Regrets

by Joan Powers

After being marooned on a planet for three and a half years, Penny rediscovers her childhood diary. She records new events which lead her to making a difficult decision

Regrets

by Joan Powers

A/N: What happened to the Robinsons after they took off from the junk planet at the end of the series? What was their final fate? I issued this challenge to the Yahoo - LIS fanfiction group. This story is the first of a few that attempts to address this issue. While it's not my first choice scenario regarding the future of the Robinsons, it was fun to write. Warning! Warning, Will Robinson! This is not a fluffy story.

Rating: PG-13/K+

Genre: Sci-fi /Drama

Timeline: Post series end.

Summary: After being marooned on a planet for three and a half years, Penny rediscovers her childhood diary. She records new events which lead her to making a difficult decision.

Dear Diary,

It's been a long time since I've written in you. I can't believe I've only just rediscovered you, stashed at the bottom of my closet. I must've been hiding you from Will or Judy's prying eyes. Not that there's been that much to write about. Each day is about the same. Helping Mom with meals; repairing clothing and equipment, cleaning and repairing the spaceship. Tending to the hydroponic garden. Searching the planet for anything new or remotely interesting. Although we've landed on dozens of planets in the course of our travels, it's been disappointing to discover that even those systems that can sustain human life have been relatively dull with limited life forms. Rocks and earth colored dust surround us. Despite Will's continued experiments, the soil lacks sufficient nutrients to sustain our crops. With native life forms consisting primarily of rodent-like creatures, we've become vegetarians subsisting on what we can grow in our hydroponic garden.

Originally we'd thought we'd be on this planet for a week at most, simply setting down for repairs so it didn't matter that it wasn't a lush tropical paradise. Unfortunately the repairs were more extensive than we realized.

As I've been reviewing my older entries in you, Diary, I'm amazed at some of the tales. I must've exaggerated our adventures to make them seem more exciting. A talking carrot? Changing people into flowers? Or a stalk of celery? I guess as I've grown up, my imagination has lagged behind. I suppose that's inevitable. Then again being lost in space back then always seemed like a grand adventure with duplicating plants, magic mirrors, space pirates, being caught in an interplanetary war. When did it all start seeming so ordinary?

Tomorrow I'll be seventeen. I guess that colors my perspective. I'm not expecting much in the way of a birthday celebration. We haven't run into any representatives from the Celestial Department store out here. Other than some pretty flowers, this planet has little to offer other than the bare necessities. We've even run out of flour for baking cakes though I'm sure Mother will try to whip up some sort of substitute. Not that I'm not grateful. It would be nice to have more options – that's all.

I always thought being a teenager would be more exciting. And I suppose I've had my share of adventures compared to girls living on Earth. Girls in the books I've read dozens of times went to parties or sporting events, surrounded by friends. To be honest, I can't imagine myself feeling comfortable in those situations. I've never cared for watching sports and I've never craved being the center of attention. I would never have traded my space experiences for anything so clichéd. I would never have wanted to be a cheerleader even if given the chance. I even have mixed feelings about having a boyfriend. My knowledge of boys is limited to my brother, my Dad, my sister's husband and Dr. Smith. I wouldn't know what to say to a boy my age. In those respects, I have few regrets.

But to have a best friend – to chat with over the phone or stay up talking all night at a sleep over? Swapping clothes or trying new hairstyles? Passing notes in class and giggling in the halls? I would've loved that.

Not that I don't appreciate Judy and Will. They're my family and I love them. But….Judy has her hands filled with Katrina. I never realized toddlers were so much work. If we ever manage to get girl time together, Judy tends to fall asleep. She and Don spend what little free time they have trying to fix up the cabin they've build from prefabricated material.

Will is…he's changed. I guess we all have after so many years but it seems more pronounced with him. He's grown over a foot, towering over me, with his clothes hanging on his lanky frame. His wavy hair touches his shoulders, not the neat crew cut still favored by Dad and Don. Most of all, his sense of adventure and general high spirits have faded. Sometimes days will pass without him saying a word. He disappears for days at a time. He spends most of his time devising experiments or surveying the planet. A new fuel for the Jupiter. Yet another attempt to repair our damaged engines. Updated programs for the Robot. Once a happy trio, Will spends more time with the Robot than Dr. Smith. Or any of us.

Somehow, our hope has faded. I don't know exactly when it happened but looking back, I think it started when Don and Judy got married. At the time, it was a joyful celebration. Mom and I threw a wedding dress together for Judy which clung to her slim figure along with the most beautiful veil. The design of the dress was simple yet very flattering. I discovered tiny yellow flowers that I wove into the veil on their special day. I even tossed flower petals at the newlyweds after they were pronounced man and wife. No one was more excited than I.

