Cry Baby
Time : Season 2, some time before Halloween.
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy…since I like writing I guess I'll borrow her. Not making any money from this
Buffy Summers sighed sadly as she opened her eyes…life had been much better just a few moments ago, back in the hazy world of her dream. She and Angel had been married and living in LA… he'd been so sweet holding the baby, and, wow, had he been a good kisser….
She smiled, drifting off back into the memory of his lips on hers as….
"BUFFY!" Her moms voice sounded angry as she yelled from downstairs, "If your not down in ten your riding the bus!"
"Phphhh…" She blew a frustrated teenage raspberry and threw her feet out of bed, things had been really better in the dream. She made it into the bathroom, picked out clothes, changed her mind about them, picked out new ones and hurried down stairs just in time to hear the front door bang shut.
"Blah….." she scowled, giving the clock a quick glance and wondering if she had time for breakfast, blitzing the cupboard and grabbing three pop tarts to eat on the way.
It was not shaping up to be a great day.
###
Buffy found that things did not improve much when she got to school... Principle Snyder was stalking up and down the hallways with a clipboard, which was never a good thing. As soon as his gaze alighted upon her he smiled a thin lipped , tooth baring smile and pointed at her with his bic.
"Summers! Just the type of girl I need…Come here." He jerked his head sideways to indicate that she should follow him into a room where the sour faced school nurse was pushing a Stroller piled high with wailing babies backwards and forwards.
Buffy blinked, her mouth dropping with surprise. It took a moment for her to realize that the 'babies' were infact just dolls. Weird…she turned her head to face Snyder who was watching her with a curiously intent stare.
"Sign here…" He passed her his clipboard and pen, studying the chicken scratch she scribbled at the bottom line of the form.
"Unwanted Babies…" He actually gave a small shudder when he said 'babies', "It happens so fast…one day you're a normal student going vacantly through life, heading towards a minimum wage, empty life…then, BAM!," he clapped his hands violently, "Suddenly you're living in a trailer and scraping by on food stamps and writing your baby daddy in San Quentin."
He eyed her, perhaps thinking Buffy might effect such a transformation before his eyes, after a moment he went on speaking "And, the state in its wisdom has provided this," He pulled a baby doll from the pile and thrust it into her hands, where on some reflex she began to rock it, "So that you can see what your life will be like in just a few short years when your lack of self control and loose morals catch up with you."
He smiled nastily, picking up a blue bag from the floor and giving her that also as the crying from the doll suddenly stopped.
"Everything you need is in the bag. When it cries…feed it, When it messes, change it…return the doll to me in my office next Monday…Electronics, very cleaver, we WILL know if you've neglected it."
"But…" Buffy looked at the tiny plastic figure wrapped in a cotton blankie, now quiet from the soothing rocking, "But…"
But…Principle Snyder was gone, out the door and hunting for his next victim.
###
Willows eyebrows shot up when she caught up between classes with Buffy in the hallway. The Slayer was walking along, her bag in one hand and the doll cradled in the other, gently rocking it as she walked.
"Principle Snyder caught you, huh?"
"He does this often?" Buffy didn't look up, instead she was looking intently at the little plastic features, a smile across her lips as she brushed past another student who grunted with irritation.
"I heard from Miss Calendar he was going to give them out. Its supposed to discourage teen pregnancy…" Willow said, "After all, who wants to have to deal with a crying squealing thing like that?"
"I don't know…" Buffy shrugged, "I think its kinda cute."
"Talking about me behind my back again…?" Xander joined them, slipping an arm over each girls shoulder, doing a double take when he saw what Buffy was carrying.
"Wha…?" His eyes grew wide, darting from one girl to the other.
"Cry doll." Willow explained simply, grinning, "Plastic...see?"
"I can see that…" Xander replied with mock defensiveness, "But in THIS town…"
"Neither of us is dating GI Joe." Willow pointed out.
"True…but you've seen Angels face…you know," Xander pulled his own features into an exaggerated deadpan immobility, "When it does that thing… you know…"
"Want to hold it?" Buffy asked, turning and dumping the doll into his unwilling arms.
Xander looked panic'ed as he franticly adjusted his arms, jiggling the doll as if it were a hot potato. With an electronic buzz the doll began to wail, causing a look of terror to spread over his face. Both girls began to laugh as he desperately shushed and rocked the baby, his surprise evident as the doll quieted almost at once.
"I think he likes me." Xander grinned, keeping pace as the three of then walked down the hall.
"What makes you think he's a him?" Asked Buffy, causing Willow to frown.
"Uhh…Buffy…"
"Yeah…" She changed the subject, pushing open the door to the library and walking in, "I need to carry this thing around all week."
"Uhh…? Cary What?" From the counter Giles looked up, peering over his glasses from the crinkled yellow pages of the book he was taking notes from.
