Dusk

by PiratesAteUrBaby

“Everyone needs saving…some just don’t know it yet-” She paused and pressed her index finger into my chest. “And some don’t want others to know.” Plz R&R! I'll return the favor

Chapter 1

The Sound of Settling

IT WAS STRANGE because I didn't think it would hurt. It even stung a little when I lightly pressed my fingers against the small bruises on my face. It was scary when I finally found a mirror and saw what he did to me. Should I be upset? Should I tell someone? I smiled at my reflection to see if I could hide my bruises with a happy face. My hands shook nervously. I clasped down on the sink and took a deep breath. It wasn't that bad was it? I am one to exaggerate things, maybe it was me. I held my hair back into a pony tail and looked at the mirror again. No matter where I turned my head, what light switch I flicked on and off, the marks were vivid and no smile could disguise it. I let my hands drop to my sides. I reached for the tan make-up bag and fumbled through the eye shadows and such.

Foundation.

I unscrewed the bottle, dabbed the tip of my finger in the creamy foundation and then onto the bruises. Why was I hiding it? Wasn't I going to tell someone? Maybe I was guilty too and deep inside I knew that, so I was going to hide it. It was definitely that feeling, the feeling that I wasn't controlling my body anymore that I was watching in the corner of the bathroom still confused, asking how'd I did get here. I stood behind myself, staring into my own eyes. Why didn't I look worried? What's wrong with you? With me? Why are you somehow amused? Something about my busted lip, something about hand marks on my forearms was amusing. My heart pounded harder. It made me feel like this; all of this was real. I was never the one to make much sense anyways so I didn't care that I was probably losing what was left of my sanity. Speaking like that, speaking those thoughts aloud would definitely make me sound a bit crazy. If not that, then I most likely sounded like any other silly teenage girl craving more attention. Great… I'd settle for crazy.

I picked up the powdered foundation and brush. Time for the finishing touches. I swayed the brush lightly over my face at first and then circled the brush around my face. I swept across my neck, not too much, just enough to even the color. I shuffled through my bag again.

"Blush, blush, blush," I said aloud.

I pulled out a small, rectangular purple plastic box. I slid it open and rubbed my brush into the pink powder. I circled the brush over my cheek bones and gave a big smile to the mirror.

"Might as well, go all the way…" I whispered.

My smile faded into a flat line. My bottom lip quivered. No, no, no, I'm fine. Be fine, be fine! You're fine. My hand shook as I dragged the black eyeliner very gently across my top lash line. Again to the other eye, then to the bottoms of both. Tears swelled in my eyes. I fanned my eyes making sure I didn't let the tears fall, and laughed like this whole day was a cruel joke. Suddenly my eyes quickly glanced at my cell phone. Ha! I was so convincing that I actually convinced myself it was a joke! Like someone was going to call me this very second and tell me it was just an early April fool's joke. I guess it was just easier to feel fine then let myself feel like this.

Down. Falling. Sinking.

I grabbed the counter to try and stop the falling. My heart was beating lightly and my chest felt tight.

Burning. Burning.

My chest tightened even more. It burned, it was on fire. It became hotter till it felt like I was blistering from the inside because of the heat. All I thought was how it burned. This hurts…so much. I could barely breathe.

Help… Please.

My heart crumpled into dust. My eyes widened and I bared my teeth. I clenched my teeth till they made a grinding noise. No…No… I could truly sense that my heart was disappearing.

As I pressed my hands against my chest, I hoped that I could hold it together. Somehow I would push my heart back into my chest. Stay, please stay. I put more pressure onto my sternum until I felt the tiny veins burst. I didn't care if I bruised or even broke something. If I could just reach into my chest, if only I could press hard enough.

Then it was gone. My heart was not able to suffer like this anymore; it was not able to repress anything anymore. It gave up on me! I would understand if it was a person who gave up on me! But this was attached to me!

It still left.

The pain surged through my veins, into my fingertips and toes. Finally my eyes blurred from the tears clouding my vision. The tears spilled over and glided down my cheeks. I heard footsteps in the bedroom closest to me. I swiftly wiped the tears and snatched my tan bag, throwing it into the drawer. I played with my hair. First putting my hair behind my ears, and then pulled the hair back to the front, curling the strands of hair inward to frame my face. I was pretty wasn't I? This just doesn't happen to beautiful girls.

