What was not
by BigFatWannaBe
Summary: Naruto is older now, and his greatest dream has come true. He recalls a constant he had his life which he lost forever.
KakaNaru, character death.
I don't remember how old I was – maybe 3 or 4, I don't know … what I remember is his voice and his scent.
He was running with me to the old man's house, and he was talking to me, saying things to me. I don't remember those things … he smelled clean, there was nothing that stood out, he smelled like green things, fresh and cool.
I remember waking up at the old man's place and had to take medicines, then that's it.
I heard his voice again, when he walked into the classroom, our new jounin sensei. I'd pranked him that afternoon - well it did serve him right for coming late that day … he looked at us, and when he spoke "My first impression of you guys is … I hate you", it was that voice … I had to stare.
The years went by and many things happened. We got stronger and stronger with each mission, and sensei always taught by doing, there was so much I learnt from him, and then again, there were things I was hurt with …
When I was traveling with ero-senin, sometimes, during training breaks, I would think of him … wonder what he was doing, if he was ok, whether he was busy with missions … three years is a long time.
I got him a present … the yet un-released book of that ero-senin's. I had to chuckle … I could understand his weakness. I have mine!!
When he told me that he really liked me, I almost died … I screamed at him … I just didn't know how to react … sensei caught onto what I was freaking about … and he said, "no, no not like that.." aaaahhhhh … by the time I got calm enough to hear what he was saying, my chest started to get heavy … he doesn't like me like that??? But I want him to … later … after everything took place, the funeral … Asuma sensei … when I was alone in my room … I realized that even if he wanted to, it was me who put him off.
I was lost when ero-senin died, that perverted old man … he was like a grandfather to me … I loved that old man … I was lost.
I couldn't think … I wasn't myself … I didn't even think of sensei once that whole time …
Many things happened after that … the village was destroyed … sensei was killed.
If I mourned for ero-senin, I couldn't feel anything about sensei, my mind was a blank, my chest felt numb, my tears couldn't fall. I had no tears … there was nothing powerful enough for me to spend on for a man like that … sensei …
I loved him beyond feeling.
He lived the life of a true shinobi … he died fighting to protect a comrade and to protect the information that would save many more.
Later, months later, after baa-chan recovered … we talked … about a lot of things … we both had lost precious people.
I asked her everything about sensei; she told me, my pain was so much that I still couldn't cry … she spoke till sundown. I had to leave, it was time for her medication.
I walked through the village … the birds were chirping as they nested down in the dying rays of the sun … villagers stopped to greet me and waved at me… now.
Ha! How fickle we humans are, how ironical the situation… but, I waved back at them. Kids yelled to out their "good-byes" to one another as they ran home for dinner … a couple kissed in the darkness of an alley, the girl torn between leaving her lover and her fear of getting caught … I had to look at them … I wanted to remember that … I wanted to feel pain …
I reached his apartment complex … it had been rebuilt, and I remember saving most of his belongings I could find in the rubble …
I used the key I had on my key link and opened the door. The room was empty and had the smell of new wood and paint … there were two small bags at the end of the room where I knew his bed would have been.
His photographs, the glass frames shattered … a scrawny 9 year old with masked face and scowling eyes … a carefree masked man posing as sensei with his first genin team … all his books … his precious, precious books … some of them so old, yet kept so clean … his old comforter … an aged pale green with a shuriken pattern … it was something he wouldn't buy, so it could have been a gift, from … dad maybe… dad was his sensei … in the picture … some small odds and ends … saved over from his childhood … an old photograph taken for ninja ID of a silver haired man with a stern expression on his face … I turned the picture around to see if there was a name … there was, faded but legible, childish handwriting "Hatake Sakumo - not to be forgotten" ... sensei … some of sensei's clothes … a few masks … a few weapons … scrolls … sensei … an old ANBU uniform tunic … so small, he would have been younger than me when he wore this … there was some hard to wash old blood stains on it … sensei …
I hugged that old tunic and kissed the blood stains … again and again … he must have been too lazy or busy to wash it off immediately, and so it stained … it was him … there was something of HIM left behind … sensei …
I woke up and the room was dark. It must have been late at night, I'd fallen asleep among his things with the tunic in my arms … I pulled out the clothes and pressed them deep into my nose to catch anything of his scent … that clean, cool, forest smell … that scent unique only to him …
Years have passed … I've made my dream a reality … lots of hard work, lots of pain and loss … but I am the strongest ninja in my village now … I've changed a lot of things here … and I'm proud to say that a lot of my outlook is due to the most precious people I've lost …
He glares at me now from my desk at home … the little boy with the silver hair and scowling black eyes … I'll never know what's behind that mask now, will I sensei?? Hmmmm … you've escaped yet!
Not a single day passes sensei, when I don't think of you … what could have been between us is now lost but … sensei, I read some of your scrolls I found … there was a lot about you that I misunderstood, sensei … and you know what? That was when I cried, sensei … for the first time in years after it had happened … I cried … I mourned for you … for the man who you were … I mourned that I could not give you credit, when you were alive …
I'm past a lot of things now, sensei … but not you … yes, I am Hokage now, but I've lost something that can never be replaced in this life … but, I am waiting for the next.
Sensei ...