Live Like You Were Dying

Disclaimer: NOT MINE! CSI belongs to CBS, Mr. Jerry Bruckheimer, etc...Lyrics are from "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw and the small mention of "Paranoid Android" is by Radiohead (Awesomeness!).

Driving onto the dirt road, he casually leaned over and turned on the radio to set it to a station he always listened to when he came home for the holidays. He relaxed further into his seat and took a deep breath of the rare fresh air blowing in through the slightly open window on the passenger side—he had missed this place, and he hadn't realized exactly how much until now. The smell of ozone still clung in the air and he recalled that the farmers in southern India referred to it as the "Scent of the Earth" because the unique aroma usually heralded the end of a long drought. It was a scent that was instantly recognizable by any who knew what it smelled like just before it rained. And it hadn't just rained but poured during the previous night, followed by a few scattered showers during the day, so the "dirt" track was now more muddy if anything (and quite slippery). It was nothing he couldn't handle because he had seen far worse in his travels, but he had to admit this city was definitely not built to handle the amount of rain it had received in the two days combined.

He took a right turn and merged onto the main road once again. He knew this place like the back of his hand; the off beaten paths, the back roads, and the shortcuts that he had discovered when he first learned to drive here, were things that he would never forget. He smiled as he remembered his dad sitting in the passenger seat, nervously looking on to make sure his son was following the rules of the road; the older man would occasionally remind him to look both ways before moving on at a yield sign, or warn him to check his blind spot before changing lanes.

He lost himself reminiscing about old times, vaguely paying attention to the DJ in the background wishing everyone "Happy Holidays," he grinned at the political correctness of the term, but his ears perked up once more as he heard the first chords of one of his favourite songs drift through the speakers. It brought back memories that he had kept safely hidden in a cherished place within his mind; maybe it was the season or maybe it was because he had been missing his family recently, but the memory of that last conversation he had with his father, before leaving for college, seemed to jump out at him now. It felt like the lock had been broken and those memories had no where to go but out, so he kept driving as he let his thoughts take over and he let his mind drift back to that particular memory of his father, speaking to him in that familiar place in time, where his life had been much simpler and more carefree...

He said I was in my early forties, with a lot of life before me
And a moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days, lookin' at the x-rays
Talkin' bout' the options and talkin' bout' sweet times.

"What are the odds Doc?"

"That he'll wake up again?"

"I was thinkin' for him to get back into shape. You know, back to a 100 percent, if not his usual 110." He slightly grimaced at his own sad attempt at humour and waited for a response.

"I realize it's hard for you to see your friend like this Mr. Stokes, but at this point in time the prognosis doesn't look very good. His injuries are pretty extensive—never mind the several lacerations to his face, the various broken fingers and the few fractured limbs, the concussions to his head alone is severe enough that he might never wake up again."

I asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the real end
How's it hit 'cha when you get that kind of news?
Man what did ya do?
He said

"I'm not givin' up on you G! I know you're in there and I want you to listen to me okay? The whole team is here rootin' for you and we want you to come back to us, safe and sound, ya hear?" His voice started to break and his accent noticeably thickened as his emotions welled, but he pushed on past the hurting in his throat, and conjured up a fake smile as if that would make this reality a little better.

"Man, you're one lucky son-of-a-gun you know that? You've got the ladies wrapped around your fingers even when you're prone and lying on a hospital bed unconscious. Sara has been in here every chance she gets; she's even forgone listening to police scanners and reading forensic journals to sit beside you, and to sometimes just run her hands through your hair. I know how you hate it when we do that while you're awake, so I think she secretly enjoys doing it when you're asleep…that way you have no idea what's goin' on…but don't tell her I told you though, 'cause she'll kick my ass if she ever finds out that I know exactly how much she cares about you," the heart monitor beeped steadily in the silence that followed, which seemed to be the only response he was going to get, so he kept going.

"Don't think she's the only one either. ALL of us here care about you Greggo and I want you to remember that! Cath was in here earlier with Lindsay, and you won't believe how much she has grown. She left you a mix CD that she made herself, and I thought I might play it for you…would you like that?" The question was more rhetorical than anything, but he automatically glanced at his best friend to catch his reaction, only to face a frail body hooked up to the respirator and various other machines which were now working to keep the blonde barely alive. He quickly suppressed the unwanted doubts and morbid thoughts that were battling to surface from within their bounded cage in his mind; instead he turned away to push the play button on the stereo.

He listened to the first few notes of "Paranoid Android" float through the speakers and sighed. "At least it's your kind of music; Lindsay is a clever girl. Oh, and you'll also be proud to know that Grissom has been dropping by to see you regularly, and you don't even fit into the class Insecta! You should feel special G, that's a big accomplishment!" Nick vainly tried to insert some humour into the one sided conversation, in hopes of provoking some sort of a reaction, but the only reply came from the rhythmic gasping of the respirator which was now working to push air in and out of his best friend's lungs.

