Kabuto Yakushi was hard at work facilitating the devices of Orochimaru. As he was in the middle of a supply services call, there was a call made on another line.
It was Orochimaru himself.
"Kabuto! I need you to get down here right now and start kicking some ass!"
"What's going on? Where are you?" Kabuto asked.
"I'm getting my ass handed to me by head security of Konoha!" Orochimaru said impatiently.
"I'll be there immediately," Kabuto said.
Returning to his previous call, Kabuto said "I'm sorry, but we'll have to discuss consignment delivery another time."
"Wait, why are you leaving now?" The clerk asked.
"Because the man said to." Kabuto said shortly.
Kabuto arrived to give aid to the man, which was successfully implemented, leaving minimal forensic evidence. Unfortunately Kabuto's much unappreciated assistance was met only by a
"Maybe if you got your priorities straight, it wouldn't take so long."
This ungrateful response came as a piss-off after working sixteen hours behind a desk.
As if going home pissed off wasn't bad enough, Kabuto received a phone call from the clerk he had spoken to earlier. As Kabuto answered the call, he was flatly told
"Your consignment order has been cancelled." The clerk hung up.
Seething, Kabuto wrote a message for the clerk that read: 'You are the most obnoxious, insufferable, bastard I've ever had to put up with. If you know what's good for you, you won't call me again.'
Kabuto accidently misaddressed the letter, and it was received by someone else.
* * *
Maito Gai was having an intense personal session of training, when he was visited by messenger bird.
Gai breathed heavily, "Thank you." he said, taking the letter. "Probably some fan mail."
He proceeded to read Kabuto's letter.
Gai's face burned. "I'm—gonna—KILL HIM!"
Gai broke into a sprint to find the first person he'd suspect of writing this kind of letter. Kakashi.
Gai found Kakashi sitting in a lawn chair with his favorite book.
He stood over his rival, looking murderous.
"IS THIS SOME KIND OF FUCKING JOKE, HATAKE?!!" Gai yelled, holding up the letter.
"What are you talking about Gai?" Kakashi said passively, not looking up from his novel.
"Did you send me this bull shit letter?!" Gai demanded.
"Yeah, I did send you a letter." Kakashi said, still not looking away from his book.
Gai took the novel from Kakashi and tore it in half.
Kakashi instantly stood up and punched Gai in the face, hard enough to knock him down.
"Okay, now I feel a lot like kicking your ass!" Kakashi yelled.
"I accept that challenge!" Gai said. "We'll settle this with an eight hundred meter foot-race!"
A large assembly of people was gathered for the race. Lee, who had been assigned to a mission, was not able to attend. Over the tumultuous cheering Gai yelled
"You're going down Kakashi! Unlike you, I have the support of my students! Right guys?!" Gai turned to see Neji and Tenten waving flags that read: HATAKE, and yelling "YEAH! Kakashi!"
"Well Gai," Kakashi said. "Unlike you, I have the support of your students."
The race began with the firing of a starting gun. Gai was so unyielding in proving that he was better than Kakashi that he cut off the set course in order to run a much further distance. As the race came to an end, Gai cut back onto the course, and the two of them finished in a tie. The winner was announced:
"Kakashi Hatake!"
Gai was both dazed and outraged. He had run much farther than Kakashi and still had tied. He'd run much faster than Kakashi. This made Gai sure that Kakashi's win had been decided completely by bias.
Later, when Lee came back successfully from his mission, Gai relayed the story of this 'unjust' win.
"I am sorry that your victory was unfairly taken from you Gai-sensei." Lee said.
"It's a complete outrage!" Gai said. "Kakashi's so called 'triumph' was chosen exclusively on favoritism!" Gai wrung his hands. "Kakashi! He'll get through life entirely by getting things handed to him! And he'll come out ahead of me in everything—even to the grave!"
Gai's mind twisted into a horrific visualization of himself. He was an old man, standing at his rival's grave, which read: Hatake Kakashi, 1st place, got here before Gai.
"Sensei! Gai-sensei!" Lee said, shaking Gai. "You need to calm down, you are hyperventilating."
"Forget that Lee!" Gai shouted, awash in terror. "I bet Kakashi's laughing at me right now, while he's burning in hell!"
Lee took a step back, seeing that his teacher was having a hard time separating his own imagination from reality.
"But sensei, you have always taught me that to beat a rival you must train as hard as humanly possible, and always believe in yourself!"
"That's just what bothers me." Gai said. "I trained hard, I believed in myself more than I ever have, and still he beat me. The only way that could possibly be explained is completely impossible."
"And what is that explanation?" Lee asked.
