Warning: Massive spoilers for "Lil Sebastian" and one of its cliffhangers, and some spoilers for "The Bubble"
After all this time, it still amazed Ben Wyatt that every day in Pawnee still amazed him. For all of the wacky, insane things that happened here, everyone got through it and treated it like normal. One would think that with the citizens' poor heart conditions and cholesterol, they wouldn't be able to stand the madness every day- especially since it got madder pretty much every week.
Maybe that was the surest sign that Ben wasn't really a Pawnee man yet. Because if he was, he wouldn't have such a hard time staying upright and sane each day. Or perhaps he was already too insane to realize how nuts he was now. Either way, the point was that they could handle insanity better than he could.
But even they rarely went through what Ben had in these last 24 hours. Having a secret affair uncovered by your secret girlfriend's boss, having it discovered again by the maintenance man for a mini-horse's funeral, barely keeping said funeral going when they had to bribe the maintenance man….and then all but burning the most famous mustache in Pawnee off. All in all, it was only the fifth or sixth most frantic 24-hour period of the last year.
And even all that still couldn't quite top last week's new No. 1 of facing his secret girlfriend's mother- and then having her hit on him. And now that he had to be extra careful to avoid his secret girlfriend at work, he was sure the rest of the top five would have new entries soon enough.
When Ben thought about it like that, he almost wished he could eat all of Ron's ultra-fattening foods every day. At least that would be a less painful and quicker way to get a heart attack than this. He'd avoided one so far, but by the time it finally came, it was sure to be a doozy. Yet with his luck, it wouldn't come until two or three more years of secret dating.
It probably wouldn't need to be secret for that long, but if it could happen anywhere, it would be in Pawnee.
And since that heart attack would finally happen if he had to keep looking at Leslie from afar, he figured that was the right time to get some air.
He knew he should probably be thinking about those people Leslie had met with, and what they could have possibly said to her. But after the stress of these last 24 hours, Ben couldn't really deal with any more twists right now. Besides, Leslie would probably tell him later, whenever they were able to talk again.
For now, he could only handle thinking about the most recent threats to their relationship, and how they barely held them off. Only this time, they nearly turned Ron into a flaming pile of collateral damage, and nearly ruined the biggest funeral in town history. True, it was still a funeral for a mini-horse that Ben still didn't get, and probably wouldn't get before his own funeral. But he still had enough sense not to say that out loud, at least within 500 miles of Pawnee.
Yet this historically odd funeral still wasn't ruined. Leaving aside the additional death of Ron's eyebrows, it still went perfectly- at least as far as the other mourners knew. Once again, Leslie had fended off disaster, put on a great show, and would surely reap the benefits for it. Sure, Tom and Jean Ralphio's new so-called company handled some stuff too, but not like Leslie had to.
By now, Ben really had to stop doubting that these shenanigans would turn out for the best. Because no shenanigans could stop Leslie, especially when she had something big to protect like her job, her department, her funeral for her favorite unlikely town icon, and him. True, there was more of an asterisk to this victory, thanks to the torch mishap, and it was Ben who finally bailed them out against Leslie's mother last time. Yet that was a drop in the bucket compared to Leslie's other flawless wins, and the ones she'd probably have to make in the future.
But why should he have to make her do all that?
They'd only been seeing each other for a few weeks, and already they'd escaped disaster more times than he could count- or had the brain capacity to count right now. Even if they avoided each other at work, and limited their….special time to home, how long could that go on without another crisis? She was right in saying that this sort of thing wasn't sustainable- and if he ever wanted anything to sustain, it was this.
Yet thanks to Chris, there was no other way. He had to keep going through this series of wacky, hair raising events, until they were caught by someone who wasn't Ron, Ann, Leslie's mother, or a maintenance man. And then they would both be fired, and then there'd be no way that Leslie would want to stay with him. She could still be with the man who might wreck her beloved job, but not with the man who actually destroyed it.
For the three-millionth time, Ben groaned about how unfair it all was. Why did he have to finally find the most addictive relationship of his life, only to start it with this many mishaps? Why did they have to have such great jobs that they couldn't just give up?
Well, actually, only Leslie's job was great. His he could take or leave. He wouldn't have been capable of thinking that last year, but his priorities hadn't shifted last year. In fact, the only reason he hadn't already quit was because Leslie would be mad at him, and feel guilty over it. But it was better than losing his job and Leslie's all at once. Why couldn't he just be the one to get fired, since his indiscretion was much more scandalous?
Why couldn't he?