"My son!" Xander proclaimed, grinning and indicating the doll with a nod of his head.
"Good gracious." Giles's eyes widened with surprise, one eye brow rising, "You actually convinced someone to…with you…"
"Ha…Ha...Very funny." Xander scowled, following the others as they filed past the counter and into the chairs.
"Principle Snyder thinks I'm at risk of becoming a single mom." Buffy explained.
"Ahh…" Giles nodded, "how long will you have…uhh…it?"
"This week." Buffy shrugged, "No big. How hard can looking after a baby be?"
"Uhh…Well…" Giles suppressed a smile, "If you say so…"
"Doesn't Xander look cute holding the baby?" Asked Willow.
"Well…kinda cute." Buffy agreed, causing the boy in question to smile.
"Hey…" Xander grinned suddenly, "I always heard babies were babe magnets…" he considered, "Can I borrow it tonight?"
"BORROW my baby?" Asked Buffy in mock disbelief, "I guess. What for?"
"Well, I was going to-"
"Ahm…I don't think that you ought to lend the doll to people as a 'babe attractant'." The Watcher shook his head slightly and made the 'displeased Giles' face.
"Oh come on!" Buffy objected, "Its not like it's even a real baby…what could possibly go wrong?"
"Well…" Willow considered a little nervously, "If anything DID happen Principle Snyder would….be, uhh…kinda mad don't you think? Those dolls are really expensive…"
"Sorry…" Buffy shook her head at Xander, "You'll need to get your own kid."
"I think Xander would be a great dad." Willow said softly, watching him wearing his goofy grin and rocking the doll. No one was listening.
###
Buffy found the novelty of the doll wearing off fast by the time she got home. He mom was preoccupied with work and hardly commented on the doll, except to refuse to look after it while Buffy went on a 'study session' over at Willows house. At dinner Buffy tried to change her mind.
"But Mom…grandma's LOVE looking after kids." Buffy wolfed her food.
"That's because they've had years to forget how annoying it is having kids underfoot." Countered Joyce, "And its meant to teach YOU how much responsibility it is looking after a kid."
"Yeah mom…" Buffy rolled her eyes, "I'm sure that I'll get plenty of studying done while I'm holding a baby."
"THAT I can help you with…" Joyce said, smiling as she rose and went upstairs to rummage for something, returning a while later with an unknown item.
"What is it?" Buffy wrinkled her nose, it smelled musty.
"Its your old baby carrier!" Joyce smiled, her face lighting up for the first time since she had gotten home, "I used to carry you around in it."
"Gee thanks mom…" Buffy was about to make the wittiest response of the evening but she was interrupted by the baby doll starting to wail from where she had left it laying on the sofa.
"Your little darling calls!" Joyces eyes sparkled a little maliciously as she helped herself to more potatoes.
###
Buffy headed out a little after dark, stake shoved under her jacket and baby strapped to her back. She was sure that she looked stupid as she headed out on patrol, dusted two vamps who jumped out and attacked her as a team, and headed home.
She felt that weird feeling of being watched that she had been feeling for the last week, but since unusual nothing happened (yet again) she just went home and told her mom that her study date had finished early because Willow had been busy with her own homework.
She totally missed the figure stepping out of the dark as she left, lighting a cigarette and inhaling gratefully (only a bloody fool thought you could hide from non smokers while puffing on a fag…) and hefted his new toy grateful for his inhuman strength. Who'd have thought one day they would have moving picture cameras…ones that you could actually carry about with you? With Sound even, age of bloody marvels, that's what it was.
When he'd started out his unlife Spike had very deliberately put away all his poofy ideas about wonders of progress and technology but here it was, still getting better and helping him prepare to off the Slayer. He'd already learnt plenty of stuff watching her fights, he even kind of liked watching just for the entertainment value….yeah…EduTainment,that's what it was. It was almost as good as actually fighting, ALMOST being the operative word. Maybe one day he would strap the camera to someone before he sent them to die…bah…he laughed ruefully at himself and put the thought away. A camcorder small enough to wear….now THAT was never gonna happen.
###
"What are you doing, my love?" Drusilla trailed her arms languidly around his shoulders and slide up against him, pressing herself like a cat seeking warmth….though, the analogy fell down a little in that he wasn't actually warm, and would probably have eaten a cat.
"Learning, my precious…" Uhh oh, he tried to focus on the screens he'd had mounted at various angles so he could study the slayers latest fight….nope, Dru'd done it- all the blood had rushed out of his brain…how was a man supposed to concentrate when he was like that?
"Dru, my precious, I really need to concentrate on this." her hand snaked around his back, encircling his waist as a sly smile spread across her lips. Her other hand traced lightly over his belly.
"But Spike…My Spike, wouldn't you rather concentrate on me?" her eyes sparkled in a way that they rarely did since she'd been hurt. He loved it.
