DISCLIAMER: I do not own the Slayers or any of the lyrics used below...
As I suspected I ended up working late tonight.
And on Friday the 13th too, for shame!
Well, as planed here is the new XelFi work that was promised.
I'll have a cover-pic up for it on my homepage by Wednesday, until then...
Please enjoy.
- Nicci
Behind Blue Eyes: Lyrics by: The Who: A oneshot songfiction in which Xelloss and Filia are forced to ask permission of their peers, each other, and even themselves for their will to be heeded...
No one knows what it's like…
If you asked her, Filia couldn't be quite certain when it had begun. Perhaps it had begun as early as when she'd first heard his words, words she had never expected to hear.
It wasn't really the depth of them, or even that smirking delivery that went with each cutting line from back then. No. The reason his words affected her so was there was a truth in them she dreamed of as a child, but had been led to believe by tradition and conditioning was false.
That was how he had managed to grow on her, to change her, even back then.
Was it any surprise then that whenever he'd show back up that she let him stay?
Still, how had it come to this?
To be the bad man…
To be the sad man…
How had she, once so pure, still in some ways so very innocent, come to find that the company she now desired most in the world was his?
Just what did that say about her?
Filia dare not think on it too long. She knew this was madness, but somehow along the way the mere thought of living life without him was madness.
So tragic this fate that they both seemed drawn silently into, trapped in a web of beauty and horror.
A web of secrets, so far even kept from each other.
Behind blue eyes…
"Filia Ul Copt." The Supreme Elder of the Earth Dragons and the leader of the Dragon Council declared from up high above the panel of nine she stood before. "You come to present your case alone?"
No one knows what its like…
"Hai, Supreme Elder." She replied calmly. She watched them whisper, even the silent ones giving slight frowns of disapproval.
She was certain they were thinking that it was he that had abandoned her to be alone like this. She was certain the thought would never even cross their minds that it was she that had made the decision to brave this council alone.
Xelloss had never had any control over her decisions in the past, nothing change that now.
She did as she pleased, a concept she was certain they would never understand.
No, it was better for them to sit there with their judgments and traditionalist views of a world long since dead.
And to think, nothing have even happened between them yet.
Just what would they think if Xelloss ever chose to cross that line.
Just what would they think if she decided to let him?
To be hated…
To be fated…
"And so you say then, that you understand what he is, but you simply do not care?" A representative from the Wind Dragons asked incredulously.
"I know what he is." Filia replied coolly. "If he wasn't I doubt he would have ended up being so important to me."
"And you know then, that you may never possess him, even if he possesses you?" Another Earth Dragon cut into the rage of whispers, holding her gaze almost pityingly "He belongs to them, and currently you are beyond nothing too them."
Filia swallowed. "I know. I cannot change that and quite honestly I dare not try and make him choose, less I loose what little time with him I possess."
"Answer this honestly, Filia Ul Copt." The Supreme Elder asked calmly, stroking his beard intently. "Are you so far gone into this twisted affair that you cannot live with out him?"
"Yes!" Another spoke up furiously. "Are you saying that there is no one else! No one else at all you could find!"
Filia bit back a laugh at the ridiculousness of such a thought.
Who? Who in all the four worlds was greater than Xelloss? Who in all the worlds could be what Xelloss was to her?
Who, in all the worlds would let her be what she was to Xelloss?
Who would let her be herself?
Even this council of her own kind couldn't handle that.
So, she would have no choice but to hold back a little.
To telling only lies…
Filia sighed tiredly shutting the door behind her and blindly made her way to the living room; slumping down into the couch. Jilias and Gravos had taken the egg and gone to stay at a fox woman's home that Jilias had met on his travels back then. She wasn't sure when they'd return, she had given herself a month of leeway, not knowing how long it would take the council to deliberate.
If only it wasn't him, no one would care about her private life.
Of course, he probably somehow still would, and that once again reestablished why it had to be him, didn't it?
