickey's desk when Ianto stepped through the cog-door, hoping to forget the calendar pop-up through excessive amounts of coffee, weevil-duty and paper work.
"Ianto," Mickey called out as Ianto passed the cluttered desk. "Do you know what this is?" Ianto froze, not seeing the silver hairdryer in its true incarnation.
"You know we never gave it a cool name."
"I thought we called it the Resurrection Gauntlet."
"COOL name."
"Ianto, you alright mate?" Mickey asked him, mirroring the slightly concerned look on Martha's face, snapping Ianto out of his daze.
"Yep, fine. Not sure what it's called," Ianto replied, nodding towards the hairdryer-thing. "It should be on the database, though. Anyone for coffee?" Ianto asked, already moving towards the kitchen before either of them could answer.
Martha's slender fingers gently, but firmly, gripped Ianto's wrist when he handed over her coffee. "Ianto, are you sure you're okay? You're looking a bit peaky." Ianto tried to smile reassuringly at her, but judging by the worried look on Martha's face it wasn't very effective.
"I'm fine." Ianto insisted, quietly. "Just a slight headache, I'm sure it'll pass." Martha hmmmed into her coffee but kept her gaze on him as he delivered Mickey his coffee.
Ianto quickly disappeared up to Myfanwy's aviary to avoid their worried gazes, with the intention of stretching the length of time it took him to feed the pterodactyl and other residents for as long as possible.
***
Gwen and Jack were returning from a meeting with PC Andy just as Ianto finished feeding a Foamasi they had encountered the day before. Since Gray's attack, Torchwood was working more closely with the police, with Andy having become a sort of unofficial liaison between the two organisations.
Ianto could hear Gwen complaining, once again, about Jack's erratic driving.
"One of these days you're going to wrap the SUV around a tree."
"I'll have you know, I've not had one accident in the SUV...Well not one that was my fault!" Jack amended at Gwen's glare. "It's not as if your driving's any better. Remember what had happened last time I let you drive? You drove so slowly that the Weevil was three miles away from where it was originally sighted by the time we got into Grangetown."
Any retort Gwen had was lost to the chirp of her mobile phone.
"Hello? Hey Rhys, no everything's fine. Yeah, Andy said he's seen you 'n' Dav..."
Ianto didn't hear the rest of Gwen's conversation, nor did he hear any of Jack's explanation to Mickey about the hair-dryer he was still taking apart or Martha's enquiries after Andy, who had taken a shining to the young Doctor.
No, I can't just hook something up! The entire telephone network is down!
What about a mobile connection?
The entire. Telephone network. Is down!
Ianto walked as fast as he could without drawing attention to himself, trying to escape the voices following him. The long ago conversation seemed to echo around the room, running on an endless loop, getting louder and louder.
He heard the footsteps enter the kitchen a few minutes later, interrupting his train of thought and making him realise the coffee machine had finished. He still jumped when a warm hand was placed on his shoulder.
"Hey. You okay?" Jack asked, moving closer and gently squeezing Ianto's shoulders through his suit jacket. "Martha said you had a headache."
"I'm fine," Ianto replied, without turning around.
"You want some of those painkillers in my desk?"
"No," Ianto shook his head, "I've already taken some Paracetamol." Judging by Jack's raised eyebrow when he turned around to hand Jack his coffee, Ianto suspected Jack didn't believe his lie. He was relieved when Jack didn't press the matter further
"Come on," Jack said, squeezing Ianto's shoulder one last time. "Gwen and I brought dinner in from the new deli around the corner."
Ianto picked up the coffee tray without replying and followed Jack into the boardroom were the rest of the team were already tucking into their sandwiches.
***
Ianto didn't know whether to believe half the stories Jack told, but today he didn't care. He just needed something to distract his thoughts, and one of Jack's humorous stories usually worked. Had Jack stuck to the story he and Mickey were recounting about the earthquake in Cardiff a few years back it might have worked. Except, as usually happens when Jack is telling a story, he went off on a tangent. Ianto didn't hear anything after and so there were three of us in this bed...
"Let's all have sex."
"...And I thought the end of the world couldn't get any worse."
Apparently, it just had. Sometimes, Ianto hated how similar Jack and Owen could be.
"In your dreams, Ianto. In your sad wet dreams when you're his part-time shag, maybe."
Ianto never took any of Owen's angry remarks to heart- he'd said far worse things himself in the heat of the moment- so why did the forgotten jibe hurt more now that it had at the time?
"Oh come on, even Tosh had more of a life than you used to and now you're always out on missions, you're shagging Jack and I'm stuck here making coffee."
Everybody froze, forks and spoons half-way towards their mouths, as Ianto's own fork clattered to the table. "Excuse me," was Ianto's only response as he quickly stood and fled to the archives, Owen's taunts still echoing around his head.
***
He didn't pay attention to the direction he was walking in, nor how long he had been walking for; he just let his feet lead him through the packed shelves of alien artefacts. Eventually he stopped, sinking down with his back against the cold wall. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back, finally letting the images he'd been trying to repress all morning flood his senses.
He could see Tosh hacking into a military database with ease, scorning at their feeble attempts at protecting their systems. Owen dissecting a Weevil and barking orders for more coffee, having not even finished his first cup yet. Tosh trying to hide her hurt feelings at another of Owen's hurtful remarks and rejections. Owen trying to open the Rift and Ianto shooting him, Owen's complaints not ending until the day they had set Abbadon loose.
Neither of them was perfect, nobody who was linked to Torchwood was, but he loved them both, and some days it just hurt so bloody much that he wondered if the pain would ever go away.
He didn't know when he'd started crying- not heart-wrenching sobs but silent tears that had started to slide down his face somewhere amongst his reminiscing.
Quiet footsteps were approaching his refuge, but he found he didn't care. Ianto didn't look up until they stopped and he found Gwen's worried face looking down at him. She didn't say anything, just sat down next to him so close that their knees were touching.
Gwen bit down the desire to ask if Ianto was all right, knowing she would be greeted with either silence or a lie. She frequently forgot that Ianto was the youngest of the group- the fact hidden behind his smart suits and old eyes, gained from the horrors he'd seen both in London and Cardiff. She was painfully reminded of Ianto's true age now, decades seemed to have vanished off him as pain and hurt radiated off him in waves.
Eventually Ianto spoke of his own accord, his normally steady voice shaky at best.
"Today's Owen's birthday."
She wrapped one arm around his shoulder, and he leant into the gesture. "I can't stop thinking about them. About the pair of them bickering, about the way Tosh would grin smugly when she broke through a new firewall, about the stupid fights I had with Owen..." Ianto turned to look at Gwen properly, more unshed tears shining in his eyes, his voice now no more than a whisper. "I miss them."
Gwen was shorter than Ianto, but she still managed to completely envelope him in a hug, her own silent tears now falling as she buried her face in Ianto's hair, whose head was now tucked securely against the top of her chest.
"I didn't realise the date," Gwen eventually choked out, her face still buried in Ianto's soft, brown hair, squeezing Ianto a bit tighter as she spoke.
"I didn't either at first," Ianto replied, making no attempt to remove himself from Gwen's grasp. Having been haunted by the memories of Tosh and Owen all morning, Gwen's warm arms wrapped around him were reassuring. "I'd forgotten to remove the date from my calendar."
They fell into a companionable silence for a few minutes, taking comfort and strength from each other.
"How does he do it?" Ianto asked quietly, so quietly Gwen wasn't sure if Ianto was expecting her to answer or not.
"What?"
"Jack," Ianto responded. "How does he do it? I mean, some days its okay and I think of them- Tosh, Owen, Lisa- and I'm fine. I can remember them and smile and it doesn't hurt as much. Other times," the like today was left unspoken between them, "it feels like a huge chunk of my heart has been ripped away and it hurts so fucking much. Like I'll never get over it and my heart breaks all over again. How can Jack keep doing this?" Ianto asked again, his voice trailing off into a whisper.
Gwen knew she couldn't answer that question, she didn't know if Jack himself knew the answer.
"I don't know," was all she whispered in return, before resting her chin on the top of Ianto's head. "I really don't know."
They ceased talking again, just stayed wrapped up in their memories and each other's arms. Eventually, when the pain in their legs became too hard to ignore, the detangled themselves and stood. Gwen instinctively reached for Ianto's hand.
"We'll get through this. Together. You and me. Next time it starts to hurt and you want to talk, or if you want just to cry, come find me and we'll cry together. Promise?"
Ianto nodded his head, before squeezing Gwen's hand. He knew it would be hard, and he knew some days would be worse than others, when he'd want to do nothing more than lose himself in a bottle of whiskey until he could no longer remember why he was drinking in the first place, but not all days would be like that. Some days he'd cry tears of laughter instead of bitterness and despair, and he and Gwen would sneak off to the archives to reminisce about happier memories.
As he followed Gwen back up the stairs, hands still joined, with matching tear-streaks down their cheeks, Ianto thought for the first time since he'd seen those six words, that maybe, just maybe, he'd be able to get through today after all.
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