"Kari," my mother yelled from the hallway.

I didn't answer. I simply stared at myself in the mirror. I raised my hand and so did my reflection. I cupped my cheek bone, letting my cool hands relieve the heat expelling from my cheek. I replayed it in my head, what happened this morning. One single moment I replayed in my mind. All I saw was his hand reeling back in slow motion and then fly straightforward. I heard the sound loudly ring in my ear when his hand collided with my cheek. Suddenly I stood beside myself again.

It became more and more difficult to hold myself together. I hopped onto the sink, brushing the hair out of my eyes and gazed into her eyes. Well mine but subsequently not. She had hazel eyes, very normal shaped eyes. They weren't angled or big, just normal. The eyeliner shaped her eyes elegantly and the blush gave her prominent cheek bones. Her lips were almost heart shaped and semi full. Her golden brown hair touched her shoulders and flowed flatly against her beige skin tone. I reached my hand out to her. I barely touched her cheek and sensed that this is where her tears should be, if she was crying but she held them back. She didn't move; her breathing was shallow and her face expressionless. She felt so cold as if she was frozen solid.

"Kari! God damnit can't you hear me girl!?!"

As quickly as I had drifted out of my body, I was sucked back into it. I brushed off my blue tank top of any make-up powder. My white Capri pants had blush powder embedded into the rim of my right pocket. Shit. I give up, ugh. I flitted down the hall in my white socks and when I came to the end of the hall I slid on the slick wood. I pushed against the wall with my left foot to launch me towards the kitchen. I halted once I saw my mother.

"You know I hate when you do that. It leaves foot marks on the walls and is a bitch to clean. If visitors come over, they are gonna think that you can walk on walls," She said as she set mail on the counter.

I didn't want her to know anything. This was hard enough to deal with and to deal with her too would drive me over the edge, if I wasn't already over. I wanted her to see normal. No tears, no hurt and no upside down smiles. My mother was tough but she didn't handle things very well. My mother worked as a waitress and went to community college part-time. She preferred me to call her by her first name, Saira. It was impersonal but Saira said that it made more sense. I left it alone. She worked at a gentlemen's bar, serving drinks and cleaning the occasional bathroom.

The light hit her at an angle where it accented her muscles and anyone could see she was in great shape. She was gorgeous. Saira had long dark brown hair, full lips, curvy figure, and icy brown eyes.

I must resemble my dad.

I never knew my dad. Saira never told me his name or even what he looked like. Saira always yelled the same thing every time I asked her about my father, "Fuck if I know!"

I began tapping my foot on the wood floor and folded my arms, "Who cleans?"

"Smart ass," She half-smiled.

I grinned.

It hurt to try to smile.

"Someone was at the door for you, Kari. Probably long gone by now."

"For me?"

She nodded. No one ever just out of the blue showed at my door. I made it very clear to all my friends that it was vital that they called me before they came over. Saira had an occasional guy friend over and I rather avoid the awkward situations. My eyebrow rose as I approached the door. The door was slightly opened but not enough to see who was on the other side of the door. As I twisted the golden door knob, the sunset beamed at me. Bright orange, yellow and pink colors shot at my eyes and the warmth bathed my skin. The sun was so powerful and bright yet it was setting. Once the glare faded, I saw that my porch step was empty.

"They left," I exclaimed.

I peeked my head outside the door and nothing. Our front yard was small and fenced off. Blue and pink petunias lined the wooden fence. The grass overgrown and the hose laid unraveled on the lawn. I shrugged and shut the door. I can't believe it's so late. Saira will be leaving soon. In the corner of eye, I could see Saira walk out of the kitchen, bag in hand.

"I'm about to leave, so don't do anything stupid."

I rolled my eyes. Her eyebrows creased into an apprehensive frown.

She snatched my hand and shoved it in my face, "Why the hell is your finger blue Kari?!?"

Saira straightened out my forearm and her eyes blazed. My eyes blurred. My hands were shaking.

"Your your arm…" She choked out. She fixed her stare onto the blue fingerprint bruises on my wrists.

"Saira calm down, I banged my finger on the desk at school. You know I bruise easily. Let go!"

"That's a lie!"

I yanked my arm out of her grip.

