Disclaimer: This is a fan fiction using the most beloved characters Disney ever created-those from The Lion King and The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride. I used them here without permission with no plans to profit from them or take credit for someone else's work, so Disney, DON'T SUE ME!! The same holds true for the La Femme Nikita references which is copyrighted by LFN productions. I tried to keep this as clean as possible, but a PG rating would probably be useful here-and now, on to the hootnanny...
Prologue: I was falsely accused of a hideous crime (OK, so I wrecked a fashion show! Sheesh!) and sentenced to banishment in the Outlands. One night I was removed from my termite- infested exile and taken to Pride One, the most covert anti-terrorist group in the Serengeti. The operatives are tough and ruthless and the bureaucrats running the joint are rough and toothless. If I don't play by their rules, I'm kitty litter for the other lions...
Beginnings-Part 1 (Or: The Zira Imperative-Part 1)
An annoying buzz like that of a million flies filled the air that morning and in my sleep induced haze, I was sure that all hell had broken loose and that the buzzards were on another strafing run of the Pride Lands. Every spring, for as long as I could remember, the abundance of fresh kills in the Pride Lands brought out the worst in a lot of folks; but the buzzards more than most. Now, being just slightly more awake, I popped open one pale green eye towards the offending alarm clock making the ungodly screeching and promptly swatted it across my cave with a quick backhand of my paw and smiled evilly as my ears were greeted with the thud and crunch of metal hitting the wall, glass shattering and then crashing to the floor. I promptly flopped over on my belly intent upon eking out a couple more minutes of coveted sleep when I heard a nails-across-a-chalkboard voice bark out, "Hey Vitani! Why don't you come with us to the presentation?" It was those fateful words that heralded my descent into the shadowy world of Pride One operatives. I stared daggers up through my bangs at the termite brained flea-bag who uttered that statement. See the fellow over there behind me and slightly to my left, no, no not THAT one, the other nutball with blond streaked black shaggy mane, looking like a refugee from cosmetology school-yeah, HIM, that's my friend, Watanabe. The other two boobs are Mesu and Neesa. Anyway, Watanabe may be a couple lions short of a pride, but he's got a good heart-at least that part of it that hasn't been devoured by heart worms. I chucked my pillow at him which caught him full in his frazzled mug and bellowed at him to get out. I dragged myself out of my bed and promptly proceeded to step on my tail which resulted in several loud curses being sent heavenward. Never, never, mess with a lioness's tail first thing in the morning. My uncle Vito made that mistake with a lioness once and came back as my aunt Vida.
Anyway, as I was saying, Watanabe, Mesu, Neesa, and myself had managed to get ourselves wrangled into the unveiling ceremony down at Pride Rock. My sister-in-law was planning to literally "spring" her new spring collection wardrobe on us that she had assembled. Although it was never stated one way or the other, I would have sworn her main reason for doing it was to impress all of the high fashion hob-nobbers in the Pride Lands. Yep, you heard right. Dear old Kiara had finally found her niche; and in the fashion industry no less, or rather, what passed for fashion in the Pride Lands. She was our ONLY fashion designer, thank the Great Kings, because, somehow, in a place where earth tones are the rule, I just couldn't see the herds all wearing mauve and chartreuse.
I gathered my long tresses into a ponytail and clipped back my bangs and slid into my favorite everyday outfit of bright green sports bra and fawn colored spandex shorts and Puma brand sneakers. I sauntered out of my cave to scads of catcalls and a few pleasantly surprised, raised eyebrows. I was basking in the light of another beautiful morning in the Pride Lands, carpeted in thick emerald grass. I hadn't had the opportunity to draw hardly a breath when I was immediately sat upon by a large helping of unsolicited fashion (or lack thereof) advice. My friend Neesa is a self-proclaimed expert at any and everything, but I haven't had the heart to tell her she knows even less about fashion than Kiara does, and THAT'S saying something.
"Vitani, I can't honestly believe you, of all the lionesses in the Pride Lands, would wear a sports bra to your sister-in-law's big unveiling! I mean, you're siblings with the next queen!" That's old Neesa for ya, always looking out for number one all the while making you think it's you she's interested in.
