A Prayer or a Curse
A/N: This was written for Darkest Night 2017, a darkfic themed exchange, for anysin to the prompt of Faith angst during season 3. The way it came out, Faith didn't really know what she wanted from Buffy here - so there are some implications of Faith/Buffy, but it's overall not a particularly shippy fic.
The first time Faith heard the name Buffy Summers, it had come from the mouth of her watcher.
Way back at the beginning, when she started having the scary-ass dreams of fugly things going bump in the night, she'd been freaked. After the Watcher's Council had tracked her down and sent out one of their stuffed shirts to give her the big speech to explain she wasn't just buggin' out, though? Well, that was a whole different story. She'd thought the whole slayer gig, being called and all that, was straight up the best thing that ever happened to her.
Eventually she'd realize what a load it all was, but back then her poor dumb younger self had eaten up the whole fairy tale with a spoon. Bona fide super powers, a higher purpose, and hey, someone who actually cared about Faith stayin' alive all the time – not just on the rare occasions they were sober or needed her to do 'em a favor. Not that she had thought it made up for all the crap that came before, but for a hot minute she'd really believed things might be turning around for her. Then Kakistos had ripped her watcher apart and torn her back to ugly reality.
She'd managed to get away somehow, she's not even sure how, all of it is so blurred in her memory. She'd run – she'd just run as fast and as far as she could manage. She hadn't really stopped for more than a few days anywhere, but she'd killed more than a few monsters along the way. Maybe she was leaving a trail, but she needed the outlet it gave her too much to care. When she wasn't in the moment, feeling her blood pumping and fighting for her life, she could barely stand still. It was like she had live wires under her skin sparking with rage and fear 24/7 that only stopped when she was putting the beat down on something bad. It had been present, but had never made her feel as crazed before her watcher died.
Somewhere between Boston and some damn cornfield in the Midwest, she'd remembered her watcher talking about how there was another slayer. Stationed on a Hellmouth in Sunnydale California, she'd taken out a couple big-name vamps. Yeah, the more Faith had thought about it, the more she'd remembered liking the story, cuz it had a rocket launcher in it somewhere. Truth of it was Faith was desperate and knew she couldn't just keep running forever. Even if she couldn't feel the danger on some deep, instinctual level, she was still having whacked out dreams of Kakistos too trippy and disjointed to be just from fear. Her watcher had been just about the only semi-reliable thing in Faith's entire screwed up life. Maybe this other slayer, this Buffy Summers, could help her. She'd told herself that it wasn't like she had anywhere else to go. So she put together a plan to show up during the yearly scheduled watcher's retreat and try and get a feel for this Buffy chick before she had to figure out how to ask for help without actually asking for help. If she was anything like Faith, maybe it wouldn't have to be any big deal at all.
Except Buffy Summers isn't like her. Well, that's not quite the truth of it - it's that Little Miss Perfect Buffy doesn't want to be like her.
Faith had figured any girl her age stuck in Hellmouth town was probably going to be at the only club in the place, so she'd set up an obvious slay and waited to see who came looking. First glance at the preppy blonde had her pretty sure they didn't have a whole lot in common outside of slaying. Still, there was something about her that resonated with Faith, so she had latched onto that common ground and went full speed ahead with it. She'd pulled out some of her best stories, and she could see all of Buffy's friends hanging right off her every word. She could also see Buffy wasn't quite as into it, though, so Faith kept trying to pull Buffy into the conversation but the other slayer wasn't biting. Worse, she could see it was turning all awkward with her being the shiny new thing taking all the attention. Still, it was probably a good idea to make good with the friends, too, if they were in on the whole slayer gig. So Faith had resolved to keep trying on two fronts; she'd had more motivation than ever before in her life to make something work.
Maybe she would just never learn. Same old Faith, same old self-con of fooling herself into thinking it was possible to trust. Sure, at first it had all been going better than she could have hoped. Okay, truth, the very start of things was pretty rough. Seriously rough. But then B had dropped all her defensive territorial issues damn fast to talk Faith through taking out Kakistos when all she had in her head was panic. Girl didn't even hold it against her that Faith had lied about what brought her to SunnyD.