Now he was beginning to think things that Leslie would certainly yell at him for, if he said them out loud to her. But after the last week or two, it certainly looked a lot more appealing otherwise.
Despite all of the aggravation Chris had put him through, he was still a friend. Aside from this one issue, of all issues, he was a reasonable person, so it was possible for him to see the light. If he could just talk to him one on one, lay it all out there, and not leave until they had worked out a solution that would let Leslie keep her job, perhaps that was worth considering.
He couldn't do it now, and he probably couldn't do it tomorrow. But once all the dust and praise had settled from the funeral, Ben could actually work out something. Now that he wasn't going to spend as much work time with Leslie, he needed something to distract him. Planning out a way to talk to Chris, and making him see that Ben should be the only victim here, could fill a few days or so.
If he had to, he'd postpone an after-work date or two with Leslie, and come to Chris's house to work it out. It would be easier to spend several hours debating with Chris in his home than in his office, at the least. After he finally won Chris over, he could then clean out his office the next day, and spend the next week or so talking Leslie down. Eventually, he'd reach the part of her that wanted a real relationship with him, and would be relieved that it wouldn't destroy her job anymore. But given how big and formidable her selfless side was, it probably would take a full week.
Yet it would be better than a week of dealing with Leslie's mother, butt-dialing Ron, salvaging a nonsensical funeral, and having to agree to limit their time together at work. And it would certainly be better than actually limiting their time together at work. And even if Leslie stayed mad at her and at herself through it all, at least Ben could make some very public apologies.
Maybe this was how the madness was finally taking a toll on Ben. But maybe it was time to redefine what madness really meant. Even by Pawnee standards, madness was endangering what was already his best ever relationship- one that hadn't even gone public yet- for a mere assistant city manager job. A job that wasn't even the main one he wanted to save right now. Besides, if he could talk Chris into letting only him resign, and not let the reasons for it go public, he could return later on to some other government position that didn't compromise Leslie.
Heck, maybe if he did well enough, Chris would let him keep his job, and just make sure he didn't have to oversee the parks department. That would be the most logical solution- maybe so much so that he should have thought of it months and months ago. But if filling that plot hole worked, he wouldn't care how long it took to think of it.
Still, he'd have to say a lot of things to Chris before he could get that far. That's why he needed a few days to actually plan out every talking point. Since he couldn't get help from Leslie, and wouldn't have it if he did tell her, it might take a while longer. Yet he could still do a few things without Leslie, even if it was only a few things now.
But if this worked, Ben could reduce that list to zero sooner than he dreamed. And with that in mind, he had his decision in place.
He'd officially excuse himself from the party, and tell Leslie he was too worn out to spend any after work time. If he could block out Andy and April replaying "5,000 Candles In The Wind" back home, he could have half his talking points set by the time he went to sleep.
In fact, Ben was already dreaming up a few of them, as he started to walk down the halls on his way back to the party. But his train of thought was interrupted when he heard some footsteps approaching.
Ben stopped to see that the same people who met with Leslie were coming down the hall, having now left the party. But again, that new development could be saved for another time. As such, he stepped to the left to give them room to pass by. Yet it wasn't like they would notice, since at least one of the men was talking on a cell phone right now.
"Knope said yes, sir. Now we just have to figure out what council seat we should run her for. No, she said there were no scandals to worry about. She at least sounded convincing, so maybe it won't be that destructive either way."
Once those words faded away, Ben suddenly had room to think about that one more twist.
The meeting, the smile from Leslie during that meeting, the smile she gave him afterwards that was now so clearly uncertain…..
Somehow, Ben was less shocked about what this meant, and more shocked that this wasn't the heart attack trigger.
Someone finally wanted Leslie to run for office, and she had said yes.
And now for the first time in months, Chris seemed like the smallest possible obstacle to everything.
Now they had political committees, election opponents, scandal-driven election coverage, and a relationship that could now destroy Leslie past the point of no return. Now Ben realized just how lucky he was to have Chris as an opponent instead.
But then Ben also realized how his plan to come clean with Chris couldn't remotely work now.
Even if he succeeded in every way possible with Chris, he still couldn't come forward as Leslie's boyfriend. Once he did that, every political operative possible would put together why he resigned, and how strange it was that he was with Leslie a short time later. He couldn't even resign, and then be with Leslie a few months later in public, because they'd still find some way to figure it out- especially if it was close to the election.
And even if he resigned, and kept everything a secret until after Leslie won the election, her new opponents in City Council would probably dig up the dirt to ruin her. And even if they didn't, her opponents for Mayor, or whatever higher office she'd then run for, would do it themselves later.