"Hey," I replied, "you know me, I've always preferred comfort to style and to tell you the truth, as long as it feels good going on, it could be a thong bikini made from a hyena's hide and I wouldn't care. Besides, the sports bra helps to reduce jiggle and bounce."
Looking as though I had just stripped naked and performed the mating ritual, she replied, shocked, "Honey, I think you're missing the whole point of having breasts."
Needless to say, I shot her a look that would have felled a stampeding wildebeest at twenty paces. She chose to stay silent, and I thought, wisely so.
The whole affair wouldn't have been so bad, really, if we had been seated further back in the assembled crowd of gawkers and gapers. However, with Kiara's mate Kovu being my brother, I was naturally blessed with front row seating which I was sure was intended, on Kovu's part, as an untried form of torture. As cubs, we were always trying to get one over on the other and if that was his plan today, it was working. The garish colors were stomach-turning enough as it was, so I didn't see any point in leading any further assault on my senses by being seated front and center. Now this is the point of the story when everything falls apart. Lions, it is well known, have a certain style and poise, but have YOU ever tried to get an odd assortment of hippos, rhinos and elephants to parade gracefully? It was a ready made disaster looking for a place to happen; and wouldn't you know, if it was going to happen, then naturally I'd be somewhere in the vicinity?
The air was full of the buzz of whispered conversation and after a short time, Kiara timidly makes her way out across the promontory of Pride Rock dressed like a refugee from a florist's shop. I'm sorry, but that flowered hat made her look like a reject from the film "Invasion of the Lion Snatchers." She starts to speaks in a timid squeaky voice that belies her excitement (and I think she had a touch of laryngitis) and announces the new spring collection. An upbeat jungle tempo starts playing and then out they come. It is as this point that I wish to state now and for the record that elephants, hippos, and rhinos all in go-go boots are like oil and water. Come on, folks!! They just DON'T mix! It also doesn't help that one of the elephant models, Miss Fannie Double-X-Large is deathly afraid anything that is associated with the color blue. For reasons which aren't understood, she's positively terrified of anything, and I mean ANYTHING, blue. Rumor has it that a one time bad make-up job with some indelible blue eyeshadow was to blame, but I digress.
Zazu, the king's majordomo, is starting to show his age and has taken his nephew, Snafu, under his wing literally as a majordomo-in-training. He means well, but Snafu is as dense as an early morning fog in the Pride Lands and wet beneath the tail feathers. As emcee for the unveiling, naturally he's late and as luck would have it, he zips in right directly eye level with Fannie's line-of-sight.
She LOST it.
Fannie rears up and the train of her dress and its matching scarf start writhing like a creature possessed; flying up over her head showing off her rainbow striped bloomers. The sight alone was enough to start everyone immediately scattering to the four winds and even I thought I had better duck and run for cover. Fannie's fellow models all get up in arms while poor Snafu tries to navigate a jungle of writhing elephant, hippo, and rhino limbs. In her hysteria, Fannie manages to become a parti-colored whirlwind kicking up some good sized rocks and randomly flinging them at folks. Kiara, who's just finished picking her jaw and her sanity off the ground, ran out into the middle of the fray trying unsuccessfully to salvage the remains of what quickly devolved into a fashion emergency. Shredded material was lying in tatters everywhere and she hugged the pieces to herself wailing, "My poor masterpieces! They're ruined! Ruined!!" I silently thanked the Great Kings that we weren't gonna be subjected to those eye sores any longer.
Fannie was still trumpeting her head off incoherently and I looked up to see her stumbling blindly to where a stupefied Kiara was cradling the remains of her fashion nightmares. That thick-hided elephant was so caught up in her garb that she couldn't see and Kiara was about to get trampled within an inch of her life. Granted, our relationship wasn't the smoothest, but Kovu was absolutely smitten with her and I didn't want to see him unhappy. Funny, they say love is blind. In this case, it's also deaf, dumb, and lame in one paw. Still, if Kovu's happy, who am I to judge, right? Right.
Springing to action, I take a running leap and somersault on to Fannie's back to at least try to uncover her eyes. Grabbing the train and scarf in one paw, I was jostled like a leaf in the wind. I was beginning to really enjoy myself and I thought that at the next solstice celebration, we needed to have a ride like this. I reeled myself in and then with one paw free, I managed to free the self-styled shroud from around her head. A constant pummeling with her trunk was the thanks I got for my pains. At that moment, I was thinking how nice it would have been to have a complete new set of elephant hide luggage.
