In The Hoghouse
By Androclez
Act One
Today we find our hero, Sonic The Hedgehog, out for a leisurely run across the wide open spaces of the great planet Mobius. His little buddy Tails is trailing closely behind. Suddenly they come upon a troubling sight...
"Mechanical mischief, dead ahead!" Sonic exclaimed.
"Time to put on the breaks little buddy. It's hero time," he added, screeching to a halt.
There were two young women trapped within a tangle of wires up on a cliff.
"Help! Someone please save us!" the two raccoon girls cried.
"We've gotta help those two civilians!" said Tails, charging forward.
"Hold up, bud!" said Sonic, holding his arm in front of Tails.
"We'd better take a closer look first."
"Good idea Sonic," said Tails.
"We'd better examine the hidden nuances of this complex trap first, right?"
"No, no. I'm just trynna see if the girls are cute or not!" said Sonic.
"No use risking our necks for a coupla' hags."
"Sonic!" Tails exclaimed, reproachfully.
Sonic looked the two young women over from a distance before approaching.
"It's okay Tails. They pass!" said Sonic.
"Now lets go."
But that's when Dr. Robotnik stepped from behind a boulder, wearing a sinister grin.
"Eggman!" Sonic exclaimed.
"Welcome Sonic," said Robotnik.
"I thought I'd make things a little more interesting for you this time. I brought a special present, just for you," he added, gesturing towards a little box shaped object in his hand.
"What are you blathering on about Robuttnik?!" Sonic snapped.
"Careful Sonic, I think it's a time bomb!" Tails gasped.
"Your little freaky flyer is correct," said Robotnik.
"And this time bomb is wired to our damsels in distress here."
"Nothin' a sonic-spin can't handle," Sonic boasted.
"Don't worry ladies! Help is on the way!" he bellowed heroically.
"No, you're not understanding," Robotnik said frustratedly.
"If you cut the wires..."
But Sonic wasn't listening. He just began to rev up his spin dash.
Whir~rrrrrrrrrr
"Pay attention you fool!" snapped Robotnik.
"He's right Sonic! That whole trap could detonate if it's not properly diffused!" Tails warned.
But he could tell Sonic wasn't listening, as he just kept revving up his spin dash in a noisy and showy display. Robotnik noticed too.
"Oh, never mind! I'm getting out of here!" Robotnik huffed, indignantly.
Zzzzzoom!
Sonic propelled himself up into the air and began careening towards the jumble of wires tied around the girls.
"Shoot! I've got to think at supersonic speeds, or we could all be killed!" thought Tails.
Tails flew up to get a better view of the bomb, and hastily picked out a prominent red wire from the bunch. He carefully aimed a small laser pointer at the wire, turned up the concentration of the beam, and burnt through the wire!
The very next second, Sonic started tearing through the entire mass of wires like a maniac.
Buzzzzzzzzzz
Snap!
Crack!
Pop!
The wires snapped apart as he cut through.
"Phew!" Tails heaved a sigh of relief.
Tails noticed that Robotnik was escaping in his Eggomatic hovercraft. He quickly scooped up the main component of the bomb and hurled it at the villain with all the force of a major league baseball pitcher on performance enhancing drugs!
WHOOSH!
KA-BOOM!!!
"Ahhhhh!" Robotnik screamed.
He was blown off into the distant skies and glimmered like a star as he disappeared over the horizon, Team Rocket style.
-Ping!-
"Oh Sonic, how can we ever thank you!" the raccoon girls squealed.
"Well, we can start with a little smooching over at my place," said Sonic, with a devilish grin.
"Hi, my name is Roxy, and this is my friend, Trixy," said Roxy.
"I didn't ask for no names, just gimme some sugar baby," said Sonic.
"Tee-hee!" the girls giggled.
"Well, uh... let's make it a double date then!" Tails suggested.
"Whoa little bro!" Sonic scolded him.
"Everybody knows the hero always gets the girl. Sonic sez!"
Sonic slung an arm around each of the girls and started to walk away with them.
"I don't believe this!" Tails grumbled.
"Sonic! Can I have a word with you?!"
Sonic heaved an exasperated sigh.
"Hold on girls, I have to confer with my associate right quick," said Sonic.
"This should just take a sec."
Sonic headed back to have a word with Tails.
