The first Gundam W fic we ever wrote. Meaning this story was written somewhere around December 1999... I think... yeah, we wrote it for the page I had started like Jan. or Feb. 2000... anyway, onto the fic!
Inventions for the Common Sense Impaired
By Firia and Kageri no Miko
OOC abounds. YAOI. Gundam W (c) Sotsu Agency/Sunrise
Part One
"I'm sooooo bored...." Duo complained as he stretched and leaned against a table piled high with empty beakers in the small laboratory. He then walked around the room, stopping to peer into glass tubes filled with preserved animals and unidentifiable green and purple liquids.
"Yuck. Those stupid lazy bastards! Making us go get the stuff they left behind in this old dump of a lab!" Duo glanced at his silent companion. As Duo droned on, finding every way possible to insult the scientists, his companion remained silent, diligently packing the items the scientists had requested neatly into large plastic containers.
"Oi, Trowa! Check this out." Duo said with a grin as he held up a strange mechanical half-finished invention. Trowa barely glanced at him and continued working.
"I wonder what the hell this is... it looks like a two-sided gun, ne? Pretty damn useless if you ask me. You'd end up shooting yourself too when you fired it at someone." Duo remarked as he peered into both barrels of the gun.
"Probably the reason it was left here. Put it down." Trowa said quietly, not bothering to look up from his task.
Duo ignored Trowa's response and continued to inspect the gun. He sneaked up behind Trowa and pointed it at him.
"Think they'll let me keep it?" Duo asked.
"Why would you want to keep it?" Trowa replied as he warily eyed the gun.
"It's kinda cool looking! It's broken anyway! They'll never miss it..." Duo muttered and began pressing the buttons and throwing the switches on the gun. Trowa glared at him as he said, "Stop messing with it. If you're going to kill yourself with it, fine, but stop aiming it at me."
Duo chuckled and retorted "Relax, will ya Uni-bang Boy? It obviously doesn't..."
At that moment, a green light shot from both ends of the gun.
"...W-work..." Duo said as both boys promptly fell unconscious.
Sometime later, Duo awoke. "Ugh... my head...what the hell?! Why can't I see out of one of my eyes?!" He gasped as he sat up, only to see himself standing over him with a cold, extremely annoyed look on his face.
"Are you satisfied now, Duo?"
Duo gaped at the other boy then jumped up and screamed,
"TROWA?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY BODY?!"
Some time later...
"So what are we gonna do?" Duo said as he attempted to push the uni-bang out of his eye. Trowa carefully picked up the gun and began to look it over.
"It's broken. You dropped it after it fired." Trowa stated as he examined the gun.
"Shit. Guess now we gotta see if the scientists can reverse this. And dammit, how can you stand seeing out of only one eye?!" Duo snapped as continued his futile attempts to push the uni-bang from his face. Trowa ignored him and said quietly,
"First, we finish working." At that he resumed his careful packaging of the scientists' equipment.
When the two reached the Dr. J's current lab, they were surprised to find the lab empty and a note taped on the computer. It said:
"Trowa and Duo:
We all decided to go on a weekend get-away. Just leave the supplies in the storeroom.
-- J"
"This is just fucking perfect!" Duo snarled as he ripped the note into tiny pieces. He looked to Trowa awaiting a plan of action. Trowa stared back passively and finally spoke,"Let's just go back to the base." And headed towards HeavyArms. Duo sighed and followed suit, still messing with his bangs.
"Hey, partner, don't be fooled. It's me, Duo!" He said and patted Deathscythe's foot before jumping to the cockpit. By the time he was ready to take off, Trowa had already left.
"I think he's pissed. I don't see why though, he should be grateful to be in a body where he can see from both eyes!" Duo muttered and took off after Trowa. As soon as they returned, Duo proclaimed that he wanted to take a nap, and headed towards the sleeping quarters. He started to open the door to the bedroom he and Heero shared when he thought, "With Heero being the jealous bastard he is, he might get all bent out of shape if he comes back and sees 'Trowa' sleeping in my bed..." so he headed towards the room Quatre and Trowa shared and promptly fell asleep on what he hoped was Trowa's bed.
Trowa on the other hand, decided to spend his time doing routine repairs on HeavyArms. He was extremely grateful that the other 3 pilots were on a mission, and were not due back for another two days. He frowned as the braid smacked him in the face whenever he made a sharp turn. "How can Duo stand this stupid thing?" He thought and continued working.
Duo awoke to the pleasant feeling of someone running their fingers through his hair.
"H-Heero?" He said groggily and opened his eyes.