"I'm a fool." Filia moaned, closing her eyes and attempting to escape deeper into the couch. "A foolish, and immoral little girl caught up in something I don't fully understand but unwilling to step away from it even when someday the whole world may learn of my transgressions and judge me for it!"
"Do you really care so much what they think?" That oh-so-familiar voice cut into her closed-eyed reverie, and she felt the couch shift beside her as he joined her on it. "I thought by now you'd be beyond caring about the opinions of a nearly amusingly hypocritical society."
"I am, but…" She swallowed softly as he brushed a few strands of hair from her flustered and weary face. "But I can't lie to myself as I do them. This is selfish of both us. But I moreso, I should know better."
"Everyone is selfish, Filia." He muttered tiredly, retracting the hand and making her heart ace despite her misgivings as he too collapsed back into the couch. "Even L'sama herself was selfish to make us, even moreso to design things so wretchedly unfair that we would be damned to fight amongst ourselves for all our lives."
He smirked bitterly. "Most likely just for the entertainment, but can you fault her? It must have been so lonely all those years alone in chaos within herself."
He shook his head. "No. The greatest act of selfishness is to deny yourself, on the thought that it would bring anyone involved in the situation any sort of happiness. Whenever anyone denies themselves for someone else's sake, they only end up resenting them and themselves."
He chuckled softly, arching a finger wanly. "And then most likely end up doing it in the end anyways, but only then with a lot more collateral damage!"
"I could deny you." She whispered softly, holding his gaze. "I could make you leave. I could run away. I could stop this."
"But you'd regret it." He whispered, tilting his head and peering deep within her conflicted gaze. "You know this sort of thing doesn't happen everyday. In fact I doubt it's ever happened before. It's the stuff of myths and legends. Fairytales, Filia. Don't try for one second to tell yourself you could walk away. I doubt L'sama or fate would even let you."
He smirked knowingly, tapping her on the nose. "And even if they did, I wouldn't let you."
It was true, Filia had already had this same debate within herself so many times.
Xelloss nodded, following her thoughts in her eyes calmly.
"The only thing you need concern yourself with in life, Filia." He stated calmly, opening his eyes slowly and holding her gaze intently. "Is what do you want most, that is what life is all about afterall. Otherwise why would you die at the end? Why would even our kind be forced to return to chaos?"
He smirked darkly. "So what do you want, Filia? Before the buzzer sounds and the great game of life is ended?"
Filia swallowed softly, as always unable to avoid the truth in his words.
The answer was simple really.
But my dreams…
They aren't as empty…
As my conscience seems to be…
"I want two things, Xelloss." She whispered softly, shaking her head in tragic bemusement. "To raise up the ones that I love, and you, Xelloss. I want you."
She met his gaze, biting her lip as a single tear slid down her cheek. "However much of yourself can give me. I… I need both these things to survive."
"Our truest desires are always needs, Filia." He murmured softly, brushing away her tear with his gloved thumb. "And you should know that, in a sense, our needs are not so different, you and I."
Xelloss felt the call of his mistress and smiled wanly, dropping his hand.
"Speaking of…" He murmured, summoning up his staff as she shook her head with a knowing smile.
"Go." She waved, gripping her forehead with her other hand. "I'll wait, I always do."
"I will be back." He stated calmly, and she nodded watching his eyes as they tried to read whether or not she was reassured.
She was, afterall, he always did.
I have hours, only lonely…
My love is vengeance…
That's never free…
Somehow, she couldn't help but feel that she deserved this…
Couldn't help but wonder if perhaps for her this was the only way she could ever hope to get what she deserved.
Filia groaned, standing up, unable keep a tired but happy smile off her face as she wandered into the kitchen to put on some tea.
There were worse fates, she supposed.
No one knows what its like…
"Do you actually know what you're doing here, Xelloss?" Dynast asked tiredly.
And Xelloss smirked, giving a wan shrug. "As well as anyone in this situation I suppose."
Dolphin laughed fluidly, twirling a strand of her hair. She hadn't done much more than that this entire time. Xelloss was thankful that she was more bemused then judgmental at his unfortunate treason.