Though our faces beamed with happiness, later on I realized (and, dear Diary, I would never say this to a member of my family) it was acknowledging that we were defeated. That we would never leave this planet. That we'd never rejoin civilization of any kind. At the time, I didn't fully understand the implications for my future.

Now I do.

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Dear Diary,

Sometimes I get so frustrated I could scream! Today there was blip on the radar screen. With so little going on, I was dying to investigate. I'd already grabbed my laser pistol and was halfway out the door when Don and Dad insisted that I stay behind while they went instead. I don't understand! When Will wanders off for days at a time without any explanation, they don't give him grief about it. And he's younger than me! I've proven myself to be responsible time after time. I can handle a laser. Don taught Judy and I how to use them properly years ago.

To be fair, I know they're concerned about Will. They asked Don to try to talk with him, man to man, a while ago but other than enlisting Will's assistance with fixing up their house, he wasn't successful. Mom and Dad even approached me. I wish I could reach Will. They worry that he's depressed. With his single word answers and occasional grunts, I can't read him anymore.

Of course, I've overheard my parents mumbling about me as well. I see their not so-subtle concerned glances. They worry that I'm unhappy. What would it matter? What could be changed? Judy used to drone on endlessly about all I was missing on Earth. It irritated me. I love Judy but I'm not like her. We have different talents, different interests. How would she know what I would enjoy or what was important to me? Now that she's had a baby, she has no energy for such conversations anymore.

I enjoy helping out with Katrina. It's so much fun to see her reacting to everything. Even something as little as a goofy expression makes her grin and giggle like crazy. She's so sweet with her blonde curls! She looks like a little angel. The other day she said my name. Well….kinda. She calls me Pen. Isn't that adorable? She's so cute as she toddles about, exploring the world around her. Judy and Don are great parents. It's so obvious that they love each other and Katrina is the center of their world.

I wonder if I'll… No - it's better not to go there.

When I look at Katrina, I wonder if she'll ever get to eat a hamburger or go to a movie theater. Will she have a playmate other than her own brother or sister? Will she ever see a rainbow? What about ice cream? (Why am I so fixated on food?) Oh gosh….I sound like Judy!

XXXXXXXX

Diary,

You're not going to believe this! After three and a half years of absolutely nothing happening on this planet, we have visitors. Honest to goodness visitors! Dad and Don met them earlier and invited them to dinner tonight. Rations will be tight. My stomach will growl in bed later this evening but it's worth it just to meet new people. I hope Will returns in time to join us. I'm sure he'll want to be there.

XXXXXXX

Dear Diary,

Can you believe the aliens have a daughter that's my age?? And she's really nice! Her name is Catterall but I call her Cat. We hit it off immediately despite the fact that we have such different backgrounds. We talked all through dinner and afterwards we played card games. She and I teamed up against Will and Dr. Smith and we beat them! I asked if she could stay with us in the Jupiter tonight but her parents thought she'd already had a long day. But they were open to tomorrow night!

Cat and her family are clearly an alien species. Humanoid in appearance, their skin has a distinctive blue tone. There are gill flaps on the sides of their necks, though they also have noses like ours. Their hair is coarser, reminding me more of animal fur, the colors ranging from light brown to darker brown. Cat is traveling with her Mom and Dad and some others. If I'd been paying closer attention to the adult conversation at dinner, I'd know more about whom they were and why they were here. I don't care – I had a great time! I can't wait to see Cat tomorrow.

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Dear Diary,

I'm tired today. Cat got to sleep over last night so we chatted practically 'til morning. Mom's making me do all my chores anyway. But before I lay down to rest, I simply have to tell you more about Cat.

She and her family landed here to survey the planet for minerals. They'd been on a sacred mission to visit some sort of artifact on another planet. It was considered to be paying homage to their ancestors. It was a rite of passage that all seventeen year olds on her world go through. Most of them traveled on a large ship together in a group but Cat's family was more reverent than others so they all came along to participate in the ritual. Cat couldn't completely explain the significance behind their pilgrimage but it was clearly very important to her. Some of her parents' friends had joined them to do some mineral surveys on a few planets along the route.

Just like me - Cat is fascinated by animals. She has all sorts of pets! Zuu - a bird that sounds similar to a myna except it's bright purple. Ela – a foot long lizard variant; Hrrr and Hmmm - black and white creatures which resemble guinea pigs and Tsu Tsu - a large cat which is the size of a lion yet as tame as a house cat. She loves plants too! All sorts of them grow in their house, winding in and out the windows. It sounds fascinating.

I'm amazed by the similarities between our races. Cat grew up with a mom and a dad who take care of her. She goes to school and will even be getting advanced training for a career in the field determined to be most suitable for her. Some battery of tests she gets to take. I'm not sure how much choice she has in that matter though she's hoping for botany and zoology, just like I would!

