Author's Note: Spoilers up through 6.03 "Epic Fail." Before telling Foreman he quits, Taub muses to a friend on how much he has changed and what lies in store. No slash intended.
Confessions to the Air
I played a video game today.
Oh, I know, I was just as surprised as you. Weird thing is, it was actually my idea. Our patient is a gamer, and when we went to search his office, all the equipment was just sitting there. I don't know what possessed me, but I suggested to Hadley that we play. So we did. And it was… awesome.
I blame you for this.
I'm in my forties, I shouldn't be playing interactive, 3D, virtual reality video games. Certainly not with a twenty-something girl. I wasn't even very good at it – the darn cyber bird/bat things kept killing me. I can hear you laughing even now. But, God help me, it was fun.
And all I could think about was… I should be doing this with you.
Hadley can actually be quite fun when you get her to stop angsting about stuff. Get her out of the hospital and away from Foreman and she's very pleasant. We had a surprisingly good time. You always said she had potential, but I never gave her the chance before. Not until she was all I had left. But I still wish it had been you. It should have been you.
I'm not completely sure what I'm still doing here. House isn't here; he went nuts and quit. No, literally, went nuts and quit. Foreman is trying to run the department. I say "trying" because… umm, let's just say… he isn't House. A blessing and a curse probably. It's really not his fault – on one level, he doesn't want to be anything like House. But on the other hand, he won't succeed because he's not enough like House.
And that's the weirdest thing: I never thought I would miss House. I came here to work for him, to learn from HIM. And even when he abused me (and you know he did), I took comfort in the fact that I was doing something important. Something greater than enhancing breasts or straightening noses. Plus… there was you. My bright spot. You made it bearable. You made it fun. Sometimes you were the only thing that got me to come to work, kept me from staying in bed all day. In a weird and horribly ironic way, you were what kept me from blowing my brains out all over House's office on several occasions.
But now the problem is, I don't have you. I don't have House. I'm stuck with Foreman and his love nugget. I'm an island, once again. I think I've been trying to emulate you… trying to do what you would do in order to, I don't know… survive, maybe. To hold on to a part of you. "WWKD" – What Would Kutner Do? I don't want to forget about you, but it's so hard to think of you without remembering what you did. And that's not how I want to remember you. I don't want to think of you with a gun in your hand, I want to think of you… playing video games with me, like you should have been today. I never gave that to you, I know. I even mocked your gaming once, and I regret it every day. All there is now is this big void. It's all I feel, every time I walk into the office. Like the air inside has been sucked out and I'm left standing in a vacuum.
Maybe it's time for me to move on. I don't see where I fit in with this department anymore. If House was still here, there would be more things to learn. But not with Foreman in charge. I don't know where I'm going to go, but wherever it is… you'll come with me, right? I'm not ready to forget you, not ready to give you up. You'll come with me? Haunt me, if that's what you need to do, but I don't want to lose that part of you… the part you gave to me. That part that has made me… take more chances. Care more. Try to have more fun. The part that makes me play video games, albeit poorly.
I still miss you. There, that's what I've been trying to say: the same exact lame thing I've said every day since April, once I could bring myself to talk to you again. Even after six months… I'm not ready to stop missing you. Can you show me where to go next? If it's time to move on from here, I think I can make the change. But I want you to be there. So if I go, you'll have to come too. Okay, Kutner?