"I AM, my treasure…I need to find a way…oh…Drusilla that's not fair…" His eyes slid shut involuntarily, Ok…that was probably the end of Slayer watching, for tonight anyway, no sense in trying to resist her…wasn't it his duty to take care of ALL her needs? He turned, slipping his strong arms around her and lifting her slightly as he crushed her against himself.
"Oh Dru…you drive me…your so….so…so…WHAT?" he grunted with frustration as he felt her body change, losing its adhesion to his own. Opening his eyes he found her focused upon the image on the screen.
"I WANT it…." She whined suddenly, her arms sliding off of the now forgotten Spike as she stepped closer to the screen where the dumb blond was staking the new fledged vampire he'd sent that night.
"What?" He put his arms around her shoulder and stepped up behind her, trying to hold her stiff body close, "The Slayer?" He was confused, "Any particular part of her?"
"I WANT IT…" she whined more insistently, pointing, "I want HER!" she pointed at the Slayer, confusing Spike for a moment before he realized that she meant the lump tied to the Slayers back, which was making an annoying bawling sound.
"The Doll?" He asked, now that he thought about it THAT had been a bit rum, having a Crying Susie doll, but honestly, who knew what women might take it into their heads to wear? Some of the things Dru had decided to decorate herself with over the years…
"She will make an excellent companion for Miss Edith!" Dru turned, looking beseechingly into his eyes, her face softening into that of a demanding child.
"Get her for me! Spike, Get her for me…Please…?" her hands slide around his waist, sharp nails digging into the base of his spine, almost, but not quite, drawing blood.
Women…Spike hissed the affirmative.
###
Spike watched the Slayer as she stepped outside the house, standing on the back porch with her arms folded as she looked up at the stars… goodness, did she look grumpy. He frowned, wondering what SHE had to worry about…probably just selfish, yeah, that was probably it, just anxious because she'd broken a nail or something. Not like she had any responsibilities, like HE did…no, selfish. Only thinking about herself…
He saw that she had the doll, tangled up in its carrier and dumped on the ground and Spike smiled thinly to himself as it began to wail and the Slayer blew an angry sound and sat down, pulling the doll out and holding it in her arms and forcefully shoving the bottle into its plastic mouth. Once it had quieted he watched her sigh loudly, shaking her head and laying the thing very gently on the ground.
Shocking, he sneered, no way to treat a baby... time for him to come to the rescue of the poor thing… slipping back into the cover of the bushes he moved around the house, ignoring the neighbor, two doors down, dog which began to bark and howl as he passed through the adjoining yard. One day he was going to deal with that beast…but tonight he had bigger fish.
He jumped the fence and studied the front of the house, seeing the Slayers Mom in the living room watching TV he again smiled, rather nastily, as he slipped the small, newspaper wrapped, package from his duster pocket, hefting it and tossing it hard through the window.
Spike was already moving when Mommy Dearest's high pitched scream reached his ears… then a second later the package must have burst because she screamed again, but by then he was already jumping the neighbors fence into the Slayers back garden.
The dumb blond was heading through the door, giving him a nice view of the butt he was soon going to kick and he was already sprinting up to the porch, snatching the bundle which gave a huge wail as he spun and sprinted for the back fence, vaulting it one handed and laughing loudly as he sped off.
###
"MOM!?" Buffy burst into living the room and skidded to a halt, taking in the scene.
"What kind of person would DO something like that?!" Joyce demanded in a shaky voice as she pointed to the package, which had burst open and spilled out a pile of…of….Buffy looked closer, frowning. She crouched beside the package, staring intently.
"Wieners…" She declared, "Hot dog wieners…in tomato sauce?" With glued on plastic finger nails.
"Who would do something like that?" Demanded her mom, somewhat less shakily then the first time.
"Who…Who…?" Buffys eyes widened and she took to her heals, skidding out the back door and looking around. The doll was gone! Angrily she bared her teeth in a feral snarl, cocking her head and listening.
###
Damn…this thing was LOUD. Spike didn't know how to take the batteries out and shut it up so he just ran harder.
"SPIKE!" Uh ho, he glanced over his shoulder and saw the Slayer a block and a half away, her feet pounding rhythmically on the hard top. He considered just turning and fighting her here, but she looked pissed and he still didn't have that edge that he wanted over her. He decided it was OK to be a little bit scared…It wasn't like he was just fighting for himself, no, if he fell who would take care of Dru?
Spike sprinted around the corner, vaulting a fence and running through two back yards and out onto another street. The damn doll was still wailing so he adjusted his grip so that his running motion provided a kind of ad hoc rocking. He'd seen these stupid things on a PBS show…feed me, rock me, change me... sadly they hadn't talked about an OFF switch. The adjustment was working and the Doll settled into a contented sleep, making him smile. YES! He was going to get away with this…just then the Slayer burst out of the low hedge two houses down, fixing him with a deadly stare.
