It was April 19th.
The Squad hadn't played The Matrix Legacy Art Online together in a few weeks. With midterms arriving and general business, they actually had lives to live, and couldn't afford to waste it playing video games. Besides, without a rival team, they didn't have a lot to do in the game anymore.
Edwin, however, would still go in regularly. Sometimes one or two people would join him, but for the most part, he would just enter the game alone and do whatever he wanted. He quickly became notorious among the game's users, being highly skilled and could both play fair but also fuck around. The reception on him was mixed. Nevertheless, Edwin became a prominent figure in the games culture, one that was rising up to be the next great pop culture phenomena. 4chan called him "the egg that wouldn't fuck off." He finally did it; he became a meme. And more people than just the players in the game noticed him…
Anyways, on this April 19th, Edwin had been sitting as his computer, browsing porn sites for hours trying to find the perfect video. Finally, he found a teen-rape BDSM fantasy and it tickled his fancy. He began watching it, peeled his foreskin back, and jerked himself off into a daze. He almost reached the point of ejaculation, but The Matrix Legacy Art Online turned itself on and sucked him into the game. He let go of his dick, jumped out of his chair and attempted to flee, but he tripped over his pants that were still around his ankles. The game sucked him in, and he was inside The Matrix once again.
Edwin popped up in the holding area, nothing but a black digital field like he and his friends had visited many times before. He stood there, pants around his ankles, and his unjerked cum dripping onto the floor. But something was weird; he wasn't dressed as a game character. He was just the normal, everyday, nerdy Edboy.
Suddenly, three heads appeared above him. They were all men in their twenties, one was Asian, and the other two were white.
"Hah!" one said. "Look at the size of his nasty, uncut, crusty dick!"
The three heads laughed at him.
"Hey, man!" Edwin said, pulling his pants up. "Why am I here? I didn't want to play right now."
"Ed-u-win Cue-vasss," The Japanese Man said. "We hav-uh been uh-watching uh-you and your friends. We need you."
"Why? They don't even play that much anymore. Who are you, anyway?"
"We are the game developers," one of the white men said. "We see everything."
"Yes," the other white man said. "Edwin, there has been an epidemic in the Matrix Legacy Art Online."
"What, is it a glitch?" Edwin asked.
"No, you fucking idiot. Worse."
"Oh? Some sort of tech thing? Like crashes or it won't update or something?"
"Uh-no," the Japanese man said. "Even uh-worse. The Matrix uh-Legacy Art On-uh-line has been taken over by…" He took off his glasses and lowered his head in shame. "... Let's Players."
One of the white men began crying, and the other comforted him.
"Well," Edwin said. "What's wrong with that? It's publicity, isn't it?"
"Yes," said one of the white men. "But they're all so… so… cancerous."
"Half of the uh-players in the game are uh-Let's Players now. It's ruining the uh-community."
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" Edwin asked.
"We saw what you did to that faggot Landon," one of the white men said. "We want them dead, or at least enough of them to send a message."
"What? You want me to kill more people? I dunno, man, I'm trying to be a cop and it might go on my criminal record and shit if I'm caught...:"
"We have money," said the other white man. "$3 million for you, $1 million for each of your friends."
"You got a deal!" Edwin said without hesitation.
"Good," one of the white men said. "Oh, by the way… do it as soon as possible. For every minute you waste, you each lose a dollar."
"What?" Edwin asked.
"Good luck." The heads disappeared, and Edwin was spit back into his room. Never missing a chance to gain some cash, he threw on some clothes and biked over to Adam's house.
Adam was busy upstairs, working on his screenplay for class. He was stuck on one scene, and to clear his mind of the stress that actually mattered, he started writing some shitty fanfictions featuring him and his friends. Suddenly he heard his doorbell rang and his dog barked. He looked at the clock and it said 11:12 PM. He groaned, and ran downstairs.
He opened the door and saw Edwin standing there, out of breath.
"Edwin, what the fuck are you doing here?" Adam asked. "My parents are sleeping. Can't you at least text me or something?"
"No time," Edwin said, out of breathe. "What was the last game you played?"