"You know, you've even kept Rick on his toes! I've known the guy for years and I haven't seen him this worried about anyone like he's been about you. They say he was pretty stressed out when I was buried alive, but that doesn't count 'cause I wasn't there to see it. I even heard that he yelled at you and kicked a bucket of somethin' all over your clothes, but I hope you didn't take it personally…"

Nick's voice softened as he reached out to grab the younger man's hand in his own, "He cares about you just as much as Brass and maybe even more than the whole gang back in the Lab. He just bottles up his emotions better than the rest of us. He doesn't…he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve like I do, you know?" The brunette struggled to speak as his voice fought to move past trembling vocal chords and his gut clenched when he stopped trying altogether in order to silently wrestle back fresh tears, which were now threatening to blast through the barriers he had erected before entering the hospital room.

He was so focused on gaining control over his wayward emotions that he almost didn't notice when the hand he was holding lightly squeezed him. He looked up in shock to meet warm brown eyes that he had feared he would never get to look into again, but they were wide open now and they seemed to be asking him, "And what about you Nicky? How much do you care about me?"

I went skydivin'
I went rocky mountain climbin'
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'

He walked out of the house feeling like a phoenix reborn from its ashes. It had taken all his strength to confront his past demons, but now that he had, it truly felt like a weight were lifted off his shoulders.

"Are you ok babe?"

"Ya…ya, I'm fine G. Better than fine, I feel AMAZING!"

They tightly embraced for a few silent moments before reluctantly pulling back to walk over to Nick's truck, so they could get into their respective seats. As they pulled out of the driveway, the older man turned to his lover and best friend. "I don't think I would have ever had the strength to face her again if you hadn't been with me every step of the way…you know that right?"

"Baby, YOU did this all by yourself. I don't think I've ever seen someone as brave as you go through something like that and come out fighting."

"Only because I know you've got my back no matter what. I'm not half as brave without you Greggo, and I don't think I would have ever found the strength to forgive myself, let alone forgive her, for what she did to me all those years ago." His voice slightly wavered, but he forged on as he felt the loving hand grab onto his own trembling ones to squeeze them lightly in support. "A boy should never have had to go through something like that…"

"I know, and that's why I'm so proud of the man you are! You've never once given up on life; never once let the terrible things you faced get you down. You're a real live Superman to me Nicholas Stokes, and I love you for the kind, brave, generous, and caring soul that you are!"

And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'

"I want you to know that life might not give you a second chance at love Jason, so if it ever comes your way, don't you hesitate to grab on for all your worth, ya hear? I don't want you to repeat the mistakes I've made in the past. Yes, it's true that this is your life and you'll lead it as you please, and I also know that I can only stand by and give you advice and it's up to you to take it or leave it…but, I hope you realize that I love you and I want only the best for you. So, no matter what you do with your life, don't you ever let there be any regrets ok?"

He said I was finally the husband, that most the time I wasn't
And I became a friend, a friend would like to have

"Honey, I'm home!"

"Baby, I love you but please don't do that again! Even if I know you're kidding, I still can't stop picturing my dad saying that to my mom as he came in dragging his feet from work every day."

"Hmm, sounds like somebody's got daddy issues," He grinned wickedly as he darted to grab his partner by the waist and pulled him in to press a chaste kiss on his lips.

"Ewww NICK! I can't believe you'd even imply something like that and then KISS me!" Greg tried to squirm out of his lover's arms, but the tight embrace he was held in wouldn't let up, and so he gave up without putting up much of a fight.

"Oh Greggo, my love, I thought you'd be happy that I actually got off work early to surprise you with some dinner and romance! But, if you'd rather stay home and have a T.V. dinner…"

"What?! Are you serious? You really did that for me?!"

"Ya baby, I really did that for you, who else would I do it for? The neighbor's dog? Never mind, don't answer that!"

"Ya, I know, you loveeee your golden retrievers!"

"Speaking of which…"

"Don't even go there pal! This place isn't even big enough for the both of us, and you want a dog? Which, may I remind you, comes with responsibilities?! And don't give me that puppy dog look, I don't even want a dog in the house, so what makes you think I'll fall for that look?"

"Because I'm being a good and attentive husband who's showering you with a fresh bag of Blue Hawaiian, a rockin' night out at the Ritz and some hot, steamy, lovin' in the sack later…," pulling his lover tighter into his arms and nuzzling his neck, he casually added in a hoarse whisper, "…and I may even be lettin' you take the driver's seat tonight."

"SOLD!"

"I thought so…"

And all of a sudden goin' fishin, wasn't such an imposition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad

"In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread,
till thou return unto the ground;
for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art,
and unto dust shalt thou return."