"Now why would you say 'Heero' ne?" a voice definitely NOT Heero's purred in his ear. As soon as he heard that voice and realized he could only see out of one eye, the earlier events of the day were remembered. He jumped up and gasped,
"Quatre?!" W-What the hell?"
Quatre giggled. In a creepy Marie-Maiya way. The type that manages to sound sinister and cutesy at the same time. He leaned towards Duo and replied, "I can tell you've been around Duo-kun today, you're picking up his bad language. "At that, Quatre pounced on who he thought was Trowa.
"Wait a sec! This is... I mean... you can't! I-I thought you had a mission!" Duo's stammered as he tried to de-glomp himself from Quatre's surprisingly iron grip.
"We finished early, thanks to Heero." He whispered and tightened his deathgrip.
"I-I'm not Trowa! Let me go!" Duo yelped in panic. Quatre began that creepy/cutesy giggle again and replied,
"You look like Trowa to me..." and kissed him. Deeply. With tongue-action. Duo managed to pull Quatre off him when they parted for air.
"I'm not Trowa!" He squeaked and tried to escape. Quatre giggled and replied, "Oh, Trowa, I see what you want you naughty little boy." and whipped out a pair of handcuffs. Duo's mind was in a looped train of thought, "Must get away from sex-crazed scary Quatre. Must get away from sex-crazed scary Quatre. Must get away from sex-crazed scary Quatre."
Duo did the only thing he could think of in this situation. He screamed his head off for Heero to save him.
Meanwhile, Trowa was still working on HeavyArms. He was so immersed in his work that he forgot about the whole body switch. So when the other pilots returned to the base, he barely noticed them. When he felt the presence of another person behind him, he figured it was Quatre and continued working without looking up.
"Baka. Why are you working on HeavyArms?" a nasally monotone voice said behind him. He would have yelped, but this was Trowa after all. He turned around slowly, trying hard to think of a reasonable way to explain the situation. He was surprised to see Heero... leering at him. Heero stepped closer, still leering, and grabbed him by the braid.
"Baka." He muttered and began to drag Trowa off HeavyArms. Trowa was in too much of a state of shock to react for a moment. Finally he managed to say, "You and Duo...? I didn't know... Wait Heero..." Heero of course, ignored him and continued to drag him out of the hangar and towards the sleeping quarters.
"Please wait, Heero. I'm not Duo!" Trowa said helplessly trying to struggle out of Heero's grip. Heero's eloquent reply was,
"Hn."
He opened the door to his and Duo's bedroom with his free hand. Trowa was still squirming to escape.
"I'm Trowa! Wait!" Trowa gasped as Heero tossed him onto Duo's bed.
"Sure you are." Heero muttered as he slid his tanktop off and jumped on the bed.
"What do I do? What'll Quatre think?!" Trowa thought in panic, trying to swat away Heero's roaming hands. Heero easily put a stop to that by pinning down his wrists. And it seemed that this would turn into a pseudo 1x3 fic until...
"HEEEEEEEERRRROOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEEEELLLLPP!!!!! ONNNEEGAAIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!"
Heero and Trowa stared in utter shock as the door burst open as Duo ran into the room and glomped Heero screaming that Quatre was trying to have his evil way with him. Heero gave the Yui Glare Of Death (tm) and tried to pry the babbling uni-banged boy off his legs.
"Trowa, what the hell are you doing?" He growled. Quatre walked in the room with a whip in one hand and a pair of handcuffs in the other. He gaped at the sight of what appeared to be Trowa glomping Heero, all the while babbling, "I'M DUO!" like a mantra. Trowa took the opportunity to run towards the door, and hopefully far, far away from Heero. He would have escaped, if Wufei wasn't blocking it.
"WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GOING ON HERE?!" Wufei roared and scowled at all four of his fellow pilots. The room went silent, and all eyes shifted to 'Trowa' glomping Heero. Finally the real Trowa spoke,
"He's telling the truth. He is not Trowa. I am." Quatre, Heero and Wufei's eyes all turned to the oddly soft-spoken serious braided-boy. Trowa sighed and continued,
"Duo was messing with a half-finished experiment. It somehow switched our minds when it fired." Duo was nodding vigorously, still attached to Heero's legs. Heero glared at Duo and said,
"Prove it."
Duo stared blankly for a minute, then grinned and whispered into Heero's ear. Heero showed no emotion whatsoever, but Duo was blushing furiously. Heero stared at the boy then said,
"He's Duo." Then went over to his laptop and began typing.
