We're Not Lumber!
By: Gypsy Tollamer
Gypsy: I'm sorry! Being a theatre major who constantly works with lumber I couldn't help but write this! I also added my pals as part of the cast. Meet Pegs, Akurei and Bee!
Gypsy Tollamer walked into her garage which was being converted slowly into a scene shop for all future fics. Sure it had pretty easy making the beautiful set. It was set in an institution all you needed was white panels! Recently she and her pals had made this lovely set that was supposed to look like the Moulin Rouge and it had been a bitch to make.
Gypsy turned on the lights and about 3 hours the rest of her crew showed up. About 2 hours late for their shifts.
"Thanks a lot guys!" she yelled pushing her silvery blonde locks out of her eyes. "You're supposed to be my muses and you don't show up? This is so pathetic!"
"Sorry Gyps!" Bee said in her perky british accent. "We saw a Starbucks and had to make a side stop! The good thing is we brought you a latte!"
Gypsy held the precious coffee to her chest before chugging it down.
"Akurei you're going to be helping with painting! I've got to work on "Rebellion" and I have now sets that would past for a during WWII Berlin!" she said.
"Since when did you become the demanding one?" she asked in a bitter tone.
"Just shut up and hand me the lumber pieces on this paper." She said handing the list to Pegs who looked at it and smiled as she watched Gypsy go into the tools closet.
"What?" Bee asked. "Why are you looking like that?"
"Gyps is such a hentai." Pegs giggled.
"No way." Akurei said snatching the paper and reading it before giggling like a school girl in sex ed.
"Give it to me!" Bee said jumping up and down before snatching the paper.
She read it.
Akurei, Pegs, and Bee,
Obtain:
2x4
1x5
3x4
6x13
and a
5x3x4 triangle
-Gypsy
Bee began to giggled and jumped up and down.
"So we have to go G-Boy hunting again?" she asked.
"No need." Pegs said. "I was watching infomercials at about 3 am when I saw these instant G-boy retrieval device. You just clap your hands and the selected G-boy will appear. You clap twice to make them go away."
"So it's like a super charged clapper?" Akurei asked. "does it work?"
Pegs nodded and held up a pair of velvet lined handcuffs.
"And it came with these as a free gift!" she said.
"Alright! Let's go grab the bean bags chairs and some popcorn before this lemon fest begins, eh?"
The three girls gave each other inspiring high fives before leaving. Gypsy came in as the girls were running off with the list.
"Glad to see they're working hard. I'm gonna go get the paint we need." She said picking up the keys to her moped and trusty helmet before leaving the shop.
"I hope this works." Akurei said.
"Wait didn't Gypsy say this was the list of lumber cuts?" Bee asked.
"Most hentai things are inuendos.. see this fic must be about carpenters and by lumber she meant hard long pieces of….." Pegs said before blushing and bursting into giggles.
"Pieces of what?" Bee asked. Akruei grabbed her by the hair and whispered in her air.
"Oh." Bee said giggling. Akurei hooked up the machine and hit the switches to turn it on.
"Let's see, we're gonna need G-boys: 1,2,3,4,5,6, and 13" she said hitting the buttons.
Pegs then clapped her hands together and low and behold there appeared all 7 of them.
"Alright!" Bee yelled from her seat in a bright orange bean bag chair.
"oh no, not them!" Duo yelled clinging to Heero. "Go ahead Shoot em!"
"The bad thing is I vowed never to kill again." Heero said. "Now I wish I hadn't."
Akurei slipped on her directors beret. Okay technically it was Gypsy's but whatever!
"Okay Duo, Quatre. We're gonna get some lemon squeeze going on! Duo on top, Quatre on bottom. Throw him on the table and go at it!" she said.
"What?" Quatre asked.
"No way!" Duo yelled. "No offense Quatre but I wouldn't fuck you like ever!"
"None taken anyway Trowa would kill you." He said hiding behind the tall boy.
"They're not willing to help us out?" Bee asked.
"Gypsy is gonna kill us unless we get some work done. Remember she chased Rinoa with the rubber mallet when she started goofing off." Pegs said.
"Please Duo-kins??" Bee asked tearing up her large blue eyes.
"I guess we'll just move onto the next one." Akurei said. "I mean she didn't say it had to happen in this order. So I need Heero and Wufei. I need you to boink like minks."
"Shit." Wufei said.
"Ditto." Heero said.
"Wait a second." Duo said. "Who's seme?"
"Heero." The three girls said in unison.
The g-boys started giggling, except for Wufei who was ranting and raving screaming out bad words that only my readers in china would understand.
"Wu-bears Uke!" Duo sang before having Wufei set his brain in front of the table saw.
"No!" Duo yelped not the braid. Wufei then poured some carpenters glue on top of it.
"No! Not the braid!" All three girls chorused before beating the crap out of Wufei.
Akurei dusted off her hands. "NEXT!"
"But the next ones Treize and Zechs? I hate that paring." Bee said. "It so weird."
"Yeah, I know. I mean Treize is the commanding officer why wouldn't he be seme?" Pegs asked.
"Hey is this a fic? Or a Yaoi discussion group?" Akurei asked. "Lets move on this is a triangle."
The boys gulped.
"Wufei, Trowa and Quatre…." Bee said before busting into giggles. "Oh yum this is gonna be good."
"No!" Wufei said "I'm not going to have sex with those two dishonorable……. Fairies!"
"Oh no you didn't." Trowa said. "You did not call me a fucking fairy."
"Bring it on you powder puff!" Wufei said before Trowa tackled hi and proceeded to beat the crap out of them. They were rolling around pulling each other's hair and proceeding to bitch slap each other.
"Hey this is kinda kinky." Akurei said.
Just then Gypsy pulled up on her moped.
"What the hell is going on here?" she yelled.
"Um we're doing what you said but they won't cooperate." Pegs said getting out of her bean bag chair.
"What do you mean?" Gypsy asked. 'Didn't you read the letter? I wanted lumber and instead you get me a g-boy orgy?"
"But you wrote you wanted a '2x4'" bee said.
"A 2 by four! You morons! I wanted lumber cuts! 2 by four inches." She said turning red.
"Oh." The three said.
"So you don't want the g-boy orgy?" Akurei asked while grabbing a chisel to remove Duo's braid from the table saw.
"I didn't say that. I want a good ol Trowa and Quatre boink fest." She said hopping into her directors chair. "Now make sure you cover each other in mineral oil." She threw a bottle at them.
Suddenly Chibbi pulled up in her car.
"Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!" she yelled coming in with a paper. "You can't do that anymore."
"What?" Everybody asked.
"Well Fanfiction.net banned all NC17s. No more g-boy sex." She said sadly.
Everyone including the g-boys screamed to the heavens and Quatre looked like he was about to cry.
"This sucks." Duo yelled. "No more yummy Hee-chan."
"Well just know this Fanfiction.net. WE will not go quietly into the night! We will fight this!" Gypsy yelled. "WE have a right to write and read what we please!"
"Dam straight." Duo yelled.
END