Ah… Gerudo Valley… Looks like it's that time of year again. Today is the good old King of Evil's birthday! His name was Ganondorf and he was sometimes a pig. Today, he was a human because he thought he looked good for the ladies in this form, especially for joyous cartoons. Ganondorf was turning the ripe young age of eighty-something. He woke up to quite a start to find his son Dougy J. Falcon bouncing up and down on his bed.
"Wake up, Dad!" cried Falcon in glee. "Today's your big day! You're turning eighty-something!" Ganondorf snorted in powerful grumpiness and down-tilted his son off of the bed. Falcon exploded into a million pieces and respawned back on top of the bed to bounce around some more. "This is so cool! I've never had an eighty-something-year-old dad, Dad!" He then pulled a big present out from the pocket of his footsy pajamas. "Happy Hanukah, Dad!"
Ganondorf finally sat up and opened up the present. He smiled when he saw the gift. It was a picture Falcon had made at school. It was a picture of Ganondorf and Falcon holding hands and donning great big grins. He had drawn it with the best of his ability and adorned the scene with a glorious macaroni art frame. "Why, this is an absolutely gorgeous work of art from my Dougy!" he gushed.
Falcon giggled while he jumped up and down clapping his hands like a total freak. He then landed a sick knee on the wall and exited through the new entrance. "I'm gonna get dressed and brush my teethies! Then we'll go see the other's for your surprise party!"
"Careful, son, if you keep saying tossing that info around, it won't be much of a surprise now would it." Ganondorf grabbed his cape and walked downstairs for a little eggs and bakey. When noon rolled around, Ganondorf and Falcon hopped into the van and drove off to the park. When they got there, Falcon zipped out of the van, ran up to Yoshi, and threw him at a tree.
Kirby walked up to Ganondorf. "Hey, bro, watap?" he said to the Gerudo dudo.
"Nothing much, Kirbs," he responded while they exchanged the coolest cool guy handshake of all time. (the CCGHOAT) which is better than both of Mang0's righteous wings. "How's the family?"
"I ate them." And that was the end of that conversation.
Popo and Nana ran up to Ganondorf and handed him a present. "You like?" they said.
"No." So he up-smashed them out of existence just like Sakurai did in Smash 4. He then opened up the present and found that it was a new pet Pichu. He ate the Pichu whole and then wished his toes were named "Fillmore" just like all great swordsmen do. "Only I'm not allowed to use my sword for some reason."
"Hey-a! Just-a use the customs!" called Mario.
"Customs ruined my life…" said Mewtwo.
"My dudes!" said Ganondorf as he ran up and gave the two the ultimate combo of cool guy handshakes. "I'm so glad you're here! Now we can talk about the stock market and business since we're dads and dads talk about those kind of things."
"I settled for a 4.5% interest rate at the Pokemon Bank last Friday," announced Mewtwo. "Also, I'm not a dad."
"Neither am I, because my heart is reserved only for-a raviolis!" said Mario.
"Well, that's neat. Did you watch the game last night?" asked Ganondorf.
"I can't watch sports because I'm a kangaroo thing," said Mewtwo. Ganondorf and Mario agreed because that made so much sense. In fact, Mario was practically on the verge of tears because he felt so sorry for Mewtwo's fateful position.
"Hey!" said Ganondorf abruptly. "There'll be no cryin' at my birthday party! Let's go stuff our faces with cake, yo!" They agreed. Mario and Mewtwo ran on ahead since they were faster. It was more difficult for Ganondorf though because he was really old and not in his Melee prime. He Wizard Footed a few times, but it wasn't really a useful alternative in correspondence to distances such as these, so he decided walking was the best form of transport.
The three good friends had a grand old time eating the cake and Mewtwo nearly choked to death because he got cake wads stuck in both of his necks somehow. Ganondorf performed the Heimlich maneuver and Mario made his FLUDD perform CPR. Ganondorf was very glad his good buddy did not die stupidly on his birthday.
"Hey, son," said a voice from behind Ganondorf. Ganondorf turned around and saw his dad Falco. "I'm surprised you showed your face here at the park ever since the incident last week."