Zelas sighed, shaking her head and lighting up a cigarette. The Greater Beast took a long drag and blew it out slowly, appraising him pensively.
"I'd be lying if I said I approved." She stated calmly. "But I… we… we are here for you, Xelloss. As long as you don't betray us, we could care less who you philander with."
She smirked coyly, giving a little shrug and tapping off her cigarette. "Besides, I kinda get a kick out of her."
"And I get a kick out of seeing you like this, Xelloss." Dynast agreed, with a knowing smirk. "I'm sure it's just killing you to have an addiction like this. So potent, that you know in deep down in your soul that even you couldn't possibly kick it."
"We'll of course have to keep this from your peers." Zelas stated calmly, arching a brow.
"Secrets are what I do best, Mistress." Xelloss replied wanly and she nodded, tapping off her cigarette and shooing him towards the door.
"Give us moment to mock you in private then, dear?" She asked wanly, and the other lords chuckled easily and he gave mild bow.
"Of course." He replied, making a show of using the door.
They really didn't get it, not the heart of it anyway.
Quite honestly, he found himself relieved at that.
To feel these feelings…
Like I do...
Xelloss sighed tiredly, leaning against the wall. He didn't do this, whatever this was. He had never done anything quite like this ever before and yet, somehow it all seemed to come so naturally to him it was as though his entire life had been a mere practice ground for dealing with this chaotic blend of bliss and tragedy named Filia.
She was driving his life mad; and him along with it.
And yet, despite all this, he couldn't help but note that he probably needed this.
Even if that meant that he probably needed her…
Probably always had needed her.
Probably always would.
What a cruel and terrible joke.
And I blame you…
It was hours later when he reappeared in her home. She was just sitting there, staring lost into the fire.
She looked so painfully desirable just sitting there cloaked in her mind, radiating her pain, desire, and rage his way.
The rage was unwelcome but not unexpected.
No one bites back as hard…
On their anger…
"I told you I would be back." He stated calmly. Irritated himself at feeling the need to speak up and soothe her unspoken nerves.
Irritated at her unspoken nerve, at daring to judge him despite knowing just what his life was and how her very existence seemed destined to intrude on it.
None of my pain and woe…
Irritated that he knew deep within she was justified at her silent resentment of him being away, a lack of trust would always hang between them. He was, afterall, a traitor to vows that had stood long before she had come into his world. And yet, he knew too, that she knew that she was special to him in a way that probably no creature from now till his end could ever possibly carve out such a place in his world.
The hole she had made was far too large to be filled by anyone but her; surely she too must know this.
But that too hung silently between them.
Can show through…
"I'll put on some tea." She stated softly, getting up and heading towards the kitchen, just briefly placing a hand on his shoulder.
It was a sign she knew and understood. Things were always like that with them. Signs and nudges of gentle persuasion or abrasion, never normal affections or attentions.
They didn't need them.
Not yet anyway.
But my dreams...
They aren't as empty...
As my conscience seems to be...
He watched her pour the water, strands of her hair would fall gently beyond her ears, brushing her cheeks and lips.
He envied that hair. He wanted to brush her so gently, he could imagine the way she would tremble beneath his fingertips.
Such a forbidden fantasy that he could not stop himself from entertaining, but then…
No one made tea quite like Filia.
That was because no one was quite like Filia at all.
He wanted her, judgments and treasons be damned.
He needed her.
And he couldn't be quite certain that would ever stop; such a fighting and fascinating truth to be faced with.
I have hours, only lonely…
My love is vengeance…
That's never free…
Of course…
Somehow he couldn't help but feel he deserved this.
And he was certain that so did she.
When my fist clenches, crack it open…
"I hate how much I miss you when you're gone." She whispered, seemingly unwilling to tear her eyes from the dancing flames beneath the kettle as he took a seat. "I used to be whole."
Before I use it and lose my cool…
"No one is ever whole." Xelloss muttered, rubbing his temple tiredly. "You least of all, you were merely self absorbed enough to distract yourself."