After they take out Faith's ugly vamp shadow together, Buffy noticeably loosens up around her. When the two of them become practically the same being working a cemetery together they're so in sync, well, she's never felt anything like it. Not even slaying by herself gives the same kinda high. Then Buffy got dumped by that loser and invited Faith to her big dance instead, and for a little while she had almost felt like – but it was dumb.
Because the whole time she was tryin' to make nice with the Sunnydale gang, she was still stuck living in a craphouse motel where anything could cross the threshold. Sure most of the low level nasties wouldn't dare, but you could never be full-on sure you were safe, place like that. She didn't exactly have much of anything to do with herself during the day, either, which had been damn lonely. Then it turned out Buffy had been holding out on everybody about having her homicidal ex-honey Angel stashed away. Worse, the whole gang got together for a big name and shame and Faith wasn't invited. Newsflash to Faith, she might be Buffy's slay buddy, but she wasn't one of them. Not on the top of anybody's priority list, as usual. Maybe Mrs. Post in all her fake watcher psycho glory had been wrong about a lot, but she'd hit the nail on that one.
It hadn't been so bad, though, she'd convinced herself. She hadn't really wanted to believe what was starin' her right in the face. So she tried pushing harder, tried getting under B's skin, wanting to find that inner slayer she could sometimes see yearning to be let loose. Faith is sure that she'd almost gotten there. They'd been slaying all kinds of vampires and demons every night and some of the days, too, more in tune with one another's moves than ever before. Buffy had been asking her about what she thought and felt about being the slayer, and actually been listening, realizing it wasn't about bottling up control as tight as it could go. For one shining moment, the whole world had existed just to be their oyster. They'd been in the Bronze after a satisfying slay and they were dancing so close in the middle of a group of guys that she could feel Buffy's breath on her face and feel the heat of her skin as they brushed up against each other. She could see the same glint of a predator in the other girl's eyes and the world seemed to come to a complete stop – and then Buffy pulled back. Buffy always pulled back. In the sharp sting of disappointment, Faith was never sure if she resented the retreat for itself or for the fact Buffy could never manage to pull her back, too.
When it all goes bad, Faith tells herself she can't wait for the day she never has to hear the name Buffy Summers again.
Aside from how she shoulda known better than to trust anybody but herself, that consistent withdrawal is why part of her isn't at all surprised when Buffy turns on her. She's too desperate to be the good girl, to let guilt and obligation rule her head. The two of them make one honest mistake and Buffy wigs out and tries to push everything that happened off on Faith, as if she wasn't right there and didn't have no part in what went down in that alley. Angel gets a free pass, but Faith gets thrown right under the wheels of the blame bus. The chick who felt like her other half – well, she knew it was stupid to get sucked into believing. That's what you got.
All that crap about protecting people and being good and friendship or whateva, and what did Buffy do? She turns on a dime, that chick. So what even was the point of all of that goody-goody nonsense? Did she really not understand what being the slayer meant, to herself, to Faith, to what they could do together? Faith didn't expect any better of that new twerp watcher, not even really of Giles, but Buffy – Well, same old stupid Faith, right? She's pretty sure there's some kinda cosmic joke in the name her mom gave her.
She saves Buffy at the docks because she still can't hate her. As much as everything that's different between them can't be overcome, Faith still feels that connection of like to like on a level she can't deny. Staying in town, though, that's a different kind of choice. Buffy still wants to buy into the whole destiny thing, fine, let her. Faith is done with playing along. Why not forget the whole thing, why not use her powers for whatever she damn well pleases? They want to label her as the bad one? Well, whatever. Might as well try the label on for size and see how bad she can really be, since she's gonna end up wearing it anyway.
Faith figures she'll stick around, play both sides for a while. What better place to keep her need to slay sated than on top of the Hellmouth? Trick was working with the Mayor, it seems like a good time to check out the real dark power here in Sunnydale. Depending on what she finds, well, she'll decide then. Whatever she does going forward, it's going to be what's best for her and screw anyone else. And Buffy? Well, sooner or later they're going to have to throw down on opposite sides for real, and then she'll be rid of the pull the blonde slayer has over her, one way or another. Faith is determined to be sure of that, and she tells the little voice of doubt in the back of her head that she can ever be rid of Buffy and Buffy's shadow to shut the hell up.