Author's Note: It seems the formatting for this story has been vandalized by the systems in place on this website. Sorry about that.

Really Good Fan Fiction Chapter 1: The Day the Nazis Came

Bill Gates stared his arch rival in the eye. Barack Obama tried his best to keep his composure.
He couldn't show any signs of fear, lest the esteemed billionaire find out his weakness. The oval office was dark that stormy night; the power went out, filling the vibrant colors of the American flag with the infectious shade of night. Bill Gates cracked his knuckles; he was going to finish this tonight.
The two eponymous aristocrats ducked as the oval office's window shattered, revealing more than just rain outside. Before they could process what had happened, Sonic the Hedgehog hopped into the room with a look of terror adorned on his face.
"Guys! Mecha Hitler is invading America!" he bellowed. Bill Gates frowned.
"Well, dear Barack, I'd love to see how this fiasco turns out, but I have business to attend to." he said with a flourish. Then, Bill Gates used Chaos Control to teleport back to his castle in a blinding flash. German yelling started to become audible in the distance.
"What are we going to do," panicked Sonic, "Bill Gates took all of the Chaos Emeralds!"
"I, uh, don't know. Maybe, uh, we can, uh, fight them ourselves." replied the president.
Suddenly, a robo-Nazi climbed through the White House's window, leaving sopping wetness all over the carpet. "You better, uh, clean that up!" said Obama. The Nazi began shouting all kinds of profanities, such as:
"Guten Tag!"
"Mein Leben!"
"Schutzstaffel!"
"Uhh...Weiner schnitzel!"
Sonic was absolutely enraged by this officer's foul mouth, because nazis killed his gender-swapped genetic clone sister (See Appendix A). With a scream of anguish, Sonic lunged at the robo-nazi and pushed him out of the building. Unfortunately, he was not alone.
In an instant, three more mecha-Nazis hopped into the room. The biggest one took out his laser beam grenade cannon blaster and shot.
"Oh, uh, no!" shouted Obama as his face was blown off.
"You bastards!" Sonic shrieked. Obama had been Sonic's best friend ever since they were both created in a freak science lab in space seventy years ago (See Appendix B). Suddenly, Obama's skin fell off, revealing him to really be Donald Trump in disguise!
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" inquired the hedgehog.
"Yes, Sonic. I was Obama this whole time! The real Obama is trapped in Bill Gates' castle; we were merely faking his death before you showed up!" replied Trump. He then snapped his fingers, and a group of illegal immigrants walked in and carried Trump away. The mecha Nazis were too bamboozled to attack, so Sonic murdered them where they stood. He didn't like killing people, but Nazis were his only exception.
Depressed at the loss of his friend, Sonic walked outside into the dark streets of Washington.
Street lamps flickered as the depressing downpour seeped into their circuitry. Suddenly, our hero heard a very familiar sound. He then made a full, authentic 180 degrees rotation on the Y axis to come face to face with none other than Mecha Hitler himself. The fuhrer's metallic stronghold gleamed in the shimmering lamp light, his dual gatling guns still smoking from their latest use.
"Die, allied schweinhund!" he bellowed mechanically as the slow whir of his weaponry accelerated. Sonic dashed out of the way at the speed of sound and ran into a nearby building to gather his wits. Sure, he was fast, but not quite strong enough to penetrate Adolf's indestructible metal pecks. The building seemed to melt around him as he strained his furry cranium for a solution.
He couldn't just let this guy destroy more innocent lives! He decided to call his friend, PeriCage.
PeriCage is Peridot when she fused with Nicholas Cage in order to defeat Steve Jobs (See Appendix A).
Sonic opened his Pesterchum account and before he could get to PeriCage he was trolled by Karkat.

