Harry Potter on The Jeremy Weller Show
Author's Note: I obviously had Jerry Springer in mind when I wrote this, but according to a British friend, his equivalent there is named Jeremy Weller. No disrespect is intended to Mr. Weller; I've never seen the show and am just assuming it's similar to what Jerry Springer would do. But that still begs the question: What kind of idiot would agree to be on one of these trash TV shows?
(Theme music comes up, opening sequence of Jeremy Weller head shots and past guests throwing chairs, hitting each other, tearing off clothes, etc.)
Announcer: Welcome, wizards and witches, to the most controversial talk show on the Wireless Wizarding Network, the Jeremy Weller Show!
(Audience applauds, studio shot sweeping across audience to announcer at stage right)
Announcer: And now. Heeeeere's Jeremy!
(Jeremy comes through curtains center stage; full body shot while he waves and audience cheers, then close in to upper body shot)
Jeremy: "Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, thank you, you're too kind. Welcome to today's episode of the Jeremy Weller show. We have a real treat for you today, something I think you're really going to like. You're read about him in the Daily Prophet. You've heard what a lying, attention-seeking prat he is. But is that the whole story? We'll find out today when we talk to the Boy Who Lived, Mr. Harry Potter. Right here on the Jeremy Weller show!"
(Music up, audience reaction shot, cut to first commercial)
(Sweep across audience to Jeremy on stage)
Jeremy: "Welcome back, and let's get right to it. Can I have a big round of applause for Mr. Harry Potter, please?"
(Audience reaction shot; mixed applause and boos; cut to Potter coming onstage, shaking hands with Jeremy)
Jeremy: "Welcome, Harry, welcome. May I call you Harry?"
Harry: "Um, sure. That's my name, isn't it."
Jeremy: (Laughs) "Of course it's your name. So, Harry, have a seat. Now, we've been reading all these things about you in the Daily Prophet. You claim He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is 'back'. You claim you fought him in a graveyard, and you won. The most powerful wizard of our times, and you, a 13 year-old boy, somehow managed to defeat him, yes? And this…"
Harry: (mumbles something)
Jeremy: "I'm sorry, Harry, what was that?"
Harry: "I said I'm 15 now, Jeremy. Just turned 15 last week."
Jeremy: "But you were still 14 when you claim you fought him, right?" (Harry nods) "OK, so you claim that a 14-year-old boy defeated the most powerful wizard of our time, and that…"
Harry: (mumbles something)
Jeremy: "What's that, Harry? You'll have to speak up, the audience can't hear you, can you, audience?"
Audience: (mixed grumbling, applauding, cheering, booing)
Harry: (flushing) "I said I didn't defeat him, I just managed to hold him off long enough to get away."
Jeremy: "Yes, well, either way, Harry, that is just a little unlikely, isn't it? But anyway, this isn't the first time you claim to have faced him and lived. We all know about the incident when you were a little baby, and the terrible tragedy that claimed your parents' lives and left you with that scar."
(Zoom in on Harry's face, showing scar)
Jeremy: "But what about all those other times you say you faced him down? In your first year at Hogwarts, when you were 11, you claim He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named came at you out of the back of someone's head, right?"
(Close-in shot of Jeremy rolling eyes, mugging for the camera)
Jeremy: "There weren't any witnesses who saw that, though, were there, Harry? And then in your second year, you claim a teenaged version of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named climbed out of a diary and threatened you and your little girlfriend, right, Harry?"
Harry: "She's not my girlfriend, she's my best mate's sister. And he did come out of a diary, an old diary from when Lord Volde- er, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was in school."
Jeremy: "So a 50-year-old diary containing a teenage version of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named tried to kill you by sending a basilisk after you. And, this supposed teenage wizard was allegedly sucking the life out of the little girl so he could 'live again.' But nobody else saw this teenage wizard, did they, Harry? And you say the basilisk almost killed you, but you don't even have a scar this time, right? We have to give you the basilisk, Harry, because they found the body when they went into the Chamber of Secrets, but no one but you, again, saw He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, right?"
Harry: "Well, no. Ginny was passed out at the time, and didn't wake up until I destroyed the diary."
Jeremy: "How convenient. (rolls eyes at camera) And you don't have the diary any more, do you, Harry? No way anyone could examine it and try to call up this so-called teenage version of Him, could they?"
Harry: "No, sir, I gave it back Lucius Malfoy."
Jeremy: "Did you, Harry? Did you really? Well, we contacted Mr. Lucius Malfoy, and here's what he had to say for our cameras. Roll tape, please."
Lucius: (on tape) "What happened to Harry Potter's parents was a tragic thing, and it's obviously unhinged his mind. I never had any such diary, so he certainly couldn't 'give it back' to me. My son, Draco, is in Mr. Potter's year at Hogwarts and he assures me Potter is constantly seeking attention, when he isn't fainting or winding up in the hospital from Quidditch injuries. Draco thinks he may have been hit by one too many Bludgers during practice."
Jeremy: "So there you have it, Harry. Lucius Malfoy never had any diary, and his son says you're an attention-seeking prat, just like the Daily Prophet says. Now, in your third year, you actually managed to go a whole year without claiming you ran into and then defeated He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. What happened, Harry? Have an off year?"
(Audience laughs and cheers)
Jeremy: "And we'll be right back to our interview with Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lied. I'm sorry, I mean, the Boy Who Lived."
(More Jeremy mugging for the camera, cut to commercial)
(Pan across audience back to Jeremy onstage)
Jeremy: "And finally, your fourth year. The year you just completed. The first Triwizard Tournament in years, with age restrictions so only 17-year-olds could compete. And yet somehow, and you claim you don't know how, your name- the name of a 14-year-old ineligible to compete- comes popping out of the Goblet of Fire as a fourth champion. How did you do it, Harry?"