"Heero! How can you treat this like nothing!?!" Duo exclaimed. Wufei and Quatre just kept glancing back and forth between Trowa and Duo, still trying to process this strange turn of events. Quatre finally said,
"Why didn't you two just ask the scientists to reverse this? Surely they have a way to fix this!"
Trowa visibly twitched. Duo retorted,
" Of course we thought of that! But it seems the fucking good doctors decided to take off for the weekend!" He sighed and pushed at the uni-bang, then went back to bothering Heero.
Wufei spoke, "You mean you two are stuck like this for at least 2 days?"
Four of the five G-boys silently looked at each other, until Trowa's cell-phone rang. Three sets of eyes turned to Duo who was digging frantically in his pants pockets looking for the phone. He started to hand it to Trowa, who shook his head and said quietly,
"You have to answer it."
"H-hai..." Duo said and smiled weakly as he turned on the phone.
"Hai, moshi moshi?" Duo said trying to sound as monotone and Trowa-ish as possible.
"Trowa! It's me!" A female voice replied.
"Oh? So it's... you... how about that?" He responded and laughed weakly, looking at Trowa for help. Trowa murmured quietly,
"If it's a girl, then it's Catherine."
Duo nodded and quickly turned his attention to the phone.
"Aa. Catherine. Umm... how are you doin'?"
"Trowa? You seem cheerful today...." Catherine responded, sounding a little uneasy.
"Shit. I uh mean. What'd you call for?"
"Are you ok, Trowa? You seem--"
"Fine! Perfectly fine! So what'd you call for?"
The other three pilots groaned as they watched Duo's horrible attempt at acting like Trowa fail before it even started. Heero snorted and didn't even bother looking up from his laptop. Duo cringed and waited for the girl to get the point of the conversation.
"Well I just wanted to remind you that we're going to have a performance tonight... you're going to be there right?"
"I-I would have to be in that performance, ne?" He said weakly and shot Trowa a glare.
"Well yes, you're the best lion tamer we have!"
"Hai... well, ok. I'll see ya." Duo said and hung up. He practically growled at Trowa,
"Now I have to dress like a clown and tame fucking lions!"
"This is all your fault anyway." Trowa replied impassively and headed towards his room. He turned to Duo and said,
"We must reach the circus grounds at 8:00 p.m. I will try to help you as best I can."
"Why can't you just call that chick back and cancel this!?" Duo snapped.
Trowa halfway-smirked and replied, "Perhaps I think you should be punished for this situation you have caused."
Wufei began to laugh quietly and said as he exited the room,
"You bring misfortune on yourself, Maxwell. This seems... just."
Duo turned to Quatre, hoping for some sympathy, but even Quatre shook his head and said,
"You shouldn't have messed with that experiment, Duo-kun." Then he followed after Trowa.
"Heero? Well, let's hear it."
"Hear what?" Heero muttered without looking up.
"That I'm total moron who doesn't deserve pity."
"Hn." Heero grunted and motioned for Duo to come over to him. As soon as Duo got in arms-length, Heero roughly hugged him. And said with a slightly amused tone,
"You're a baka."
Duo grinned and said,
"Aa. But you wouldn't have me any other way would ya?"
Heero grunted again and added,
"Trowa's hair is more irritating than yours."
Part 2
After a couple of hours had passed, Trowa came into the room where he saw his body nuzzling Heero's arm.
"Ahem…Duo, it's time to go." Trowa muttered.
Duo got up and looked around. "Nani!?!? Oh, yeah, the bodyswitch thing. For a second there I thought I was partially blind."
"Well, get up." Trowa growled in response.
"See ya later love." Duo said as he kissed Heero's cheek. Trowa muttered something intelligible and headed towards the door.
"BWA HA HA HA HA!!!!!" Duo laughed, pointing at Trowa.
"Nani?"
"You…don't know how to braid hair, do you?" Heero snickered.
"Never needed to before." Trowa muttered. Duo took out the attempted braid, and re-braided his hair in record time.
"Man, it's a lot easier from this side." Duo said, smiling. "Okay Trowa, let's go to the circus!"
"Finally…" Trowa muttered, turning to Duo. "You didn't do anything in my body, did you?
"No way! Did you do anything in mine?"
"No." Trowa answered, slamming the car door shut. "I don't think we should do any of that until we're ourselves again. Duo shook his uni-bang in agreement.
"Well, we're here." Trowa said, getting out of the car. "Now, what should we do first? Knife throwing or lion taming?
"KNIFE THROWING!?!?! LION TAMING!?!?! You've got to be kidding!" Duo screeched at the top of his lungs. "Are you MAD!?!?!?"
