Chapter one – Discovering Oneself

After the terrible events at Hogwards, Draco just followed the Death Eaters and let himself being dragged by Severus to Side-Apparate them once they reach the school's boundaries. He didn't care. What he cared for really was that he nearly killed someone tonight. Dumbledore still died, though not at his hands. Suddenly, with all the blurriness of the events, he felt like he barely knew himself. He wasn't the boy he had been when he woke up that morning. Who was this matured Draco? He didn't know and that frightened him. He knew he couldn't go on and rely on his parents. He wasn't a miniature version of his father. He was someone. He was someone who had almost become a murderer.

Still oblivious to what was happening around himself, he felt the sensation of Apparating, then he got carried over to a couch where he made little effort to even get comfortably seated. He knew Severus was saying something, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Eventually, Severus just scolded and Apparated away with a crack.

Severus… he had been the one to use the Killing Curse in the end. And he – his old self in fact – had loathed this happening because HE wanted all the glory from it. HA! Really, had he really been such an imbecile, ignorant, and naive young man? Merlin, he almost resembled Longbottom with that description. He'd been so full of himself then – and it had been only hours ago too.

And now… how vulnerable he knew he really was. His parents always were the ones to keep him from that world. His Father might support the Dark Lord, but that didn't stop Lucius from keeping him away from the battles or from knowing too much about their actions. He had known that something was building up last year. His Father got called at meetings more often than before. But he knew at the same time as every body else what had happened at the Ministry and how his Father was implicated and caught. His Father had been the only real barrier between him and the Dark Lord.

The mission didn't even sound simple. Draco accepted because of the Dark Lord's promise to get his Father out of Azkaban, and because of how grateful he was to the Dark Lord to have finally seen his potential as an ally instead as an ally's son. What a fool he'd been. He had to kill the one wizard the Dark Lord feared, and all he could think of was how proud his Father and Mother would be of him when he'd be done.

He could look back on his old self's behaviour. He shook his head disapprovingly to himself. Why did he try to be his Father so much? He was Draco Malfoy. He could think by himself, and wish for whatever he wanted. And right now, he wished this night hadn't happened. So what, what was wrong with having an old lunatic as headmaster? What was wrong with having friends and chatting in the common room without a care in the world? Not only had he lost his old self, he also lost the life he had at Hogwards. That hurt. At the beginning of the year, he was already on a path to destroy his life as he knew it. And instead of thinking about what he'd lose, he followed the path that led to Albus Dumbledore's death. The path of criminality. The Dark Side.

At last coming back to the present, coming out of his previous shock of suddenly maturing ten years in ten minutes, he looked around him and knew instantly where he was. The dark dusty furniture, the lack of a fireplace in the lounge, the window through which he could see the black sky. The couch he was seated in was the only one in the room. And he knew it was the only one in the whole house. There was no carpet on the floor, or any other decorating ornaments for that matter. Just this practical coffee table in the middle of the room, and the couch. