Disclaimer: I (sadly) don't own Designated Survivor

A/N: Alex is dead, his world is shattered and it takes him so long to even wrap his head around the fact itself. Takes place about five weeks after the midseason finale.

Enjoy!

Chapter 1: Tormented Souls

Her bloody face is tormenting him again tonight, she looks at him sitting across the room silent, blood covering her hair, her face her clothes. There's so much that makes him sick, she doesn't say anything she just sits there studding him as he's lying on their bed, her pillow is still smelling like her hair, so she watches him clutching it closer. She appears many times per day, sometimes when he's trying to sleep, others in the oval, the blood dripping from her clothes to the beige carpet; sometimes she stands behind him in the bathroom when he's shaving the same empty look on her blue eyes, and instead of tears blood runs down her cheeks. He tried to hold her the first time she came to him, tried to grab her arm and hold her close to his chest, wash the blood from her face, from her hair, but her hand passed through his every time he tried.

He has learned his lesson this time though, he doesn't move to hold her, he doesn't go near her, he just sits on the bed, the covers around him, his hand clutching her pillow tightly watching her face, through the blood, the cuts and the bruises she's still beautiful.

"You came again tonight" he can't help himself asking her, he swallows the sob with difficulty this time, "I did" her voice sounds different, as if it's not hers "Did you tell your therapist about me?" she asks, there's something sinister in her face as her lips twist in a smirk when he nodes his head negatively. "Of course you didn't. I told you not to." She gets up and walks closer to the bed, she usually doesn't come near him, this change throws him off and he tries to move farther away from her for the first time in weeks. "Why are you moving away from me Tom? Does my blood repulse you now?" he's frightened when she sits down on the bed next to him, he feels a chill running down his spine, even thought the room is warm enough for him to start sweating, he sees the white sheets staining with the blood from her clothes, there's something out of this world in her voice, it scares him the sweet tone she used when she said his name before. He moves his head away trying look away from her but her voice freezes him mid movement "Look at me!" she demands and he can't stop himself from doing exactly as she says. This thing scares him, and she leans closer, her face inches from his own, as his breath quickens and the tears fall from his eyes, "You did this to me!" she outers each word slowly, each word piercing his heart like a rusted knife "I'm sorry!" he sobs "I love you" he can't stop the tears, he doesn't want to either. "Please stop, I'm tired, can you be my Alex for tonight, torment me all you want tomorrow but just for tonight… be her." The woman in front of him straightens her back, she looks at him her cold eyes examining him "No" she simply says, "You're never seeing her again Tom. You killed her and I'll. Kill. You!" she used her pale finger to poke him on his chest, and he felt his heart stopping for a moment.

He jumps from his sleep, a loud gasp leaves his lips as he looks around the dark bedroom, Alex's things are all around him, her pillow in his arms the bloody shadow of his wife gone, his hands pat the side of the bed where her blood stained the sheets but he found them clean. His eyes fall on the frame on the bedside table he keeps there here and five weeks, this way her face is still the first one he sees in the morning. He took it a month after they moved in the white house, it was early and he had woken up earlier than her once again. He watched her sleeping, her blonde hair spread on her pillow like an angel's hallo. He can hear the blood pumping in his ears, tonight's nightmare was one of the worse, the shadow torments him from time to time but never like tonight. He reaches for his phone and goes to voicemails, his finger hovering over her last voicemail, it doesn't take him long to press play and leave her voice lull him back to sleep.

It's her first day back to work after the accident, people stop when she passes them by, their murmurs are driving her mental at the moment and she wishes she could just make them stop, just stop looking at her, stop talking about her just stop. It's as if every employ in the building blames her for what happened to Alex Kirkman, they don't know that she wishes she could swap places with her, she wishes she could be the one who's car got hit, if only to stop seeing the tear stricken face of the president every night in her sleep. When she finally reaches her office she closes the door behind her and leans back on the cold wood breathing slightly out. Her eyes closed tightly, few tears still managing to escape them and travel down her face.

When she manages to open her eyes again and takes a good look of her office for the first time in over a month, it's exactly the same as she left it on Christmas morning files thrown carelessly on the desk, the small singing Christmas tree the president got her still sitting there, a sad reminder of how different things were now. She walks to her chair and sits down heavily, takes the small tree in her hands; she runs her palm over its branches, feeling the plastic tickling her palm. She doesn't know when the tears started falling from her eyes but she realizes soon enough that she can't stop them, no matter how hard she tries, one tear follows the other until the render her breathless, gasping for some air to enter her lungs.

