-1I stand at the edge of the cliff top looking down emotionally at the vicious waves below me crashing violently into the rocks at the cliff's base. No one would have a chance in those waves, a perfect place to end a life or a place for accidental tragic loss, the kinda place that a troubled soul could finally be free. I lift my head allowing the wind to ruffle my strawberry blonde hair. Today is going to be a day of forgetting, of forgiving and of moving on. Even if moving on doesn't quite feel right, it is time to put an end to the old life and let a new life begin.

/Several Months Before/

"It's over isn't it?"

"I'm very sorry Ms. Willows." The nurse lowers her head and offers her condolences before hurrying off down the familiar corridor.

I can't explain what I felt at that exact moment, to be honest although I'm ashamed to say it, I felt nothing... it wasn't because I didn't want to, it just happened. For those first few moments I had nothing left to feel, months of preparing for this day were never going to be enough, I always knew that but I was even less ready for this than I hoped I would be.

Over the past two years I had got used to hospital corridors, firstly when my18 year old daughter announced she was pregnant and afterwards for the countless scans that followed the traumatic pregnancy of my only child. The birth had been exhausting for both Lindsey and myself, nothing I could say would prepare my daughter for the 40 hour labor she endured and nothing could prepare me for the amount of happiness I felt holding my grandchild for the first time.

"Congratulations it's a boy."

"Oh honey he's gorgeous."

"No Mom, he's perfect."

"I guess this little one needs a name." I say admiring the perfection that was my grandchild.

"Bradley…..I want to call him Bradley."

Life seemed perfect, there were sleepless nights, dirty diapers, late mornings into work and frustrating moments, all of which I was more than used to. Lindsey was coping well, Bradley was growing stronger day by day and Scott, his father was taking good care of his family.

I had always doubted him, I was the first to object when I met him. He seemed constantly distant and not interested in my baby girl. I assumed he was in it for one thing and one thing only, I was so so so wrong. I regret the day I ever doubted him. You know when people say sometimes it takes a tragic event to make you realize how much someone means to you?! I never was a believer of that, always thought if you didn't know how you felt before you weren't going to suddenly change but it's true what they say, a tragic event made me open my eyes.

Happiness didn't last long. This hurts to talk about so I'll keep it short. She kept being sick, it wasn't just once a day, it would be over and over again leaving her drained and too tired to play with her son. I was so scared she was pregnant again but looking back that would have been better than what was really ravaging her young body. The doctor's words rang in my head, he was wrong, he had to be. For weeks I kept telling myself that there was some mistake and that one day I'd open my eyes and everything would be ok. Eventually I accepted the fact that my baby had cancer, our worlds fell apart right there and then.

She deteriorated quickly, I guess in a way that's a good thing. It caused us less pain in the long run, not that anything can make your only child having cancer hurt any less. Scott became my rock, we visited the hospital every day, held her hand, told her we loved her and that everything would be ok. We weren't lying, we were sure she was going to be ok. The doctors said beings she was young she had a higher percentage of survival than most but the cancer lay undiscovered for too long. No treatment in the world would cure my baby or my dying heart.

It was two months until we found the courage and the strength to clean out her room. I wanted Bradley to have the room as his own, something to remember his Mother by. It was then that I found the letter, the last words I would ever have from my darling Lindsey. I'll read it to you if you can excuse my tears.

Mom,

If you are reading this then I guess that means I didn't make it, I'm sorry that I didn't try harder but I knew it was the end. I tried to fight to stay alive, to spend every precious moment with my baby boy but I couldn't Mom…please understand. It hurt too much, everyday I was growing weaker and every day Bradley was remembering me as something I never wanted to be. I wasn't scared of dying because I know Bradley will be well loved by you and by Scott. Please make sure Scott knows I loved him with all of my heart, soul and body.

I hope you won't let him forget me, I enclosed some photos I want him to have, any others I look good in show him, actually show him any. I want him to see me for everything that I was, not what I became. Look after him well Mom, love him, protect him and care for him but don't be scared to tell him off if he does something wrong. I want you to be there for him for everything I should have been at, his first day at school, his prom, his wedding, the birth of his children, which I hope you will still be around for. I know you'll give him the best chance at life and make sure he has a happy one.

I know you think I never noticed the way you looked at her, the way you smiled at her and the god damn way you always put her down. Mom don't be scared of your feelings. I saw the way she looked at you too, I saw it in her eyes, she loves you just as much as you love her. Please tell her before it's too late and you lose her forever. Sometimes it takes losing someone close to you to realize how short life is. I hope your loss of me will help you to tell her. I want you to be happy Mom and I want her to be happy too, I've always liked her, I want you to be happy together for the rest of your lives. Don't listen to anything others may have to say, I know it's a little different from your everyday family but it's right and it always will be as long as you love each other. That's all I need for my baby boy, a loving family, who cares if he has two Grandma's and his Dad all living under the same roof, life is full of surprises and changes...he won't judge you, he'll have unconditional love for the both of you because my love is within him now. He can make you smile again and don't be afraid to smile again Mom, it will never mean you've forgotten me, it'll just mean you've managed to carry on.

There's really no more I can say, I know no amount of words can numb this pain but I hope you can smile again, if not for me, for Bradley and for Scott. I guess this is goodbye, I'll never forget you or stop loving you but I'm safe now, no more suffering.

Your ever loving daughter,

Lindsey

/Back to present day/

I move closer to the edge and close my eyes trying to find the inner strength I need to go through with the one thing that I know I must do, that I need to do. As much as it hurts I feel it's the only way I can move on, the only way we can all move on...and it hurts like hell, it feels like I'm throwing my world away.

I turn around to take one look at Sara, the love of my life, to be honest it's always been her and once again my tragic event brought it out of me. I look to Scott my new found son and smile weakly, knowing his heart is breaking just as much as mine. Sara smiles holding our grandson close to her chest, gently running her hand through his golden locks.

I hope one day he'll understand and have a little happiness inside his heart. He'll be too young to remember this but he'll learn everything as his life progresses, he'll never grow up wondering what his mother was like, he'll only have the sadness of not having a lifetime with her. I smile back at Sara and nervously play with my wedding band. It's now or never.

"This is for you baby girl, everything's always been for you. Be safe sweetie I love you."

Slowly I lift the lid on the small box in my shaking hands and allow my only daughter to be claimed by the wind and the sea. A small tear escapes my eye.

"Goodbye baby."