When I smile, tell me some bad news…
"And I suppose that the same couldn't help but go for you as well." She muttered, abandoning both him and the kettle as she marched out of the kitchen.
Before I laugh and act like a fool…
"I suppose you could." He replied softly to himself as he heard the house door slam behind her.
With a tired sigh he phased out to find her.
If I swallow anything evil…
The moon was nearly full and large on the horizon. A light spring rain wept from the heavens to green grass below. Atop the hill, beneath the tree stood Filia, and it was only natural.
This was just the way things were with them. Each one taking things to the next step of perfection, as though they weren't real at all but merely characters in some quaint bard's tale.
But they were real, and that was why the sky wasn't the only thing weeping this night.
"You…" Filia whispered, not daring to turn as she felt him approach. "You come here and act so humane! Do you really think I can ever fully believe a single word you ever say no matter how I want too?!"
"I would think by now that you would know that with you, it's not an act." Xelloss replied simply. "That with you, the reason I keep coming back here is because you're the only person in all of creation that I can spend moments like this with."
"Ha!" Filia cried, whirling around on him, her tears glistening with bitter rage. "Now I know you're lying! You have plenty of others just like you, surely you can be yourself with them! And they'd probably get a kick out of the rest of it!
Put your finger down my throat…
"Oh yes, I'm like them,." He muttered, advancing on her darkly. "And yet you and I both know I'm nothing like them otherwise we wouldn't here in this mess, would we Filia?
"No." She whispered softly, her eyes unable to keep herself from dinking in every outline of his worn face. "We wouldn't."
If I shiver, please give me a blanket…
Silence fell between them and they stood like that for moments that neither seemed to notice pass. Their eyes locked into each other as the rain fell gently; in time soaking Filia to the bone as it delicately danced around Xelloss, hitting the ground in an almost ethereal mist.
He was so much greater than her. She'd always been in awe of him, and yet determined to never let him know how insignificant he made her feel. In the beginning anyway, later she had realized she'd stop at nothing to make herself worthy of his attentions.
And yet, she still couldn't help but feel woefully inadequate.
"But… why, Xelloss?" She whispered.
Xelloss smirked, tilting his head mildly. "It's amazing really, that even now you still need more."
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat…
Filia swallowed softly as he pulled her into him, wrapping her up in his cloak. She craved this too now, these delicate little touches. She craved the rough ones too. Couldn't help herself, she craved all of him now.
Xelloss tilted her chin up so that she could meet his almost pained gaze. "And perhaps even more amazing is somehow I can't help but want to give it to you."
"Xelloss…" Filia began, and he slicened her calmly with a simple brush of his thumb on her lips. This simple gesture sending shivers thought-out her being.
"Because, Filia." He replied calmly, holding her awed gaze with his knowing one. "Even after all this time I still remember every second of our first encounter, and I know beyond a doubt that I have never had, nor will ever have one quite like it.
He smirked, lifting her chin gently and peering deep into her wide, longing eyes.
"And I really wouldn't want too."
No one knows what its like…
"It's not easy." Filia whispered, unable to hold back the tremble in her lip as a few tears fell free from her pleading eyes.
"No." Xelloss stated simply, holding her chin firm. "It isn't."
And with such a painful truth, after such a long awaited deliberation, they shared their first kiss as her tears slipped away into the rain.
To be the bad man…
"Filia I…" Xelloss broke away. Knowing that he needed to say more on this; knowing fully well that this was not really over.
That it hadn't even really begun.
To be the sad man…
Filia placed a hand on his cheek, gently tracing his lips with her tumb in the same gentle silence gesture he had just used on her.
"I know…" She whispered, a small sad smile in place. "I know."
And he could see there in her eyes that finally she truly did, he could see everything in those azure depths. Every secret he had exposed was reflected painfully back at him in tragic summation.
His secrets were now her secrets…
Now their secrets…
Behind blue eyes…
If you know what you truly want, don't let anyone tell you that you can't have it.
See ya Wednesday. (n.n)