While her family holds some beliefs similar to ours – that life is sacred and to be cherished and to value other beings, in other respects there are differences. Marriages or what they refer to as unions, are pre-arranged based on compatibility. Most disputes are worked out with a professional mediator or spiritual guide.

Despite the heavy influence their faith has on their daily lives, their world is filled with a vast variety of arts, music and culture. Cat has been trained in the fields of music and art, as well as math and science. Their society appears to appreciate both equally.

Even Will was surprisingly social last night, hanging around to listen to Cat's stories.

It sounds marvelous. I hate to say it but I'm a little envious. Cat will be attending their equivalent of University, learning all sorts of new things. I wish we'd brought along more books. Will and I poured through them all within the first few years of our journey.

I know it sounds silly but even though I've only just met Cat I feel like I've known her forever. It's true what Mom and Dad always say, alien or not, we all have lots in common. We're not as different as we think we are.

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Dear Diary,

I don't understand. Mom and Dad have been talking with Cat's parents, Lyra and Loci, in hushed tones. I've caught Mom starring at me with such a sad expression. And now I know why. They want Will and I to go with them to their world!

How could they think such a thing? Why do they want to get rid of us?

I'm so confused. I love my family. We've made great sacrifices to stay together and I've never regretted any of it. Why is this situation any different than that with Jimmy Hapgood? Rather than letting him return Will and I to Earth, we stayed with our family and things worked out. Wasn't being a family far more important than the trimmings of civilization? If Earth was so great, why did we leave it in the first place? And if Will and I would've been missing so much, they could've left us there with Uncle Walter and Aunt Joan.

Why are the rules suddenly changing?

Will actually approached me to talk about their offer. I was half expecting him to suggest we disappear before the lift off occurred, as we did years before with Hapgood. But he didn't.

I was stunned when he told me, "Penny, I love Mom and Dad. You know that. But I'm stagnating. What type of future do we have here? I need more." As he spoke, I could see the hunger in his eyes. The thought of being exposed to new ideas, of studying at a University. He was starving for new information. For anything new.

I tried to argue that we could still fix the ship. It could happen. He sadly shook his head and reminded me that we'd been cannibalizing the ship for spare parts over the past few years just to keep essential systems functional. There were no supply stores in outer space. And while our new friends were pleasant and very generous, due to differences in our technologies, they didn't have the ability to fix the Jupiter.

I pointed out that another group of aliens could easily arrive that could assist us. In fact, I got a little nasty with him. Will always acts like he knows everything. But…now that I've calmed down, I'm ashamed to say that I think he's right. Over the three and a half years that we've been marooned on this planet, this has been the only group of aliens that we've encountered. What are the odds that a different group with technology compatible to ours might land here? They certainly aren't in our favor.

Is it really so bad here?

As much as I hated hearing it, I guess I needed Will to say what he did. To emphasize how far we've fallen. Whenever I look at the Jupiter 2, I see the state of the art space ship we left Earth in. The gleaming decks and shiny equipment. That's no longer true. Our force field died two years ago. Our clothing synthesizer malfunctioned around the same time. We've all lost weight so our clothing hangs on us but we make do with what we have. The sonic shower no longer functions so bathing has become a luxury. Water is in short supply on this planet. And now our water condensing unit is on its last legs. The temperature regulator for the ship has been slowly deteriorating . We melt in the summer and pile on whatever coverings we can in the winter. With the plants having trouble, we're almost at the point where we're contemplating killing the hideous looking rodents for food, even though there's not much meat on them. It's all happened so gradually, I could fool myself. I could pretend things really weren't as dire as they've become.

What must we look like to Cat and her family who seem so cultured and refined?

What are we going to do?

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Diary,

I'm so confused. When I'm with Cat, I get so excited to see her world. The music, the culture, even the scenery. Water is a huge part of their planet – it's covered with lakes and waterfalls and structures designed to optimize their natural beauty. Her house even has a stream running through it. I can hardly sleep; I want to experience it so badly. To be surrounded by such beauty alone makes me ache with anticipation. There's a part of me that's been awakened that I didn't even know had grown dormant. The thought of going back to my life the way it was before seems bleak.

Yet when I'm with my family, the idea of never seeing them again is incredibly painful. Katrina wouldn't remember me. I wouldn't get to see her grow up. And I'd never find out if Judy's having a boy or another girl. That baby would never know her Uncle Will or Aunt Pen.

I can't do this! I can't!

I feel so guilty that part of me wants to go. What kind of monster am I? To consider abandoning my family?

I didn't understand why we all couldn't go. Wouldn't that be the best solution? Cat's family's ship is large. We'd all fit. Mom and Dad explained that Lyra and Loci are concerned that my parents, Dr. Smith and Don and Judy would have trouble adapting to their culture. I tried to convince Mom that was silly when she shushed me (very unlike her!) and told me more. There was another more pressing factor to consider.