"Knock it off, you mammoth menace to society! I'm on your side, so LAY OFF with the trunk already!!" I got the shroud free from around her eyes and once she could see, Fannie caught one good look at me and started trumpeting up another furore, "Oh, Vitani Lion! You shameless hussy! You Outland trash! Get your paws off me! Help! Somebody, please help!"
She managed to shake me off (and I was glad too-a panicked elephant who's sweating stinks worse than Pumbaa when he's got diarrhea) and as I hit the ground, I tried to roll with it and collided into Kiara who was still sobbing about her ruined fashion show. I tried reassuring her and cajoling her into moving because any second, we'd both be elephant cushions. Why is it, when someone's upset, moving them is like trying to move Pride Rock? It's impossible! I snagged Snafu by the tailfeathers and got him to help me to try to move the princess as Fannie continued ranting and raving until she slipped on the shreds of her dress. That hysterical elephant began stumbling wildly all over the promontory. Straining, Snafu and I managed to drag Kiara away, who had dug her claws in the rock in an attempt to hold on. With her finally at a safe distance, Snafu and I began to beat a hasty retreat ourselves. However, never one to pass up an opportunity to give himself a pat on the back for what he called a job well done, Snafu never saw Fannie's considerable bulk come crashing down on top of him. The big girl was down for the count. Kiara was safe, but Snafu was elephant fodder. I began digging for all I was worth and searched for the little blue terror until I at last located him and managed to extricate him from his trap. I lightly tapped him about the beak a couple of times until he groggily moaned himself awake.
"Hey, bananabeak," I asked, "Who am I?"
"It's Mister Bananabeak to you, Outlander," he managed weakly with a slight grin. At least I knew he'd probably pull through. At last trouble was over or so I thought. Is it just me, or have you noticed how trouble just seems to follow you everywhere?
A small group of the royal guard paraded onto the scene in their royal fawn colored uniforms and bellowed, "Vitani! You are being taken into custody for crimes against the royal family!" I didn't have time to react before a couple of the other lionesses from Simba's personal guard had me bound with my paws behind my back.
"Hey!" I growled, "Get off! I was only trying to help!"
"Save it for the judge, sweetheart."
"If it weren't for me, Kiara would be kitty pancakes right now!"
"Sure, sure, honey...THAT'S what they all say."
I tried to struggle against my captors and probably would have made a clean break if at the moment I ducked and took off, I hadn't tripped over my shoe laces which had come untied. I slipped and the lot of us went down in a tangle a of fawn colored fur and tails. I rolled free, sprang back and began to make a break for it when I heard a solid "THUNK!" from somewhere near the back of my skull. The last thing I remember before I blacked out was seeing all of the pretty, multi-colored stars. You know, I wasn't aware that stars came in shades like "ultraviolet" and "electric blue"?
"I'm Leonidas Preh-Datoor, reporting to you live from Pride Rock which was the scene of this afternoon's 'Fashion Ramble in the Bramble'. As you can see from this pre-recorded footage that we at the PLBC have obtained, the lioness Vitani is seen here disrupting the unveiling of the Princess Kiara's spring collection which nearly resulted in the death of Snafu the hornbill and that of the Princess herself. Vitani was taken into custody and was taken to Pride Pen penitentiary to await her trial. Our leading correspondent, Rindimo Cheetah, who is a foremost authority on leonine mating habits and the art of doom, has this to say. Rindimo?
"Wow! That Vitani is one REALLY hot babe! I, uh, oh, ahem. It's a sad state of affairs Leonidas and obviously Vitani must be persecuted, uh, I mean prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. But it wasn't a complete loss. I just can't imagine all the herds wearing mauve and chartreuse in a place where earth tones are the rule. And Vitani, if you're watching this, can I have you number, pleeeeaassseee? Back to you , Leo!"
"There you have it, folks. Vitani Lion, is she a saint? Or, is she a fashion shattering disaster? This is Leonidas Preh-Datoor live at Pride Rock reporting for PLBC news. Goodnight."