"There's two of these bimbos Sonic. Are you really gonna take 'em both?!" asked Tails.
"Tails, Tails, Tails..." Sonic chided.
"These girls are looking to spend some quality time with a real live hero. It would be unfair to ask either of these lovely ladies to settle for a sidekick!"
"But I saved the day! Shouldn't I at least get one of the girls for a change?" Tails insisted.
"You'll understand more of this when you're older," said Sonic.
"Really?" asked Tails.
"Okay, okay. So maybe I'm just trying to get rid of you!" admitted Sonic.
"Just get lost and quit cramping my style."
Sonic pushed his hand in Tails' face and shoved him back.
"Grrr! Arf, arf!" Tails barked, angrily.
"What the heck?! You barking at me now???" asked a bewildered Sonic.
"Don't tell me I'ma' have to have you fixed, boy."
Whap!
Sonic kicked Tails in the face, sending him crashing into the dirt.
"Ugh!" Tails grunted.
Sonic and the girls all shared a hearty laugh as they headed for Sonic's place, or rather, a place belonging to one of the homeless hedgehog's friends who was out of town.
Tails was left alone, to lick his wounds.
"This isn't fair!" Tails whined.
"Why does Sonic always get all the credit?"
Tails drug himself home and spent the rest of the evening tinkering with some groundbreaking inventions that will one day save the world. He fell asleep at his monitors after performing his last scan for robot activity of the day.
Sonic stopped by Tails' house the following morning to boast about last night's exploits. And besides, this is the closest thing he has to a regular home.
"Yep, it was quite a party last night," said Sonic.
"You'll never believe what a wild time we had."
"Let me guess," said Tails.
"First you showed off some of your supersonic stunts inside the house. Next you had them cook you some chilidogs, then give you a foot massage and a quill sharpening. And finally you made them clean up the mess so the homeowner wouldn't know you held a party there, while you drank booze and fell asleep in the middle of the floor."
"You know me too well lil' bro," Sonic chuckled.
"Ready to go patrolling today?" asked Tails.
"Sure, let's run a few laps," Sonic agreed.
And so the duo went cruising throughout the land, looking for Mobians in need.
At length, they came to an isolated island as they were running along the coastal lands.
"Hmm, I don't think this island is on my charts," said Tails.
"I'd better add it so I can complete my land and sea map of Mobius."
"Help! Help!" came a faint voice off in the distance.
"Did you hear that Sonic? Someone is crying for help! I think it came from that island," said Tails.
Sonic and Tails peered towards the small island and saw a frightened foxgirl being assailed by a robotic octopus!
"Eek! Help me!" the girl cried.
"Come on Sonic, let's spring into action!" said Tails.
"Nuh-uh. Count me out of this one," Sonic refused.
"What for? She's a cute girl and everything," said Tails.
"Yeah, she's cute enough. But I ain't going into that water," said Sonic.
"Oh brother, how pathetic!" Tails mumbled under his breath.
"What did you just say?!" demanded Sonic.
"I heard you talkin' about me. You know I got that supersonic hearing."
"Yeah right," Tails scoffed, as he flew towards the island.
"Oh, please help me!" said the girl.
The Octobot wrapped its tentacles around the girl, lasciviously.
"Hey! Let her go, you creep!" yelled Tails.
Tails rammed his fist into the thing at full speed.
BAM!
Once the Octobot had let go of the girl, Tails was free to plant a few bombs around the creature. Then Tails grabbed the girl and took off! The bombs detonated...
Boom-BOOM!
Tails carried the girl to safety and reassured her.
"Don't worry, you're safe now Miss...?"
"My name's Fiona," she replied.
"And aren't you the famous hero, Miles "Tails" Prower?"
"Aw, shucks. I do try to help out when I can," Tails blushed.
"I'm very grateful for your help," said Fiona.
"How can I ever thank you?"
"Well, er... your safety is all that matters, so..." Tails stammered.
Fiona affectionately clasped Tails' hands in hers. They gazed into one another's eyes. And then... their trembling lips met.
smooch
It was like love at first sight.
"Come on, lets get you back to the mainland," offered Tails.
But then Tails looked across the sea and spotted Sonic tapping his foot on the other side. He was impatiently waiting at the shore for Tails to bring the girl to him.