Hannah sits alone in her office, those past weeks she barely left the room, she's there before the first light of the sun touches the cold ground and leaves long after everyone in the building is asleep, not that she cared about many of them, only one, only one particular person that she was avoiding like the plague. This whole mess was her fault after all, had she not trusted Damian she wouldn't be in this mess, lying to everyone, everyone she loves and cares about. She can't trust anyone after all, Damian was so close to her, lived in her apartment, worked with her from this very same room, she can't know if he has bugged the place somehow, although Chuck promises her that there are no bugs in the room, or her apartment she won't rest until she kills him. Then and only then she'll be free from the web of lies she weaved.

She doesn't regret it, not really, this way she was saving a life, and she didn't care if that meant that everyone from Chuck to the president to Aaron and John would hate her and ostracize her because in the end she can say to herself that she did more than all of them did…

… she saved Alex Kirkman's life.

"Tom!"

His name leaves her lips like a prayer when she wakes up, looking at the small bed the side he would use is empty, she begged Hannah to let her call him, she can't live like this, he needs to know that she loves him, he needs to know that she is alright, he needs to know that she didn't abandon him, but Hannah insists on keeping this only between the two of them and the single doctor that takes care of her.

She moves her legs to the side of the bed and for the first time since Christmas she stands on her own two feet, the casts gone, her legs healed although a bit out of practice carry her weight to the window overlooking a gorge she doesn't know the exact name but the sound of the river is calming her so she opens the window and lets the freezing February wind hit her in the face. It's been so long since she felt the air on her face, blowing her hair, tangling them. The scent of the nature around her, she knows she's somewhere in southern Alaska but not where exactly she might be.

She closes her eyes, the beauty of the scenery around her is too much for her to take, soft snowflakes start falling on the already snow covered ground but she doesn't see it. All she sees is all she wants to see, the faces of her husband when he sleeps peacefully next to her, the face of her daughter as she laughs with their dog, the face of her son when he sits in the living room listening to his music, softly moving his head to the beat. She wants to see them again, not through the TV, not through her mind's eyes but in person, she wants to be able to wrap her arms around them, hold them close, wipe their tears away and fight the nightmares at night.

But she can't, she knows she can't, as long as Damian Rennet is alive she will be forced into solitary confinement, to protect them. Even if it was killing her inside she had to think about them first.

He doesn't sleep for long, just a couple hours before his alarm rings he gets up and looks around the room, he half expects the shadow to be there, waiting for him but she isn't. A robotic voice startles him, telling him to press one to repeat and he realizes that the phone is still on, still on his voicemails. He hangs up and leaves it back on Alex's pillow.

His feet mechanically carry him to the bathroom he doesn't look in the mirror when he blindly follows his morning routine. He starts shaving the blade smoothly moving over his face, he's nearly done when his hands spasms and he feels the blade slipping cutting his cheek, the blade falls from his hands hitting the white porcelain sink, the noise makes him flinch, grabbing the towel from the side he wipes the foam off and looks up trying to inspect the damage. The shadow is there when he does; she leans against the wall behind him. there's a cold smile on her face as she pushes herself of the wall and walks towards him "Did you hurt yourself Tom?" she asks, her voice sweet, almost as if she cares, Tom doesn't know why she makes him feel this way, almost as if he yearns for her presence, her blame, everything. He doesn't answer her which he knows will anger her but he can't. "Look at me Tom." Her command is soft this time, there's no anger but it still makes him turn to her, watch her bloody face, "Now we look the same don't we?" she asks, there's a sick smile on her face, one that brings a sob to his throat, "Why are you doing this?" he whispers, his voice not strong enough to speak louder.

"Because you deserve it!" the smile falls from her face and it slowly turns stone cold "Don't you Tom?" she asks. He tries his best not to answer, he closes his eyes trying to ignore her, sometimes she leaves when he ignores her long enough. "I'm not leaving without an answer Tom." Tom opens his eyes, she's still standing there next to him, her arms crossed over the bloody, red silk blouse Alex was wearing, "I do" he manages to say through the fresh tears rolling down his face "Is that what you want? Is this enough for you now? Can I have my wife back now?" this was the first time in weeks that he felt the rush of anger through him, it was a jolt of life he thought he didn't have in him anymore.

"That's nothing Tom, you think just because you admitted to me that everything is your fault I'll leave?" a cold chuckle left her lips "I'll leave when you're dead Tom, that's when I'll be happy." She moves closer invading his personal space again, just like last night, and she leans closer, her mouth next to his ear, "And I told you last night you are never seeing her again, not even in death." Tom raises his arms and tries to push her away, a primal scream leaving his lips, the shadow misses a few steps, as if he had actually pushed her back and looks at him with shock in her cold blue eyes. "Fine I'll leave. For now." with that he watches her disappear, like she did so many times into the thin mist.

He gasps for breath, falling to his knees, clutching his hands over his heart which is beating fast. The blood is rushing to his ears and the adrenaline in his veins makes him sick. He barely manages to get to the toilet before the vomit rose in his mouth, there was nothing in it though other than stomach acid and he soon found himself dry heaving. The tormenting becomes worse every single time and he wonders if he should tell his therapist after all.