"Give me the baby." She said coldly.
"Your not a good parent!" Spike countered, skidding to a halt but staying on the balls of his feet as his mind raced to find an escape, "Anyways…its kind of hard to be intimidating when your done up like a topiary…"
She glanced up, hand following her eyes as she pulled a chunk of bush out of her hair which was all the distraction he needed to take off in the opposite direction.
He made two turns on the street, ducking into some bushes and looking around to see where he was… he decided it had been a mistake to park the car so far away…especially since he now had no idea where he was. He thought he had lost the dumb blond though, she would have no idea which street he'd turned down, all he had to do was stay here until she…there was an electric buzz from the doll which began to wail a half second later.
"Oh…" Spike took off running, "Bugger."
This time rocking didn't quiet the thing, and he desperately racked his brain…feed it? What was that he remembered? Oh yes…the thing had sensors in its mouth for the stupid bottle thing you pretended to feed it with...but he didn't HAVE a bottle.
"SPIKE!" Oh goodness…he felt an actual shiver of fear at the sound of her voice…he HAD to get the stupid thing shut up NOW.
###
Buffy growled angrily as she ran towards the sound of crying…three days of sleep deprivation and frustration at last finding an acceptable outlet. Not sleeping made Buffy mad…very mad and she intended to put every ounce of that mad into Spikes heart when she caught him.
Stopping she dropped into a crouch, listening with superhuman intensity for the sound of her prey… jumping up into a run she headed down the street on the left, pausing suddenly as the sound abruptly stopped. She padded softly along, listening…he had been close, she looked up and down the darkened street.
A row of houses each side, bushes, hedges, places to hide but no sign of Spike. The doll was close to feeding time…ugh…every three hours the thing woke her up. She was getting crows feet, she was sure of it…she waited, hoping the baby would wail again.
Nothing…she spat with frustration, looking up and down the darkened street…he'd gotten away. Turning back the way she had come, disgusted with the whole situation Buffy suddenly stopped, freezing for half a second then spinning as her nostrils flared.
"I smell you!" She growled, pointing to the bushes four houses down and a moment later
Spike stepped out, clasping the doll under one arm like a giant Teddy Bear.
Disgust filled her face when she saw what he had done, "You gave it a cigarette?"
"Had to shut it up, dint I?" He explained, shrugging, "See…I know theres a sensor in its mouth."
"You didn't have to LIGHT it!" She exclaimed.
"Oh…" He looked a little embarrassed, "Dint think of that…uhh, habit I suppose…to, you know…light it." He moved between saying the words Light and It, crossing the distance between them and planting a punch square where her chin had been. Unluckily for him her head had moved and she was already kicking him hard in the gut.
"Offhhh." He grunted, fending off the next kick and taking a power slap at the side of her head.
"Ughhh!" She half blocked the blow, receiving only a stunning headache rather then a knock out or broken neck. They danced around each other for a while, neither really wanting to get too close.
"Give me the DOLL!" Buffy grunted, raining a flurry of punches on him.
"Cant do that blondie…" He landed a straight left on her shoulder that turned her a little, giving him the opportunity to swing a heavy right that she narrowly avoided, replying with a powerful kick that hit the doll he still held and sent it flying up into the air.
For a moment they both stood open mouthed, watching it fly up and then begin its seemingly slow motion descent towards the road surface.
It landed with a sickening crunch, its head flying off with an electric screech and for a moment it buzzed loudly. Then it lay, silent and still while they both gaped.
"You…" Spike pointed accusingly at her, "You BROKE it!"
"Me?" Buffy Spluttered angrily, gripping her stake, "YOUR the one who stole it!"
"Stole!" he growled, "Stole! Stole! YOU'RE THE one what BROKE the bloody thing!" He threw up his arms in frustration, shaking his head in disgust and jogging off to safety while she went a moment later to collect the doll.
###
Buffy kept her plastic smile on all the time she was in Snyders office.
Nothing could go wrong, she told herself, nothing at all...Willow had re-written the hard drive inside the stupid doll. She and Willow had painted the scratches and dents out of the head with cover-up and sewn the head back on almost perfectly...Snyder glanced at the doll while it lay on his desk, looking at the form she had signed and tut tuting at her handwriting and nodding at the growing pile in the corner, waving a finger for her to place the doll there.
As she walked out of the office Buffy let a triumphant grin spread over her face, careful not to turn as she pulled the door shut behind her and skipped happily off to class.
In his office Principle Snyder went back to reviewing the detention list for the week...wondering where he could make up the numbers he began to mentally list disruptive and obnoxious students to fill the hall. Suddenly he paused, looking up and around the room, sniffing as a frown crossed is forehead. He shrugged, looking back at the list.
Odd...he thought to himself, Could have sworn I smell someone smoking...