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling blueBlur [BB] at 4:20 A.M.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO!?
BB: What do you mean, Karkat?
CG: DON'T YOU REALIZE!? YOU LET DONALD TRUMP GET AWAY WITH OBAMA'S SECRET BINDERS!
BB: What binders?
CG: YOU KNOW, THE BINDERS THAT TELL WHERE WE ALL LIVE! THE BINDERS THAT TEREZI TOLD YOU TO PROTECT!
BB: Woah, cool off, man! Nobody warned me about the binders, I swear.
CG: I WILL COOL OFF AS SOON AS MY PAIN SPONGE IS FORCEFULLY RIPPED OUT OF MY SKULL BY ROBOTIC NAZI APPENDAGES AND I'M LEFT FOR DEAD WHILE RAVENS RIP THE FLESH FROM MY BULGE! YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL!
CG: AS FOR TEREZI'S MESSAGE...I MAY HAVE TOLD FUTURE TEREZI BY ACCIDENT. MY BAD.
BB: Don't worry! I'll fix this!
- carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling blueBlue at 4:25 A.M.

"Glad that's over," Sonic said with a sigh as he listened to Hitler's yells outside, "those trolls can be really verbose...Wait...God dangit, I forgot about PeriCage!"

- blueBlur [BB] began pestering clodClobberer [CC] at 4:26 A.M.
CC: What do you want?
BB: Don't you remember me, Peridot?
CC: It's PeriCage, you clod!
BB: Whoops, sorry!
CC: Look, I'm kind of busy right now.
BB: But I need your help defeating Mecha Hitler!
CC: UUUUUUUUUGH. Okay.
- blueBlur ceased pestering clodClobberer at 4:28 A.M.

In a few minutes, Sonic heard the distinctive shouts of a motorcycle outside the building. PeriCage unmounted as she surveyed the streets of Washington. There were dead jews everywhere, and I mean everywhere. It's starting to smell really bad. Her bicycle jacket whipped in the wind and her flaming limb enhancers shook with impatience.
"Where the hell is Sonic?" PeriCage said to herself. She regretted that sentence as soon as the word 'infidel' was shouted from behind her. She found five robo-Nazis with their guns poised in her general direction. Now, Peridots aren't good fighters by themselves and tend to run away a lot, but she was also Nicholas Cage. This resulted in her running away while shouting cheesy one-liners and firing at the Nazis. It seemed to be a very efficient battle plan until she shot out of the air. As her screaming Nicholas Cage face collided with the ground, Mecha Hitler himself lugged his hunky metal body over to the battle site. Mecha Hitler has had a long history with Nicholas Cage (See Appendix C) and was horrified to see his beloved fused with such a vile creature.
Mecha Hitler ordered his troops to bring him the defusion gun.
"Aw hell no!" shouted PeriCage as she attempted to fly away. Hitler anticipated this and used his powers as the Prince of Space to freeze her in place. Mecha Hitler did not use his powers often, as they were horribly unstable. He kept her trapped just long enough to defuse her, however. A blinding green light blinded the entire cast as it forcefully ripped atom from atom, soul from soul. Sonic saw the light and ran towards it as fast as he could. Alas, he was too late. On the cold, wet ground lied Nicholas Cage and Peridot, two separate entities. Now that they were no longer fused, both persons became utterly useless in combat.
"You son of a bitch!" yelled Peridot, "I'm reporting this!" Sonic rushed to his friend.
"Peridot! Nicholas! We can still defeat him, guys! Let's do this together!" said Sonic. Sonic jumped up and went into a spindash as Peridot latched onto him. Sonic's spinning was so fast that he stayed suspended in midair as Peridot swung from him. Peridot released herself and was sent hurtling towards Mecha Hitler. She succeeded in knocking him down and then she broke the glass surrounding his head. Meanwhile, Nicholas Cage began a game of Blackjack with the other Nazis. Sonic hopped onto Mecha Hitler and began to slap him in the nose, vigorously. Meanwhile, Peridot began sticking her limb enhancers up Hitler's punched him in the gut.
"Ha! You cannot penetrate my mech suit of ultimate fortitude!" jeered the fuhrer as he was still getting slapped by Sonic. His nose was bleeding profusely at this point, so Hitler decided to use his space powers to launch Sonic into the air. The hedgehog hit a nearby building and was knocked out.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" cried Peridot as she rushed to his side. Mecha Hitler stood back, triumphant and dignified. Suddenly, the crew heard faint music in distance.
"Some-BODY once told me the world was gonna roll me; I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed."
Suddenly, Shrek came lunging at Mecha Hitler. Before the fuhrer could react, he was on the ground under the weight of 350 pounds of ogre flesh. Shrek continued to sing 'All-Star' until Hitler had suffocated under his bodacious bosom.
"Shrek! What are you doing here?" questioned Peridot. Before her inquiry was answered, Bill Gates Chaos Control'd into the scene. "Shrek! There you are. How many times do I have to tell you not to go running amok? I might have to put you in the brainwashing chamber again." he said. Then Shrek and Bill Gates teleported back to their castle.
"Oh god! They brainwashed Shrek!" cried Peridot. They had been best friends ever since they were created in a freak science lab in space seventy years ago. Sonic mumbled in his state of unconsciousness, and some may interpret that as an attempt at consolation.

