"What You Believe"
by Andrea S.
Disclaimer: All characters are property of Y&R.
Do you believe you can look at a person without really seeing them?
I know, weird question, right? But I'm looking at Colleen Carlton across the coffee shop, a person I've known of but not really known, for years- and I don't recognize her. The same brown hair, the same blue-green eyes and princess attitude, I mean it's all there, but...there's suddenly so much more. She's sitting at a table with Professor Korbel. I'm not too sure about the guy, but maybe I'm just kinda protective when it comes to my friend- it's not like I have a lot. But that's what Colleen has become to me. Despite everything I've done to her, all our history, she still somehow manages to forgive me. I just don't know if I can forgive myself.
She laughs suddenly at something the professor says, and I feel myself smiling. Her laughter is like a breath of fresh air. When you hear it, all you can think of is ways to coax the sound out of her again. I've made an ass out of myself a couple of times, trying to make her laugh. But when she does- it's always worth it.
You can see a person, you know, see what they look like physically, but still miss all the really important stuff. There are a lot of things I still don't know about Colleen, but if it's like everything else I've seen in her- I know it will be beautiful.
Do you believe you can spend a lifetime wishing you could change a single moment?
I mean, a whole lifetime, wow. That's a long time to live with regret. But I'm beginning to think it's a very real possibility. I'm stealing glances at Colleen Carlton, the girl I loved. And still do. She's leaning close to that scum, Korbel. But then that's my fault. I can't help thinking that by kicking her out, I sent her straight into the arms of the last guy I wanted to see her with. It disgusts me, thinking about them together, his hands all over her. It's all my fault. How can I ever forgive myself?
I hear her laugh, and the sound knocks the wind out me. It's care-free, like she's the happiest person in the whole world. I used to be able to make her laugh like that. Now whenever I see her, there's only silence.
You can spend a lifetime trying to change things. But I know no matter what I say, what I do- there are just some things that will always be broken.
Do you believe you can ever exist without living?
It's not a trick question. Believe me, if I hadn't experienced it myself, I wouldn't believe it was possible. I'm studying Colleen Carlton, the woman I've come to believe is my soul mate, and I realize how different my life would be had I never met her. I can't recall what it was like before she came into my life. I don't want to. Her beauty, her courage, her fire; she is the kind of woman poets wrote epics about and kings waged war for. The fact that she would choose me above all others both humbles and amazes me. She deserves everything, and I'd never be able to forgive myself if I gave her any less.
I try to be witty, and she graciously laughs. The sound makes my heart soar. Sometimes I wish I could bottle it like a rare vintage, and sip it when the world begins to intrude on the bubble of happiness I've found with Colleen.
You can live without ever truly being alive, and I'm suddenly reminded of a quote that struck me many years ago: "Love isn't put in your heart to stay- love isn't love til you give it away."
Do you believe you can have more than one love?
I think about it sometimes, wondering how else I could come to be where I am in my life. Currently, that would be nursing a cafe americano and sitting beside Adrian, the man I'm hopelessly and happily in love with. He makes a comment, and I can't help but laugh. He's so amazing. I think I love him more everyday. Then I look up, and see two faces I recognize. J.T. is morose and quickly looks away, and I'm struck by feelings of sadness. Will he ever find happiness? I don't know. Kevin is friendly, and waves shyly at me from behind the counter. I feel a sense of kindred spirits. Will he always be my friend? I think he will.
Then I look at Adrian. He holds my hand and smiles, and I'm overwhelmed by a feeling of completion. Will he always love me? He kisses me, and I know he will.
There are things in my past I wish I could change, and my future isn't clear, but all you can do is forgive the past, live in the moment and hope for the best. And for now, in this moment, I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be.
Author's notes: I wanted to experiment with writing different character voices, and had this idea for a drabble a couple days ago; thinking about the speculation with the men in Colleen's life, past, present and future. Lol, I'll leave it to you, the reader, to draw what you may from this. This should at least tide you over until TPoT comes back from beta. Please let me know what you thought!