I flicked off the TV disgustedly. It just wasn't fair! I was innocent. If anything, I had saved the Pride Lands from Kiara's fashion nightmares, kept her from becoming elephant fodder and had ended up in the pen. I flicked my bangs back out of my eyes and sighed. The real surprise was seeing Rindimo as a news commentator. It wasn't beneath him to try whatever means it may have taken to seduce the pride, but this was a new one on me. I had heard he had a thing for hard women which would explain his sudden interest in me. Personally, I've always regarded him as a few spots short of a leopard, but now, I don't know. You gotta admit, he has a kind of charm that I admit I find appealing. I made a mental note to look him up as soon as I got out of the loony bin. I know, I know, you're thinking a lioness with a cheetah? But I am a woman with needs and Rindi was available. And being in the pen meant that I was at something of a loose end. I glanced out the high placed window and noticed that night had fallen. I padded down for the evening on the straw that I had been provided and gazed up at the stars. Feeling my lids growing heavy I was almost certain I saw one star wink at me before sleep overtook me.
If you ever have the misfortune of ending up at the Pen, and they tell you that one size fits all, DON'T you believe it! The zebra suit that they saw fit to stuff me in was about ten sizes too small. Not to toot my own horn, I mean I've always looked good in anything, stripes being no exception, but this uniform was so tight it was riding up into cracks and body crevices I didn't even know I had. The buttons were straining over my cleavage and I got an embarrassing case of T.H.O. while the legs had a firm hug on my calves. I could take no more than shallow breaths without irreversible consequences. If I even dreamt about bending over, the zebra suit would slice me cleanly in two. Needless to say, the catcalls from some of the other inmates didn't help my attitude.
"Aw, take a picture, you MORON!! It'll last longer!" was my reply to one guy who kept sending up wolf whistles. If I could have gotten my paws around his throat, I'd have ripped out his voice box.
The guards were real pieces of work too. My legs were chained so I couldn't get away and my paws were bound behind my back. This meant that I couldn't use my claws, which were my pride and joy, as a means of escape. I can't speak for the other lionesses, but as Simba had pardoned all of us Outlanders from his Pride the first time and welcomed up back home, I had made quite a name for myself as a huntress. The herds would literally soil their shorts at the sight of me and my razor sharp blood red painted claws. I took almost as much care of my claws as I did the rest of my bod. However, any attempt to escape would have fubarred anyway-to add insult to injury, they got to me with their claw-clippers. Add to that the muzzle they stuck over my snout to shut me up and I looked like a bona fide kook from Loons-R-Us. I severely wanted to hurt somebody. Helpless against my captors, I allowed myself to be paraded off in front of the judge.
"Hussy!"
"Outland trash!"
"Harlot!"
"Fashion illiterate!"
"Hey, sex kitten!! Over here!"
The calls greeted me from all over as I was marched to the defendant's box in the court. Just to cause a ruckus and to get under the jury's collective skins, at that last call I swished my tail sexily, winked my eyed, and licked one claw and stuck it to my hip making a sizzling sound with my mouth for all the guys in the court. Boy, you couldn't hear yourself think for thud of jaws hitting the floor. One dear old leopardess swallowed her dentures as a result, which lodged in her throat and caused her to asphyxiate. Oh well, I guess we can just add assault with a deadly weapon to my rap sheet. I knew I had a killer sashay, but this was beyond ridiculous.
The judge was a wildebeest who wore one of those silly white powdered wigs that you see in the movies. The courtroom was packed full of the denizens of the Pride Lands. Simba and Nala, of course, were watching the proceedings and their expressions gave nothing away. Kovu looked as though he was miles away and Kiara just sort smiled weakly at me and waved. All of them were dressed conservatively, but I couldn't help notice how good Kovu was looking. His mane hung luxuriously around his head and shoulders and his black suit and white shirt with mandarin collar accentuated his muscular frame. I caught his eye over the top rim of his dark shades and he shot me a reassuring smile. He was my younger brother, but he always managed to cheer me up. I was lost in the thought of happier times in our cubhood when my reverie was broken by the sound of the doors opening at the back of the courtroom. A walking heap of papers rushed in like a whirlwind and a familiar voice greeted me as the disheveled mess passed, "Good morning, gorgeous!" I saw a flash of spots and a tail and before I could utter a sound...
