Ha! I also write Kirby stories! What? You didn't know that? Well, now you do! Leave a review, whether you liked this or hated it, and enjoy!
"Hey! You! You're getting all that dust on the chair! And you! You know that you need to mop the whole room and not just that one corner, right? Well, get to it!"
Escargon crossed his arms and watched the waddle dees scurry by with an annoyed frown. King Dedede had disappeared earlier that day and, out of boredom, he'd taken to bossing around the waddle dees as he wandered through various rooms and hallways. As beneficial as that was in general for the castle – he'd just stopped some ignorant waddle dee from replacing perfectly good roses with daffodils. Daffodils! – it did little to satiate his boredom.
"What fun is there in life if I'm unable to harass the king?" he sighed to himself, then slunk away. Escargon headed down a hallway, snapping at a waddle dee for running past him too quickly, unable to help but feel lonely. Who would have thunk, in a castle filled with innumerable crazy creatures, that one would have nothing to do?
It only took a few minutes to realize he was being followed. Escargon narrowed his eyes, then stopped abruptly and whirled around. The hallway was still empty, save for the scuttling beige waddle dees. Folding his arms, he cautiously turned back around and continued down the hallway. At least being stalked was slightly more interesting than, well, not being stalked, so he decided not to halt the offending behaviour.
This decision would haunt him for the rest of the day.
After a few more minutes, Escargon glanced back again. Still there was nobody. The corner of his mouth tugged up into a smirk and he continued, but at a faster pace. Whoever was following him seemed to be doing a good job of keeping up while simultaneously closing in. That singled out the most likely candidate.
Escargon ducked into a doorway and waited for his stalker to catch up. When he found himself still alone, he changed his tactic and began going down the hall in the opposite direction. Now the roles were reversed. He closed in on the stalker very quickly, thanks to the stalker not being awfully good at creeping backwards. At some point in their backpedalling, they hadn't noticed the table with a vase on it that had mysteriously been moved to the middle of the hall by some incompetent waddle dee and when Escargon finally spotted them, they were sprawled on the floor in a puddle of water and were yelling at some poor passing waddle dee.
"Well, well, well, what have we here?" Escargon chuckled, marching right up to his stalker and sizing them up. "Were you having fun following me, your majesty?"
King Dedede crossed his arms and put on a defiant grin. "You have no evidence that that's what I've been doing! Accusing your king of such an activity is rather low of you, Escargon!"
Shaking his head, Escargon held out a hand to King Dedede and said, "You're a mess. Why don't we get you out of this here puddle – "
Having lived in the castle for so many years meant that Escargon was used to the king's antics, so he had already anticipated and prepared for the hammer that came out and swung at him the moment he grasped Dedede's hand. He hopped backwards and ducked after the king swung it sideways in rebound.
"May I ask what you're doing, your majesty?" Escargon asked as he sidestepped again.
"Shut up!" yelled Dedede, swinging the hammer at Escargon's shell. That was when it dawned on Escargon what the king could be after.
"Sir, I certainly hope you have enough decency that you're not trying to get me out of my shell again!" Escargon exclaimed. He skittered backwards a bit more, putting a chair between them in defence. Dedede rested the hammer against his shoulder and let out a hearty laugh.
"Keep hoping!" He casually walked around Escargon in a wide arc and, too late, Escargon realized that he was cornering him. He suddenly found himself trapped in the corner made by the chair against the wall, his only escape blocked by Dedede.
The king brought his face in uncomfortably close to Escargon's, his mouth twisted in a grin. "You're a hermaphrodite, aren'tcha? I'm awfully curious as to what that looks like."
"Just look at a slug or something!" Escargon said defiantly, pressing himself against the wall. "Let's not sacrifice my decency for a biology lesson!"
Dedede drew in even closer. "No, let's."
"Your majesty?" came the high-pitched voice of Commander Waddle Doo. "Where would you like your shipment of lilacs?"
