How do I explain to someone the way he felt about me and the way I felt about him? It s indescribable. People would label in love. Others would call us obsessive and weird.
We fell in love when we weren t meant to. I was with someone else. He was the bad boy. My then boyfriend did not like him. That didn t matter to me. Maybe that makes me a bad person.
At the time I felt naughty. I knew I shouldn t have felt the way I did, but I couldn t stop what was happening. Can anyone ever stop themselves from falling in love?
He gave me a necklace he had made. I don t know where it is now. I wish I did. He always told me that the necklace felt cold whenever he wore it, but was so warm when I did.
I guess that was our contrast. He was cold. I was hot. Fire and ice. I guess opposites do attract. I guess it also didn t matter to us that I had a boyfriend. We kissed. More than once.
One night, he came over. He climbed in my window. We did more than kiss that night. I was still with my boyfriend. I know that makes me a bad person.
After that night we didn t talk much anymore. He would send me texts telling me he would never let go of me. That he would love me forever. I believed him. I knew I would love him forever too. I changed after that night. I tried to push him out of my life.
He always seemed to have an effect on me. If he was sad when I saw him, then I was sad. He was suicidal when I knew him then. I remember he had a heart cut into his left wrist, where I now have a heart tattooed. I had forgotten that he had a heart there forever, until after his death.
Yes. He died. At the beginning of the year on the 3rd of January. It had been over 6 months. Just. It has been 6 months since the day he would have turned 15. Today is the 23rd of June. His birthday was the 23rd of January.
I did tell my boyfriend. A month after it happened. He broke up with me. I did care about my boyfriend. I loved him. But it was different to the way I loved him.
It hurt. The two males in my life that I really cared about gone. Both my fault. Maybe I should have just stayed with the boyfriend. But what about the love I had with him? Shouldn t that matter too?
I now have a tattoo on my right hip, saying our song and his dates:
Lie about us
23/01/94 - 03/01/09
It wasn t just because he was forbidden. It wasn t because he was bad for me . It was because we fell in love. A forbidden love. At least by the people around us. We didn t fall in love on purpose. It just happened. Having someone in your life that you care so much about die it kills you. Slowly. From the inside out. Slowly. Little bits of you crumbling. Just a little bit each day. But it s just a little bit longer until I can be with him. I am going to keep living my life, but I can t wait until I see him again. His gorgeous face. Run my hands through his hair. Be able to touch and hold him again.
Just a little longer, baby...
Just a little bit...
Just a little bit...
Just a little bit longer...