"Eek!" A voice shouted, "There's a pervert!"

Ranma started awake from his nap, "Wuh-what? A pervert!?" He got up with a running start, dashing towards the source of the voice.

"Get him off of me!" The voice shouted again.

"Damn, it's gotta be Happosai!" Ranma practically muttered as he ran faster towards the source, which, in hindsight sounded like it had come from Akane's room.

"DAMNIT, WHERE IN THE HELL AM I NOW?!" What could only be Ryouga's voice echoed through the household, and, as Ranma rounded the corner, saw Ryouga trying to open the door to Akane's room. Key word was 'tried'.

Upon seeing Ranma though, he roared, "I don't have time to blame you today, Saotome, open this door!" He tugged at the knob a little harder.

Effectively shoving the Lost Boy out of the way, Ranma just turned the knob and pushed the door open, "Ryouga, you moron, this is a push," was all he said to the one nicknamed 'Pig Boy', before closing the door again for no apparent reason.

Just as the two martial artists were about to burst into the room, they suddenly heard a rather inarticulate roar, and turned to see Akane with her Mallet charging towards them.

"WHERE IS THAT PERVERT!?" The two were not able to answer as Akane practically tackled the both them, splintering the door as all three burst into the room.

As caught unawares as they were, they were still ready for any surprise attacks, or even grope, for the case of one and a half females in the room, that may come.

Looking around from his spot splattered on the floor, though, Ranma remarked, "AAAAAHey, I don't see a pervert here."

Akane, coming to the same conclusion, and after noticing that her underwear drawer seemed untouched, also calmed somewhat, "AAAAAAalright then."

Ryouga just coughed into his hand, a mild blush on his cheeks due to being in Akane's room, regardless that he had been there numerous times when he had snuck in as P-chan.

The three stood around awkwardly, until…

"Ahem." All three turned to the source of the voice, only to see Nabiki standing by the ruins of the door, carrying, with some effort, what looked to be the (rather shapely) backside of Ukyo over her shoulder.

"Gentlemen…Akane." Nabiki added, nodding to them.

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Meet the Perv

By Jomasten

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Still staring at the three other people in the room, Nabiki took one glance at Akane's underwear drawer before walking into the room. "So I see that Akane's intimates are still intact."

Ranma and Ryouga stammered out an awkward answer, while Akane just huffed, "Yep, still here." She then smirks at her sister.

Raising an eyebrow at her younger sister, she then voiced, "Tell me then: did any of you happen to pound a diminutive old pervert on the way here?" When all three voiced their negatives and shrugged their shoulders, she asked, "No?" Nabiki then gently dumped Ukyo onto Akane's bed, Ukyo's face sporting a rather dizzy look, her top rather rumpled as she continued to lay unconscious, just as Nabiki continued, "Then we still have a problem."

"Heh, and that wasn't an understatement." Ranma quipped with a sarcastic snort.

Akane just guffawed loudly, as she arrogantly twirled her mallet in her hand, "Ha! I've pounded that old pervert thousands of times. He just has a habit of sneaking around and finding things he's not supposed to find, or even get…" Then she paused, before thoughtfully adding, "Almost kinda like you, Nabiki." Unfortunately, with that lapse of attention, Akane had accidentally hit the side of her head, dropping the mallet as she yelped in pain. "OW!…No offense, Nabiki."

Akane visibly flinched, both with the stinging pain as well as the hard glare Nabiki gave her, as the middle Tendo idly picked up Akane's mallet, twirling it and handling it with relative ease. Seeing this, both males present in the room wondered if Akane's mallet-handling skills were hereditary.

"I assure you, dear sister that I am nothing like that." Nabiki snapped, "And certainly, nothing, NOTHING, like the man loose inside this household." She handed back Akane her mallet, which disappeared somewhere behind Akane.

Ranma just scoffed, "What're you? President of his fan club or something?" Ryouga sniggered, while Akane growled at him.

But Ranma also flinched when he was subjected to Nabiki's glare, as she replied a bit airily, pulling something seemingly from the top of Akane's drawer, "No… that would be your MOTHER!" She slapped what looked to be a folder, with what looked like pictures of Nodoka Saotome, Ranma's mother, in a magazine article.

"What the…!?" Ranma said before his speech devolved into random stutters, very disturbed. Ryouga and Akane looked over, and both sported identical perturbed looks upon seeing the article.

Who wouldn't, if a loving son saw a picture of his own mother conducting what was undeniably a Happosai fan club, complete with a large, leering banner of the old letch's face in the background, and Nodoka herself sporting a rather tight 'Happi-Times' t-shirt that, to Ranma, Akane, and Ryouga, disturbingly enhanced the auburn-haired woman's considerable bust, while holding onto a gavel. The caption on the picture even said "Happi-Times Club National President Nodoka Saotome discusses topics regarding son's 'manliness'."