"Why? Oh, that fucking Matrix game? It took up too much room on my computer so I deleted it."
"We can use mine; this is important."
"What, did someone call you a faggot and you want revenge?"
"No," Edwin replied. "This involves money. Everyone gets a million bucks."
"Wait, seriously? Oh fuck, I'm down."
"What was the last game you played?"
"Uh… Underground 2, I think."
"Nah, that won't do. We need you to be Elizabeth. Can't waste anytime doing what we're doing."
"Alright," Adam said, letting Edwin in. "I'll set the game up and just play for a second so I can be Elizabeth in the Matrix."
The two walked over to the couch. Edwin sat down and Adam put the game in the Xbox.
"A million bucks," Adam said. "I can finally get the tits I've always wanted."
"Fucking faggot."
Adam played the game for about five minutes, and then he and Edwin agreed that it was enough. They jammed Edwin's bike in the backseat of Adam's car, and then headed back to Edwin's house.
While Adam drove, Edwin called every squad member and told them the deal he received from the game developers. He said be your best character; shit was gonna get real. He then opened Pokemon Go, so he can be his beloved trainer.
"Everyone ready?" Edwin typed into the group chat when he and Adam arrived at his house. Everyone responded with "ready."
"Alright, let's kick some ass," Edwin said to Adam.
"Right," Adam replied. The grabbed hands, and Edwin launched the game on his computer. The two were sucked into the holding room, and waited for their friends to arrive.
Inside the digital field, Edwin appeared in his red Pokemon trainer outfit and Adam in his long, blue victorian dress.
Edwin's Pokedex beeped, and he pressed it; Karl appeared, wearing a dark brown colonial outfit and a powdered wig.
"What the fuck are you?" Edwin asked.
"I was playing Civ V," Karl said. "I guess I'm George Washington or something."
"What good is that?"
"We'll just have to see. Maybe I'm really good with strategies."
"Yeah, whatever," Edwin said, pushing another button on his Pokedex.
In popped Vince, wearing his infamous military uniform and equipped with his guns.
"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," he exclaimed, and shot his machine gun in the air.
"Calm down, Rambo," said Adam. Edwin pushed his Pokedex.
Ryan popped in wearing his Link costume. He took out his sword and swung it around. "I'm ready to fuck up some YouTubers."
"We all are," said Edwin, pushing his Pokedex.
Trent popped in, wearing a Japanese schoolgirl uniform and having blue hair tied into two long ponytails.
"What, are you fucking gay?" Edwin asked.
A box popped up next to Trent that said:
Yes.
No.
I am actually pansexual.
The pansexual option lit up, and Trent said it.
"Holy moly," Edwin muttered, pushing his Pokedex.
Braxton arrived as an Angry Bird.
"Will you stop being garbage characters, Braxton?"
"Yaah," Braxton screeched, throwing himself onto Vince.
Edwin groaned, and pushed the Pokedex. Batman Jesse arrived.
"You all know the plan, right?" Edwin addressed to his Squad. "Let's Players and YouTube gamers have taken over the game. We need to get them out of here."
"Well what are we doing here?" Adam asked, opening a portal into the game hub. They all peaked in, and their jaws dropped.
Every YouTuber that has ever played a video game was in there. Markiplier, JonTron, McJuggerNuggets, VanossGaming, the Rooster Teeth gang, JackSepticEye, Game Grumps, Dashie, Angry Video Game Nerd, Kwebbelkop, Chuggaaconroy, even fucking SkyDoesMinecraft. And above all of them, sitting in a throne of pixels, was the one and only PewDiePie, the bro himself. They all wandered the fields making shit commentary about what they see.
"Oh fuck," Karl said, as they all looked out the hole.
Adam closed the portal and they all looked at each other.
A text box popped next to Trent:
Holy moly.
That Jap wasn't exaggerating, Edwin; they really did take over the fucking game.
I am actually pansexual.
The Jap one highlighted, and he said it.
"Yeah, seriously," said Jesse.
"I dunno, dude," said Ryan. "We're outnumbered by a lot."