"Rindimo Cheetah, court reporter at your service! Are you all right Vitani? Can I get you anything? Book? Drink? Five minutes alone in my cave with my hot tub?" That goofy cheetah was grinning from ear to ear and was wearing a teal sports jacket with the sleeves rolled up and shades propped up on his head. I slapped my forehead with my paw and sank back into my chair. It was going to be one hell of a long day.
"Your honor, I was merely showing off the latest fashion designed by Princess Kiara, when this, this, this hussy leapt on my back and started clawing at my hide. I realize that seems trivial but elephant skin is extremely sensitive and to achieve this level of silky smoothness I've had to moisturize no less than ten times a day..."
"Vitani is my sister-in-law and our relationship hasn't always been easy, but that day on the promontory, she saved my life. And Kovu loves his sister very much."
"In your opinion, princess, was the whole affair staged by Vitani to discredit you?"
"No. No, I don't think so."
"So what you're saying is, it isn't at all possible that she started this fiasco ir order to discredit you and possibly kill you, so that she could have a shot at the throne?"
"Um, uh..."
Poor Kiara started to waffle before she burst into tears, "But she SAVED my life!!" Kiara was dismissed and went wailing out of the courtroom. I noticed that Rindimo was stuck between fighting with the stenograph machine and gawping at me and had managed in the process to get thoroughly tangled in his already printed notes. I sank even lower into my chair. Things were getting worse.
Kovu was up next followed by Snafu and both spoke in my defense. I thought I stood a good chance of being released, but something went wrong. Zazu hurried over to the king and queen who excused themselves quietly. Shortly thereafter, he asked for permission to approach the judge who then called for a ten minute recess. I didn't like what was going on and a sick feeling started gnawing at the pit of my stomach. I looked over to see Kovu comforting Kiara who had returned to the courtroom. The judge came back in and asked for the jury's decision and while the foreman of the jury was droning on, I hazarded a glance about the courtroom. The mixture of looks ran from deep hatred, sympathy to the raw lust that dripped off Rindimo's face. I allowed myself to snicker at that; Again I thought, When this nightmare is over, I'll give him the best five minutes his hot tub has ever seen. And I'll even throw in complementary bubble bath.
At last the foreman of the jury stood to give the judgment of the rest of the jurors. A hush fell on the court, settling like a heavy fog as my fate awaited to be announced.
"Your honor," the old baboon intoned, "In the case of The People versus Vitani, we find the defendant, Vitani, guilty as charge and opt for the maximum sentence."
My jaw dropped and my eyes must have bugged out of my head. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! The courtroom started to buzz with excitement. Pounding the bench with his gavel, the judge passed sentence.
"Vitani, on the charges of disrupting the royal fashion show and making an attempt on Princess Kiara's life, you have been found guilty and I hereby sentence you to banishment in the Outlands! As you're no stranger to the Outlands, you should have no trouble in surviving out in those desolate wastes. And this time, there is NO possibility of return to the Pride Lands!" He banged his gavel and stood to leave.
"Guards," he bellowed, "Take her from this court!"
Kiara fainted dead away and the last thing I remember before I was swiftly rushed at a hurried pace out of the courtroom was Pumbaa (who had also attended with Timon to lend moral support) passing gas as he fainted. That's why we were rushed...
I stood at the river's edge and looked at the desolate wasteland where I'd grown up. Shortly after Simba's return when I was a cub, we'd been banished to the Outlands and now I was returning, for good, to my adopted cubhood home. Kovu and Kiara came out to say their goodbyes, but the guards blocked them from reaching me. Kiara, said, "Don't give up hope. Dad can overrule this. We'll talk to him."
"Don't bother, " I said feeling surprisingly touched by the sentiment, "Simba has more important things to worry about than saving my mangy hide."
"Vitani, one more thing," Kiara started, "Thank you, for saving my life. I'll always be grateful."
"It was nothin'."
"Hang in there, sis."
"You too, bro. You too."
We were allowed to hug each other goodbye at Kiara's insistence before I was forced onto the prisoner barge as it only occupant apart from the ferryman. I looked back over my shoulder, my tresses blowing in the light evening breeze. I quickly turned back around, not wanting them to see the tears that had started to well up in my eyes. Angrily I blinked them away and before I knew it, we had arrived at my new home...the Outlands.
The End-Part 1