Author's Note: This is the first story I've ever written, so buckle up and bear with me. It's been floating around my head for awhile now, and I finally worked up the courage to give this a go. I don't have a beta, so if you're interested, please PM me. I have a general idea of where this is going, but the future is open. This will be angsty, but there will be good times too, and even a happy ending. I don't want to trigger anyone, so please see the warning section before reading. I will put specific warnings before each chapter. Please feel free to tell me what you think, and leave any helpful criticisms.

I don't own the 100, but I am happily using them for this story.

Italics are thoughts/memories and the bold/title is a song by Underoath "It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door"

General Warnings: Dark Themes, Language, Cutting, Sexual Situations, Rape Non-Con, Violence

Chapter Warnings: Dark Themes, Referenced/Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Violence

Chapter 1 Drowning in my sleep

When she first left camp Jaha, lost in despair, only one thought coursed through her. Like a beacon, it called to her through the storm in her mind; she was going to kill Lexa. She had doomed Clarke, forcing her hand to make an impossible choice.

It was a month before she caught up to her. Hell bent on destruction, she rushed headfirst at her first chance for retribution…..Punish the betrayer her mind screamed at her. Seconds before she made herself known, an invisible force weighing heavily on her chest, stopping her in her tracks.

The only fault here, was mine. I pulled the lever, not Lexa. There is always a choice. Though many decisions were made for me, this was mine and mine alone…no that's not right; thoughts of Bellamy came unbidden.

May we meet again…

She was devastation, leaving only ashes in her wake. Her hands were dripping with blood; and she was drowning in it….the oxygen in her lungs giving way to crimson regret.

I can't let anyone else drown with me, not this time.

I've been up at this all night long

I've been drowning in my sleep

It had been months; months upon months wandering the forests, with nothing but the faces of the lives she'd stolen as her constant companions. She lost track of the days, reality bleeding into nightmares as sleep constantly eluded her.

I will now bring new meaning to the word alone

Endless nights dreaming of life

So lost in thought she is, that it's not until her back is pinned to a tree that she realizes she isn't truly as alone as she feels. She shakes the blurriness out of her eyes just in time to see a smirk spread across his face. The first thing she notices is that he is wearing the black uniform common to the ARK guards. She thinks she is dreaming until he speaks, voice gravelly with un-use "I thought it was too good to be true when I heard you were still alive down here…..imagine my surprise when I found you out here miles from camp. All alone, pretty little lost lamb." It's as if ice water has been forced through her veins, the world tilts on its axis as his face comes into focus. I know this voice. Know it as I know my own bones. A laugh bubbles out of her. It's not as if this situation is intrinsically funny, but damn if life isn't giving her exactly what she deserves. At least that's what she thinks, until his hand slides up her side and grabs roughly at her breast. Her heart that had once felt as if it would never beat again, drops down to her stomach and begins to pound as if it could burst right out of her body. His hands are rough in their roaming, and for a minute she is lost in memories or were they just nightmares of a mind tormented from months of solitary confinement?

Strong hands holding her down,

Tears streaming down her face, as laughter rings in her ear.

The sound of a zipper being pulled down….

…time freezes as she realizes there IS a zipper being forced down. Unwanted hands push into the waistband of her pants…It's then she realizes there's no more running from her demons, they follow her wherever she runs. She spent months thinking all she deserved was pain and torment; now she comes to the understanding that there is one thing she doesn't want to lose, no not again. Suddenly, her hands move of their own accord, disconnected from her mind. She grips the knife hanging through her belt, and with a strength she didn't know she still possessed, she drives the blade up and under his ribs, twisting it with a scream that rips from some hidden place in her heart. Blood flows freely down the hilt of her blade and over her hands. His eyes fly open in shock and she can't seem to look away as the life fades out of them. She rips the knife out of his gut with a sob, and her eyes find her hands shaking, still gripping the knife. They are covered in blood. Is this how my whole life is going to be, covered in blood? She drops the knife as if it has scorched her skin down to her bones. Hands trembling, she buttons her pants and fixes her buckle.

Her feet move.

Her mind drifts.

Memories cloud her vision. The floodgates have been opened, and there is no shutting them now.

She is adrift, lost in the abyss.

Suddenly, she falls to her knees, bones scraping against stone. She can't feel a thing. Not the freezing wind or the hard earth packed under her. Dark gates loom above, mocking her. In this moment she tells herself she should expect nothing less. Judgement for the bodies behind me, for the red in my ledger, for all the sins and dirty dark secrets kept; I am so tired of running. She hears a shout through clouded ears. Why is everything always so far away? The gates open, and suddenly she isn't alone. Someone is kneeling before her, and it's then she realizes he is speaking. Curly dark hair, tanned skin, and freckles ghosting across a face only hardened by time on Earth. She sees the anger and concern warring across his features. It's then that the nightmares give way to the one constant in her life since the ARC doomed the 100 to the ground;

Bellamy.

My knuckles have turned to white

There's no turning back tonight.