Peridot leaned up against Sonic's body, stroking his quills gently. At the same time, Nicholas Cage sobered up and crawled over to Hitler's sprawled corpse. The two pairs locked lips passionately. Unfortunately for Hitler,
his dream self died long ago when Steve Jobs destroyed Prospit (See Appendix D). Thus, Nicholas' passionate embrace did nothing. Peridot wrapped her legs around Sonic's corpse, still kissing him, despite the fact that Sonic doesn't have lips. Her slobber got all over his mouth, but he did not awaken. The robo-Nazis watched in mild horror as they continued their game of Cards Against Humanity.
Nicholas carried his robotic beloved in his arms; he intended to host a proper burial for his lost love.
However, Hitler's corpse suddenly began to inflate. First his stomach expanded, then the rest of him.
The rapidly expanding flesh strained against the bonds of the mech suit, so Nicholas Cage broke it apart so that his one and only love, Adolf Hitler, could inflate in peace. Hitler's torso now resembled the most beautiful of spheres; his arms now resembled the thickness of a tree trunk and continued to grow. Nicholas Cage was amazed and slightly aroused. Alas, it was time for Hitler to depart from this world. His curvaceous corpse began floating upwards, toward the dark and pouring sky. Nicholas Cage dropped to his knees and cried for his loss. Peridot walked over to him, still smooching Sonic's unconscious body.
"I'm sorry for your loss, Nicholas. Think on the bright side; now the Jews may roam the streets freely. This sacrifice needed to be made." she consoled.
"I understand," sobbed Nicholas Cage, "but why does the world need to be so cruel!?"
"I bet Bill Gates is behind all this. He always is." replied Peridot. Sonic opened his eyes slowly. His large,
sleepy eyes blinked in the blinding luminescence of the city.
"Did we kill him?" he said meekly.
"We did it, Sonic! We got Mecha Hitler!" Peridot replied softly.
"We...need rest...Peridot, let's go home."
And so the group went their separate ways, leaving the streets devoid of all life. They moved on to a better life...for now.
Bill Gates stood in his study, contemplating his next move. The walls of his lair were gray and dark. They were adorned with the many artifacts of power he had in his possession. The steel door behind him opened to reveal Donald Trump and Equius Zahhak.
"I've got the binders, Bill! Those Mexicans will be gone in no time. Right, Bill?" said Trump. Bill Gates chuckled quietly.
"Surely that moron didn't really expect me to follow up on that." Bill thought to himself. Equius spoke,
"D- Redblood, Barack is proving unable to e%punge his free will at this time. Might I suggest an e%ecution?"
"Not yet," Gates replied, "we have uses for him."

END OF CHAPTER