"Go to work. Remember I'm not the liar in this family…"

I ambled past her. Shame set in. I slowly came to stop. I waited for the door to slam. I felt so ashamed. I turned my body towards her again. She pulled out a cigarette and lit it outside the door. She inhaled the first puff and blew out a large cloud of smoke. She stood still for awhile, her head tilted upward and after a few moments she brought the smoke back up to her lips. The smoke hesitated there at her lips.

Silence. Shame.

Her eyes glimmered in the sunset, her eyes were watery. I was frozen in time. My whole body was heavy. She simply nodded and shut the door. A sudden surge of energy pumped through my body and when it reached my knees, I took off running towards the door. I threw my body at the door and I braced my hands for the impact. The door shuddered. My finger nails dug into the wood. I wanted her to come back so badly but the damage was already done. I fell to my knees and pressed my forehead against the door.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I wept.

I tightly closed my eyes. The visions came back. I saw him again, his grayish brown hair, his white teeth, and his cold stare. He was going to haunt me forever, this would never go away. He spoke but all I could see was his mouth moving, no words. Rage flooded over me. His hand rose.

"Nooooo!!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!"

I banged my fist against the wall. I could feel my eyes bulging from my sockets. Get out of my head! Get out! In the corner of my eye, I saw a lifeless body standing behind me. I jumped up and recognized that it was me. She stood frozen like the previous times that this has happened. I wished so much that I was not her. I wish I was someone else. Being someone else would be so easy.

I stroked the door like it was a person. It was my poor pathetic way of wishing. Wishing I had more strength to chase Saira down, cry into her arms and apologize. I couldn't muster the courage. I'm not her, not the type to share pain and show weakness. I have always been that way. I felt comfort in the very thought of self understanding and with that comfort I was drawn back into my body.

Falling happened too fast to explain the sensation. Gravitating is the best word to describe the sensation of being sucked back into my body. I figured my soul was becoming detached from my body but my body still had enough strength to pull my soul back into my body. It only made sense that I was the soul or spirit and she was my body. I am going to die soon. I lost my heart and next to go is my soul, I'm sure means that I am dying. Even with all this pain, I didn't want to die but I became certain I was dying.

I didn't want it to be the end. I didn't want the last thing that I felt was loneliness and hurt. Death plagued my thoughts, the final stretch laid before me. The last thing I'd know for certain was suffering. Surprisingly I didn't find any relief in knowing that there was an end to this misery.

The end.

There was a loud knocking at the window and it scared me. I let out a small shriek and searched for the window where the knocking had come from. Nothing. I went to the back screen door and no one was there. Maybe it was a bird? I shut the curtains and closed the blinds to all the windows.

Darkness.

"Wow, I'm tired," I yawned.

My eyes floated to the hall. I clenched my hands, the tears were coming on. No, not my room. I didn't want to go back there so I plopped myself onto the little red couch. I covered myself with a knit blanket and fell into a deep sleep where I dreamt of him the entire night. I remembered where every mark came from, how every strike smoldered my skin and what it sounded like when he hit me. The nightmares were so vivid. What was worse was remembering the lack of fight in me. I slapped him first and I struggled at first with him then it faded into a fear.

I thought I would never wake up. I thrashed about all night, trying to wake up from the nightmares but I couldn't open my eyes. I was sure that I was dead, so when I finally woke up to Saira coming home, I was completely shocked. I opened my eyes as she threw down her bag in the hall. I lifted my head weakly and looked over the couch to the stove timer.

6:30

Shit! School! I'm gonna be late. I flew up with force from the couch and ran for the hallway. Saira had already beaten me to the shower, I could hear the water running and I could see the stream rise from the bathroom.

Damnit!!!!

I ran past the bathroom to my bedroom but I turned too sudden and fell on my butt. "Why are the floor so slippery?!?!?!" I rubbed my butt as I got up from the floor. Saira's laughter boomed from the bathroom. I rolled my eyes but let a small half smile escape. Brrr… It was rather chilly in the house; I rubbed my forearms and felt the goose bumps. Finally I reached my room and I pounced on my dresser.

Green shirt. Pink blouse. Long sleeved, candy striped top.

I was not in the mood for anything bright or slightly cheerful. Maybe it was the girl inside me, who made me want to look beautiful or at least try. To show him that anything he did, wouldn't affect me and make him wish he could take his actions back so he could still have me. Why couldn't stop thinking about him? I am so defective.