The quiet chorus of Amen could be heard across the funeral grounds, as the lush greenery surrounding them was offset by the somber mood of the day. The heavens themselves seemed to be crying for a great man who had finally fallen to the ravages of human disease—cancer of the blood, it had occurred so rapidly that they couldn't do anything to prevent it. Bill Stokes had let himself go, but not before he had sought to reassure his son that life would go on without him, and to remind him that he must take up the responsibility of becoming a dad himself one day.

Nick was silently watching the men properly bury the casket, after the customary handful of earth had been thrown in, and he continued to wait until the crowd had dissipated so he could have some time alone with his father, before having to leave the state.

"Nicky?"

"Ya, Greg?"

"If you want, we can ask Grissom for another week off. I know we've got some saved up for the holidays later in the year but…"

"No Greggo, it's fine! I just…I just want to be alone with him one last time before we have to leave again, you know?"

"Ya, sure. I'll just…"

"No! I mean, I want you to stay…I just don't feel like talkin' all that much right now…is that ok?"

Nick's voice held a nervousness that he hadn't heard before; it almost felt like the Texan was afraid to be alone but wanted desperately to be left alone as well. Greg realized what Nick needed as he stepped up to hug the older man from behind, and felt him instantly relax into the embrace as he rested his head back against the blonde's broad shoulders.

Greg whispered reassuringly in his husband's ears as he ran his palm soothingly along the older man's torso, pulling him a little closer to his chest, "Sure baby…take all the time you need."

Well I finally read the good book, and I took a good long hard look
At what I'd do if I could do it all again

"Nicholas, you can't really believe that the way you're livin' your life is right?! Think of what you're damning your self to! I know your dad always looked the other way when he was alive, but you can't expect me to do the same Nicholas! I won't just ignore it!"

"Momma please, you can't mean that! Dad didn't look the other way, he knew who I was and he was proud of me. He accepted me for everything I am…so why can't you? I know you want grandbabies and you want me to lead a "normal" life, but don't you want me to have a loving and fulfilling relationship more?"

"Not if that relationship includes another MAN. Nicholas, just think of what you're doing. I can't believe you could even consider him a…a…GOD, I can't even say the word! It's disgusting and unnatural and you're no longer welcome in this house if you're gonna choose to live this way!"

"It's HUSBAND momma! The word is HUSBAND and I don't care! I'm proud to call Greg Sanders my husband, life partner, lover…he's my everything momma, and I don't care if I never step into this house again, because I'd rather not hear you berate him like that or disrespect our relationship in such a way! "

"Nicholas, wait!"

The rattle of the front door slamming shut was the only response she got before she broke down in front of the fireplace and cried for the son she had just lost.

I went skydivin'
I went rocky mountain climbin'
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'

He ran to answer the call before it got picked up by the answering machine. Wearing only a towel, as he had barely stepped out of the shower before he heard the phone ringing off its hook, he was slightly winded when he spoke into the phone, "Sanders-Stokes residence!"

There was a long pause on the other line and he wondered if the line had been cut, or maybe the other person had chickened out from going through with a prank call. He was just about to hang up when he heard the small voice drift through the head set, "Mr. Sanders?"

"Yes, this is he. May I know who's speaking?" He really hoped that this wasn't some telemarketer calling to offer some deal on a totally ridiculous piece of junk that she was selling; he was already running late for work as it is.

"This……this is Jillian Stokes, Nick's mother. I was hopin' to speak with him?" It came out more as a question because she was unsure of what she was doing and she barely had hope that her son will want to hear her out.

"Mrs. Stokes, is everything ok?! Are you alright? Has anything happened?" Greg panicked to hear the voice of his "almost" mother-in-law and jumped to the wrong conclusions. He was mentally cursing the deities, for Nick not being home to take this call, and was desperately hoping that nothing life threatening had happened on Jillian's end.

"NO, NO Mr. Sanders! It's nothing like that! I……I just wanted to talk to my son again…hear his voice again…I miss him terribly, and I realize now how big of a mistake I've made in pushing him away without hearing him out. I…I'm so sorry that I was disrespectful towards your relationship and I'm sorry that I berated you in front of him…please Mr. Sanders…you have to help me get him back, I'll do anything, but please I just…" Jillian Stokes broke down, ashamed of the way she had behaved towards her son and wanting to make it up to him any way she can before her own time was up.

"Mrs. Stokes…please, you have to calm down. I don't know if I can do all of that because I can't speak for Nick when he's not even here to hear you out…but I want you to know that you're always welcome to visit us…and if you want to make this work, I'll make sure I'll do everything in my power to make it happen," Greg's heart was beating so fast that he thought it literally would explode. He couldn't believe that he was comforting Jillian Stokes.

The sobs gradually subsided as the older woman pulled herself together. "Mr. Sanders…thank you so much…you have no idea what you've done for me…thank you!"