This question, whether or not he should tell his therapist about the shadow was tormenting him the whole morning he wasn't sure what to do, he knows, somewhere deep down that he needs to tell him, he is trained for this and he could help him move past it, but on the other hand he has promised her he wouldn't tell a soul about her visits, it was back when she was sweeter to him, back when she would seek his touch and look almost desperate when his hand would move through hers. It scares him that this fragment of his imagination holds so much power over him, but in the end, for the first time in weeks logic wins.

When he walks in room Doctor Elis is already there, he raises his head and looks at him "Mr. President, welcome" Tom nodes and sits down, "How are you today sir?" Tom closes his eyes and runs a hand over his tired face, "If I am to tell you the truth, and if you want to truly help me stop talking to the president of the United States, because the president is fine, the president is doing his job, it's the man that's dying." The doctor looks at him, his lower lip between his teeth, as he takes his time to study Tom's face "Alright Tom, how are you today." His voice is even and soft, for the first time it makes him feel almost at ease, the feeling is so unfamiliar after everything that scares him.

"I… I can't move her things from where she left them." Tom admits, lowering his head, this was his moment to tell him about the shadow, about the torment falling from her lips like sweet poison but he can't, he catches himself before he can outer a word.

"But you need to try and move them, all of her things around you keep you back, have you thought leaving her mother packing her things for you?"

"No, Eva doesn't need that…" he opens his mouth, he's not sure what he wants to say, so he closes his mouth again and looks at the carpeted floor.

"I know you need her things around, or you feel like you do, but if you want to move on you have to remove them." The same jolt of anger flows through his veins again, Tom's head snaps back looking at the doctor sitting in front of him, he ignores the tears threatening to escape from his eyes and he stands up looking at the man with cold eyes "I will decide what I need to do, I won't be needing your help anymore doctor, you can leave." He turns on his heels and moves out of the room, walking down the corridor to the oval his eyes land on Kendra's door for a moment, to his surprise there's light underneath, as he moves closer he can hear soft music playing, Christmas music, which from time to time is interrupted by soft sobs.

He places a hand on the door not sure if he should enter or not. He spent days hoping it was her in the car and not Alex, angry at her for surviving when Alex didn't, sometimes he still feels that way but he also knows that if he had taken action to remove Forstell sooner neither of them would be out of the building that damned night, or if he had went there, if he had gone to Alex instead of the hospital. He needs to talk to her, he needs to explain, now that his logical brain is working, that he doesn't blame her for surviving. He turns to Mike who's still there, always by his side, "I'll need a moment alright." He tells him and walks inside the room, he doesn't knock just opens the door and slides in.

She is sitting on the couch there, the small singing Christmas tree he had gotten for her at the office Christmas party left next to her on the sofa, she had pulled her knees to her chest, her face hidden from view, the sound of the door opening startled her and she managed to barely lift her head from her knees "Mr. President." She whispers, her voice getting caught in her throat.

As soon as Tom sees her red and swollen eyes something inside him stirs. The music from the tree is soft, cheerful in a room where the happiness has left for weeks. He walks slowly to her, taking the tree from the couch next to her in his hands, he studies the little object remembering Alex laughing when he told her what he got for his staff this Christmas, it was the first laugh he got from her in months so he cherished it…

"Tom what are you carrying?" Tom stops at his tracks he didn't expect anyone to be in his office at this hour but Alex was there, she was sitting at his desk, papers scattered around her "I needed somewhere quiet, and people wouldn't stop bothering me about Christmas celebrations in my office." She told him, he smiled, a small chuckle leaving his lips and he softly leaves the bags with the gifts on the floor next to his office, he wraps his arms around her and she leans closer to him, her head softly resting against his chest "I got some gifts for my staff, wanna see them?" he asks, she leans back a small smile, the first genuine in days graces her face, it takes his breath away, although he's never going to admit it.

"Sure, show me." She leaves the pen back on the desk and moves with him to the couches on the other side of the room. He leaves the bags on the coffee table and takes out the first box, it's unwrapped something that surprises her "I wanted to wrap them myself" he tells her "Aha, that explains it." She mutters biting her lip to stop the smile from growing. She studies the box and Tom just can't take his eyes away from her. "It's for Seth." He says, "You got Seth a Christmas mug?" she asks, "Not any Christmas mug Alex!" he takes the box from her hands opening it, getting the heavy Christmas mug in his hands, and turned it upside down, a loud "Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas!" filled the room, Alex looked at him surprise in her eyes for a moment before she started laughing loudly, her laugh was the best thing he had heard in weeks, it made him smile softly and place the mug back in its cardboard box.

It took her a while to catch her breath but she looked at him with joy filling her eyes "What you got for the others?" she asks him.