"Um, on second thought, this looks like a beautiful island," said Tails.
"What say we explore it together for a while?"
"That sounds wonderful," said Fiona.
Tails and Fiona frolicked on the beach, picked fruit from the trees, and watched the sunset together on a hill. They ended up spending the night on the island, each in their own hammock. Sonic had long since lost patience and stormed off in a huff. He went to go throw back a few brewskies with his other buddy, Nack The Weasel.
It turned out that Fiona had been vacationing in the area and so Tails eventually dropped her off at her hotel the next morning. He returned to his own house in a chipper mood. He was whistling merrily and almost tripped over Sonic on his way in.
"Where the heck have you been?" asked the hungover hedgehog.
"Just taking a brief and much needed vacation," said Tails.
"Do you have any idea what I've been through?" groaned Sonic.
"I went for some drinks last night and woke up in a ditch with blood all over me. Fortunately I don't think it was mine..."
"See there? Now that's looking on the bright side, Sonic-old-pal," said Tails, with a serene smile.
"What are you so doggone happy for?" asked Sonic.
"Can't a man be happy in his own home?" asked Tails, good-humoredly.
"Hmm..." Sonic eyed him suspiciously.
Tails fixed Sonic a glass of water, as it is the only true hangover remedy, aside from good sense. Then Tails proceeded to clean and straighten up the entire house. When he got done with those chores, he spent the next several hours outside, putting the finishing touches on a small shed he had been building for a couple of weeks. Seeing how diligently he was working, Sonic came out to harass him...
"What's with all the housework?" asked Sonic.
"You expecting company?"
"Maybe I just don't enjoy wallowing in filth, like some people," said Tails.
"I see you're building an extra storage shed too," said Sonic.
"For your new inventions and stuff?"
"That's what I first started building it for, but now I'm converting it into a second house," said Tails.
"Some house," Sonic scoffed.
"What is it, a doghouse?"
"No, it's a hoghouse," said Tails.
"Say what? " Sonic asked in surprise.
"It's for when you come home after you've had too much to drink," Tails explained.
"From now on, I don't want you coming in the main house unless you're sober."
"You been gettin' kinda uppity lately, half-pint!" Sonic snapped.
"Oh please," Tails scoffed.
"I'm always doing maintenance work on this place. Now I'm just making it easier for you to not trash it!"
"Whatever," Sonic mumbled, as he walked off.
After Tails finished working on the detox shed, he went back inside the house and hopped in the shower. When he was done washing and drying himself off, he put on some deodorant and cologne. He even brushed his fur! His coat was nice and shiny.
"Okay, now you've gone completely metro!" Sonic jeered.
"Don't be ridiculous!" said Tails.
"Have you got a hot date or something?" Sonic chuckled.
"What I do in my personal life is nobody's business," said Tails, slightly blushing.
"Well!" Sonic huffed, pretending to be offended.
"I'm going out for a bit," said Tails.
"Please don't invite Nack The Weasel in the house while I'm away."
"What's wrong with Nack?" asked Sonic, defensively.
"What's wrong with Nack?!" Tails repeated, in disbelief.
"He smokes, he tracks mud on the floor, he never uses a coaster... And I don't see why a superhero needs to hang out with a wanted criminal anyway!"
After that, Tails went outside and picked a few flowers from the garden. Then he flew off with the fresh bouquet in tow.
Back inside the house, Sonic was pondering what to do next...
"Hmm, now that he mentioned it, inviting Nack over wouldn't be such a bad idea," thought Sonic.
Completely ignoring Tails' request, Sonic gave Nack a call and asked him to come over. A few minutes later, he heard a knock on the door.
"That was fast," Sonic said to himself.
As soon as he turned the knob, the door flew open and someone jumped on top of him!
"Whoa! Hey, what's going on?!" demanded Sonic, as he was pinned to the floor.
He looked up and saw Amy rose laying on top of him.
"What's the big idea Amy?!" asked Sonic.
"The big idea?" Amy repeated.
"How about love, courtship and marriage for starters?"
"Sheesh, will you lay off Amy? I'm expecting someone," said Sonic, as he shoved her aside.
"Who is she?! I'll clobber her!" yelled Amy, pulling her hammer out.
"Relax, it's just a friend," said Sonic.