In order to breath on their world, Will and I would have to undergo surgery to implant gills. Adults over the age of twenty were far less likely to survive this operation.

Believe it or not, it gets worse. Once we had the surgery done, we couldn't leave the planet. Ever. We'd never see our family again.

I pointed out to Mom that Cat and her parents were off world and doing just fine. She countered that their biological makeup was different than ours.

What am I going to do?

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Dear Diary,

I just had an awful conversation with Judy. She was crying through most of it. Like Mom and Dad, she believes that Will and I should go with the aliens. As always Don is highly suspicious of their motives, half accusing our new friends of trying to steal our children. Once Dr. Smith figured he couldn't wrangle a way back to Earth, his interest in these events diminished rapidly.

Cat's family has offered to take Katrina with them, to provide her the opportunity to grow up in a society instead of in such isolation and relative poverty. As it now stands, one cosmic storm could wipe out our garden resulting in starvation. A disease could strike which we could be powerless to fight, given our diminishing medical supplies. Survival is an everyday fight here

My dilemma seems rather petty in comparison to Judy's. She's torn. She wants the best for her daughter. Growing up on a world with ample food, culture, and education would provide a brighter future for her. But growing up with your own mother and dad is important too. Even though Don is dead set against it, she's considering the options, using me as a sounding board. She asked me if I would take care of Katrina if they decided to send her. I agreed in a heart beat. It wouldn't be easy but family looks out for family.

xxxxx

Dear Diary,

I haven't slept well. Over the past days I've kept making a decision and then changing my mind. It seemed whatever I chose, there was no right answer. Either choice has serious consequences. Cat has been a dream, listening to me going on about my thoughts and fears. Her parents spoke with Will and I, assuring us they'd be honored to sponsor us and take care of us as if we were their own children.

At least all this has helped Will and I grow closer.

I kept coming back to the question, what happens if we stay? The thought makes my heart ache. More of the stillness, the dullness. The loneliness. We'd be essentially waiting around for our supplies to dwindle and our equipment to fail. That's not a life. Even if you're with the people you love. I didn't realize that before our friends arrived. Now I do and that revelation can't be undone. I must be a terrible person but I can't go back to that. I just can't.

I hate the idea of leaving Mom, Dad, Judy, Don, and Dr. Smith. And little Katrina? Judy and Don couldn't let her go. I don't blame them. Maybe having two less mouths to feed will buy them more time. Maybe the antibiotics and food stuffs Lyra and Loci gave them will help. They've also fixed the water condensing unit. Our new friends promised they'd drop by to check on my parents whenever they could. I'm sure if there had been a convenient settlement to drop us all off on, they would've done so. As it is, since their ship lacks a faster than light drive, their travel is limited to the planets within this solar system.

My parents have been begging us to go. Mom even took me aside to talk about 'womanly' matters. She didn't know if an intimate relationship with a member of their race was possible (or if that appealed to me) but she wanted me to know that love was the most important component. If there was love, she would approve. I can't think about that now – my head will explode.

There's a chance that Will and I won't fit in with their culture, despite the fact that we've gotten on well with Cat's family and friends. Still, we've decided to go. We leave tomorrow.

Their society is more structured than ours. Will that be a problem? Will Cat's parents honor our parents' requests for our future? What if others on their world are not as open minded? What if they're repelled by our foreign appearance? What if I'm repelled by their appearance when I see them enmasse? What if after being isolated for so long, I can't adapt to living with so many other beings? Despite these possibilities, Will and I want to try.

The gill surgery will be performed Enroute as we approach their home world. After it's completed they'll place us in a chamber that will mimic their world's conditions, creating a temporary breathable atmosphere for our gills. I hope it won't be too painful. It will prepare us for our transition to the planet's atmosphere.

Cat's family is providing a veritable feast for our goodbye party. They're even bringing it here to the Jupiter 2 so Will and I can spend our last night with our family in a familiar environment.

On this final day, I've been trying to memorize their faces, sharing with each member of my family how much I love and appreciate them. If my tape recorder was still working, I would've captured their voices. Katrina can't figure out why Aunt Pen's eyes are 'drip-dropping'. It may sound strange but Will is having trouble leaving the Robot behind. In theory, he could come with us. But Mom and Dad will need him more.

I feel almost sick to my stomach. But…this is for the best.

Will swears that he's determined to learn all he can on this new world to save our family. When I argue that we won't be able to leave, he merely smiles and says, "I'll figure out a way."

We both will.

We will see Mom and Dad again. And Don and Judy and Katrina and the new baby. And even Dr. Smith. We'll make sure of it.

THE END