Either way, it was over. He had destroyed Leslie's rising career before it even got off the ground. Whether the election cycle exposed them in one month, six months or a year or two, it would happen at some point. And it would be uncovered by people who would wait until the worst possible moment to crush her with it. People who weren't Ben's friends, who wouldn't eventually listen to reason, and who wouldn't limit the damage just to Ben's career.
The only real way to save her was to stop seeing her altogether. But Ben knew that this could never be an option, since he just wasn't that selfless yet. Even Leslie couldn't make him that incredible.
The next most logical answer was to just keep it all a secret, as planned. But Ben had figured out that this couldn't work for much longer just a few minutes ago. And that was back when the consequences were just Leslie getting fired.
Having this stay a secret for this long already defied all logic, and believability. But even long time secrets had to be exposed eventually. It just so happened that whenever this one did, it would now ensure that Leslie's entire political future, and not just her parks career, would be destroyed forever. And despite all that, Leslie apparently said yes to running anyway.
For the 13 millionth time, Ben cursed to himself about how unfair this whole mess was.
But for the first time, it led him to think about whether it was worth it at all.
There was now officially no good way out of this, and no chance left for Ben to take the fall alone. All the poor secrecy, madcap antics to keep their secret, and having people discover it all anyway…..this was going to be their lives from here on in. Even those rare moments of being able to enjoy time together would be much rarer, now that Leslie would have a campaign to work on.
Only Ben Wyatt could finally find the girl of his dreams, have to keep it a secret, and now have to keep it secret pretty much forever. And now, not even the dream of having an open, regular relationship was realistic anymore.
So what the hell was it all for? Just some kind of mad, twisted lark that was more about piling on obstacles than letting them be happy? What lousy, contrived way was that for this to work? What in God's name was the logic here?
And now that there was no chance for it to end well….what in God's name was the point, other than to make him the one to destroy Pawnee's future Mayor? Why didn't he just run away now, let Leslie fulfill her political destiny, and let Pawnee and America reap the benefits? Why not perform this one final, smart, act of mercy?
But then the unmerciful part of Ben's brain remembered the answers.
Because it remembered how conflicted Leslie's smile really was after that meeting.
Because it remembered that she actually said she wanted to be with him minutes earlier.
Because it could now remember how immensely proud he was of Leslie, now that he fully realized her dreams were coming true.
Because it remembered how unbelievable a Leslie Knope campaign would really be, especially up close.
Because it remembered that Ben wanted to be really up close to see it all.
And it now remembered those first two points, and how they signaled that in spite of it all, Leslie still wanted to be with him. In spite of the new pain, turmoil and guilt she was probably feeling right now.
With that, Ben was officially off the ledge, and back to an acceptable level of madness. But his insanity was small time, as it always was when compared to Pawnee and its citizens. Whatever he was going through, it was probably nothing, compared to what Leslie must be thinking right now.
This should have been the greatest moment of her life, and now it was being tainted because of…..this. So how could he turn away from her in her all-time greatest hour of need now? This was much more of her crisis than his, and he would not be the one to decide it one way or another.
Whatever she decided to do, he had to be there to hear it, and help her through it. And if she decided that he wasn't worth it after all…..he had no right to argue with her. But she would not decide after he got himself fired first. She might eventually stop blaming herself for that under normal circumstances, but she couldn't do that while working on a campaign.
Yet if she really did still want him, in spite of all these new risks…..what kind of monster would he be to not give her what she wanted? Or to resist what he really wanted more than ever now?
Once again, Ben allowed himself to revel that Leslie….his Leslie, had gotten her big break at last. As unrealistic as her big dreams for higher office seemed to him in the Mean Ben days, it was turning into reality now. And once she won this, and showed off her magic in the City Council, she'd probably be running this town in no time. Who could resist being a part of that, even a super secret part?
Ben couldn't ruin that for her. But if he tried to end things for her sake, a part of it would be ruined for her anyway. It was probably partway ruined already, so the thing to do was contain the damage. At the least, they had to talk about it and make a plan, and a far better one than they had in the last few weeks.
She hadn't come to him with any of this, and if he hadn't heard about it by accident, he might not have known for days or weeks. In any case, since they were distancing themselves in the workplace, their new rules wouldn't allow her to drop big bombshells like that here. That was definitely for the best, as she was probably so confused and conflicted now, she wouldn't know how to tell him. Therefore, he should at least let her figure out how to break the news, and let her decide how she wanted to handle it.