I snatched the green collared shirt with the navy blue breast pocket and dark blue jeans. I practically ripped off what I was wearing and roughly slithered into the clothes I picked out. I kept my old socks on from yesterday. Really? Who was going to notice I was wearing dirty socks? When I finished my look with a rusted brown belt, I stole a look in the mirror. My make up from last night was still in tacked, which pleased me. I combed my hair with my fingertips and went on my way.

"Backpack…Backpack," I said aloud.

I scanned the living room for my black book bag. I flipped the little red couch's pillows and no backpack. I had no idea why I searched under the couch cushions though. I scanned the room over and over.

Dizzy… I'm getting so dizzy.

I put my hands to my head to try and stop the spinning. I relaxed onto the couch and suddenly felt very sleepy.

"Looking for this?" I heard behind me.

Saira, the striking picture of perfection wrapped in a wet white towel. Her hair clinging to her body, soaking wet. She grinned with a Marlboro 27 in between her lips. She held my black book bag in one hand and the other hand rested on her hip.

"Oh yes," I quietly replied.

I walked over to her, head down. When I attempted to pull the bag from her hand she tugged back. I lifted my head and made eye contact. Those few seconds that we looked into each other's eyes seemed to last hours. It pained me but in some silent way we were communicating…kinda. Hopefully my eyes were telling her that I was sorry that I could never tell her what was really wrong and I think her eyes were telling me that she understood. Or I could be crazy? Eyes didn't speak, we couldn't read each other's minds and so I left it at hopeful delusion.

"You're gonna be late."

I nodded.

The bus stop was empty. I still managed to be early. An occasional crow perched on a backyard fence but flew away as I came closer to the bus stop. The sky was grey and empty. So many things I found to be full of emptiness just as I was. The street, the sidewalk, the bus stop, the sky and the list grew longer as I spent more time standing on the curb, waiting. I kept my eyes on the ground because he was coming. I focused intently on shoe laces, following the strand through each ring.

Empty. Empty feelings. Empty.

I could only let it swallow me like a giant, cold and unforgiving tide. It was the tide that the lifeguards warned all the swimmers about but only the brave and stupid went in anyways. The storm raged violently, every wave crashed on the shore like thunder and they shouted to the gods "No! Love is worth it, love is worth it!" Once they were knee deep in the freezing waters all they wanted to do was turn back but it was too late, the salty crushing sea had them now.

Lost at sea. Love didn't exist and if it did it was cruel.

I recognized his shoes walk a few steps past me. He leaned against the wall beside me and I was somewhat relieved. I didn't understand why at all. I am so hopeless… The hatred boiled inside me, not for him but for me. Pure hate and disdain filled my mind. I rotated my head to him and pursed my lips. His stare was blank and empty. The edges of his mouth curved upward. What was that? That expression smeared across his face was so unknown to me now, foreign.

He was smiling. He was happy.

Walk away Kari, simply walk away… I want to be somewhere else far away from here. I want to be in another place, somewhere I belong. Even though I repeatedly screamed no in my head and for myself to stop, I stepped closer to him.

No control. Completely no control.

My body moved and I spoke, but it wasn't me. I imagined string tied to my back and a hand in my shirt similar to a puppet or a ventriloquist's dummy.

"No matter what I think of you, somehow I know you will be a good father," I choked out.

In and out. In and out. I guided myself through deep breathing techniques. I seemed to have forgotten how to breathe. In and out. I widened my stance to sustain some type of balance because I began to experience extreme vertigo.

"You will always be mine Kari. Even when I marry her and have two more kids, I will still have you."

Extreme nausea set in. My head was spinning and it was making violent circular motions. I clutched onto his shirt and regained control of my skull.

Always rang in my ear. Yes, the gods were laughing at me now. I could hear their roaring laughter, pointing and mocking me. With every breath, I wanted to throw up. I could feel the warm liquid in my throat.

Why can't you just let me be?!?!?! Just let me rest in pieces!

I stood silently, shaking my head. He never said much so when he did decide he would talk to me, I hung on every word. He could destroy me and he'd never care. I don't think he knew. He'd be the last to notice me in a pile of destroyed youth. A cold wind blew through me, through my empty body. Breathing in was painful, strangely enough it felt like I chewed a lot of very minty gum. Every time I took a breath in, my nose burned so did my throat and my empty chest cavity.

The bus rolled up to the curb. I waited. I waited for him to nudge me to get on the bus but he stepped onto the bus without me. I sighed and the wind blew harder.

