Sarah Versus The Forbidden Feelings

Hi, this is my first Chuck oneshot. I became addicted back in the summer and this oneshot has been stewing for a couple of months now. I've finally finished so I hope you like it :)

I do not own any of the characters they belong to Josh Schwartz and Chris Fedak, but if i win the Euromillions that might change...

Enjoy!

Summary: Sarah Walker was trained to turn off her emotions...but with Chuck, she doesn't know how to stop them. When you keep feelings this strong bottled up, they're bound to come out at some point...right? Oneshot.

Chuck Bartowski. The one person I care most about in the world.

It doesn't matter that he isn't the world's best spy; I don't want him to be. He thinks that I'm impressed by someone who can wield a gun properly or someone who can take out a room full of men with his bare hands...but he's wrong. I want him, but I just can't tell him that. When you've been trained to cut your emotions off for as long as I have, trying to get them out in the open is a harder feat than any normal person could imagine.

What I want to say is that I love him. I love Chuck because he's brave, passionate, headstrong and willing to fight for the people closest to him no matter what. I love him because he loves me for the person I am, even with all the secrets I have to keep from him. He trusts me so wholeheartedly it scares me sometimes. He believes that we will have a future together, no matter how many times he's tried to convince himself of anything different.

Chuck wants normalcy, I've never met anyone in my profession who wanted that, but I suppose when you join the CIA normalcy is out of the question. I know his need for a normal life draws me to him like a moth to a flame, because I know that I could be a part of it, I could slip into it so easily with him. I know with Chuck we could live the perfect life together, golden retriever and everything and we'd be happy. Not just the type of happy you'd see when watching re-runs of The Waltons, we'd be happy for real and mean it, every second of every day.

All my life has been filled with deception; my life hasn't been ordinary for a second. From a young age my dad and I would con people out of their money, and that was how he made a living. When he was put away, the CIA recruited me to be a secret agent. Every life I've lead has been false, but with Chuck I've been able to be more myself than I've ever been with anyone. He makes it so effortless, so easy; I just forget that our relationship is a cover because it feels so real. He's even mentioned it to me before, but I couldn't say a word. Deep down though, it is real to me, as real as I could ever have. It just frightens me when I stop and think about it and realise that we can never be together. I can never be with Chuck in the way we both want; it's too dangerous for him and I could never live with myself if he had to die because of me.

But these feelings continuously cloud my judgement. Sometimes I think about leaving the CIA and settling down, but something always crops up reminding me that it's never that easy just to walk away and forget everything.

Right on cue, General Beckman's face appeared on the computer screen and I stopped daydreaming at once. Casey marched over to where I was sitting and gave me the briefest look of concern before he gave his undivided attention to the screen. Obviously he'd spotted me distracted, nothing got past him. I was sure he'd question me later; we couldn't be unfocused in our line of work. I knew I had to think up a convincing lie, there was no way I could tell him how I felt about Chuck. He'd only berate me for compromising our mission with my feelings, and probably report me to General Beckman who would transfer me onto another mission. That was the last thing in the world I wanted.

Just as Beckman was about to finish her briefing the Dungeon door opened and Chuck entered apologising for his lateness. Apparently Morgan had kept him up late playing the new Call of Duty game. I couldn't help myself but I smiled instantly and let out a small laugh, both to Casey and Beckman's displeasure.

"Nice of you to join us Bartowski." Casey said gruffly before signing off with the General.

"Sorry." Chuck apologised sheepishly as he looked at me with a shy smile.

"Just ignore Casey." I found myself saying as I melted on the spot. I always felt so protective of Chuck that I felt like I was giving too much of my feelings away. Surely he knew that I was in love with him, I couldn't see how he couldn't.

"Walker, you can brief Bartowski because he was so late." Casey grumbled while emphasising the word 'late'. "I'll make arrangements for our assignment this evening." He added before walking out.

I felt myself breathe in and I found myself feeling slightly shy, it always happened when Chuck and I were alone. It felt like my first crush in junior school, feelings so intense that I was scared by the meaning of them; it was exactly the same predicament now.

"I am really sorry, I wanted to go offline but Morgan was begging and pleading because he had a fight with Anna...you know how it is."

"It's sweet that he can rely on you to make him feel better." I smiled again, I couldn't help it. I kept wondering how he could have this effect on me, I couldn't remember a time before Chuck when I smiled this much, even when I was with Bryce.

"Yeah, it just always gets me into trouble somehow." He laughed as he looked at the floor, feeling awkward no doubt.

"Casey's a perfectionist," I said in a comforting tone, ideally I would've hugged him, but that would've been out of line, "don't worry about him, I'll protect you."

"You always seem to be doing that, protecting me; anyone would think that was your job." He joked as his warm brown eyes pierced my own blue ones. How I wanted to walk up to him and kiss him.

"Any girlfriend would admit that it was their job to protect their boyfriends."

"Sarah, we both know this relationship is just a cover. I'm not your boyfriend and I don't think I ever will be."

Right then I wanted to tell him, I wanted to say everything that I'd kept bottled up; I wanted to say those three little words that Chuck and I wanted to hear so badly.

"Chuck, I -"

"Walker, get a move on otherwise we'll be late." Casey barked from the Dungeon entrance.

I sighed heavily and looked to the floor breaking our intense eye contact. I grabbed my gun from the table top and put it in my holster as I made myself look busy when really I was trying to calm myself down. I'd been this close to saying it, but as usual the timing stunk. Chuck was looking at me confused and unhappy, as if he knew what I'd been about to confess. I knew he was expecting me to finish what I was going to say, but now I'd got cold feet and I'd chickened out, I wasn't going to say it. The stopper was still in my bottle of feelings, dormant, waiting to pop some other day.

"Come on, let's get moving, we've got criminals to stop."

"Sarah, what were you about to say?" Chuck asked me, not moving from his spot.

"Another day, another time, Chuck." I told him wistfully as I ran up the steps with him trailing behind; I could feel his disappointment rolling off him in waves but it wasn't the time to say anything.

My walls were put back up for now; I'd decided not to bring it up again, not for a while. Hopefully Chuck would forget about this incident and we could go back to normal. Normal being Chuck believing I didn't love him and me keeping my mouth shut at all costs.

But what's normal for a secret agent any way? I thought as I got in the car and sped off to my next assignment.

Reviews (equals) loves :)