Disclaimer: If I was J. K. Rowling, I wouldn't be on fanfiction.
Actually, I would, and I'd have fun writing stupid disclaimers. Unfortunately for me, I'm not, and Harry Potter will forever languish in Gryffindor. :(
This fic is a little birthday prezzie for myself. It takes place in an alternate universe where everyone's less pretentious and snobby and more gullible and insane. Apart from Dumbles. He's still pretentious.
Cookies
3:00 am, 4 Privet Drive
"Knock knock!"
Crash!
"What the hell?" Harry mumbled, rubbing his eyes. "Where's my bed gone?"
"No, no, you have to say "Who's there," the high-pitched voice insisted.
"It's too early for knock-knock jokes," Harry protested, climbing off the ground and reaching for his blanket. "Who are you?"
"Close enough," the voice shrugged. "I'm Voldemort."
"Very funny, Fred, or George, whichever," Harry sighed, wondering how a voice could shrug.
Silence.
"No, really, I'm Voldemort," the voice said, and Harry spun round to stare at the window. Voldemort's pasty face was pressed against the glass and he was waving.
Harry stared.
And stared.
And stared.
When he finally found his voice, he asked hoarsely, "How are you here?"
"Do you need a cough drop?" Voldemort looked concerned. Harry shook his head, stunned. "Well, I come in peace. And with an invitation, because my flying messenger snake told me the last one got burned."
"Flying messenger... I don't want to know."
Voldemort cleared his throat. "I, the Dark Lord Voldemort, also known as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, You-Know-Who and Fuzzywhiskers, formally invite you, Harry James Potter, to join the Dark Side. What d'ya say?"
"Er... no."
Voldemort looked crushed.
"Look, I've refused to your previous invitations. What makes you think I'll accept this one?"
Voldemort looked gleeful. "Because this time... WE HAVE COOKIES!"
Pause.
"Okay, I'm in."
A few days later, Battle of Hogwarts
"I don't understand, Harry," Dumbledore looked sad. "How could you abandon us and join the Dark Side after Voldemort murdered your parents?"
Harry shrugged, raising his wand. "They have cookies."
One Avada Kedavra later, Dumbledore was a corpse.
Meh, who cares? Hands up if you care!
*Crickets chirping*