Guess which Spike line from the show triggered this...Ebi, you're out. But thanks for the beta job! 3
Buffy woke up when it was still dark outside – and she could tell that Spike was awake even before she turned in his arms. He let go of her and stood, slowly, methodically putting his clothes back on. She got up as well. Some of the candles they had lit were still burning, and the soft yellow light was enough for her to notice the set of his shoulders, the little twitch of that muscle in his jaw, the way his eyes turned hard.
"Please don't do that, Spike", she said, running her fingertips along his temple, and for a moment it looked like he would move into the touch. But he didn't.
"Do what?"
"Leave."
The pain in his eyes told her it was probably the right thing to do. For him. But she needed it said, needed it out, needed to talk about it. Look at it.
Drag it into the light, kicking and screaming. Hurt him some more. God she was a monster.
She turned her back to him because otherwise she wouldn't have been able to keep the tears in check. She wasn't even sure what the tears were about. Were they regret, guilt, sympathy? Or were they longing?
She had to ask.
"Why didn't you come to me? Call? Tell me you'd survived?"
She didn't expect him to answer, so when he did she almost jumped.
"That would've made me a slave again."
Buffy turned around, her eyes wide. She was trying to find something to say and came up empty. Spike gave her a small smile, sad, knowing, accepting.
"I've never been anything but your slave."
Buffy finally found her voice, and she said the only thing she could say. The one thing she should have said long ago. She'd said it before, but she felt like she should be saying it a thousand times.
"I'm so, so sorry I treated you like that."
He shook his head.
"No, that's not what I meant. I'm not after an apology. I'm just stating a fact. The Earth is round. I'm your slave. Long before you even touched me. Maybe from the first time I watched you dance at the Bronze. Dru knew, I didn't. But it's true, I'm yours. Whether you want me or not doesn't change anything about that. Whether I want it doesn't either. I just am."
"And you didn't want that anymore, so you stayed away."
"I still want it. I longed for you. I just couldn't bear living it, day by day, at your beck and call. You'd snap your fingers, I'd drop to my knees. I love you, and I want you, and I'd do anything. Whatever you need. Whatever you want. And that's why I couldn't come to you. You would have consumed me if you'd said yes. You'd have broken me if you'd said no. "
"There was a time when you wanted to be consumed."
"And look where that led me. What I'd almost done to you."
Buffy didn't have an answer to that. She was very tired all of a sudden.
"Spike", she whispered. "What do I do with you?"
"Just let me go. Set me free."
And just like that, without waiting for affirmation, he was gone.
Buffy curled up on the floor, the memory of his arms around her still fresh, that question on repeat in her mind. What do I do with him.
It took her almost an hour to realize her stake was missing.