Chapter One - the Bourgeois Jedi Archives

AN: This is the sequel to COMRADE SKYWALKER: THE PRIVATE PROPERTY MENACE. I would advise you to read that first if you haven't already. Reading these two in conjunction is the most effective way to counter false consciousness.

Also, shout out to HardcoreCommie. What a comrade!

I strode urgently with my working class legs into the Jedi archives on Coruscant, trying not to scowl at the decadent, bourgeois opulence that surrounded me. I bet it had been privately funded by some twisted corporate sponsor. I couldn't afford to focus on such things, I had more important matters to undertake, like researching Kamino.

"Can I help you with something?" A voice asked. It was Jocasta Nu, a well known capitalist shill. She was watching me apprehensively, probably alarmed by my Che Guevara T-shirt and my growing reputation as a Communist messiah.

"I'm looking for information on a planet called Kamino." I said proletariatly. "What do you have on it?"

"Nothing." She replied in an oppressive voice, her wrinkly face was contorted into a nervous grimace, no doubt she was terrified of losing her private property. I was sure that she was only saying that as part of the capitalist propaganda. "Move along. These are not the archives you are looking for."

"WHAT THE FUCK?" I roared in the voice of Lenin. "DON'T STEAL MY BELOVED OBI WAN'S LINES YOU PLUTOCRATIC SLUT! ALSO WHY DO YOU HAVE FUCKING DUMB-ASS PENCILS IN YOUR HAIR?"

"If you are going to yell, you are going to have to leave." She said in a fashion that revealed her deep hatred for the poor and disadvantaged. "The door is that way."

"When the FUCKING REVOLUTION is complete, I'll send you to the Gulag for restricting my FUCKING FREEDOM OF FUCKING INFORMATION RIGHTS!" I yelled in a very progressive manner, before flipping her off and storming out of the library.

Obi Wan was waiting for me outside. "Well, what did you learn?" He asked in a socialist manner.

"'FUCKING NOTHING!" I screamed. I was not angry at him though, he was my beloved Comrade and husband-to-be (we planned to get married at the end of the episode), I could never be angry with him. "THAT FUCKING SHILL WHO LOOKS LIKE SHE COULD BE CHANCELLOR PALPATINE'S UGLY TWIN SISTER IS BEING FUCKING OBSTRUCTIONIST!"

Obi Wan frowned deeply, the light caught on his beard and - when combined with his thoughtful expression - it made him look a lot like Karl Marx. "I see."

"Skywalker!" A classist voice called out, I turned around to see that FILTHY CAPITALIST Yoda coming towards us. He was sitting on his dumb hover platform because all the gluttony and bourgeois excess had made him to feeble to walk, and he was still dressed as the Monopoly man. "A task for you and Kenobi, the Jedi Council has."

"I'm busy." I replied in the VOICE OF THE REVOLUTION. "I have to liberate the galaxy from disgusting CORPORATE FUCKS LIKE YOU!"

"Indeed." Obi Wan agreed. "The Revolution is too important."

"Your Revolution, stupid it is. Fail, you shall." Yoda replied in a voice of oligarchical entitlement. "The Jedi Council cares not for your Marxist bullshit. Obey orders, would be wiser."

Obi Wan and I exchanged glances, recognising Yoda's underhand attempts to brainwash us back into false consciousness. "The Revolution will prevail." I said.

Yoda shook his fucking GREEN WRINKLED OPPRESSIVE HEAD. "Tasked you with a mission, the Council has. Protect Padme Amidala from assassination, you must." And with that he flew away on his tyrannical little hover platform that was doubtless the product of slave labour.

"I WILL NOT GO NEAR THAT FUCKING SHILL SENATOR!" I screamed after him in the voice of Mao.

Qui Gon's force ghost appeared, his beard looked extremely Marxist today. "It might be a good idea to take the mission, Comrade." He said. "That way we can find out who is trying to assassinate the shill senator. If they wish to harm someone so steeped in oppressive capitalism, they must be a Comrade at heart."

I recognised the wisdom in Comrade Qui Gon's words. "I know, Comrade. But she will try to seduce me with her filthy materialistic decadence, it makes me so angry."

"Don't worry, Comrade." Obi Wan patted my shoulder comradely. "That's just the pregnancy hormones talking."

"OI, YOU'RE PREGNANT TOO!" I snapped progressively.

"Don't fight, Comrades." Qui Gon's force ghost soothed us in the voice of Stalin. "You must be united, like the State, if you are to succeed."

Obi Wan and I nodded communistically. Qui Gon was right, as always. With that in mind we set off, towards the lair of the ultimate shill senator herself.