Thankful for the timely distraction, Escargon shoved the king aside and rushed down the hallway, knocking over Waddle Doo in the process. He could hear an irritated, "Oi! Escargon!" behind him but he ignored the king in favour of gaining some ground. A good thing, too, for Dedede was after him in a moment, his hammer cocked over his head.
"Come on, just one little peek! Why you so dead against this?"
"Because that's one boundary I refuse to cross with you, your majesty!"
Escargon threw himself into the nearest room and slammed the door behind him, then put his weight up against it. Sure enough, he felt the powerful thump of the king throwing himself against the closed door. He gritted his teeth and braced himself for the inevitable strike of the hammer.
"Come, now, Escargon," came the king's voice, muffled slightly by the door between them, "you've seen me naked! It's only fair if you reciprocate!"
"Yes, well..." Escargon repositioned himself against the door to better keep it shut. "...that's only when you takes baths or the like, and you don't see me explicitly staring at your – " He paused, searching for the most delicate word. " – parts."
There was a brief silence; then Dedede asked, "Aren't we close enough for this?" His voice took on a teasing tone. "Don't you love me, Escargon?"
Escargon tried not to blush, despite being alone in the room. "Yes, well, I'm still not going naked for you, your majesty! You just have to accept that!"
Then there was a prolonged silence. Escargon could still feel the king's presence behind the door, so, with a sinking feeling, he realized he must have struck out. He quickly surveyed the room, searching for an escape route. No such luck – this room had no windows, being an inner room, and there weren't any doors that could lead to elsewhere. In Escargon's opinion, this castle had way more rooms than they could take care of, and the waddle dees were awfully expensive to be cleaning never-used rooms. Couldn't Dedede move out and get a new place? One in which every room could be escaped from?
The silence was beginning to scare Escargon. "Y-your majesty," he stammered, "I'm sorry if that may have seemed harsh, but you need to realize – "
"Have your way, Escargon," Dedede interrupted. "I know that you don't care about how I feel, but you could have at least had the heart to be more gentle about it." There was a strange softness to the king's voice and a bitter edge to his words. "See you later." Then Escargon could hear Dedede's heavy footsteps plodding away.
"No, wait!" he burst out in a pleading voice. "I'm sorry! Don't go! Your majesty!" But the king was already gone. Escargon let out a long sigh and deflated against the door. Had he really hurt Dedede's feelings? Sure, not much fazed him, but he did have an emotional side.
No, that couldn't be it! This had to be some sort of trick! The moment Escargon opened the door, he'd get his head smashed in by that abnormally large hammer of Dedede's and Dedede would laugh at him for his stupidity. Sucking in a breath, Escargon slowly pulled open the door and peeked out. No Dedede. He slunk out of the room and glanced up and down the hall. The king truly had gone.
"Oh, now you've done it!" Escargon muttered to himself, shaking his head. "He may never forgive you for this! But what could I have done? I can't show myself for him, no matter what!"
But a small part of him wished that he would stop being a scared fool and just get it over with. Dedede was right – they probably were close enough with each other to see each other naked. Besides, they weren't young and immature – at least, not too immature. Dedede likely wouldn't tease him about it for too long...
It was too late to be regretting his decision. Escargon sighed heavily and turned away to head back off into boredom. Hopefully the waddle dees wouldn't perform their jobs flawlessly, or Escargon would have no one to yell at. With thoughts of a crestfallen Dedede in his mind, he walked away down the hall.
Dedede couldn't help but chuckle to himself as he rushed away, once again ignoring Waddle Doo. His plan was brilliant, flawless. That stupid Escargon thought that he walked off weeping, but he had had no idea that Dedede was only trying to suppress a laugh! In no time at all, Escargon would be shell-less for the viewing pleasure of everyone in the castle rather than just for Dedede, as Dedede had so graciously offered to him initially. And everyone in the castle was going to help Dedede.
