notes: this story is set after Prim's death. Apparently I'm in a writing mood at the moment. I really wanted to get into Katniss' mind for this, but I've never really written anything like this before so I'd love feedback. I hope you enjoy!
disclaimer: I own nothing.
The sky swirls outside – blues, yellows, greens, pale whites smear together in a messy child's finger painting.
A girl leans on the window, watching the clouds soar across the sky. Her bare shoulder rests on the cool, grimy glass. Outside, the palette of colours smudges together and deepens to grey. Faint lights from the town meld with the darkening sky. The wind whips across the valley. Distant sounds of machinery echo and the girl shivers.
"Prim!" calls a voice, and the girl starts. Reluctantly, she stands, sighs, and moves towards the door. Her sister looks in.
"Prim," she reprimands gently, "you were supposed to be in bed ages ago."
"I know, Katniss," the girl, Prim, responds. "I just… I miss you."
"I miss you too," Katniss replies, and reaches out a hand to touch her sister's cheek. Prim's mouth opens in a silent scream but it's not Prim anymore, it's her mother, staring blankly and uncaringly at her eldest daughter.
"Mum," Katniss whispers, because even after all her killing she is just a child, but her mother doesn't respond, and that's when Katniss realises it isn't her mother after all; it was never her mother. It's herself.
It's herself, and as Katniss gazes, horrified, at her own mirror image she panics. She collapses and then Rue's voice is begging her to stay with me, stay with me and she can't, she just can't and the other Katniss has her hands over her ears and she is rocking back and forth and muttering to herself and Katniss isn't sure which is the real her anymore.
She isn't sure; she doesn't know anything anymore, she doesn't understand why she couldn't die, why she had to stay alive and live. She opens her eyes and immediately regrets it because she isn't in Prim's room, she's in the meadow, their meadow, and the meadow is filled with dandelions.
Dandelions, she thinks, and almost smiles but she's forgotten how. Peeta is walking towards her and smiling, smiling, and he loves her so so much but she can't love back, she can't love, she can't, because she's not a person anymore, she's just a machine, a mutt, bred by the Capitol to destroy everyone she loves. She doesn't have a heart, and she can't love, and she is a danger to everyone, and why isn't she dead yet?
Prim, she thinks, Prim. I love Prim, but Prim is dead, she's dead and gone and blown up and dead. The dandelions wither and die because everything dies and Katniss can't, she can't die, she has to stay behind and live and be alive.
It's worse to live and be left than it is to leave, she knows, but no one else understands and they won't let her leave. And nothing is possible anymore and everything is impossible. She can't do anything and she can't not do anything, she has to do something, but it's not possible it's just not possible why can't they all just leave me alone I just want them to leave me alone –
and Prim, Prim, she thinks, because Prim loves me and I love Prim
and stupid cat buttercup i hate you stupid cat ill cook you and everything explodes nothing works anymore why doesnt it work why cant i do anything i cant i cant –
Katniss wakes, gasping, sweat covering her body. Despite the adrenaline coursing through her, she shivers with cold.
It's cold in the Capitol. It's always cold.