Hallelujah by InSilva
Disclaimer: do not own anything from Oceanworld and do not own "Hallelujah".
A/N: "Hallelujah" was written by Leonard Cohen and for this fic, I have used the version that Jeff Buckley recorded. I guess this is a songfic. Have never written one of those before.
Summary: Not related to any other verse. A Rusty pov on Danny/Tess. One-shot.
I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well, it goes like this: the fourth, the fifth,
The minor fall and the major lift -
The baffled king composing Hallelujah…
Could it be magic? Yes, Barry, it could. It really could. In fact, it was. Danny. Danny, full of the incredible and the amazing and the impossible. That's where Danny lived, you know. Up there where the air is rarefied. Huh. Must stop with the lyrics.
Anyway. Point is, that you didn't get the magic, did you? Remember sitting watching you while Danny tried to explain the inexplicable once. Where he tried to talk to you about where the ideas come from and how they form and what that all means to him. The mechanics of genius that even he doesn't fully comprehend. Trying to reveal how the trick is done.
And you did him the courtesy of listening to him and nodding and still, still you didn't understand. You smiled at him and I could tell it was all something slightly distasteful to you. You looked the way other women would when they found out their man has a sordid past or a shameful secret. Like you hope no one you know will find out and like you hope he's sorry now and like this is never going to happen again, is it?
I saw him falling over his words and growing more and more tongue-tied and then he saw the look on your face. There was a moment. An absolute crystal moment where you smiled and he saw and I wished…and then he smiled back at you. The warm and wonderful smile that said that he loved you. And that he would never try to explain it to you again.
Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof,
You saw her bathing on the roof,
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you.
She tied you to her kitchen chair,
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah…
It wasn't even a choice. Well, it was. It was the choice. And you made it. Fuck, it hurt. It hurt so very much. But that's love for ya.
"I have to. I have to try."
And you knew how I felt and what I wasn't saying and of course, I wanted you happy. I always, always want you happy. And you thought you could have it all, didn't you? Nothing's impossible, right? And I believed.
I watched you on the straight and narrow. I watched all the little choices you made out of love. The little thorny arrows that buried their way into you and under your skin until you were pinned down like Gulliver in Lilliput.
And when I couldn't watch any longer, when I couldn't stand to see you growing greyer and greyer, the light in your eyes dying just that little bit more each and every time I came by, I stopped coming by.
It hurt like fuck.
Baby, I've been here before,
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah…
You never gloated. Doubt it even ever occurred to you. You had no idea what Danny gave up for you. You never knew the dreams he stopped dreaming.
Life without Danny. Well, I'd done it before. I could do it again. And if it's paler and emptier, well, I'm a big boy and I can take it on the chin.
Well, there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
But remember when I moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah…
It's been six years. And people have stopped asking me in hushed tones if I'm alright. Like you're dead. Like you're not alive and well and living in Connecticut. And I've stopped having to lie.
It's a New York hotel and I'm off the job and indulging in a spot of downtime. It's late December and baby, it's cold outside. I'm sitting in a restaurant crowded with Christmas shoppers with afternoon tea in front of me. Sandwiches and cakes piled high. Frivolous and foolish and all the things you used to love about me.
Then I look up and Tess is walking through the door and you're a step behind. I can't hide the emotions. I'm good but I'm not that good. I show you a face full of pain and anger and love and regret. Tess doesn't see a thing.
"Rusty!"
Polite and pleasant and I remember myself. I'm on my feet and greeting her and there's the masochistic yearning that makes me ask you to join me.
You both hesitate. And I know why Tess does and I hope I know why you do. In the end, Tess sits down at my table and you sit beside her and let a waitress take your order.
"So. It's been a while," Tess says brightly and she and I engage in light conversation about a hundred different things that don't matter.
I'm busy not looking at you. Not seeing the invisible ropes of love that bind you. Definitely not looking at the moustache. Rhett Butler? Man…
And I am busy not thinking about the hundred different things that do matter. The times of alive and special and once in a lifetime. The times when it was the two of us and even then the lines were blurry.
Tess busies herself with a macaroon and I risk a glance across.
Danny?
Tremulous and unanswered. Your eyes are dark and closed to me. And I know you can read me. You could reply if you wanted to. You don't want to.
You stand to leave and I stand too, kissing Tess on the cheek and stepping round the table to shake you by the hand. Your touch is electric and I'm back with memories of joy and danger and unconditional and forever. There's a surge in the crowd around us and for a moment, we're pressed against each other, our faces close, our bodies closer.
And your breath is on my cheek and there's the feel of you and the smell of you and I'm trembling and I can't hide it and the never to be experienced again is so overwhelming, I'm lucky you're holding on to me. It's the only way I'm staying upright.
Then the pressure lessens and you step back and away and let go. Again.
"Be seeing ya," I say chirpily to Tess and to you I am saying the hundred different things.
"Goodbye, Rusty," Tess smiles.
Goodbye, Rusty.
And you're gone.
Well, maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you.
It's not a cry that you hear at night,
It's not somebody who's seen the light,
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah…
In truth, I lost the battle a long, long time ago. The first time you laid eyes on Tess. And maybe I should have fought harder or dirtier, maybe I should have shouted and stamped my foot but they say, don't they, that if you love someone you set them free. I guess Tess won without trying. Without even knowing the victory she'd won.
And when I lie in bed at night with only a ceiling to talk to, when I lie and think about you, about us, the magic is still there. It's burning low, now and outside the circle of the flame, it's cold and it's lonely. I'm the only one keeping it alive and soon…soon…
A/N: if you don't know the song, please do youtube it.