Ganondorf grunted and shoved some more cake down his gullet. "Well, DAD! I can handle things myself y'know! I paid off the expenses related to property damage and I did it all pretty darn fast too! I think ya'll should keep that beak shut about stuff you don't understand."
"Don't you sass me, Ganon! You know, just 'cause you pay off the damage, it doesn't change the fact dat you shouldn't be flailing 'round town like a Landmaster! What with the destructioning and the desolation!"
"UGH!" Ganondorf angrily shoved the whole rest of the cake down his throat and belched like a true king would. "You'll never understand my medical condition! I can't control my pig side when someone says the "B" word!" Of course he meant "bacon" which makes no sense since he ate some this morning. I'm siding with Falco on this one personally.
"Jus' don't wreak no more havoc, K?"
"You're not the boss of me! I have an army!"
"We have a Fox."
"That doesn't scare me!"
"Melee Fox." Everyone gasped at Falco's terrifying threat. Ganondorf conceding the argument because it was getting too stupid and ran off to kick Yoshi.
Luigi then walked up the Ganondorf and cleaned his nose. "Hey, bro," he said nasally. "What's up with the dino-stomping?"
"I'm mad at my stupid dad!" whined Ganondorf. "He always ruins the good times I've had on my birthday parties."
"Pika?" said Pikachu, who just walked up.
"Yeah, I know he's 30-something, Pikachu, but he's still older than me! I age in pig years, remember?"
"Wait… then how old is Captain Falcon?" pondered Luigi. He then sneezed and a big stringy foot-long glob of slime shot forth. Ganondorf and Pikachu just stared at the abomination and wondered whether it'd be best to wipe it or swing from it. Luigi stared back at the two like an idiot and wondered what he could possibly do in a situation like this. His handkerchief was at home because he was washing it with his Mr. L cosplay for SmashCon on Saturday. Luigi slowly turned around to prevent his new green friend from attacking the others and ran back home.
"Hmmm…" mused Ganondorf. "That was the second most disgusting thing I've ever seen…"
"Pika?" asked Pikachu.
"Oh, the most disgusting? When they nerfed ZSS's up-air."
"Speaking of Greninja!" said Greninja as he approached.
"Um… Greninja… Nobody was talking about you."
"Watap, homedogs? It'd yo boy Greninja! Comin' atcha witta flava!"
"What language is that?"
"Chill, bruh! I ain't got no quarrels and whatnot. Just happenin' here to consolidate my connections and take some heat off the chops. You get me, homie?"
"No seriously. Are you having a stroke or something?"
"Pika…"
"Yo, I rollcalled my sweet cakes up in this here par-tay to get it on like chimps n' Kong, my dude! C'mon, slack that whack n' kiss dat mat, boi!"
Ganondorf walked up to Greninja slowly and charged up his Warlock Punch. Greninja went flying into another dimension and that was that…
Ganondorf later returned to the picnic tables with his little yellow buddy Pikachu. Falcon was busy showing off with the cool kids Ness and Lucas and were making fun of the British sword guy who was from a game that nobody ever played. Kirby was at the grill flipping burgers and Yoshi getting beat up by Bowser. Ganondorf took a huge delicious sip of the tangy punch that Wario brought.
"Say, Wario," said Ganondorf. "This punch tastes great! Where did you get it?"
"Oh, I made it myself!" said Wario proudly. "Did you ever see that episode of "The Fairly Odd Parents" where they make tasty lemonade out of Cosmo's sweaty socks?"
"No."
"Neither have I!"
So the group of Smash Bros chugged down the tasty tonic and talked about the coolness of being themselves for a few more hours. Then it was present time!
"Heeeeeeh! I guess it's time to open presents!" said Mario as he walked like a total dweeb over to the stash. He returned to Ganondorf with a bright red box with a green bow. "This one is-a from my brother and me. Open it, friend!"