"It's ok Mrs. Stokes…but you know, you can call me Greg if you'd like," he bit his lip as soon as the words left his mouth, realizing that he may have gone too far, too soon.

"…I…I think I'd like that very much Greg…and please, you should call me Jillian."

And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'

"Son, don't let anyone tell you how to live your life. At the end of the day, you're living it for your self, not for someone else. You know I couldn't be more proud of you than I am right now and I'll always be proud of you no matter what. As long as you're happy with yourself and you're doin' good to the people around you, I couldn't ask for anything more. "

Like tomorrow was the end
And ya got eternity to think about what to do with it
What could you do with it
What did I do with it
What would I do with it

"So, I hope you've listened to everything I had to say. I told you all of this because I thought it was time you knew what your daddy and I had to go through to be together, and the kind of obstacles we had to overcome to get this far. Life doesn't end with "Happily Ever After" Jason. If anything, the actual work begins then and you gotta work at it to make sure you can have that "happy ending" every day for the rest of your life. So, enjoy your time in college, learn new things, meet new people, be daring…but more importantly, live without regrets and love with all your heart."

And he had done just that. He had listened and he had taken everything that his dad had to tell him and he had worked towards building a life that he enjoyed living, and of which both his parents were proud of. He had gone to college, finished his double major in International Development and Linguistics, and had eventually become one of the youngest and most talented Interpreters working for the U.N. and he had done all of this before he even hit 25! He got to travel whenever he wanted and to visit places some people only dreamed about going. He made sure that he lived life to the fullest each day and never missed a chance to visit Vegas because, above all else, he loved his family and made sure he got to be with them every chance he could obtain.

Jason was abruptly shaken out of his reverie when his phone started vibrating against his hip and began blaring Marilyn Manson in an obscenely high volume.

He quickly made to answer it as soon as he saw who was calling. "Hey Dad, I'm almost there, ten minutes tops I swear!"

"Ya, you're daddy is already mad at me for you being late, so another 10 minutes won't make a difference I guess. He's been bugging me to call and make sure you hadn't gotten lost or something…"

"Dad! I'm 23 years old and I've been driving around these parts since I was 16, I could take care of myself just fine."

"Ya, tell that to your daddy!"

Suddenly another voice echoed through the phone line. "Jason Warren Sanders-Stokes I told you to be here 2 hours ago! What's taking you so long?! Rachel's already here, and the twins are driving us nuts with their antics…hey guys! Put that down! That's not…baby can you please get them before they break anything else?!" Greg could barely contain the chaos that was erupting all around him and he desperately wished that his oldest son would hurry up and get home so they could all rest easy.

More voices could be heard in the background, "Clean up on isle 24! Ewww, it looks like biologicals!"

"Remy don't step on Trevor's poop! Where is that dog anyway?! Logan, what did I tell you guys about makin' sure Trevor was taken out when he had to poo or pee? You know he's a puppy…"

"Daddy! I can't find the cranberries to make the cranberry sauce!! Are we still makin' it from scratch or are we goin' with store bought this year?"

Jason forced himself not to laugh out loud as he casually remarked, "Wow Pops, it sure sounds like you got a handful back there."

"Jason Warren, I love you but I'll make sure you pay dearly if you don't get that smug tone outta your voice and get home right now. You're 9 year old brothers need you to watch them while your father and I finish cooking Christmas dinner before your grandma Jillian and grandma Lily get home. They called sayin' their flight just landed and they'll be here in less than an hour and Uncle Grissom and the rest of the gang should be here any minute! God, it's a good thing Rachel and Jeannie have been helping us out in the kitchen…"

"Oh come on Dad! That's not fair, I don't even live in the same state as you guys! And can I just point out that Rachel's only there before me because she goes to UNLV, which is barely 2 hours away, and Jeannie's still in high school so obviously she's helping you out in the kitchen, where else is she gonna get her grub tonight when she's living at home?!"

"Ok, ok, point taken! God, sometimes I wonder why you didn't go into law or science, you certainly have the brains and the genes for it, but I'm happy that you're doin' what you're doin' and couldn't be prouder, but could you please try and get here…" He was suddenly interrupted by a loud eruption of noise that came from the living room and he knew then that his oldest son had returned home only to be mauled by his twin brothers in their happiness to see the older boy back after such a long absence. Greg quickly hung up the phone and turned to walk towards the living room.

"Ok guys! I want this place spotless before your Uncles and Aunts get here, clean now and maul each other later!"

And man I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'

A/N: I wrote this all at once, as it came to me while I listened to the song "Live Like You Were Dying." The lyrics to the song just blew me away when I first heard it and I love this song and the moral behind it so much. I hope the time line of the story wasn't confusing because it goes back and forth (sort of). Please R & R if you can, because this story is really dear to me and I'd love to know what you guys thought about it (good or bad). Thank you all for reading!