Cannot Say No.
The word no is like an escape, it weaves its way through the deepest darkest parts of your mind, it's the easy way out, it offers a solution to the most difficult of problems, both in your mind and in your heart.
Problem is however it is not always the easiest way out. It covers up emotions and problems for a time, but when they rear their ugly heads they cannot be ignored a second time.
Victoria sighed as she continued to walk along the woodland track. The birds singing cheerfully and the insects buzzing around the forest flowers that covered the ground. The sunshine was warm on her face and clothes as she enjoyed the summer's evening.
Being Queen she had often used the word no. But had found it easier to face problems head on, sure, some of the solutions where not popular ones, and sometimes they didn't work. But they did usually sort themselves out and prove to critics that despite her age, she did know something about ruling a country.
But what about love? She sighed, she knew nothing about love, she trusted her elders, but for what reason she did not know, none of her family seemed happy, they all held secrets and lies, none of them enjoyed each other's company and they all seemed very ridged around each other.
But, she had trusted them, she had married Albert, and had assured herself that in time, she would learn to love him, that she was holding onto the happiness she held in the past because she was scared of the future. But she had told herself wrong. For her happiness did not come.
She did not blame Albert, she didn't love him, that was not his fault, they where not suited. Both held different views and opinions, they had the same upbringing but had different views for their future. Victoria felt inadequate around him, he was so educated he knew exactly what to do in difficult situations and often sorted the boxes quicker than her. She trusted his judgement in some area's but found herself regretting giving him access to her royal duties. For now she felt pushed out of her own life.
She held on to her happiness, those days of smiling and laughing, the days where she waited to do her boxes, waited to ride out, waited to see him. Her mother had assured her that she felt nothing for Lord Melbourne other than a fatherly affection.
Victoria had not told anybody about her visit to Brocket Hall it was embarrassing, his tone had been so sure, he offered no sign of hesitation or regret, it angered her to have been treated in such a way. However at that costume ball, he explained his position from a different view. And Victoria knew it could never be, she felt her heart break then, but for a different reason.
She was sure she had not felt happiness since then, since that day. The wedding was a day of new discoveries, an experience of joy, love, friendship and a very sad goodbye for Victoria. But she did not feel excited about her future, she did not run to see her husband, she did not enjoy the feeling she felt when she awaited his presence in the bedroom.
A shiver ran up her spine as she remembered that night, and the nights after that. Begging she did not get with child, despite the pressure of producing an heir, her experience in the bedroom felt just like that, the pressure to produce an heir, she felt no love, comfort or pleasure out of Albert, only a willingness for it to all stop.
She used to cry about it afterwards, her heart would hurt, never before had she felt so alone yet so surrounded.
And here she found herself, a loveless marriage, no children, and no happiness. This was not how she wanted the rest of her life to be, for it was no life to live.
Something had to change, she thought to herself in a determined way as she swallowed the lump In her throat, she refused to end up life her parents and family, Albert was far from what she had told herself, but then deep down she knew that as its what her heart told her before she married him, she should have listened to herself rather than the people around her.
V&M
Victoria walked back into the palace, handing her bonnet over to her dresser as she found her ladies.
''You should begin getting ready ma'am'' Harriett said politely as she took Victoria's bonnet from her ''The dance is not far off''
Victoria smiled and nodded politely. Turning towards her chambers without breathing a word.
Mrs Skerrett was the same age as her nearly, she held the same feelings and often related to Victoria's quiet feelings. There was a bubbling friendship between the two but a line that neither would cross. It was not considered acceptable to engage with The Queen on anything other than a professional scale, but they both understood each other, and when alone, certain conversations arose.
''I would like to change my dress for the evening'' Victoria said to the dresser, looking at the gown hanging up, ready to be worn.
''Of course Majesty, what would you like to wear?'' The dresser looked over the Queen waiting patiently for her answer.
''Something fashionable and desirable'' Victoria finally said after some thought.
Mrs Skerrett looked at The Queen for a moment, before smiling ''Of course Majesty, I have a few that you may like'' She walked off, leaving Victoria in her chambers, looking at herself in the mirror.
V&M
Victoria walked into the room where her ladies stood. All of them admired her, looking over her dress and jewellery.