"Even if we did go out and fight," said Karl. "It would just send them to the holding room. What's the point?"
"WE DON'T FIGHT THEM," said Vince. "WE GET THEM TO FUCKING KILL THEMSELVES."
"Wrekt," said Braxton.
"Well, let's just try and negotiate with them," said Adam. "Maybe they'll understand."
"Yeah, they won't understand because they get fucking paid," said Edwin.
A text box appeared next to Trent:
I agree with Edwin.
I agree with Adam.
I am actually pansexual.
The Edwin one lit up, and Trent said it.
"Let's just try fighting," said Karl.
"NO," said Vince. "WE GET THEM TO KILL THEMSELVES."
"We'll fight them," said Jesse.
"NO," said Vince.
"Yes," said Adam. "We'll come out quietly, act peaceful, and attack. They won't expect much from a bunch of 19 year olds."
"Agreed," Edwin said. "We'll try and fit in, and when I give the command, we attack."
"NO," Vince yelled louder.
A text box appeared next to Trent.
Shut the fuck up, Vince.
Actually, maybe Vince is right.
I am actually pansexual.
The "shut the fuck up" option lit up, and Trent said it.
"FINE," said Vince. "YOU WANT TO FIGHT THEM? WE'LL FIGHT THEM."
"Good," Edwin said, then turned to Adam. "Go ahead."
"You all know the plan, right?" Adam asked. Everyone nodded, and Adam opened the portal. Before he could even open it wide, though, Vince threw himself into the hole.
"Vince!" yelled Karl.
"Jesus Christ," said Edwin.
Vince charged towards the middle of the field, gaining the attention of all the YouTubers.
"YO WE'RE HERE TO FUCKING FIGHT," Vince yelled.
"The fucking idiot," said Edwin. "He's blowing the plan."
"NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE SO YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING DIE NOW!"
"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?" Dashie yelled.
"I'M MOTHER-FUCKING A$AP YO," Vince replied. "IMMA FUCK YOUR SHIT UP."
"NAH YOU AIN'T."
"YEAH I AM."
"NAH YOU AIN'T."
"YEAH I-" Before Vince could wreck anybody, Jacksepticeye raised a pistol and shot Vince with a single bullet to the head. Vince fell face first, died, and popped up back in the holding room with his friends.
"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT," Vince yelled, and charged towards the portal again, but Adam closed it before he had the chance to jump through it.
"Vince, you fucking idiot," Karl said.
"Now they know why we're here," said Edwin. "At least they know our plan, anyway."
"WELL YOU NIGGAS SAID FIGHT," Vince replied. "SO I WENT OUT TO FIGHT."
"We wanted to go out quietly." Edwin groaned. "Alright, well, battlestations, everyone. They're ready for us now."
Edwin pulled out a Pokeball, Karl took an ax out from his coat, Ryan drew his sword, Jesse cracked his knuckles, Braxton charged himself up, Vince raised his gun, and Trent did a kawaii pose. Adam shook out his arms, and opened the portal. All the YouTubers were crowded together, staring straight into the hole and smiling. The Squad's eyes widened.
Braxton shot himself out the hole, screeching the entire way. He managed to knock Chuggaaconroy to the floor, but the rest of the gamers crowded around him and began beating the nigger mercilessly. Before the Squad knew it, Braxton was in the holding room with them.
Adam quickly closed the portal, and turned to look at his friends.
"Well now what?" he asked.
Everyone thought.
A text box opened up next to Trent:
I don't fucking know.
Anyone have any ideas?
Open the portal.
The "portal" option lit up, and Trent said it.
"Are you sure…?" Adam asked.
Another text box appeared:
Yes.
No.
I am actually pansexual.
Trent said "yes."
"Okaaaay…" Adam said, and opened the portal again. Trent flipped out the hole and landed behind the gamers, to their surprise. They all turned and looked at him.
Trent had two finger around one eye, and a slow J-Pop song began to play. Trent looked down, and began to sing a ballad.
"海の男は、手で私を取るあなたが理解土地に私を導きます... オーシャンマン、地球の隅に航海は、実際の旅行です...オーシャン男、砂により吸収日焼け男の地殻... 土地の渇きを浴び..."
