Hello and welcome to Sally's Super-Awesome and Really Informative VR Hero Interview Hour! Today we bring you special guest Sonic the Hedgehog, fresh from his recent debut in the newly published Sonic the Hedgehog!
So, Sonic! How does a gangly, funny-looking yet way-cool blue hedgehog like yourself end up with the beautiful princess of a nation?
"Well, it's because of Doctor Robotn - err, Eggman – really (can't believe he changed his name like that – I mean, honestly, there's no cool insults you can make involving 'eggs'. What gives?). Anyway, see, he set out to conquer the world with hordes of robots and obscure monster creatures again, and kinda wound up kidnapping the princess as part of his evil plot. I just don't jibe with that, y'know? So I, like, jumped up and ran real fast and smashed things until he gave her back, sort of. Knux got to smack stuff, and Tails was all like 'I CHARGIN' TEH LAYZOR' halfway through; it was rad."
An incredible journey! But were there any old faces you ran into that were less than friendly?
"Well, I mean, Shadow kept showing up in his rocket shoes and stuff; but he's all emo and broody and I hear he's into firearms now; it's just not my style, y'know? I'm more of a punch-jab-witticism sort of 'hog. And Amy was all stalking me and stuff. Again. But for a while she was stalking Silver, so it worked for a bit. We also bumped into E-123 and Rouge; E-123 was okay, except for being, like, all egomaniacal and macho and things, but Rouge kept trying to steal our stuff. We had to watch our magic rocks pretty well forever with her around, which sucked; I'm just happy we don't own any clothes except for our, like, shoes and gloves and junk."
And you happened to meet even more allies along the way, or so we understand. Can you tell us how you came to meet Silver and Blaze?
"Oh, yeah - well, basically, Silver came down as a hitman from the future to kill me 'cause that shadow dude - Mephilioos or whatever - like, brainwashed him into thinking I stole his grandpa's chilli dogs or something. I don't really remember. It was kinda awkward, as he kept throwing stuff at me with his mind; he even exploded my soft drink once. It was gross, got all over and stuck in my fur for days. It worked out though, 'cause Amy kept yanking his kneecaps at all the wrong moments and he kept missing my face, and once we made up - I think it was after I bought him those chilli dogs - we got along okay."
And Blaze?
"Yeah, well, we got along pretty well from the start, except, like, she kept trying to burn things and explode stuff, and I kept saying 'no, I'm not paying for that', but once she stopped doing that things were great; she could even cook chilli dogs with her mind. Shame about her planet getting set on fire and all, though."
Many of your fans have commented on the dedication you and your friends showed to Elise in your battle against Eggman. What drove you all to such lengths in supporting her?
"Because when Elise cries, the whole world explodes."
Aww, it's awfully sweet that you care so much about her!
"No, I mean, like, really; if she cries this giant, magma-spewing monster god leaps out of her face and starts ripping chunks out of the planet. We figure if that happens, we'll have to call in for my evil clone, and maybe even the magic rocks - worst-case, we'll dunk her head in a bucket of water and hope for the best - but thus far it's all been good."
I see.
"We may need to step it up to a bathtub if things get hoary."
Eheh...
"Yeah, it's kinda awkward, sometimes. She can't even eat chilli dogs 'cause the sauce messes with her sinuses, which is lame 'cause everybody loves chilli dogs. We can't watch 'Charlotte's Web' or the Teletubbies or anything, in case she starts to tear up and doom the planet.
Yes, er...well, what are you thinking you'll do now, having defeated Dr. Eggman for yet another time?
"I was thinkin', like, goin' to the desert or some place. On vacation, y'know? They've got these awesome funky hats and carpets and junk. They can prob'ly cook a real mean chilli dog out in the desert, too. I mean, heck - you could probably leave one right outside your doorstep to cook if you weren't worried about Robuttnik's robochickens ripping a chunk out of it or something."
And what do you envision -
"Oh, hey, sorry, but I just got a message from my buds - apparently 'Buttnik's trying to take over the planet with toiletries again; a wave of airborne plungers just pegged Station Square - 11 peeps just died, and a bus was set on fire. I gotta vamoose..."
Well! Thank you for your time, Sonic. We hope you'll come again some time, and good luck in your future adventures for the meantime! Now, for our next guest...Donkey Kong!
"OO-AH-OO-AHAH-AH!"
Lovely to see you too, Donkey Kong...I think...