It put a damper on his mood when the first person Dedede saw was Fumu and her group, but he marched straight up to her, her brother, and Kirby nevertheless. She already had her arms crossed and an eyebrow raised in suspicion. It always annoyed the king how untrusting she always was of him, even after the whole Nightmare fiasco, especially after how much effort he tired to put into their friendship. Well, it wasn't that much effort, to be fair – maybe his effort consisted of insulting her and her family a bit less – but he was still trying.
"Good morning Fumu, Bun, Kirby," Dedede greeted, allowing his triumphant smirk to stay on his face. Bun turned his head up to him and Fumu continued to look untrusting. Kirby smiled his oblivious little smile and returned the greeting with a cheerful, "Poyo!"
"'Morning, your majesty," Bun replied casually. "Heard you chasing Escargon around again a while ago. Is he still alive?"
The king laughed – partially because he laughed often and partially at how easy this was looking to be. "And kicking, I'll have you know!" Dedede shrugged and continued down the hall. "Heartless as ever."
"How is Escargon the heartless one?" Fumu retorted after him, and it took all of the king's will not to pump his fist.
He glanced back with a hurt smile. "It doesn't really matter. Not that you'd care, anyways."
Fumu must have been able to tell that she was being set up, but she went for the bait, anyways. "No, I'd like to know. What horrible wrong has he done you?"
"Well..." Dedede turned back to face them and tried to make his voice sound downcast. "You know how I've asked him in the past if he would remove his shell so that I may see him naked?"
"You asked him again?" Bun asked, snickering. Always the crude one, Dedede noted.
"You guess correctly, Bun. But I hardly doubt a child like you would really understand."
"Poyo?" Kirby asked. Dedede had to wonder how much Kirby really understood. Was this whole 'cutesy little poyo-saying baby' just a ploy so that he could feign obliviousness? Was 'poyo' a swear word in whatever language puffballs spoke?
"Well, if you're curious, Kirby," Dedede said, humouring the pink thing while advancing his plot, "I'll have you know that my wish to see Escargon without his shell is not a matter of rude curiousity, but rather a real, romance-related wish."
Fumu's eyebrow seemed to go up a bit higher. Any more and it might fly off her head, Dedede thought. "Oh, yeah?"
"You see..." Dedede put a hand over his chest and closed his eyes, for effect. "...Escargon and I often act distant, and it bothers me. I've been putting an awful lot of effort into this relationship, but he's always refusing to be intimate." Pause. "He never trusts me when I just want to show simple affection, like holding hands or putting a hand on his shoulder."
Dedede could see a spark of recognition in Fumu's eyes, though he couldn't see Bun's under the boy's mess of hair and Kirby still looked oblivious. He had deliberately added that last example because there had been an occasion the kids witnessed where Escargon got into an argument with him after he had put an arm around his shoulders but was shoved away. Of course, the argument ended with Escargon getting a hammer to the head, but it was the content that counted, not the outcome.
"What's more is that I've let him see me without my clothing," Dedede went on, "but when I ask kindly for him to remove his shell in return, he always refuses and runs off to slam a door in my face. I may be the cruelest tyrant this land has ever seen, but even I have my limits with how much abuse I can take." He sighed and shook his head. "It doesn't matter. You're just kids. You wouldn't understand."
The king turned away again and began to walk off when Fumu said those magic words.
"Your majesty, hold up a second!"
The kids and Kirby came over to him, all looking slightly pitying. Any other time, Dedede would have loved to smack those expressions off their faces – well, he of course wouldn't hit a child, but he'd think about it – but now he could have hugged them. It was perfect. They had been completely drawn in. Even, somehow, Kirby.
"Look," Fumu began, "we may just be kids, but we're not too stupid not to understand romance and when something's just not right. I mean..." She looked awkward and rubbed an arm. "I know it's not too good to get caught up in someone's personal affairs, but I guess in this case it's different."
It was Dedede's turn to raise an eyebrow. "You just want to see Escargon naked, don't you?"