The gamers looked at him, confused, and some a little horny. Trent motioned his arms with the song, and then the beat picked up. Trent continued his song of the people, and began doing an anime-inspired dance. The YouTubers began bobbing to the beat, and smiling, enjoying themselves.
The Squad was just as bewildered as the YouTubers were.
"What the fuck is he doing?" asked Karl.
Trent spun, looked at The Squad, and winked.
"Oh!" Ryan exclaimed, and he jumped through the portal and swung his sword across Vanoss's back. Vanoss screamed, and then fell forward, dead. The YouTubers turned to him, shocked. Trent's plan worked; he was a distraction.
"Squuuuuaaaaad!" Edwin yelled. "ATTACK!"
The members of the Squad began charging towards the gamers, who didn't expect such an ambush.
Karl chopped his ax down and split SkyDoesMinecraft in half. Vince began firing his gun blindly into the crowd, MW2-airport style. Jesse began to fistfight the Angry Video Game Nerd. Ryan was clanking blades with JackSepticEye. Braxton was launching himself all over the place, mildly annoying the YouTubers.
McJuggerNuggets, wearing a Halo helmet, raised a hammer and began charging towards Ryan, who was facing the opposite direction. Adam approached McJuggerNuggets from behind, grabbed the hammer out of his hand, and held it away from him.
"What do you plan on doing?" McJuggerNuggets asked. "What will this teach me?!"
"What ails you?" Adam asked. "Why would you hurt my friend like that?"
"I'm just- I'm just trying to game!"
"Hey, Jesse," Adam said to McJuggerNuggets, who nervously looked at him. "How can my feet smell if they don't have a nose?" Adam then threw the hammer to the floor, and began stomping it into pieces.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," McJuggerNuggets screeched. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." He looked at Adam and body tackled him, then the two fought on the floor.
Ryan was able to kill JackSepticEye, and when he turned around, he saw Trent and Edwin being circled by Michael, Gavin, and Geoff from Rooster Teeth, who were holding various weapons. He ran over and jumped in front of his friends, holding his sword up in defense.
Edwin drew his Pokeball and threw it to the ground. An Arbok appeared. "Fuck," he said. He pulled out two more Pokeballs, tossed them, and two more Arboks appeared. The snakes circled the Squad, and defended them against the Rooster Teeth gang.
Vince successfully killed Chuggaaconroy, JonTron, Kwebblekop, Markiplier, JonTron, Game Grumps, and Dashie.
"Vince," Adam yelled, and Vince turned to see his friend being pummeled by McJuggerNuggets. Vince raised his pistol and shot McJuggerNuggets in the ribs.
"MY FUCKING SPLEEN," McJuggerNuggets yelled, and rolled off of Adam, who got up and stomped his face in.
Jesse sliced AVGN's neck with a batterang, and with the help of Edwin's Pokemon and Ryan's sword, the trio were able to take out Rooster Teeth.
The Squad gathered together, excited that they one.
"Wooo!" Edwin yelled. "We did it!"
They celebrated for a second, but then heard the sound of clapping. They turned and saw PewDiePie, leaving his throne, and slowly approaching them.
"Good job, bros," he said. The Squad raised their weapons, but PewDiePie casually motioned them that he came in peace. "That was really impressive. Good job." He held out his brofist.
Karl walked up to PewDiePie to brofist him, but the Swede drew out a dagger and stabbed Karl in the stomach. He looked up at the Squad. "Oops," he said.
"You fucking bastard," Ryan said, raising his sword.
"There's no need," said PewDiePie. "We YouTube gamers know everything there is to know about this game. Even something you guys don't…"
The Squad looked at him, confused, but then they heard a voice.
"Holy shit…" it said. The Squad looked around, but saw nothing. "Holy shit…!" They realized the noise was coming from above them. They looked up, and saw the YouTubers falling from the sky. Kwebbelkop was leading the pack in a bright yellow car. "HOLY SHIIIIT!"