"Indeed, "Nabiki intoned, a similar perturbed look in her face, "I was as disturbed as you are. And now, he's here to perv on us!" She then scowled and swatted Ranma on the chest. "So listen up, Saotome," She said, walking to the window and looking out meaningfully, before turning to look back at them, Saotome glaring at her, Ryouga and Akane behind him, serious looks on their faces, "Or disturbing magazine articles starring Auntie would the second worst thing that ever happens to you today."

With her hands entwined behind her back, she spoke with a rather grim tone as she paced back and forth the length of the bed, "This perv's already dispensed with the distractions."

Happosai, creeping about the Nekohanten, spots his target, and, without Cologne around due to some business or other, does a quick run before sliding under Shampoo so he could look up the purple-haired Amazon's skirt before tripping her up as he stole her underwear.

Shampoo, before she fell to the ground and knocked herself out, shouts, "Shampoo down!"

Happosai, standing quickly, kicks the door to the supply room open, throws a Happo-Dai-Kiri into the room, and catches Moose in the explosion.

Nabiki then motions to the still unconscious Ukyo, "You see what he's done to the other women."

Ukyo, manning her grill, hears a noise, and turns to look at Happosai. Without hesitation, she swings her combat-spatula. Unfortunately, it misses the pervert by a wide margin, and before she even realized it, the aged martial-arts master was on her chest, groping and squeezing.

Seeing red, Ukyo roars and tries to swat the pervert away, only to have him jump away, and, a heartbeat later, she feels him nuzzling her behind. Jumping in shock, she tries turning around to look at the pervert, but, like a dog following its own tail, becomes dizzy, falling over unconscious. Happosai just cackles and helps himself to Ukyo's panties. He knows the Okonomiyaki chef doesn't wear a bra, only breast wrappings, but that didn't mean he couldn't help himself to the young woman's cleavage.

"And worst of all, he could be anything and anywhere."

Genma, in his panda form, was swinging his large paws at the dodging blur that was Happosai.

"Growf, growf!" The panda grunted as the old man struck some pressure points, immobilizing him indefinitely.

With a condescending smirk, Happosai tipped over a bucket, successfully hiding his form as he scuttled away.

Genma, looking horrified, just mumbled, "Growf."

Nabiki almost panicked, motioned all around her, "He could even be in this very room." She then added, motioning to each of the females present, or more precisely, each of the one and a half females present, before motioning to herself, "I don't know whose next. It could be you, Akane, it could be Ranma, heck, it could even be…" Nabiki never got a chance to finish as Ranma knocked her out with a soft karate chop to the back of her neck.

"Whoa, whoa!" Ryouga said as Ranma caught Nabiki just as she was falling.

"Ranma!" Akane roared in anger.

Ranma himself just looked sheepish, as he gently moved Ukyo to make room for Nabiki, "What? It was obvious; Nabiki's getting too panicked. And when she, of all people, panics, I panic."

Akane didn't grace him with a response, opting to glare at him instead. Though, with her being behind both Ryouga and Ranma, none of the men noticed Akane as she was bonked in the head by her mallet, a short figure wielding it from the shadows. There was nary a noise as the shadow groped her as it quietly set her down.

Ryouga, rubbing the bridge of his nose, just sighed, "So, we still have a problem."

Ranma sighed as well, "Yeah, and know I ain't going to like it."

The shadow, retrieving a bucket of cold water from somewhere, snuck until he was right in the right distance to throw the bucket and hit both martial-artists.

Ranma then huffed, and slightly turned to Ryouga, "So, who's ready to catch a pervert?"

The answer did not come from Ryouga, and definitely not from Akane, but from an aged voice, "Right behind you."

Both Ranma and Ryouga turned, only to see a wave of water coming towards them.

*grope*

"Ack! Get him offa me!"

"Bwee! Bwee!"

*grope, fondle squeeze*

"Argh, don't touch me there!!!"

"Bwee!"

*grope, grope grope squeeze!*

Happosai, clapping his hands together, stood over a dizzy and unconscious red head, and a small black pig with a large lump on its head, as he held onto a large sack that pretty much contained Akane's underwear drawer.

Pausing to idly swipe Nabiki's thong, he nuzzled it into his face, sighing contentedly.

"Ah, my silky darlings." He said as he then walked out of the room.

/THE END!/

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A/N: Thank you for reading! Just a quick one-shot after watching TF2's 'leaked' "Meet the Spy" video. I personally haven't played myself, but it seems like a fun game. Well, some might notice that some of the characters are a bit OOC, but then again, this is a bit of crack-ish humor, so who cares!

Now, if you would excuse me, I will go make a Sandvich.