Fumu instantly turned red. "No, that's not – "
Bun interrupted her. "Yep. That's it exactly." Fumu gave him a reproachful glare and put her hands on her hips, but Dedede laughed.
"I'm certain you're curious too," he chuckled. "Meddling kids are always curious about lewd things!"
"That's..." Fumu began to say, but even she knew that she had no reasonable defence. "Alright then, Dedede. What do you want us to do about it?"
Dedede began to walk away again, but this time he wasn't planning on stopping. "Oh, it doesn't really matter. Maybe just mention it to other people, and if you see him, get him to come to me? Do whatever you'd like."
Behind him, Dedede could hear the kids discussing what they were going to do. Fumu, of course, voiced some skepticism, but she added that she might be a tad curious about what Escargon looked like under that shell. Before he was even out of earshot, Dedede could hear the kids running off. His plan was going just as expected. Escargon wouldn't know what hit him!
Meta Knight leaned back in his armchair, watching Channel DDD on TV. Dedede was beating up a Kirby puppet and, subsequently, Escargon's hand underneath the cloth. The lines were terrible, the camera work was lousy, and the entire channel in general was rubbish, but Blade and Sword seemed to like it. Besides, it wasn't like Meta Knight had anything better to do. He often felt like a knight out of a job. What was he to do when there were no more demon beasts to fight?
Suppressing a yawn, he asked, "Would either of you like to practice sword-fighting out – "
"Shh!" Sword hissed, his eyes glued to the screen. Blade was silent, giving no sign that he had even heard Meta Knight. Grumbling to himself, Meta Knight got up and began pacing at the back of the room. Could he fight Kirby, perhaps? That was really more of a chore than a pastime, but the puffball was getting better by the day...
There came a knock on the door and Meta Knight paused a moment before going to open it. Who was there but Kirby, all smiles and happiness.
"Ah, Kirby," Meta Knight said, hardly surprised by the coincidence. Kirby often showed up from time to time, being that he, too, lived at the castle. Sooner or later, he would have had to appear while Meta Knight was thinking of him. "What brings you here?"
"Poyo!" Kirby said enthusiastically. "Poyo poyo, poyo poyy poyo!" The pink puffball ran around to Meta Knight's backside and poked his back a few times for emphasis, then ran back to face Meta Knight. "Poyo, poyo poyo poyo poyo, poyy poyo. Poyo poyo poyo, poyy!" Kirby smiled again then dashed out the door, gone as abruptly as he had come.
Meta Knight stood still for a moment, then pulled off a glove. With his other hand, he lifted the edge of his mask. He closed his eyes and wiped at them with his ungloved hand, then replaced his mask and put the glove back on. Sword and Blade, having lost interest in the TV due to a commercial break, now watched Meta Knight curiously.
"Sir, are you alright?" Sword asked, getting up off the floor. "What did he say?"
Meta Knight wavered, one hand on the doorknob, ready to close the door. Instead, he pulled it open a little more. What Kirby had said... Perhaps it was just the way he told it to him, but...
"Sir?" Sword repeated, then turned off the TV and walked over. "Are you feeling quite yourself?"
"Sword, Blade, we're leaving," Meta Knight said unexpectedly. The two knights exchanged bewildered looks. "We're going to find Escargon and make him pay."
"What are you talking about?" Blade sputtered. "Pay for what?!"
Meta Knight was already out of the door. "I'll explain on the way. Come along, you two." And with that, he vanished down the hall. Sword shrugged at Blade, then followed. After a moment of cursing and resisting just turning on the TV again, Blade got up and dragged his feet to the door.
Escargon was slumped in a chair in the dining hall, feeling too crummy about himself to even raise his voice at the waddle dee who kept dropping plates, when Fumu found him.
"Hey, Escargon!" she yelled, putting her hands on her hips. The sharp edge in her voice caused Escargon to jump but he just scowled at her.
