TITLE: Don't Think Twice (companion piece to 'Leave')
AUTHOR: Jennifoofighter
RATING: PG
KEYWORDS: MS, Martin Angst
SPOILERS/TIMELINE: Post 'The Bogie Man'
DISCLAIMER: Hank and Co. own everything Without a Trace. No copyright infringement is intended ...yada, yada, yada.
SPECIAL NOTE: This was an experiment for many reasons. I was trying to get into Martin and Sam's heads as a writing exercise for another fic and I wanted to try and write a one shot fic. It kinda worked; you don't have to read the companion piece. However, both are evidence that I am incapable of writing something really short.
SUMMARY: Martin decides to drown his sorrows. A song fic based on Bob Dylan's "Don't Think Twice. It's All Right"
XoXoXoX
Martin wandered into Frank's Bar. It was a local neighborhood dive where you could have an anonymous drink and that is precisely what he wanted tonight; to have a drink in a dark bar so he could sit alone and think his dark thoughts. It was official: he and Sam were over. Although, if he were honest with himself the truth was they had been over for awhile. He was just the first one to have the courage to say the words out loud.
He sat down on the wooden bar stool and propped his arms on the brass railing. The burly tattooed bartender behind the counter eyed him and asked, "What'll you have?"
"Double scotch on the rocks," he replied.
As the bartender got to work on his drink he glanced around and spotted the jukebox in the corner. He stood up and pulled some quarters out of his pocket. Music was what he wanted to hear right now. He perused the titles when he came upon a song he hadn't heard in years. Hippie music is what his dad called it; making the rebellious teenager inside of him like it even more. However, his father had nothing to do with the reason he knew it was just the song he needed to hear right now.
He dropped the quarters into the slot and selected B-4.
The achingly bluesy tone of Bob's guitar slowly started strumming. He stood in front of the jukebox for a beat before turning to head back to the bar. His drink was waiting for him on a square white napkin, a look of civility that seemed out of place for a bar like Frank's. He lifted up the thick, heavy glass and took a long drink, finding comfort in the smooth burn of the liquid sliding down his throat.
XoX
Well it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
If even you don't know by now
An' it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It'll never do somehow
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window and I'll be gone
You're the reason I'm travelin' on
But don't think twice, it's all right
XoX
He put down the glass and stared ahead at the rows of liquor bottles behind the counter but the only thing he could see was Sam's face; the look of hurt, surprise and confusion as he told her that they were done; he was done. It caught him off guard that she seemed shocked by his statement. She was in the relationship, too. It wasn't a surprising revelation that he was not happy and judging by her behavior neither was she. All he wanted was to be close to her but it seemed all she wanted to do was push him away. Maybe it was the fact that she seemed so surprised that made him realize that he had made the right decision.
He knew going in that a relationship with Sam wasn't going to be easy. On more than one occasion she had told him that she liked her relationships "nice and complicated," that she didn't want the white picket happily ever after life, and on top of it all there was the very complicated relationship she had with Jack. But he wanted her so badly that he pushed all of those fears aside and took a chance. At least he could find comfort in knowing that he tried but it just wasn't meant to be.
XoX
It ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe But I wish there was something you would do or say
The light I never knowed
An' it ain't no use in turning on your light, babe
I'm on the dark side of the road
To try and make me change my mind and stay
But we never did too much talking anyway
But don't think twice, it's all right
XoX
Her words were still ringing in his head, "You wanted me to fight harder didn't you?"
He had meant what he said: It shouldn't have to be a fight. While he knew that fighting was a part of any relationship, couples fight over money, where to live, whose friends to hang out with, or even which TV program to watch; but you shouldn't have to fight about wanting to be together. To make matters worse, when he thought that he could avoid a fight by giving her some space and not pressure her about being a couple she would get angry about that too. She would find any excuse to lash out at him. He couldn't understand why she had to battle him on everything; going out in public, telling their friends, or even when it was the right time to fight. For someone who insisted on hiding their relationship she was the one who constantly initiated fights in at the office – for everyone to see. He had to admit that was partly why he broke up with her at the office. To see if that she thought they were worth fighting over. But she didn't.
Selfish and inconsiderate; that's what she called him when he used Viv's computer after his own locked up. She had found yet another arbitrary reason to start a fight. He couldn't believe she accused him of not caring about Viv. He had tried talking to her about his concerns for Viv on several occasions but each time she just brushed him off. It hurt him to know that she had been the one to know about Viv's condition long before anyone else. She had known and she didn't think she could confide in him or at the very least, listen to him when he approached her about his own fears. And she honestly expected him to reach out to her?
It killed him to know that every time he thought they had a chance to get closer she actually moved further away. They used to talk all the time. She was the one he could turn to when he was upset or confused. She used to also be the only one who he could argue with and know that she didn't think less of him for speaking his mind. That was the Sam he fell for, and he couldn't have missed his relationship with that Sam more if she had died.
There was just no winning with the Sam she was now so he decided to just through in the towel while he could still get out alive.
XoX
I'm a-thinking and a-wondering walking down the road
So it ain't no use in calling out my name, gal
Like you've never done before
And it ain't no use in calling out my name, gal
I can't hear anymore
I once loved a woman, a child I am told
I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
But don't think twice, it's all right
XoX
She was the one who called him back; she was the one who made the first move. That fateful night he was ready to hail a cab and head home like a good little boy but she called his name and invited him home. Sure, he flirted and attempted to make his feelings known to her but he was willing to wait, to give her some time. And that night he thought she was ready. At least that is what he wanted to believe.
Now, looking back maybe there was a part of him that knew that her invitation stemmed from Jack's leaving and a near death experience but wanted her so much he risked it. And at first it was good, it was fun and everyday he could feel it evolving into something more. But then as more time passed and he wanted to move their relationship forward she seemed to become more withdrawn and became more insistent on hiding what they shared. She would argue that she had to hide it to protect her reputation. She claimed that she didn't want to be the office slut. He couldn't seem to convince her that if they were to go public, to show everyone that what they had was honest and real that any possible gossip would go away but she refused to listen.
He didn't know what to do or what he could give her to convince her to have some faith in him, in them. She had his heart and he would have given her his soul if he thought she'd take it. But lately it seemed the only she think she had any interest in was his body but lately he found his own interest in hers was fading fast. He wanted more and she refused to give it.
XoX
So long honey babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
Goodbye's too good a word, babe
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't saying you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right
XoX
He finished his drink and tossed a few bills next to his empty glass. The bartender nodded his head at him as he passed and said goodnight. He exited the bar and stood on the curb to hail a cab to take him home – alone.
The next night he lounged against the back wall of the elevator on his way back to the office to finish his report. He had just dropped off Danny and Rafi off on what proved to be a long exhausting day. He was staring at his feet, his eyes droopy and weary when the doors slid open. He started out when he bumped into someone. He looked up and found Sam's eyes on him.
She stepped aside so he could get out and said, "Sorry, I was just trying to leave."
He exited and she quickly brushed past him into the elevator. He stopped and turned to look at her. As the doors started to close he met her eyes and said, "Don't think twice. It's alright."