Intentions
He never intended to see him ever again. He had every intention of seeing him again. This debate had raged in his mind for months. He physically ached to see him again. His hands were desperate to reach out and touch him just one more time. He didn't think he could restrict himself to just touching. At the same time, he knew his hands were destined to smack him upside the head if he even came close to him, and he didn't think he could stop at one sharp, thump. He is afraid he will hurt him. He is afraid he will hate him. He is afraid he will love him. He is afraid he will forgive him instantly. He wants to forgive him instantly. He never ever wants to forgive him.
Christ, his head is a noisy place. Sometimes he thinks fuck it all, he'll just go to him, no plan or probabilities, and see what happens. And then he remembers the fight all over again and he feels cold, so god damned cold and ripped open. A hurt that never heals.
Despite what he wants or doesn't want he knows he will see him again. It's a plain and simple fact that their line of work will see them cross paths again. That stupid outdated flip phone is proof of that. A time will come when all of earth's mightiest heroes will need to come together and work together for the greater good, or some shit like that.
When it happens it's soon, far too soon and it is so epically fucked up that there isn't a single bit of him that can comprehend how everything has gone so very, very wrong. His heart, so damaged, so broken in the past, is shredded. He can't breathe. He is at once numb all over and on fire with pain.
He is hurtling towards Earth in an alien ship with, a woman? A cyborg? by his side. He hasn't bothered to find out who she is really. He can't handle small talk, he is in too much pain to really care, but he can tell she is hurting so for this reason he trusts her to be on their side. Whoever "their" is because he has no idea who is left. He doesn't want to think about it. It's all he can think about.
He reckons there is a good chance they'll burn up on entry and then it will be over. The pain will be gone and he'll never have to know if he, if they, if. He can't finish that thought. He is sick to his stomach, weakened by too little food in space, and too much grief.
A voice in his ear terrifies the shit out of him, he jumps, sending the cyborg woman into a defensive position. It's Friday, garbled, unclear but he hears enough, Wakanda will provide sanctuary. He doesn't question it but enters the coordinates he is given for Wakanda. They have a tractor beam he thinks he hears or something that will get them on to earth safely. His first is thought thank god, his second is nononononoononono. He isn't strong enough to know more. The last of his strength faded to dust with the kid, the kid whose name he can't say, the name he never intends to say again, but his eyes – those terrified eyes will be forever etched into his memory.
He thinks he blacks out, he isn't sure but he wakes up a drip in his arm, laying in a sterile room. He sits up too fast, his stomach turns, and he flails about but he is caught by warm arms, human and so full of life that he honest to god whimpers.
"Hey, Tony" is all Bruce can say as he pulls him close. He wants to cry, he feels like he will but a sudden resolve comes over him. He fights the tears, a sudden need to know more and a resilience to be able to handle it startles him into action. Maybe it's the inventor in him, his natural inquisitiveness coming to the fore as he leaves the safety of Bruce's arms.
He looks around Bruce. He doesn't know who or what he expects to see. He tries to find his voice, he hears Bruce clear his throat. 'Tony, we, eh, won't don't know about Pepper. Communications are down. The news is patchy at best."
Tony breathes the news in. He is steeling himself, practicing some mindful technique Pepper had taught him years ago. Deep down he knows she is ok. He doesn't know how he just feels it.
He is just about to find his voice when the door bursts open and Natasha comes in. She looks wrecked, far more tired than he has ever seen her. His heart skips to see that she lives and skips again when he finds his arms filled with a quivering Black Widow and that's when he knows it's bad. Obviously, he knows it's bad, it's fucked beyond comprehension, but a shaking Romanoff? That's the 8th circle of hell.
He pulls back slowly whispers "Clint?" "we don't know" comes her reply, more emotion in her voice than he has ever heard from her before. His heart is thumping now, borderline racing as she slowly says 'Sam, Barnes they're both, they are gone. Steve, Steve" but she doesn't get to finish. That's when Tony temporary calm breaks, he pulls away, tries to move from the bed but his panicked retreat is hindered by the drip.
Bruce reaches for him, a steadying presence "he's alive Tony, he's alive" and Tony feels for all the world like he did when the shrapnel was killing him and the reactor was placed in his chest – an overwhelming relief, an overflow of air to his lungs, but stars circling in his head from the sudden whoosh of air flooding him. Something isn't right. He can see it in their eyes.
Natasha takes his hand "Bucky came for him when it happened but he was gone before Steve could reach him. He, he isn't ok Tony. Wanda, Vision they are gone, so many are gone. He has lost his fight, Tony. He has given up".
Tony is lightheaded. Steve doesn't give up, that's not who he is but then he really thinks about it.