Gai sighed. "That Kakashi is the better ninja."
* * *
Meanwhile, Kabuto was doing what any person with a self-righteous, ungrateful boss who doesn't give a rat's ass about them despite their working sixteen hours a day, seven days a week, constantly on call. He was sitting alone, on a park bench, with a coffee.
He held up the Styrofoam cup, and said "Here's to having a boss who puts value in my life based on my usefulness."
When Kabuto got home he felt a discontentment with his life, which could only be ignored with the assistance of entropy.
He opened his laptop computer to look around the internet, and see if he could find something vaguely interesting.
The best thing he was able to find was someone's plea for advice. The person in need, though Kabuto didn't know, was Maito Gai.
The plea was: I'm in a depressive slump. My arch rival and I had an eight hundred meter race to settle a score. In my determination to prove that I was the better man, I cut of course and took a longer route. Then, running back onto the course, I dashed through the finish, and the two of us tied. I had run a longer distance, at a much faster pace, but the victory was awarded to my adversary! I desperately need some professional help. But I don't know how even the best doctor could explain why a superior effort would lose to a partiality.
Noticing that all of the responses were things like
'Are you kidding?'
'Retard '
And
'Get off the internet.'
Kabuto decided to write a response. "I'm a doctor, but this issue doesn't really need a professional opinion. The judging wasn't biased, and your rival isn't necessarily any better than you are. Running an extra distance off of the track and still tying does take a superior effort, but running off the track or out of your lane is an illegal move in a race, and would actually be counted as not running the full distance. You weren't outrun, you were disqualified."
Gai, who had been waiting at the computer for hours after posting his question, was relieved to know that Kakashi wasn't 'necessarily' better than him. He immediately wrote back
"You've made my day! Boy you doctors must not have any problems of your own."
Receiving the instant response Kabuto wrote
"I wouldn't say that. Actually I've been having a lot of trouble with my boss lately. I work the hardest of anyone, but still get that 'can't you do anything right' treatment."
Gai decided to return the favor of giving advice. He wrote
"I'm sure your boss doesn't mean anything by it, he just wants to run a tighter ship around his work place. Just try to understand that as the boss he has the most important role there is in your business, the role of leadership. And any mistake made is his responsibility."
Gai sent his message, and prepared to challenge his rival to a rematch.
As for Kabuto, he decided that it wouldn't hurt to take Gai's advice. The next time Kabuto saw Orochimaru he said
"I'm sorry if I've made things difficult for you lately. I've been so caught up in my own work, that I didn't think of how hard it must be, to be the one in charge. I can't imagine what a day in the life of the boss is like."
Orochimaru looked amused by this apology. "Well I hope you've learned your lesson Kabuto, but I'm glad you asked. Well the first thing I do is
Talk to corporate! –like a boss!
Approve memos—like a boss!
Lead a workshop—like a boss!
Remember birthdays—like a boss
Direct work flow—like a boss!
My own bathroom—like a boss!
Micromanage—like a boss!
Promote synergy—like a boss
Try out for "styled"—like a boss!
Get rejected—like a boss!
Swallow sadness—like a boss!
Send some faxes—like a boss
Binge on chocolate—like a boss!
Cry deeply—like a boss!
Balance my hormones—like a boss!
Eat a bagel –like a boss
Harassment lawsuit—like a boss!
Restraining order—like a boss!
Fifth of vodka –like a boss!
Crank call "styled" staff –like a boss
Coming out—like a boss!
To a friend—like a boss!
Oh fuck me, I can't fuckin' do it, shit!
Pussy out!—Like a boss!
Piss off "styled" fans—like a boss!
Jump out the window—like a boss!
Try on lipsticks—like a boss
Drink a "coke"—like a boss!
Crash my car—like a boss!
Watch a chick-flick—like a boss!
Eat some chicken strips—like a boss
Too much blush wine—like a boss!
Black out in the sewer—like a boss!
Meet Robert Pattenson—like a boss!
Have a cat fight—Like a boss
Turn into a jet—like a boss!
Bomb the hidden leaf—like a boss!
Crash into the sun—like a boss!
Now I'm dead—like a boss
Kabuto stared half-disgustedly at the man sitting on a sofa in front of him.
"So that's the average day for you— you crash into the sun and die?" Kabuto asked.
"That's right." Orochimaru said. "Being in charge isn't as easy as it may look."
"Well, this was eye-opening for me." Kabuto said.
"But you have earned some rest, so I'll give you tomorrow off." The boss said.
Kabuto was dismissed. He went to get some sleep.
Sighing, Kabuto said "That's what I get for trusting something I read on the internet. Fucking monkey gives me career advice."
THE END