Leslie would certainly go to Ann first, and if anyone could help her sort things out, it would be her best friend. Since she was a full on Leslie/Ben supporter, she could certainly talk Leslie out of any new second thoughts about him. After getting that dose of Ann wisdom, she would be able to tell him the truth, and be more capable of addressing what it would mean for them.
Heck, now that Ben didn't have to plan for a talk with Chris, he could spend the next few days on ideas for this ordeal. Then if Leslie was still nervous, he could talk her down- although his ideas probably shouldn't seem too prepared.
But if Ben could talk himself down after these last few minutes, then he could talk down anyone, regardless of his ideas.
He shouldn't have felt relieved, since he was technically back where he started, only with much worse stakes. But Ben had already endured this much, and somehow managed to still be close to Leslie. After all that, this couldn't break them apart now- at least not without a little effort to stop it. He still wasn't entirely sure how hard Leslie would let herself fight to keep it, now that everything she ever wanted was it reach. Would she really risk all this just for him, no matter how unfair and rotten this choice was?
Even if she wouldn't, he couldn't go anywhere until she told him so herself. But unfortunately, he probably needed to go now, to start planning ahead for the coming battles.
So Ben finally took some much needed deep breaths, and headed back into the party. He quickly found Leslie standing by herself, and decided to just go over there, before he tried to study her face more than usual.
"Some night, huh?" Ben asked in the understatement of the year. "I think I should go start sleeping it off. So….I'll see you around tomorrow at work."
"Or not, since we might be too busy," Leslie said a bit quickly. But Ben chose to believe she was still trying to follow their new rules, which may or may not have been a good sign. "I need my sleep too, so if I'm too sleepy to drop by tomorrow, it just means I'm too sleepy."
"All right, I'll trust you on that," Ben said a split-second before he realized his poor choice of words. In the next split second, he saw a flicker of guilt in Leslie's eyes when he mentioned 'trust' Both of them knew why that was, even if Leslie didn't know why Ben knew.
But although Ben knew he made Leslie feel guiltier about keeping the meeting secret, he was also….strangely reassured. Although she regretted staying quiet, it showed that she still cared enough to spare him the unpleasant truth for a while longer. In spite of being handed the keys to her dreams, she wasn't just tossing him and what they had aside yet. Which meant she really might still be willing to keep him around. Which meant he might just care about him enough to risk it after all.
Now that he had a better idea for sure, the rest finally seemed manageable. That fact made the last few weeks manageable, so maybe it would do the same for the next several months too. And maybe was better than nothing at all. But it was certainly worse than that conflicted feeling he saw in Leslie's eyes, so he needed a better final word.
"That was an amazing job today. Any praise you get for this is well deserved, and way way overdue." Maybe that still hinted too strongly at what had happened several minutes ago. But Ben figured he framed it in such a way that Leslie wouldn't suspect anything, and would just focus on the sappy stuff.
"Are you sure that comment is work appropriate?" Leslie asked, but in a playfully serious fashion- or as playfully serious as she could get.
"I guess old habits die hard, on the slim chance they die at all." That was probably the limit to how sweet he could be, so he limited himself to just shaking Leslie's hand. It wasn't a good night kiss, as they had gotten used to doing lately. It wasn't enough to make either of them forget the hard times on the way.
But in their current state, just holding each other's hand- even in a handshake- was enough to give them comfort, and to make them remember what they were going through all this for.
"Good night, Leslie," Ben offered, on the off chance she could still have one.
"Good night, Ben," Leslie countered, putting on her best brave smile to reassure him.
Ben had become far too good at not hugging her in moments like this, at least in public. He knew he was going to have to become a master soon, however. Perhaps being able to actually walk away now was a good first step.
He would have to walk away a bunch more times, for some time to come. She would have to do so too, no matter how difficult it might be for her or not. With this kind of challenge on the way, they may not even have a concrete plan in place until the end of summer, at this rate. But Ben swore to himself that he wouldn't be the one to ruin their plan.
Any last hope for a clear, quick, painless resolution was officially over, and there seemed to be no good way out. Yet every time Ben thought that before, there was always a flu-ridden speech, one actually good interview, a lifted curse, a meal at a wallflower mural, a pep talk for Ann, and a first kiss to prove him wrong.
This next obstacle would be the hardest one yet. But if he really was still sane after those other obstacles, this one….probably wouldn't turn the tide. It just couldn't now.
Even if it might take four months or so to find a new plan of attack.