"Actually he's not even a real friend. More like a buddy."
"Speaking of real friends, is Tails home?" asked Amy.
"Tails? No, he left just a minute ago," said Sonic, getting a bit jealous in spite of himself.
"Good! Then that means we have the place all to ourselves," she purred.
Amy grabbed hold of Sonic and started kissing him all over his face. He kept pushing her away, but somehow never actually made her stop.
"Cut it out Amy!" said Sonic, feebly resisting.
That's when Nack strolled in through the open door.
"Am I interrupting something, or did you invite me over to join in?" asked Nack, with a smirk.
"Uh, Nack!" Sonic exclaimed, finally pushing Amy off himself for real.
"Nack The Weasel! What are you doing here?!" Amy exclaimed.
"Only by special request," said Nack, tipping his hat.
"Sonic! You hang out with badguys now?" asked Amy.
"Oh don't act like you didn't know," said Sonic, rolling his eyes.
"Anyway, sit down Nack. I got something I wanna run by you. You too Amy, as long as you're here."
"Look, if this is about the heat from last night, I didn't say no-thing to no-body," said Nack.
"And you'd best do the same, man."
"I ain't talking about that. I don't even remember that stuff," said Sonic.
"I'm talking about Tails acting all weird lately."
"You think he's on something?" asked Nack.
"I doubt it," said Sonic.
"You think he's in the market to get on something?" asked Nack.
"'Cause I got a new shipment of..."
"Just shut up and listen!" said Sonic.
"It all started when I picked up these two hoochies and took 'em home with me."
Amy suddenly raised her hand.
"Excuse me, can we stop the story for a sec? I have a question," she requested.
"Yes Amy?" Sonic called on her.
"Are you just trying to break my heart now?" she asked.
"Ne'mind about her," said Nack.
"Go 'head and tell us what you do to 'dem hoochies."
"That's not the point guys," said Sonic.
"The point is that Tails gets all upset and starts dissing me for taking both the girls. Like he resents me or something. And he starts talking about how he wants recognition and stuff."
"So youngblood is gettin' a little too big for his britches," said Nack.
"Right, so I told him the hero always gets the girl," said Sonic.
"The hero or the no-'count, smoothe talking thug," said Nack.
"Personally I think you should let Tails get the girls," said Amy.
"Well that's why your vote doesn't count," said Sonic.
"So anyway, the next day we go by this tropical island and see a cute young fox chick getting accosted by a tentacle monster."
"Yeah! Now that's what I'm talkin' about!" Nack cheered.
"Ew! What a sleaze!" said Amy, flushing.
"But go on Sonic..."
"What I'm trying to tell you two is that Tails rescued the girl by himself and I didn't see him again until the next day," said Sonic.
"Then he starts sprucing the place up and trying to put me out!"
"Do you realize what this means?" asked Amy.
"Tails is trying to take over as the new hero!" Sonic concluded.
"No! It means Tails is in love," said Amy.
"Not that you would know anything about that..."
"You mean Tails has found himself a girlfriend?" asked Sonic.
"One girl who he sees over and over again?"
"A novel concept, I'm sure," Amy quipped, sarcastically.
"I'll bet he's taking her flowers or chocolates right now."
"Come to think of it, he did leave with some flowers earlier," said Sonic.
"So I guess this means that not everything is about you," said Amy.
Sonic gave her a reprimanding look.
"Although it should be!" she quickly added.
"Now waitaminute, I'm lost here," said Nack.
"Are you telling me the tentacle thingy was defeated, before he even got to do anything? What a waste!"
"Man, get outta here with that stuff!" said Sonic, as he threw Nack out.
Sonic proceeded to grab Nack by the tail and physically hurl him out through the front doorway.
"Ah!" Nack yelped as he hit the ground.
"That old bum was no help at all," said Sonic.
"You should have known to seek a woman's opinion in matters of the heart," said Amy, gesturing to herself.
"I guess I never thought it would be that," said Sonic.
"We're also expert busybodies in other people's business," said Amy.
"I'll go spread the gossip!"
Amy gleefully exited Tails' house to go spread his business all through the streets.
Meanwhile, at Fiona's hotel...
"The flowers are lovely Tails. I'll go put them in some water right now," said Fiona.