She had chosen after some careful deliberation, a slim fitting sleeveless dress that was different from her usual style, she wanted to look attractive, and grab attention from people. The reason was beknown to her, but she felt it right.
The dress was very different to her usual style it was a light pink floral dress, the structure wasn't classic, it was different and modern, the straps of the dress where shaped like flowers and the shape followed the entire line of the chest and body of the dress, it sparkled in the light, shimmering as she walked.
It didn't flow out like her usual dresses did, it dropped down and flowed naturally as she walked, her heels tapping across the floor. It was not an English type of dress but a French one, more revealing and seemingly elegant at the same time. Her chest was exposed slightly showing her cleavage pushed up by the tight corset, but she wore just one chemise beneath her dress for Mrs Skerrett said the extra layers would ruin the outline completely.
She wore her favourite diamond necklace followed by her tiara which was delicately placed in her small braids, with two trendil of curled hair falling from her face. She wore a bracelet on one arm and her dance cards on another. Her hands, un gloved.
She loved the dress, she had never seen it before and had never felt more beautiful, she felt free as she walked, not confined in layers and layers but not revealing that either. It was the perfect style, one she was sure to wear again.
Albert walked in amongst the admiring ladies, they all turned to see him standing there, he didn't look over her, he didn't admire her, he simply gestured for Victoria to come to him, she sighed inwardly, hoping the dress may have sparked some reaction in him. But no, he remained the same emotionless Albert. She walked over to him and clasped his hand, walking with him into the corridor, to meet their guests.
She said her polite hello, one by one, greeting everybody and wishing them a lovely evening, many commented on her dress and appearance, but Albert remained the same.
As she reached the end of the line Victoria released Albert's hand and walked over to Lord Melbourne who stood quietly at the end, quite alone. He looked handsome and charming, just like before, she had not seen him in so long, yet he looked unchanged. He smiled warmly to her and took her hand, kissing it gently. Albert smiled to the Priminister but look relatively bored before seeing somebody he knew and heading off to speak with them.
''I am so glad you could make it tonight, I was hoping to see you''
''I wouldn't have missed it for the world ma'am'' He smiled, his voice like liquid gold to her ears, a voice that comforted her in times of need, offered advice when she needed it the most, made her smile and so much more.
She smiled, feeling those butterflies flutter in her stomach, a feeling she had not felt for so long.
''We must dance together tonight, I have missed it so terribly''
He smiled, eyeing Albert who was walking over once more ''I believe the dancing should be done with your husband ma'am'' He bowed and stepped away. Victoria heard the hurt in his voice as she saw Albert come towards her, taking her hand and walking towards the ball room.
The night dragged on by, she continued to dance, consumed champagne and chatted in boring conversation, but every time she got the chance, she looked at him, he stood on his own most of the time, drinking quietly and talking to whoever made the effort. She looked at him as she danced, not quite knowing how she didn't mess up the steps at times, especially when he caught her eye.
How beautiful she did look, age has suited her, perhaps more than he cared to admit as he watched the dress flow beautifully across the floor with her figure, how he longed to hold her once more, to dance with her and share the conversation he so deeply missed. He spent his days sitting alone at Brocket Hall, retirement had always been the forefront of his imagination, how good it must feel to finally get there and have all the time in the world, however he didn't feel that, he felt sad most of the time, lonely even, nobody to talk to and, once all his glasshouses had been sorted, his study re arranged, he had nothing to do with his time, he found himself without friends, without stress and without a purpose.
If he could turn back the clock, he would not have retired, for he lost great friends by doing so.
He felt sad here, seeing her, beautiful and glowing in happiness, maturing into an even more beautiful woman, happily married and enjoying her life, coming had been a mistake, he felt her life was perfect now, and he simply holding on to the past.
''Dance with me'' Her voice surprised him, he looked up from his Brandy to see her beside him, holding out her hand quietly waiting. She smiled, her cheeks pink and flushed like her dress.
He smiled and took her offered hand, Victoria lead the way into the middle of the room, feeling his hand slip round her waist, firm but there none the less caused her to breath in, swallowing a gasp almost as she remembered all those dances they shared.
She glided around the floor with him, just like she used to, he still danced beautifully, guiding and leading her, matching each other step for step. Victoria smiled, properly, as she enjoyed the silence between them.
