"Hey Strong Bad."
Strong Bad felt something poke him, and groaned. He'd only been awake for a second, and already he wished he was still asleep.
"Hey Strong Bad." Poke. "Hey Strong Bad." Poke. "Hey Strong Bad." Poke.
"What?" said Strong Bad at last. He'd told and told Homestar not to interrupt him while he was alive.
"Notice anything different?" Homestar sounded proud of himself.
With some effort, Strong Bad opened his eyes and sat up. He did notice something different. Homestar had two arms, hair, a proper face, and was clearly wearing pants.
"I turned myself into a human!" said Homestar unnecessarily.
"Uh-huh," said Strong Bad, unperturbed. "Why did you turn yourself into a human?"
Homestar beamed. "To attract people to my website! Figures were down, so I drank some witch's brew, and..."
Strong Bad cut him off. "You turned yourself into a human to attract people to your website."
"Yeah, that's right," said Homestar, with a much stupider grin on his face than he would have normally been able to manage.
Strong Bad tried not to laugh, but not very hard. "Well, uh, good luck with that, Homestar." Homestar would not have attracted half of his undeserved fame if he hadn't had that stupid iconic look that only idiots liked.
Homestar leaned forward. "So... that's a yes to the human promoting tour I signed us up for without your knowledge or consent?"
"Look, Homestar," said Strong Bad, swinging his legs over the side of the couch. "As much as I'd like to deliver a humiliating rejection to your stupid face, I have a date with a 64-bit, art-of-the-state Atari Jaguar. So... Why don't you give us a little space."
Homestar leaned back, offended. "Well, I never! I'm going to go talk to someone who appreciates my anthromoph-style charms."
He walked off in a huff, holding his arms stiffly at his sides.
.
Homestar lifted his arm up and aimed it at Marzipan's doorbell, pressing it over and over and over. What did Strong Bad know, anyway? Homestar was the one with his own website. Strong Bad was just some minor side character no one liked. His name wasn't even in the URL.
Marzipan opened the door. "Homestar, what..." She trailed off, staring at him.
"Surprise!" said Homestar, waving his arms around and hoping that it meant something. "Now we can go back to how we used to be!" He'd begun to suspect that Marzipan was a bit prejudiced against people with no arms or nose.
Marzipan had a weird way of showing happiness. It looked almost like she was annoyed. "You think you can fix our relationship with a new look?"
"Uh, yeah," said Homestar. Even though Marzipan was his girlfriend, she was really stupid sometimes. "I think that was implied."
Marzipan slammed the door in his face.
Homestar walked away. She was just being stubborn. She'd come around. He'd bask in someone else's appreciation in the meantime. Like, maybe... Slinkyface McGee. No, wait. Bubs. That was a better idea.
"Hey, Bubs," said Homestar, leaning up against the concession stand.
Bubs squinted. "There's something different about you, Homestar..."
Homestar smiled, and waved his hands around until he hit them on the bench. "Ow..."
"I know!" said Bubs. "You cut your hair!"
Homestar slumped. "Actually, I..."
"You're growing a beard!"
"What?"
"No, no, don't tell me! You're wearing your shirt inside out!"
Homestar sighed and walked away.
"You got glasses! You waxed your moustache!"
Didn't anyone appreciate the new Homestar Runner?
"Hey there, Homestar," said Coach Z, who was standing in the middle of the field holding a pair of binoculars.
Coach Z! Coach Z would make Homestar feel cool. He always did, just by comparison.
"Say, Coach Z," said Homestar. "You like my new look right?"
"Of course I don't, Homestar!" said Coach Z cheerfully. He grabbed one of Homestar's arms by the wrist and held it up. "What's this gargle? How are we supposed to win the big game with these things dragging behind you? What about your dreams, Homestar? You were gonna win the big championship! You were gonna win the big championship and go onto the worldwides!"
Coach Z put his hands over his face and started crying.
Homestar waited for him to stop, but he didn't.
.
Strong Sad had been following Homestar around for a while, hoping to catch his attention. "Hey, Homestar," he said.
Homestar continued to walk dejectedly through the field.
"Hey, Homestar," repeated Strong Sad.
Homestar ignored him.
Frustrated, Strong Sad stood in front of him.
Homestar walked into him. "Ow! Oh, hey Strong Sad. I didn't see you there."
"I couldn't help overhearing your shape-changing woes," said Strong Sad, rubbing his leg where Homestar had accidentally kicked him.
Homestar laughed. "They'll be laughing on the other side of their tune when my new look pulls in tens and fives of new visitors to my website!"
Strong Sad decided to ignore that extremely unlikely possibility. "Uh, while you're waiting, why don't I show you around the wonderful world of..." he waved his arms mysteriously, "outside the mainstream." He may have looked stupid as a human, but Homestar was an outcast now, just like Strong Sad. Finally, someone who understood.
Homestar squinted. "What?"
"Come, brother, let us reject the bourgeois pastimes of our so-called peers, and frolic though the fields of true artistic vision!" Strong Sad pronounced. He was particularly proud of "fields of true artistic vision".
Homestar jumped back like Strong Sad was infected with a dangerous disease. "Yeah, I'm changing back," he said, producing a bottle labelled "Witch's Berw".
"Wait, Homestar..." said Strong Sad, but Homestar had already taken a shot.
There was a bright flash of light.
When it cleared, Homestar was still human, and coloured with so many subtly different colours and shades that Strong Sad couldn't stop staring. He was used to solid blocks of colour with maybe a bit of shading on one side. His eyes started to water.
Homestar looked down at himself and grinned. "I'm a real boy!"