The crows squawked and fluttered away. Ah, this is sound.

I was settling for this partial relationship. Anything is better than nothing. I wiped a stray tear and stepped onto the bus. He always sat in the front of the bus and on occasion he let me set by him. As I shuffled through the small aisle on seats, I patted his shoulder so he'd scoot over.

"You think you are gonna sit here," He asked with a raised eyebrow.

I didn't feel like arguing so I sat in the seat two rows behind him. I rested my forehead on the window and let the wooziness take over again. I'm pathetic. Anything or anyone I invested any type of time and affection always let me down. Maybe I cling to him in hopes that I won't have to say I failed again. The so called Love I needed and craved since I was little was an all consuming fire of emotions. When I dreamt these dreams, the relationship was always a healthy one.

What has happened to me? Who am I anymore? I am this vacant shell of pitiable unrequited emotions. This is what I've become, a puppet and a joke. What's happening to me?

I drifted from class to class. I completed the work and listened to the mindless droning of the teachers. I found myself on the bus again but this time I didn't see him. A hand grabbed my arm and pulled me into a bus seat.

"Where do you think you are going?"

Save me…somebody please.

It was him and he was playing with my head. Pulling me and pushing me away was his method of mind games. I rolled my eyes and stood up from the seat. He yanked me back down.

"Stop," my voice was firm and stern.

I rose from the seat again. He squeezed my hand and he smiled.

"You're staying here," He said through his teeth.

"She doesn't have to do anything asshole," a strange voice demanded.

Huh? Her lips were cherry stained from the lollipop she was sucking on. The lollipop made a pop sound when quickly took it out of her mouth. She smiled annoyingly as she waited for a reply. Her eyebrows were both raised like she was daring him to say something.

"Ya heard me?"

She stuck her red lollipop in his face; she held like a gun. I looked to him for an answer. I opened my mouth to speak and I felt her hand slip into mine. She held my hand kindly and oddly enough, I didn't feel threaten.

"You can sit here," He flirted.

Her left eye twitched.

"What are the words I'm looking for? Hmm…" She brought the lollipop back up to her lips and pondered. She inched closer to his face and heaved a loud burp. Then to add insult to injury, she blew it into his face. Her smile spread across her face like butter.

"I wasn't…expecting that," I laughed.

She victoriously plopped the lollipop into her mouth. She lightly tugged my arm. I gazed into her round brown eyes, innocence radiated off her. Her eyes reminded me of Hershey's chocolate kisses; they were so welcoming. By this time, she realized I was staring at her and she stared back, only for a few seconds. It was enough time to make me feel uncomfortable and I looked away.

"Hey," She softly called.

Her face was now directly in mine, inches away from the tip of my nose. She obviously had no concept of personal space because she insisted on being as close as possible with me when talking. I took a step back.

"Come on."

She led me to the back of the bus and sat closest to the window. I couldn't stop staring at her. She was fascinating in a way. I had never met someone like her especially in this small city of Provo, Utah. She sat with her legs pressed against the seat in front of us and carried on sucking on her lollipop. I thought of the many questions she might ask me and how I'd respond but she didn't try to talk to me while we were on the bus. I kept asking myself whether I was suppose to introduce myself and ask her name, but then again if she wanted to know she probably would have asked. She never turned away from the window and I was about to leave it at that, but words leaked from my lips.

"You didn't have to do that."

That definitely wasn't what I had in mind to say. I even sounded a bit rude. I wanted to thank her, but I didn't. I knew that this was another symptom of my sickness. I was again losing control of not only my body but now my speech. I'm not okay. The control faded in and out when it came to what I was saying. As time dragged on, I could feel the control slip further and further from my fingers. It was terrifying. The daunting and imminent end seemed to lurk in every corner of my mind.

Please save me.

"I know," She plainly replied.

She still didn't turn to look at me.

"You seemed to be handling it perfectly well," She said sarcastically.

"I didn't need saving."

Finally she rolled her head lazily towards me and invaded my personal bubble. She looked at me warily. Her eyes resembled a soft glare and her eyebrow was slightly raised. Her lips parted slowly and the background noise grew fainter till it was silent.

"Everyone needs saving…some just don't know it yet-" She paused and pressed her index finger into my chest. "And some don't want others to know."

Please review! Tell me what you think. I'd love some constructive criticism. =] please no flames