''You look very beautiful tonight ma'am''
''Thank-you, it was a last-minute choice, in a bid to be noticed'' She said quietly, almost in a whisper.
''I think its safe to say you have done just that'' He smiled down at her, but saw something he did not like, suddenly, she did not look as happy as she first did. ''I am sorry ma'am, have I said something to offend you?'' He asked cautiously, seeing her drop her head and look down at their feet for a moment.
''No'' She said ''Its just… well to be truthful im…''
''Victoria'' Albert's voice stopped them both in their tracks, his hands left hers immediately and like a servant he backed away respectfully, this angered Victoria, she turned to face him.
''Yes Albert, what is it?''
''I would like to dance with you''
She looked over to Lord Melbourne who remained quiet and continued to walk away. ''I was dancing with Lord Melbourne''
''Yes I can see that, however I have yet to dance with you'' He was cold to her, heartlessly rude. Victoria remained quiet.
He leant forward and took her hand roughly, expecting her to follow. ''No'' She said firmly ''I do not wish to dance with you yet''
Albert looked taken back by her words but sneered, leaning forwards and speaking quietly in her ear ''Do not behave like a child around our friends please''
''Remember your place Albert'' Victoria spat the words at him, turning around to see her friend had disappeared.
Victoria picked up her dress and walked briskly from the room, breaking into a short run once out of sight of everybody else.
The corridor was quiet and deserted as everybody was in the ball room. Finally she caught up with him. ''Lord M'' She shouted as he walked up a set of steps, stopping beside a window as he turned to face her ''You are not leaving, are you?'' She asked, almost to desperately
''I am afraid I am not much of a night owl these days'' He replied sadly ''Thankyou very much for inviting me ma'am, it has been a wonderful evening'' He smiled to her.
''Please do not leave, I am having the most miserable time. Albert should not have treated you in the way he did, I made that perfectly clear'' Victoria said firmly
''But he is allowed to ma'am, for he is your husband'' Lord Melbourne replied, cupping his hands at his waist
''Regretfully yes'' She said quietly.
He remained quiet for a moment, taking in what she said ''I am sorry ma'am, I do not understand''
Victoria looked around the corridor, realising this was not the best place to talk she headed for the guest's wing, grabbing his hand without thinking and leading him the way, she ignored the feeling she felt when he gripped her hand back, following her without resistance.
They walked into the quiet guestroom, she turned on the gas lighting and walked towards the balcony taking in the warm summers air despite darkness having fallen already.
She gripped the edges of the balcony ''I feel I have suffered the greatest punishment a woman can suffer'' Victoria said quietly, looking at him for a moment as he stood respectively apart from her.
''What is that ma'am?'' His voice calm but his heart racing in his chest.
''A life of unhappiness'' She said, swallowing the lump in her throat ''I find myself in a loveless marriage''
He did not know what to say ''I am sure the King loves you ma'am''
''I do not love him'' Victoria said firmly ''I never have, and I never will''
He remained quiet. ''I lost my happiness when I lost you'' She said a little to confidently. She had the champagne to thank for that, she never would have said it if it hadn't been for the drink.
''Happiness comes in many different forms ma'am'' He tried to reason with her.
''Does it come in the form of crying quietly every night when I sleep beside him? Or when I walk or ride alone because he does not want to spend time with me? Or ignoring me at the table when we eat? Talking to women who I do not know but get invited to the palace? Or calling me a child, making me feel inadequate about my role as Queen and as a wife?'' She began to get upset a little.
Every ounce of emotion she had felt since saying goodbye to him on her wedding night was flowing out right now, and it had never felt better, she was sad, of course she was, but it was a relief to finally admit to it all, it became real. She was in a loveless marriage, and he may not love her back, but standing here she was faced with the man she did love, and she had to make him aware of that, before it was to late.
''I do not want to fall into a life of regret Lord M, I just needed you to know, that despite everything that we have been through, the distance we have upon ourselves now, I still think about you. Every day, because I honestly believe that I love you. And just thinking about it, brings me such joy and happiness''
He sighed ''There is no greater gift to another than one of happiness'' He said quietly, offering a small smile towards her.
