Okay, this is my first ever SN fic. I've just started watching the show (literally a month ago!) so I've seen a lot of the episodes but not all of them. I'm just starting to watch season five. Dean's Hell arc in season four hit home and left me with a question, so this is my attempt to answer it.
Please excuse me if the characters aren't themselves- I'm still feeling this out. :)
No Longer Bulletproof
The mind is its own place and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
John Milton
Chapter One
Second chances don't come cheap, and try as he might, he can't figure out who's paying for this one. The water running over his body has started to turn cold, but he doesn't turn the shower off. His hands move across his skin, touching places that his mind insists should have scars. There's not a trace of the agony left on his skin. Thirty years should leave some kind of mark, but it's all in his mind instead.
Every time he closes his eyes, he's back in Hell. Screams fill his head, but they're not his own. The blood on his hands didn't come from him, and that's what bothers him the most.
I hurt people. I was too weak and I hurt people because of it.
He can't reconcile the Dean in his head- strong, protector, bulletproof to the Dean he's become- weak and broken and someone who'll inflict pain to save his own skin. Even thinking about his makes his stomach roll. Bile rises in his throat but nothing comes up. The dry heaves feel like they're tearing him apart, but they pass quickly.
He's shivering and it's not just because of the cold water pouring out of the showerhead. There's a question inside of him and it feels like ice.
How do I trust myself now? How do I know I'm not going to break under pressure?
How do I put the monster back in the bottle?