"I'm what?" Chizuru couldn't believe her ears. She felt like she was underwater and the doctor's words were muffled by the refraction.
"I said, you're pregnant." Chizuru was slow to absorb the information. She was pregnant. With Hijikata's child. Her first reaction was shock, then joy, then pure terror. She was overwhelmed with the thought that a tangible part of Hijikata resided inside her, but what was she supposed to do with a baby? She was, for all intents and purposes, alone. A single, unmarried woman with no home and no family. And what was she supposed to tell Okita?
"I'll give you some medicine for your nausea," the doctor continued, mistaking her reaction for silent excitement. "But you'll be just fine." Chizuru nodded, barely listening.
The doctor walked her out and Okita rose to meet them.
"How is she?" he asked. The doctor grinned.
"Oh, your wife is just fine. She's…"
"Sensei!" Chizuru cut him off before he could finish. "I'll tell him later." The doctor smiled knowingly.
"Of course," he replied, misunderstanding the situation entirely. But, Chizuru decided, that was to her benefit and Okita mercifully didn't bother to correct the doctor.
"So how are you?" Okita asked as they left. Chizuru forced a smile on her face.
"I'm just fine!" she lied. "The doctor said it was nothing and gave me some medicine for my nausea." She held up the little packets. "See, everything's ok."
"If everything is ok, then why are you lying to me?" Chizuru stopped in her tracks.
"W…why do you think I'm lying to you?" she stammered, but her cover was blown. If Okita had seen through her initial lie, there was no way he would fail to recognize this one. He responded to her stupidity by saying nothing. Chizuru took a deep breath.
"Okita-san, I'm…pregnant." It felt strange to say it out loud. It hadn't really sunk in yet, even for her, so she couldn't imagine how Okita must be feeling. There was a heavy silence, filled only by the sound of the wind and the background chatter of pedestrians out for a stroll.
"Hijikata-san?" Okita asked, but it was more of a statement than a question.
"How did you know?" Chizuru asked in amazement, her face flushing with embarrassment. She had never meant to tell anyone, least of all Okita, about that night, but there was no hiding it now.
"It has been clear to me for quite a while how you felt about each other," Okita replied, and that shocked Chizuru more than anything, because Okita left them almost a year ago and Chizuru only learned that Hijikata responded to her feelings for him when she arrived in Ezo. Honestly, she believed that he had fallen for her during their time apart. But if Okita knew, then Hijikata had loved her for much longer than she realized. That thought caused her pain, so she pushed it out of her mind with great difficulty, to be revisited at another time. At the moment, she had more pressing issues to deal with.
"So what are you going to do?" Okita asked, and Chizuru had no clue what to say.
"I honestly have no idea. It's ironic, isn't it? This should be happy news, but now I'm just…scared. I guess I'm weak aren't I?" Okita shook his head.
"There is nothing weak about feeling scared in your position." Chizuru smiled sadly, grateful for his support.
"Thank you, Okita-san." Okita considered her carefully.
"Would you like to marry me?" For the second time that day, Chizuru was convinced she misheard.
"What?"
"A pregnant woman should have a husband. It would be an honor to protect you and Hijikata-san's child."
"No I…I couldn't!" Chizuru stammered. "I couldn't do that to you, Okita-san. Why would you marry me? You have your own life to live. You shouldn't be tied down married to someone like me."
"Ever since I met him, my life has been dedicated to fighting for, and protecting, Hijikata Toshizo. He was the first person to acknowledge me, and to recognize my strength, despite my left handed stance. I vowed to spend the rest of my life repaying his kindness. He is, sadly, no longer here. Therefore, there is no better purpose for my life then to protect his child, and the woman he loved. The decision is yours. The offer stands."
Chizuru didn't know how to respond. She was flattered, to say the least, that Okita was willing to go so far for Hijikata and herself. She had always liked Okita. Despite his ruthlessness on the battlefield, he had a soft spot for people he cared about, was easily embarrassed, and found beauty in the simple things in life. He was also surprisingly gentle when he wasn't killing people. She certainly didn't love him the way she had loved Hijikata, and she felt the enormous guilt of betrayal that she was even entertaining the thought of marrying another man. Under normal circumstances, she wouldn't have even considered it, but these weren't normal circumstances. She was pregnant. Hijikata wasn't alive to be by her side and raise his child, but Okita was. And she couldn't deny that having a husband would solve many of her problems. She didn't want to take advantage of Okita, but given her condition, marrying him was certainly her best option. She took a deep breath.