Something told her in that moment that he felt the same. She was not educated in these matters, she knew nothing of love, only what her heart was screaming at her. It was a strong feeling, one the word no could not weave its way out of, she couldn't say no to this any longer, it reared its beautiful head for the very last time. And for the first time in months she felt a sense of belonging.
He stepped forward, stepping into his frame she reached up and kissed him, she offered no hesitation or regret, her hands slipped around his neck, linking at the back as she pulled his lips into her own, it was a slow kiss, sensual and filled with love. Her body hummed its appreciation as he finally, after almost freezing for a moment wrapped his hands onto her waist and held her close, kissing her back.
With every passing second, he began to respond with more passion and emotion, he deepened the kiss, taking Victoria past the amount of experience she held on the matter, dragging her bottom lip between his teeth and nipping it, she gasped at the shot of pain which diminished with pleasure almost instantly.
He backed her up to the edge of the balcony concealing themselves behind the wall as he pinned her against it, pressing her flush against his frame, his hand crept across her back, feeling the contours of her body from behind her dress.
She pulled away from his mouth, sucking in air as she tried to catch her breath, he kissed her neck, nipping and sucking up to her ear before moving down to her collarbone. She sighed and moaned quietly, murmuring things he could not understand.
Everything about this was so wrong, yet so right at the same time, she was so confident in what she wanted, and he was to old and powerless to care what other people thought now.
He could taste the sweet taste of champagne on his lips as his hands continued to travel, feeling hers slip up beneath his coat and pull at the cravat. Her hands where igniting wonderful feelings to him, feelings he thought where long gone from his life.
He couldn't complain, for this was much better than the times he had wondered just what it would be like, albeit under different circumstances.
Voices struck his ear, they sounded close. He froze in his actions, pinning himself up against the wall, pressing her body into his frame as they remained from view. The voices passed, fading away quick enough.
He released a sigh as he backed off a little, Victoria tried to muffle a laugh before finally letting go, he smiled as he saw her compose herself, her heart racing with both excitement and pleasure.
She stopped for a moment, holding a finger to her lips as she seemed to realise something, she looked at him, and stepped back into his frame, wrapping her arms around his neck and looking into his eyes.
''Thankyou'' She whispered.
He toyed with the stray curls from her perfectly done up hair ''The pleasure was all mine'' He murmured, a playful smile on his lips as he suddenly felt 20 years younger.
Victoria shook her head as she backed up pulling him into the corner once more. ''Not for that'' She smiled, looking into his eyes.
''What for?'' He asked curiously
''For your gift'' She said sweetly, running her thumb along his bottom lip.
''I do not understand'' He said finally
''Happiness is the greatest gift'' Victoria replied ''And you have given me some. I shall treasure it, forever''
He smiled ''I am glad I can return the gift, for you offered me something I shall never be able to return''
''What's that?'' She whispered
''A life, that was worth living again''
She felt tears form in her eyes, unbeknown emotions flooded through her, pulling her from every lonely night, every tear she cried, every time she wished things could be different. For she offered him youth and a sense of belonging and he offered her happiness and love. Whatever way they looked at it, however unconventional it was, they loved each other, and nothing changed that.
He kissed her again. Differently this time, it was a single but long-lasting type of kiss, she remained still and cherished the contact between them. As he pulled away he looked down at her dress.
''I do not see how anybody could not admire you tonight ma'am'' He said, holding her hand politely as she stepped out of the corner and smoothed her dress down.
''Yes well Albert certainly did not'' She huffed
''He is a blind man and does not know how lucky he is'' He replied.
''I did not make the effort for him'' She admitted ''For whatever I do for Albert it is never enough, I could offer him a tower of gold and he would still not look at me any differently''
''Love is not about gifts ma'am, it is about cherishing somebody for who they are, accepting their faults and admiring their strengths'' He said quietly ''But I have to ask, who did you make the effort for?''
Victoria smiled. He didn't need an answer.
''Do not leave the palace'' She said quickly, taking the last of the courage she held before the drink wore off ''I cannot live here as unhappy as I am, it is without your company I find myself so lonely''
He sighed clasping her hands tight within his own he brought them to his mouth and kissed them gently.
I always intended for this to be a one shot fic but have decided to leave it open depending on the response I get from it, so I guess time will tell! Let me know your thoughts and thanks for reading.