"There ain't no way you can hold onto something that wants to go, you understand? You can only love what you got while you got it." ― Kate DiCamillo, Because of Winn-Dixie
She looked down at his sleeping face and felt her heart clench. All the reasons, the justifications, the arguments she'd had with herself over why she needed to go…they paled when she looked at him. The knowledge that what she was about to do would fundamentally change things between them…even more than what she'd allowed to happen last night…was almost enough to break her. But how could you break something already so broken? She couldn't put this on him, add her burden to the weight he already carried. It would be too much and , if she never did another thing in her life, she could and would spare him that. She didn't give a thought to sparing herself. She wasn't wired that way. But him, for him she'd take on the world and smile while doing it.
He looked younger with all the cares washed away once he'd let himself rest. One cheek pressed into the pillow, lips parted slightly, dark hair falling in disarray over his forehead. One arm partially shielding his face while the other lay limp across his middle, fingers curled toward the palm. He slept so deeply that he hadn't stirred when she untangled her limbs from his, unbraided their fingers, kissed his forehead and left the bed for good.
She should never have allowed it to happen, but pure panic raced through her when he opened that door and stared her down. Her bag rested on the floor by her feet so it was an easy thing to nudge it under the bed out of sight. For once, he'd abandoned his soft and gentle way as he loomed over her, demanding answers to questions she couldn't think about. Peeling back those scabs, opening those wounds anew, she couldn't bring herself. So she did the only thing she could think of. She kissed him.
Never in her life would she be able to forget the way those deep blue eyes widened and how his muscles turned to stone when she pushed through his walls and staked her claim. Finally. No dancing around, no skirting the edges of their shared past, no hesitation. She kissed him for all she was worth and wanted to weep when she felt his hands splay over the small of her back, drawing her closer instead of pushing her away like she expected. His mouth moved awkwardly along with hers, hesitant at first but gaining confidence with each little sound she made, egging him own.
They came together in a flurry of blurred moments, stolen kisses, and fumbling caresses. No part of her was left untouched, certainly not her heart as he gave himself up to her completely, body and soul. It was unthinkable that she hold anything back…so she didn't. She gave him everything and wondered why they'd wasted so much time…precious seconds and minutes tossed away…leaving them only these moments. These memories that she'd cherish for the rest of her days.
In the pale morning light, she stood at the foot of the bed and memorized his face. Stored up every feature, beloved and wanted and longed for as she fought back the tears and the voice in her head telling her to let herself have this, that she could stay, that things just might be different this time. Here in this place behind these walls.
But she knew it was a lie, a pretty illusion that would eventually come tumbling down, leaving them bleeding and broken in the rubble. She couldn't watch him die but she didn't know who she would be if she got too used to the feel of her blood soaked hands. She was losing bits of herself one kill at a time and to keep from letting go completely…she had to go. Find her way. Make peace with who she knew she had to be to get through this life.
And she couldn't do that here, with him. He saw too much and too deeply. He would never let her break herself down to nothing so that she could be forged again into someone stronger, someone better, someone who bore no resemblance to the woman he thought he knew. It was better this way. It had to be.
"I love you," she said it aloud one time only in his presence to mark the moment and set it in stone. Then she shouldered her pack and slipped out on silent feet. Marked the sentries as they made their endless circles on the perimeter. Waited for the perfect time and then, she was over the walls, disappearing into the misty morning like a wraith. Gone.