"You have to promise me, that if you find another woman who you want for your wife, you will leave me and marry her instead."
"I could never do such a disgraceful thing," Okita replied, and Chizuru knew it to be true.
"Alright then, if you find another woman who you want for your wife, then I will leave you. Is that acceptable?" Okita glared at her.
"I…suppose." Chizuru smiled at him.
"Then, Okita-san, I would be honored to be your wife."
ooooooooooooooooooooooo
They were married that afternoon at a quaint Shinto shrine on the outskirts of town. If the priest was confused about marrying a man in Western military garb to a woman in men's clothing, he made no mention of it. The wedding was simple, with no fanfare, and was over rather quickly. Chizuru was glad. If the wedding had been a big event, she may have felt too guilty to go through with it.
They went out to eat afterwards at a casual soba shop, but an awkward silence hung over them. At least, it was awkward for Chizuru. It was difficult to tell what Okita was thinking. He looked the same as always. Finally, Chizuru couldn't take it anymore.
"Okita-san," she began, and he looked up from his food. "Thank you."
"There is nothing to thank me for," he replied, returning to his meal. "I only did what anyone in my position would have done."
"I don't think that's true at all. Most people wouldn't go so far as to marry someone they didn't love out of loyalty to an old friend. You're really something." Okita stiffened ever so slightly but didn't reply, and Chizuru felt the silence grow awkward again. Determined to keep the conversation going, she blurt out the first thing she could think of.
"Now that we're married, it's a little weird if I keep calling you 'Okita-san', don't you think? I mean, that's my name too now." Okita considered her.
"You may call me whatever you wish," he said. Chizuru smiled, glad that she was at least managing to hold his attention in a conversation.
"Ok. Then, 'anata'?" Okita blushed from his cheeks all the way to the roots of his hair. Chizuru was convinced she could have cooked an egg on his face.
"Please, anything but that." Chizuru couldn't help but giggle at Okita's obvious discomfort. She hadn't meant to tease him, but his reaction was so adorable. Okita turned, if possible, even redder.
"Just call me by my name," Okita said. "And I will call you 'Chizuru'." Chizuru smiled affectionately.
"Ok, Saito-san it is." Okita seemed content with that, and they lapsed back into silence, but it was a much more comfortable silence than it had been before. And it remained that way until they returned to the inn that they were staying in and Okita opened the door to their room to reveal their futons, which had been laid out for them. Okita had insisted early in their journey that he did not think a woman in a strange city should be in a room alone, a sentiment which Chizuru shared. There was a reason she dressed as a man when traveling by herself. Earlier, she had been grateful for Okita's consideration, but tonight was different. She hadn't thought about it before, but the futons made her painfully aware of her new situation. She and Okita were married now. That meant…No. She couldn't do that. Not now, not so soon after losing Hijikata, not with a man she didn't love. Okita noticed her discomfort.
"What's wrong?" he asked. Chizuru gave him a strained smile.
"Well, it's just, our wedding night, so…I'm uh, mentally preparing myself," she stuttered, feeling like a pathetic child and hating herself for it. Okita took a step towards her and she looked up at him. His gaze bore into her, gripping her tightly and preventing her from moving.
"It seems," he said, his voice deadly serious, "that you misunderstand the nature of our marriage. I apologize to you for not making it clearer. I married you so that I could protect you. I want nothing more from you than to allow me the privilege of doing so. Therefore, you should never feel obligated to come into my bed. I will never lay an unwanted finger on you." His words were clear and honest and left no room for doubt. Chizuru could feel the truth behind them, and they made her feel safer than she could have thought possible. For the first time, she felt genuinely glad that she had taken Okita up on his offer of marriage.
"Thank you," she said, and her relief showed on her face.
"There is nothing to thank me for. Now go to bed. We will leave early tomorrow. I want to reach Edo while you are still in a condition to travel."
'Anata' technically means 'you', but is a term of endearment that wives use for their husbands.