"Thank you, chap!" said Ganondorf delighted. He tore open the box and received two smash bumpers. "Omigosh, how wonderful!" He then placed each on the ground a few meters away from each other and tossed Yoshi in between them. He then gave Yoshi a quick kick and watched the poor defenseless dino bounce back and forth in immense pain. Everyone laughed at the silly sight and Mario dashed off to grab another present.
The next present Ganondorf received was golden and circular. "That one's from me, bub!" said Kirby. Ganondorf opened the sphere and a bunch of food flew out. "Righteous, huh?"
"Tubular!" cried Ganondorf. "I can't wait to stuff my face with these goods, bruh!"
"Glad you like it. I stole it from Dedede because I have something against fat penguins for some reason. I also like to stab monsters in the eyes with crystals. I'm pretty much more evil than you could ever hope to be, Ganon."
"Swell!"
"Right back at ya."
Mario came back with another present. This one was wide and cylindrical-shaped. Ganondorf tore off the wrapping paper and found that his prize was a barrel. "From whom does this gift originate from, Mario?" asked Ganondorf.
"I'm not sure. But did you check to see if anything else is in the barrel?" said Mario.
Ganondorf popped off the lid and was met with the barrel of a Peanut Popgun propped up against his gorgeous face. "The jig is up, King of Evil!" said a maniacal monkey in pretty chill attire.
"Diddy Kong! So you strike back once again!" cried Mewtwo.
Diddy tossed a banana peel behind him and made Mewtwo slip and fall on his tush-tush. "Hush little baby, don't say a word. Daddy's gonna pop you a demon lord." And with that, Diddy pulled the trigger and blasted Ganondorf in the face.
"Dad! NO!" wailed Captain Falcon.
Ganondorf was launched back super far and almost fell off (because the park floated, duh). He quickly climbed back up and rubbed his sore face. That peanut really nailed his hotness good, but not as good as Ganondorf was about to nail this ornery orangutan with the power of a true boss.
Diddy Kong approach Ganondorf with his pistols out, like one tough Kong. Nobody smiled when he was playing this tune. But they were definitely bewaring him as he came after Ganondorf. HUH!
Ganondorf dashed forward and tried to barge the bully down. Diddy shot up and kicked his foe with an impressive Bair! Ganondorf tumbled forward and quickly teched to regain his composure. "I won't let ya'll get away with ruining my birthday, you zero!"
"Ganondorf taking down a chimp of my graces? You forget your place, you bottom-tiered swine!" Diddy charged forth and delivered a crazy kick to Ganondorf's gut. Ganondorf stumbled back and tried a Flame Choke. He connected and savagely brought the Kong to the ground. Predicting the tech, he followed up with F-smash and sent Diddy flying. Diddy got back up after the assault and holstered his popguns. "Playtime is over." Diddy tossed a banana back, snagged it from midair and tossed it at the approaching Ganondorf. Ganondorf slip and slid on the banana peel and was no longer number one! This was because Diddy had the D-tilts on deck and the fists were about to come flinging. Ganondorf braced himself for impact, when all of a sudden… "Well, Poo, I put in the wrong input somehow…" Ganondorf looked and saw that instead of an F-smash, Diddy inputted an F-special and flew of the ledge of the stage. He crashed down and died horribly.
Everyone gasped as Ganondorf arose from the deadly encounter. "My goodness… that was close." said Mario.
"You did it, Dad!" cheered Falcon. "You're birthday was not ruined!"
Ganondorf slowly returned to the picnic table and sighed with his head in his hands.
"What's the matter, Dad? Are you okay?"
"That man was a danger not only to us, but to his own self," said Ganondorf epically. "He knew not of the perils of incorrectly playing his cards in the face of a great threat. Yet, despite me being on the receiving end of such atrocity, I cannot help but muse over the fact that it could have been someone such as I who could've made such a conceited mistake… I believe Diddy Kong's death was not in vain, but succeeded in delivering a message that no man could have ever dreamed of providing. One of valiance and the importance of battling with honor. That… is the greatest birthday gift one could ever ask for. Because in the end, it was not the failed controller inputs. 'Twas beauty that killed the beast."