"Shit!" Edwin yelled. "They hacked the system! They don't go to the holding room!" He looked towards his friends. "Everyone ruu-!"
Kwebble's car crushed Edwin, squishing him like an egg. He jumped out of the front seat and began firing at The Squad, gunning down Trent and Braxton.
"FUCK!" Vince yelled, crouching down and holding his gun out, but JonTron fell ontop of him, blade first, and stabbed Vince vertically through the head.
"It's raining fuckboys!" Adam yelled. "Let's get the fuck out of here!"
Him, Ryan, and Jesse began running off in the distance, but they didn't make it far; gunfire from the gamers killed them each pretty quickly, and the whole squad was sent back to the holding room.
"Fuck!" Edwin said. "Now what are we gonna do? How are we even going to get them to kill themselves?"
"There's too many of them," Ryan said. "We're out of our element."
"But Ryan," Edwin exclaimed. "Think of all the money!"
"Edwin," Karl said. "Forget it. It's a lost cause."
"But Karl, look. Think about it. We'll all be rich. Living in nice houses on the same block or some shit. None of us will ever have to work at McDonald's or Goodwill or overpriced Italian chain-restaurants ever again."
"Well how are we going to get them to kill themselves?" Adam asked.
They all thought. Then Edwin remembered something.
"The Castle," he said. "Some of the rooms near the top floor have something different in them. Chemicals, weapons, whatever." He then looked over at Karl. "You think you can come up with something, Governor Washington?"
"Did you say 'chemicals?'" Karl asked.
"Yes."
Karl nodded his head. "Yeah. I have an idea."
"Well we have to get to the castle first," Adam said. "There's no way the YouTubers will let us get there without a fight."
Edwin looked over at Angry-Bird Braxton. "How far can you launch?"
"Idk," Braxton said.
"Well shoot us as far as you can," Edwin said.
Braxton fluffed out his feathers and all the Squad members grabbed on, except for Adam, who stood to open the portal. Braxton charged himself up, until he was vibrating intensely.
"You ready, Braxton?" Edwin asked.
"Ya," Braxton said.
"Open the portal!"
Adam opened the hole, and Braxton shot himself and the members holding onto him out of the portal faster than they expected. They flew right passed Adam, who stood watching them from inside the hole. Jesse drew his grappling hook, threw it to his abandoned friend, and pulled him out and flying over the YouTubers with the rest of them.
The gamers laughed at The Squad as they barrelled above them.
"They're heading to the castle," said Kwebbelkop.
"Pussies," said JonTron.
The Squad flew and landed right in front of the castle. They got up, dusted themselves off, and walked in.
"I guess you're not so useless after all, Braxton," Edwin said.
"Ya, sure," the ape replied.
They walked up to the top floor, into a chemistry lab. Karl immediately got to work, mixing chemicals, as the rest of them watched.
"What exactly are you doing?" asked Jesse.
"Remember that movie The Happening?" asked Karl.
"Yeah, that shit," said Edwin. "What about it?"
"It's actually possible," Karl exclaimed. "In the movie, the toxic oxygen that made everyone kill themselves came from plants. If I take clean oxygen and add slightly more levels of carbon dioxide, it will mess with the brain chemistry and make everyone kill themself."
"How the fuck do you know this?" asked Ryan.
"What, you think Prince O.D.'d on accident?" Karl asked. "No, he was my experiment. I pumped a little bit into his mansion and, sure enough, he did himself in." Karl turned around and had a metal box in his hand that was sealed shut. "Adam, hand me a gasmask."
Adam went to the large cabinet in the corner of the room and took out a gasmask. "Hope you're not expecting me to do this," he said.
"No," Karl said. "Jesse, you think you can grapple yourself up to the roof, release this, and get back in here?"
"Yeah," Jesse said.
"Sweet. Come on, guys."
They went down the hall and faced a window.
"Okay, Jesse," Karl explained. "The roof is right above us. Just hoist yourself up, open the box, then jump back in here as fast as you can so we can shut the window and go home."
"You got it," Jesse said, taking the box and gasmask from Karl. He began making his way towards the window.
A text box appeared next to Trent.