"Well I got a similar mug for Aaron, only sounds like a cow. Lyor I got him the new Call of Duty videogame, I got Emily her favorite perfume, but honestly I outdid myself for Kendra!" with pride he fishes for Kendra's gift taking out the little tree he places it on the coffee table and sits next to Alex, "Clap" he tells her and she does. The tree comes to life the sound of "We wish you a merry Christmas" filling the room, but Tom only cared about the sound of laughter coming from the woman next to him…

"I'm glad you are back to work Kendra." He manages to tell her after leaving the tree on the small coffee table in front of him, Kendra looks at him through her tears, this was the first thing he told her since he entered the room, it takes her by surprise a little, this wasn't what she thought he would say. "No, you are not sir, I'm not glad to be here, you aren't either." She gets the words out with difficulty, gasps interrupting her choking her. Tom looks up; he truly looks at her for the first time. She looks tired, she had lost weight since he last saw her and he can't help but notice her collarbone visible, standing out through the opening on her shirt. He doesn't know what to do with the image of the woman in front of him, he doesn't know how to process this, she looks every bit broken as him, but the loss wasn't nearly close.

"I'm glad you are here, I really am." He hopes she accepts it this time, because he can feel his resolve breaking this time around, he can feel the anger bubbling under his skin, he can feel it rising up in his veins and the little devil on his shoulder pushing him to tell her exactly how he feels, to tell her that he wishes she was dead and Alex was here, but he doesn't, he bites his lip and stops the venom from spilling out. His rage surprises him a bit, he is used to being in a catatonic almost state since Alex… since Christmas, and these new found spurs of anger are the first feelings other than the paralyzing sorrow he managed to feel since then take him by surprise. Kendra notices it, she notices that something is wrong with the man sitting next to her.

"Sir?" she asks, Tom wishes she didn't, he wishes she stayed silent because the little devil in his shoulder is screaming in his head, telling him to tell her exactly what was wrong with him, his breath is picking up and he uses his knuckles to shut himself up.

"Don't try and hide, I know what you think, you'd trade me for Alex in a heartbeat…" a sob leaves her throat, it rips through her slender figure and shakes more tears from her eyes "I would too" the last part leaves her lips as if a breath, so softly, that Tom almost missed it.

"I would…" he takes a breath, the broken look on her face is calming the anger in his "And I hate myself for that." He doesn't know why but he reaches for her hand which is fallen by her side limp and holds it tightly in his.

"I fired the therapist." He doesn't know why he tells her that, he half expects her to scold him for it, that's what Alex would have done, and his wife was the last person he remembers that made him feel so at ease when talking to, but her answer took him by surprise.

"I stopped watching mine a week ago."

They spent almost an hour in her office, they didn't speak much, they just sat there holding hands they didn't need to talk, because after all the silence between them said everything that they needed to say. Her offer to be his sounding board was tempting but it was terrifying Tom to no extent, the anger he felt today seeing her cry, even though she was obviously stricken was scarring him that he was going to say something he won't mean to her, something that will push her away and something that will make him lose himself.

But he still needs to figure out why she is so easy to talk to, what makes her so calming to him from time to time; he needs to understand why he actually feels alive when he talks to her. Sitting on the foot of the bed he took his phone in his hands.

"Are you already moving on Tom?" he closes his eyes, the shadow is back, he looks up, she is sitting on the same chair she was using last night "I told you I wasn't gone forever." He doesn't talk to her instead he turns his eyes back on his phone, Kendra's number there, so tempting. "Go ahead call her, I'll take her away from you soon enough." His head snaps up looks at her sitting there a sweet, sickening smile on her face, "Don't you dare! You hear me!" he sees her eyes twitching a bit, the smile on her face never once moving.

"Why? What worse can you do to me?" she stands up, the way she walks still scares him a lot but this time he doesn't move away from her, he sits there frozen with a feeling so different from the one last night, this time it wasn't fear that was making him freeze but blinding hot rage and defiance. "You already killed me honey." With those last words and a small touch on his cheek she disappeared, leaving his heart beating loudly in his ears, the anger drained from him in an instant and a cold unforgiving numbness fills him. Looking down at the phone one last time his irrational brain took over and just pressed the number.

"Mr. President?" her voice is groggy, she was apparently sleeping "If I am to take your offer you can't call me Mr. President."

A/N: First chapter is DONE! On to the next in which we'll see Tom and Kendra talking to one another and much, much more! Please let me know what you think about this story and if you'd like to read more.

Here's a small sneak peak from the next chapter:

They decided it was better if they meat somewhere away from people, away from praying eyes and ears so they traveled to Camp David, his mother, who came to help him out, kindly told him she'll take care of the kids. He took marine one two hours after she texted him that she started driving there. He wasn't sure what they would talk about, if anything but something, a voice sounding extremely like his Alex pushed him to try it…