"It's a beautiful hotel. Have you been enjoying your stay here?" asked Tails.
"Yes, I certainly have," said Fiona.
"It's been wonderful, especially since I met you."
"Aw shucks," said Tails, as he bashfully shifted around and looked down to his feet.
Fiona served them both some tea.
"I suppose I ought to enjoy it, especially since my family owns the hotel here," said Fiona.
"What! You're loaded?!" Tails exclaimed, almost spilling his tea.
He regretted that some of Sonic's coarser manners may have rubbed off on him.
"We do pretty well for ourselves," Fiona chuckled.
"The hotel is actually a new venture. My father's main business is a technology firm."
"Sounds like my kinda guy," said Tails.
"We're holding a grand opening party here tomorrow evening, in the ballroom," said Fiona.
"I'd be delighted if you would attend. You may even get to meet my father."
"It would be an honor," said Tails.
"Wonderful!" said Fiona.
"But, um... you may want to wear some clothes next time. Preferably something dressy."
"Uh, yeah... I guess I am kinda sporting the nekkid style," Tails blushed, just noticing that Fiona always wore clothes.
"Hero work seems to lend itself to it," he added.
"Then it's a date!" chirped Fiona.
"Feel free to bring your friends. I'd love to meet them too."
After finishing his tea and thanking Fiona, Tails exited the hotel wondering where he could scrounge together some civilized friends to invite to the party.
"Hmm, I wonder if Espio is free?" he thought out loud.
"But can I invite him without getting stuck with the other two?"
As Tails was stepping outside the double doors at the front of the hotel, someone suddenly jumped him from out of a nearby bush!
"Ah!" gasped a startled Tails.
"So it's true!" said Sonic, brushing leaves off himself.
"You've got yourself a little girlfriend stowed away in this fancy hotel joint."
"Sonic! What in the world are you doing here?!" asked Tails.
"I'm scoping out the love nest operation you got going here," said Sonic.
"Thought you could sneak one by me, did you?"
"Give it up Sonic, you're too late!" said Tails.
"This girl actually likes me, for who I am. And I like her just the same. You're not gonna just swoop in and take this one away."
"So you think you've graduated to the point where you get to have a girl?" Sonic sneered.
"Face it. You may have gotten Trixy and Roxy, but I got foxy," Tails grinned.
"Meh, I don't care. I'll let you have this one," said Sonic.
"I'm not into those 'relationship' types anyway."
"Good, then it's a truce," said Tails, quickly walking away.
"Hold it right there mister!" said Sonic.
"Don't think I don't know about the party!"
"Oh shoot! How'd you find out?" asked Tails.
"Call it supersonic hearing," said Sonic.
"Okay, okay, I guess you can come," said Tails.
"But you have to dress up and act civil!"
"Sonic The Hedgehog can wear a suit," Sonic boasted, confidently.
"But can Sonic The Hedgehog act like he has some home-training? That's what I'm worried about," said Tails.
"Chill Tails, you gotta relax and lighten up if you wanna impress this chick," said Sonic.
"I've got to worry about impressing her father too. He's supposed to be there," said Tails.
"Her father?" asked Sonic.
"Yeah, apparently some people have parents," said Tails.
"You know how Cream has Vanilla? Well some people have a male parent too. Like what those women are always accusing you of being in those lawsuits," he explained.
"Tails, Tails, Tails... you gotta remember that I'm the hero of Mobius! What better guest could you bring to impress these people?" Sonic remarked.
"I appreciate that Sonic, but I want you to exercise a little restraint," said Tails.
"Don't worry Tails, I'll be supersonic polite!" Sonic assured him.
"I'll hit 'em with my triple-manners maneuver."
"Just this once, can we try to use regular manners and be normally polite?" Tails pleaded.
"I've got everything under control," said Sonic, giving a thumbs-up and a wink.
To Be Continued.
And now, for today's Sonic Sez
...er, Sonic Says
"Kids, there's nothing cooler than enjoying a nice swim and observing the awesome sea-life. But if one of those underwater critters pokes, rubs, or touches you in any way that makes you uncomfortable, the first thing you do is get outta there! Then, stop by your local sushi bar with an adult you trust... to pick up the bill that is. And be sure to try the octopus. That's showin' those fishy freakers who's the boss on this food chain! Sonic Says! "