Good idea, Karl.
Anyone down for some Everest when we get back?
I am actually pansexual.
The "Everest" option lit up, and Trent said it.
"YEAH," said Vince. "I'M HUNGRY."
"Viiiiince," Edwin said. "You ain't down."
"YES I AM."
"Naaah, I don't think you are."
"I'M DOWN," Vince said, annoyed.
A text box popped up next to Trent.
You ain't down, Vince.
This fooooool.
Don't make him mad, Edwin.
The "fool" option lit up, and Trent said.
"I AM NOT," replied Vince.
"Well, we know one thing you really are not," Edwin said. "Down. You ain't down."
"I'M DOWN!" Vince said, getting pissed.
"Guys, calm down," said Adam.
"I'm just telling Vince he ain't down," said Edwin, looking at Adam.
"I'M FUCKING DOWN," Vince yelled, raising his pistol at Edwin.
"Edwin, look out!" Adam cried. Edwin looked back at Vince, and dropped to the floor as Vince pulled the trigger. The bullet flew across the room and hit the box Jesse was holding, making a hole in it and releasing the toxic oxygen into the air around them.
"Vince!" Adam yelled. "You fucking idiot! Do you know what you just did?"
"I SAID I'M DOWN," Vince yelled back.
"You don't get it, do you? You just released the-" Suddenly, Adam stopped, blank faced. The Squad looked at him. Adam snached the gun from Vince's hand, put it in his mouth, and shot himself, blood flying all over the floor behind him.
"Shit!" Karl yelled. "Guys, don't bre-" Then Karl stopped, blank faced. He took the gun from Adam and shot himself, too.
The entire Squad suddenly became blank faced after breathing in the tainted oxygen. Vince picked his gun back up and shot himself. Ryan took out two bombs, lit them, and handed one to Trent. They each walked to separate parts of the room, put the bombs in their mouths, and blew their heads off. Braxton turned pitch black, began shaking, and blew himself up. Jesse took out a batterang and slit his veins, then huddled into a ball. Finally, Edwin, the last surviving member of The Squad, released an arbok. When it came out, he lifted his arms up and let it Cleopatra him.
The snake thrusted forward and grabbed Edwin's neck and began shaking him, but Edwin didn't see that. He was back in his bedroom, the sensation of snake venom pouring down his neck. He got up and began violently crashing around the room until collapsing onto the floor next to Adam's dead body, whose brains and blood showered the floor.
Edwin's mother ran up the stairs, opened the door, and saw Edwin and Adam huddled together on the floor, bleeding to death.
She crossed her arms and looked at her son. "I knew it," she said.
Edwin felt his body go numb. He closed his eyes, and his soul ascended from him.
The Squad all woke up together, in a vast land of clouds. They were all wearing their normal clothes again. They looked at each other, frantically.
"Where are we?" Trent asked.
Edwin turned his head and saw the Pearly Gates behind him, with Saint Peter sitting at a desk next to them.
"Oh fuck," Edwin said. "We're dead. D-E-D. Dead."
"See what you did, Vince?" Karl asked.
"WELL NEXT TIME I SAY I'M DOWN," Vince said. "I'M ACTUALLY DOWN."
"Come on, let's go talk to Saint Peter," said Adam.
The Squad approached the man at the desk. He looked up and saw all the teenagers approaching him. "Oh fuck," he said. "Another school shooting?"
"No," said Edwin. "We were playing this video game where-"
"Oh," said Saint Peter. "That Matrix Legacy Art whatever. Yeah, we're getting a lot of those this month. Alright, let's roll call." He looked at his computer and opened an e-mail. "Karl Thaler?"
"Here," Karl said, stepping forward.
"Well, you were a devout atheist and a stoner on earth," Saint Peter explained. "But at the same time, you were a pretty cool dude with good taste in music, so I'll let you through."
Saint Peter snapped his finger and Karl grew wings and gained a halo above him. "Holy shit!" Karl exclaimed, and began hovering above his friends. "I'm an angel!" His friends looked at him, excited. Then Karl began to grow thick facial hair. "Yes! I've always wanted a beard!"