"Get out of here, girl!" he snapped, waving a hand. "Go play with Kirby or something. I don't have time for your nonsense."
Fumu glared, then marched over to him and stomped hard on his tail.
"Owowowowow!" he screeched, falling backwards in his chair. "What's the big idea, Fumu?! Leave me alone!"
"You're awful," said Fumu crossly. "Why did have to be like that to King Dedede? Sure, he can be mean sometimes, but he likes you so much and you won't even take off your shell for him? How is that even fair in the slightest?"
Escargon had picked himself up, but he now felt like curling up back on the floor. "I know, I know! But I'm really sensitive about being nude and – " Then it struck him that Fumu had said far more than she should know. "Wait a second, how'd you know all that?!"
"The king told me," she replied simply.
"Don't you see?! You were set up!" Escargon paced back and forth, terror growing within him. Of course Dedede hadn't really felt bad! He had come up with a way to get back at Escargon instead. "How many people did he tell? Oh, this is awful! He must be doing this so everyone will mob up and force me to take off my shell!" He dashed over to Fumu and gripped her shoulders, his eyes wide. "You've gotta help me! If his plan succeeds – "
"What makes you think I'll help you?" Fumu asked, shoving away his arms. "Dedede has a point, y'know. It's really not nice of you to be so selfish!"
Escargon backed away, then balled his hands into fists. "Come on, Fumu, you're not stupid! You know that he tricked you!"
"Of course, you idiot! But at the same time..." She shrugged. "You're mean, loud, and bossy. This is an opportune moment to get back at you." Then, to Escargon's horror, she smiled slyly. "And we never did get to see what you look like under your shell for longer than a few seconds..."
"That's – " Escargon didn't even bother finishing his statement. Instead, he shoved his way past Fumu and rushed out of the room. Behind him, he could hear her yelling about something or other. He turned down a corridor and kept running. How many people were after him? Just Fumu and Bun? Their parents, maybe? The knights? God forbid – the waddle dees?! He was done for!
He skidded to a halt to avoid hitting Kirby, and started backpedalling when he realized that the puffball wasn't after him.
"Poyo!" Kirby said to him happily. "Poyo poyo poyy poyo!"
"What a relief it's just you," sighed Escargon. "Don't scare me like that!"
There came the sound of armour clanging and Escargon was suddenly face-to-face with all three knights. Meta Knight was giving him the darkest leer Escargon had ever seen, and he backed away slowly.
"I apologize, sir," Meta Knight said, putting a hand on the hilt of Galaxia, "but I must oppose anyone who betrays the king."
"Is it so bad that I don't want to be seen naked?!" Escargon exclaimed, backing away faster. "Surely you understand that, you perpetually masked puffball?!"
Meta Knight tightened his grip on Galaxia. "It is all about context, sir. Now, you can come with me quietly, or – "
Escargon didn't stick around for him to finish speaking and chose instead to zoom back the way he came. He was breathing so hard that he couldn't hear if Meta Knight was following, but if he was, he'd be caught in a few seconds. Inexplicably, puffballs were rather fast.
He took another turn and nearly collided with Lololo and Lalala, who started shouting insults after him. He had to swerve sharply to avoid Lord Parm and Lady Memu and tried to block out the threats that they were screeching. It was like there were people closing in on all sides, and he didn't doubt that most, if not all of them, just wanted to see him naked or to take revenge for anything he'd done to them in the past. How did they even keep track of that?! He certainly couldn't remember who he insulted and why!
"There you are!" Fumu suddenly appeared from behind a potted plant and she practically leapt at Escargon in an attempt to tackle him.
"Leave me alone!" Escargon wailed, dashing off past her. Was he in the wrong franchise? The way people were popping up, it felt more like Pokémon!
He didn't know how he managed it, but he was able to keep running for another ten minutes, at the least. His body felt like the jelly that was usually served for dessert, though he imagined the others didn't feel much better. Why were they still chasing him? Were they really that desperate to see him derobed?!