"Knife throwing it is."
After about an hour of practicing had passed, and Trowa had finally gotten Duo's shaking under control.
"Now we just have to teach you how to use the whip." Trowa said.
Duo grinned sheepishly "I already know how to use that…"
"I DO NOT want to know… Anyway, just hold the chair in front of yourself and keep them at a distance. If they come to close, use the whip. Got it?"
"Hai! Just one thing, do I have to wear that stupid clown outfit?" Duo asked timidly.
"Yes Duo, you have to wear everything I normally do."
"Shit!!! I'm gonna look like an idiot." Duo whined.
"That's the point. Now go get dressed."
Duo stepped out of the dressing room, fully clothed in the clown apparel. The mask covering half of his reddened face.
"Geez man, your job sucks…" Duo complained.
"Just do it." Trowa grumbled.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, welcome to the circus!" the ringmaster shouted.
"There's your cue. Just stand in front of the board, Catherine will take care of the rest. You won't get hit." Trowa told the shivering Duo.
"NOOO!!! Please don't make me go out there! I don't want to be a shish kabob!"
"You won't be, now go." Trowa snapped.
"Okay, I'll go." Duo said, as he imitated Trowa's expression, "Think statue, bird droppings and cement chips… Trowa simply shook his head.
"You'll be fine, it's the circus I'm worried about."
The show lasted for about 3 hours. Duo did pretty good, except when he accidentally whipped himself a few times.
All he could say to Trowa was, "Gomen, we always took turns. He'd whip a little, then I'd whip a little, you know?"
"No, and I would like to keep it that way." Trowa said, his monotone faltering slightly.
"Oh well, better luck next time, ne?"
"Next time, there's not going to be a next time. You'll be you soon enough."
"Awww, man, are you jealous? Did I do that good?" Duo snickered.
"No, and you did fine." Trowa mumbled. "Remember what we agreed on."
"Yeah, yeah, I remember." Duo muttered, "This really bites…"
"Well, next time when I say 'Put it down' you'll pay attention, right?"
"Probably not." Duo smirked, as he skipped up the steps.
"Oh Trowa-chan, you're home!" Quatre said, as he embraced Duo. "I've missed you, my uni-banged angel."
"Uhhh…Quatre, man, I'm not Trowa, remember? Get off me buddy." Duo said, as he slowly pushed the small blond figure off of him. Quatre's eyes started to tear up.
"But…Oh, yes, Trowa and you…" he mumbled between sobs. The door flew open, and an enraged Trowa glared at Duo.
"What the hell did you do now?" Trowa said, looking up at the baffled pilot.
"I, uhh, it's not what you think. I mean, Quatre forgot, then I said. Gomen man, it was a mistake." Duo said, backing towards the door.
"Damn straight it was a mistake!" Trowa shouted as he pounced on Duo. "You mother fucker! Making Quatre-chan cry!"
"Trowa, Duo, what are you doing?" Heero asked, as he came out his room.
"It seems that Barton has finally had enough of Maxwell." Wufei chimed in.
"I'll teach you to make…" Trowa screamed.
"…Quatre cry!" Duo yelled.
Now every one was baffled.
"That's weird, why would Duo-kun want revenge for me against Trowa-chan?" Quatre mumbled.
"I have an idea." Wufei said, as he whispered a plan in the ears of the other pilots.
"Ninmu Ryoukai." Heero said.
"I agree, it's worth a shot." Quatre agreed.
"Come on Trowa, kick his ass!" Heero roared.
"Mop the floor with him Duo!" Quatre screamed.
Both of the pilots looked at their lovers baffled, then they looked at each other.
"Omae o korosu!" They screamed as the final punch was thrown.
"Now, all we can do is wait." Wufei said, as he finished his tea.
About 2 hours had passed and neither of them had stirred.
"Are they dead yet?" Heero asked, not looking up from his labtop.
"No, they're still breathing." Quatre said, as he saw Trowa's body's hand move slowly. "One of them is awake!" However, Duo's body was the first to rise.
"Itai…Anyone get the number of that truck? Heero!!! Heero, it's a miracle! I can see!!!" Duo shouted.
"My baka." Heero said, as he dragged Duo into their room by the braid.
"Heero, not the hair!!!" Duo whimpered.
Trowa just looked up at the blond bishonen staring back at him.
"What are these tears for?" he asked.
"You." Quatre answered, glomping the breath out of the battered and bruised pilot. "Only you."
That night was the first night Wufei had ever spent in a hotel, but then again, that's a different story…
Owari!