Okay, so a friend dared me to write a Gravity Falls one shot in which Stan is the bad guy. In their words:

"Write a gravity falls fic when it turns out that Stan is evil. No redemption, no 'he was misunderstood'. Stan is the bad guy. CAN YOU?!"

This is my attempt. Enjoy! ^^

Stan watched with amusement as his nephew studied that dusty journal. It was almost as if the little brat honestly believed that he could discover something with it. It was kind of pathetic, really. He'd been tricking people in his shack for years- after all, it was his job- but he never could imagine that he'd be able to fool someone in his own family for this length of time. He knew for a fact that the kid had been obsessing over that thing for months, even before he'd ever told his 'Grunkle' about it. Kids were so naive.

The child never would have guessed that the journal was just something he'd created to keep the twins busy, so that they'd stay out of his hair whilst he worked on more important things- the portal, for instance. That needed his total attention, being as close to completion that it was. He didn't need a couple of kids bothering him whilst he worked on that, not that they could stop him from completing it, anyway. After all, they were probably only twelve or something. They couldn't do anything.

Also, in a way, it was a ruse to keep that damn dream demon busy. That floating dorito had been bugging him for months before the kids arrived, giving him warnings about the 'consequences' of starting that portal, as if something that could only see through one eye could ever know something like that. Of course, he'd looked up on that thing, and he'd found it interesting to discover that the demon lived outside of time, but could only pay attention to one aspect of reality at a time. If he was busy seeing if the kids found out anything they shouldn't, then he wouldn't be able to bother him, stop him or warn anybody about the portal.

He supposed the portal could potentially hurt somebody when activated, but he already had his own one-way plane ticket out of Oregon in the event of that. The rest of his family could rot for all he cared, as long as he got out scot-free. After all, getting out of trouble was what he was best at. That, and lying.

Stan was interrupted from his thoughts by Dipper tapping on his shoulder.

"Hey, Grunkle Stan?" The man supressed a groan at the ridiculous nickname. The sooner he was rid of these kids, the better. He forced a smile on his face.

"Yeah, Dipper? Whaddaya want?"

The boy tried to look casual as he shoved the journal back into his vest, hoping that his great uncle wouldn't notice, but the man was too observant not to. The kid had probably been reading it again, he decided, not that this was anything new. That boy needed a life, preferably one far away from HIM.

"Have you seen Mabel recently? She's kinda vanished." The concern on his face was obvious. "I'm worried something, um, happened to her." Stan almost laughed at the way he quickly glanced at the book. He thought a 'monster' had gotten her. How sweet. Not. What a dumb kid.

"She told me she was havin' a sleepover or something, with her friends," Stan reasurred him. "She's fine."

Dipper frowned deeper. "Are you sure? I mean-"

"Dipper, she's fine. Trust me."

Dipper, as loyal to the man as he was, finally smiled and nodded. "Well... okay. Thanks Grunkle Stan."

The man smirked. "No probs, kid. Now go do something upstairs. The wrestling's on in a sec."

The boy obeyed and made his way upstairs to his room, Stan's confident confirmation enough to quell the boy's worries for now.

Stan shook his head and chuckled as the twelve year old was finally away from him. The boy had no way of knowing that he'd 'accidentally' locked Mabel and her stupid pig outside in the rain to get them out of his hair for a while. It was such a shame that the door was jammed...