"Edwin Cuevas?" Saint Peter continued.
"Yeah, me me me me," said Edwin.
"Okay…" Saint Peter looked at the computer. "Overall greed, you made your friends play the game that would later kill them, and you voted for Donald Trump." Edwin's hopes vanished. "But hey, at least your lack of having a car didn't destroy the Earth's atmosphere." He snapped his fingers and Edwin grew wings and a halo.
"Sweet!" Edwin said, and hovered next to Karl.
"Awesome, dude!" Karl exclaimed.
"Something… feelings different…" Edwin began to put his hands all over his body, and then looked down his pants. His eyes grew and he smiled brighter. "Guys! I'm circumcised!"
"Trenton Stone?" Saint Peter asked.
"Yo," Trent said, and eagerly walked up to the desk.
"Supreme gluttony. But at least your lack of a life didn't lead to any bad contributions."
He snapped his fingers and Trent grew wings and a halo. He floated up next to his two friends, and began deflating like a balloon until looking fit.
"Trent, looking good," Karl said.
"Hey, I was told once I'd be the most attractive if I lost weight," Trent said.
"Ryan Gibson and Jesse Chavez," Saint Peter continued. The two people mentioned approached the desk. "You're good." He snapped his fingers and Trent and Ryan became angels, like their friends.
"Braxton Dula," Saint Peter continued. Braxton walked up to the desk, saw that Saint Peter was using a Mac, and began to laugh at him. "What's wrong with you?"
"U kno macs are shite, m8," Braxton replied.
Saint Peter scowled at him. "You're lucky you didn't do anything wrong."
He reluctantly snapped his fingers, and Braxton became an angel. "Ayyy lmao."
"Adam Weideman…" Saint Peter said, and Adam walked up to the desk. "Did you… ground up a kid into meat and eat him with your friends?"
Adam's blood turned cold, and he became stiff. "Uh… uh…"
"Eh, he was retarded, anyway. Welcome to heaven, Miss." Saint Peter snapped his fingers and Adam became an angel. He also grew tits, long flowing hair, and became a glamorous woman.
She flew to her friends and twirled around.
"What a faggot," Saint Peter said. "Okay, last but not least… Vincente Mena."
"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"
"Sorry."
"WAIT," Vince said. "WHAT?"
"Are you crazy? Every person you bumped into in that game, you gunned down."
"BUT- BUT IT'S A GAME."
"A game that replicates life. You're too violent to be let in; I'm sorry."
He snapped his fingers and Vince grew horns and his pupils turned red. "WHAT THE FUCK! ADAM COOKED A KID AND SERVED HIM TO US!"
"Yeah, but he… she, sorry. She wouldn't hurt a soul unless they deserved it," Saint Peter said, reaching for a lever on his desk. "Landon deserved it."
"NO NO NO NO!" Vince yelled.
"Vince!" Karl yelled.
"Saint, he's a cool guy!" Edwin explained.
"He'll only be there for… I dunno. A century or two." Saint Peter pulled the lever and a hole opened underneath Vince.
"FUCK FUCK," Vince yelled. Reaching up, he grabbed the only thing he could get: Adam's foot. The two began to fall down the deep, dark, hot hole.
"Adam!" Edwin yelled.
Adam flapped her wings as hard as she could but couldn't lift the two up. She eventually gave up and her and Vince plummeted to hell.
"You have to bring them back!" Karl demanded.
"Sorry, people can only come out of hell on Halloween," Saint Peter explained.
"But it's April 19th!" Karl said.
Saint Peter looked at his calendar. "Actually, it's April 20th now. You guys picked a good day to die." He pulled out a few bags of weed and tossed one to each member of the Squad.
"But what about our friends?" Karl asked.
"Karl, we'll worry about them later," Edwin said. "Come on, we're in Heaven. Let's go party!"
The rest of the Squad agreed, and Saint Peter opened the Pearly Gates for them.
"Fine," Karl said.
A limo pulled up, and The Squad entered it. They were taken off into the white clouds, to their new sweet pads that they will live in for the rest of eternity.