For all the times he wanted to punch Steve over Bucky he knows what that loss means to him. Steve gave up everything for Barnes. Gave it all up and more. Christ, he gave up love for his old friend. And Tony hates Barnes so damn much and at times he hated Steve for going to him but he can feel his pain, or at least imagine it. He thinks of the kid, the one whose name he won't say, and he feels that agony tear at his soul.
70 years lost. Peggy. The Commandos. Bucky once. Bucky twice. Steve kept his hope alive despite all of that loss, despite all of the shit life has thrown at him. Tony thought he was invincible, but even the greatest of hope can be broken. Everyone has a breaking point.
Tony reaches for the catheter in his arm, determined to pull the drip free but Bruce stops him "you should know, he isn't healing. He took a lot of hits fighting Thanos but he isn't sleeping. He won't eat. It's screwing with his regenerative ability."
He thinks of Steve fighting Thanos. He can imagine him tackling him all alone, brave Steve, selfless to the point of stupidity.
"We'll fix him up. Where is he?" and it is said with such certainty that the others in the room feel a resolve come over them.
He holds out his arm for Bruce to remove the catheter, barely sparing a minute for him to put pressure on a plaster.
Tony wobbles slightly as he gets off the bed, both Bruce and Natasha steady him.
They walk slowly but steadfastly through the hospital corridors and in a flash, faster than Tony thought possible he is scooped up into the powerful arms of Thor "thank the gods" is all he says. His embrace is so tight it is close to painful but Tony doesn't mind. It feels good, it feels safe. He senses something different about Thor. A power that wasn't there before. He wants to know more but he doesn't have time now, he has only one place to be.
Together they go to Steve's room. Tony looks through the window before opening the door. He chest heaves another massive sigh when he sees Rhodey on guard beside Steve's bed. Rhodes looks up and out at him. A look passes between them, a look only people who have been friends for this long can understand.
As Tony slowly pushes the door open his breath catches at the sight of Steve Rogers, America's stalwart and brave Captain, huddled in the bed, his arms in bandages, bruising all down the side of his face that is visible. He knows there are more injuries, he expects a full report later on.
He moves close to the bed, but not close enough to startle. "Steve" he says softly and then a stronger "Steve" when he gets no response. He moves even closer, placing his hand on Steve's ankle.
He never intended to see him ever again. He had absolutely intended to see him again. In his worst nightmares, he couldn't have imagined it would be like this under these circumstances. Every cross word, every curse, every punch, every unforgiven thought has been chased from his mind.
It's his turn to be strong, even if his heart is breaking. He reaches out for Steve's shoulder; a gentle shake gets his attention. Steve looks at him with confused, glassy eyes. He doesn't dare hope. He has nothing left to hope with, but then Tony is reaching for him, pulling him into his arms, tears falling from both of their eyes.
Tony sobs when Steve brokenly whispers "I can go now, I asked him to let me see you before I went". Tony's blood runs cold "who Steve, who did you ask?" "I asked God, asked him to let me dream of you one last time before I die. I can do that now, I can go to all of you. I'll be with you all then."
Behind him, Tony can hear the choked-out sobs of Natasha, the pained gasps from Bruce and Thor. He can't go to them, they'll have to take care of themselves for now. He has one focus. One job to do.
Tony feels anything but strong. He is uncertain about everything, frightened about the future, devastated by the past but he puts everything he has left into his voice "you listen to me Steven Rogers, you are not going anywhere. You do not get to die, God did not send me. I am here, right now and you are going to see me and know it. We lived Steve, god knows why we keep getting chances to, but we survived. And we are going to keep on surviving."
There is a startled look in Steve's eyes, a hint of being in the present but still so very lost so Tony runs his hand over Steve's head, running his fingers through his hair in a way that Steve always loved, that always made him feel relaxed and it's then that something in Steve snaps "Tony?" The small, questioning voice is enough to bring everyone in the room to tears "it's me sweetheart" he assures him "it's me".
"Everyone's gone Tony, everyone" Steve pitifully croaks. "Not everyone" and Tony leans in placing gentle kisses on his forehead. He reaches to wipe away the tears from Steve's face when more begins to well his eyes "I'm so tired Tony, Buck, Bucky, and" he falls into incoherent sobs "I know sweetheart, I know but we'll get through this. I don't know how but I swear we will". Steve's sobs become violent; wracking his body as 70 plus years of pent up agony is released. Tony holds on tighter, wrapping himself around every inch of Steve's body. He won't let go until the tears stop. His own are falling, mixing with Steve's. They'll have so much to talk about; so much to figure out. But he has every intention of making it work.