Then he turned a corner, and a squad of about thirty waddle dees were waiting for him, headed by Commander Waddle Doo.
"Seize him!" Waddle Doo squeaked, and Escargon found himself caught in a storm of flying waddle dees. The next thing he knew, he was being half-dragged, half-carried down the hall in a very painful and uncomfortable manner.
"Let me go, you brutes!" he yelled, trying to writhe his way out of their tiny grips.
Then, a voice he would not have expected to sound incredibly comforting and safe said, "Alright, hand 'im over!"
"Your majesty!" cried Escargon and he turned about so he could see Dedede standing just a short ways down the hall. The king walked over purposefully and casually plucked him from the waddle dees, then slung him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Thoguh he couldn't see them, Escargon could hear everybody who was chasing him skid to a halt and start cheering.
"Alright, we got him!" Bun's voice whooped excitedly.
"Finally!" Fumu said. "So, let's get that shell off him!"
Escargon began to tremble but there was nothing he could do. He was exhausted and also hanging over Dedede's shoulder.
"Thank you all kindly for getting him over to me!" Dedede chuckled. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be off." With that, he turned and marched off down the hall towards his room.
"You heard him!" Waddle Doo yelled at the bewildered people. "Clear out!"
Cries of protest erupted from the crowd, most notably from Fumu and Bun, but, after some time, they eventually began to wander away, herded off by the waddle dees.
Dedede walked into the room and shut the doors behind him, then plopped Escargon down in the middle of the room. Escargon flinched, expecting the hammer to come down, but Dedede didn't look like he was about to maul him. The king crossed his arms.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" he asked. "I was gracious enough to get everyone to leave. Now you're gonna take off your shell, and you're gonna do it now."
Escargon backed away but he already knew he had nowhere to go. Besides, he didn't have the energy for another chase. "Please don't make me do this, your majesty!" he whimpered. "Even getting hit wouldn't be as bad! Please!"
After a moment, Dedede's expression softened and he walked over. He put a comforting hand on Escargon's shoulder, then promptly reached past him and yanked off his shell.
"Yeeek!" Escargon fled to a corner of the room and pushed his bare body up against it, shaking again.
"Look, Escargon," Dedede sighed, looking irritated, "it's not that big of a deal, is it? Most people don't wear anything – just look at Kirby, or...pretty much all the cappies."
"I'm just weird like that, then, aren't I?" Escargon didn't move from his spot in the corner. "Why won't you let this go?!"
Dedede looked uncertain of how to reply for a moment. "Why won't you let me see?"
"Oh, so now we've got two unanswerable questions, do we?" Escargon deadpanned. "I just don't want you to see me like this! That's it!"
"Don't you trust me?"
"Of course not!"
Dedede shrugged. "Then that settles it." Without hesitation, he walked over and grabbed Escargon's shoulders, then spun him around. Escargon tried desperately to shake Dedede off, but he quickly lost his will when he realized that it was too late. He was already trying to think of excuses to hide in his room and never come out when Dedede let go of him. Cautiously, Escargon shot a glance back and was completely shocked to find that Dedede was already picking up his shell for him.
"That's...it?" he asked suspiciously. Surely Dedede had some scathing comments to make, or more 'research' or something?
"Yep!" Dedede handed the shell to Escargon who didn't hesitate a second to put it back in its rightful place. "I may be disgusting from time to time, but I'm not going to be all lewd about you having...y'know...parts."
Escargon stared at him, then looked down at the floor, feeling his face turn red. "Thank you, Dedede. I really appreciate it." He felt a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "So you're really not going to ask to see me nude again?"
"I never said that."
Escargon froze.
Laughing, Dedede grabbed his wrist and dragged him off. "Come on, let's go take a bath together!"
"No way!" Escargon cried. "I don't want to! Not yet! Let go of me!"
Dedede forcibly pulled Escargon off in the direction of the bathroom and, still laughing, shut the door behind them.