Harry: (hotly) "I didn't! My name was put in by Barty Crouch Jr. while he was dressed up as Mad-Eye Moody."
Jeremy: "Oh, yes, that story again. A supposed Death Eater who's down in the records as dying in Azkhaban nearly a decade ago suddenly comes back to life, overpowers one of the best Aurors of all time, uses Polyjuice Potion to disguise himself and spends an entire year living a masquerade among people who know Mad-Eye well, and not one of them ever suspected. And he did all this so he could get you into the Triwizard Tournament and help you win."
Harry: "Well, yes, but it wasn't like that, it was…"
Jeremy: "Yes, Harry, we're sure you've got a good story. You've always got a good story, don't you, Harry? But no matter, let's go on. So you manage to win a tournament that's a challenge to wizards much more experienced than you, and all you had to do was paralyze the Durmstrang contender and kill the Hogwarts champion. Why did you do it, Harry?"
Harry: "It wasn't like that! Krum was under the Imperius curse and attacked Cedric; I had to stun him. And I didn't kill Cedric, Lord Voldemort" (audience gasps) "did!"
Jeremy: "Yes, Harry, that's the story you've told from the beginning, but again, there's no witnesses but you, are there? At least, not any living ones."
(Picture flashed onscreen showing Cedric dead on the ground, with Harry clinging to him)
Jeremy: "This is all we saw at the end of June, Harry. Just you and Cedric and a Portkey, him dead and you hanging onto him. Feeling remorse at that point, Harry? Sorry you killed him just to win?"
Harry: (hotly, enraged) "I DIDN'T KILL CEDRIC."
Jeremy: "Of course, Harry, of course. It was the Dark Lord, again." (Rolls his eyes at camera) "Three out of your four years, you've faced him and defeated him, or so you claim. But there's someone here who has a different view of things, and let's bring him out now. Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a round of applause for the Hogwarts potions teacher, Professor Severus Snape."
(Audience applauds perfunctorily as Snape enters and disdainfully shakes Jeremy's hand)
Jeremy: "Now then, Professor Snape, you've been teaching at Hogwarts for 15 years now. What's Harry Potter like as a student?"
Snape: "A particularly poor one, I assure you. If it wasn't for his friend, Miss Granger, he would've failed Hogwarts years ago. I myself have repeatedly urged the Headmaster to expel him for his rule breaking, his failure to perform adequately in my class, for his attention-seeking little stunts. But the Headmaster has so far declined to follow my advice."
Jeremy: "So Harry doesn't follow the rules, eh? And he likes to get attention? Well, that's all of a piece with these outrageous claims about You-Know-Who, isn't it?"
Snape: "Potter has always seen himself as above everyone else. He thinks that scar makes him someone" (pause) "special in the wizarding world."
Harry: "That's a load of rubbish, Snape! You just don't like me 'cause my dad used to dangle you upside down when you were both at school."
Snape: "Your father was a big an attention-seeker as you, Potter. Perhaps your misplaced belief in how wonderful you are is (pause) genetic."
Harry: "Don't you talk about my dad like that, you (bleeped)!"
(Audience reaction shot, gasping and booing)
Snape: "As you see, Jeremy, Potter here thinks he can get away with anything, no matter where he is."
Jeremy: "That certainly seems to be the case, Professor Snape. Thank you for your time, Professor, and we'll be right back."
(Audience shot, cut to commercial)
(Return from commercial with audience sweep, Snape is no longer onstage)
Jeremy: "So now we come to the present, Harry. You've supposedly met and defeated the Dark Lord four times now, including the only documented case, when you were just a little baby. You've won the Triwizard tournament by knocking out one contestant and coming back with the dead body of another. What does Harry Potter do next?"
Harry: "Well, I'll be going back to Hogwarts to continue my education."
Jeremy: "You claim the Dark Lord is back, but you're going back to school, Harry? If he's really back, and you've defeated him so many times, why aren't you out there looking for him? I'd think after beating him so easily four times that you'd want to help the world by finishing him off."
(Serious mugging for the camera while the audience laughs)
Harry: "He is back, you big twit. I can't go after him alone, he's got all those Death Eaters back around him, Malfoy, and McNair, and…"
Jeremy: "Ah, yes, we come to that point now. Lucius Malfoy, one of the most prominent purebloods in the Wizarding World. McNair, a Ministry of Magic official. And others. You've named a lot of names, Potter, but they all seem to be either prominent unquestionably good people, or the parents of Hogwarts students who've gotten on your bad side. Lucky coincidence, Harry, that people you don't like all seem to be Death Eaters?"
(More mugging for the cameras, while the audience laughs and boos)
Harry: "That's it, I'm not taking any more of this. You told me you wanted to talk about Lord Voldemort's" (audience gasps, boos) "return and what people could do about it, and all you've done is twist things around and bring on that (bleeped) Malfoy and that (bleepbleepbleepbleepbleep)-er Snape, and I am so out of here."
(Harry stomps off the set, while the audience boos and catcalls, and Jeremy throws up his hands and pretends to be shocked.)
Jeremy: "Well, we're certainly likely to believe that boy, aren't we folks?"
(Audience cheers and jeers)
Jeremy: "Coming up next: Dark Lords and the women who love the men who love them, with our special guest Pansy Parkinson. Exclusively on the Jeremy Weller Show, right after this."
(Cuts to commercial and at this point the viewer decides to change channels.)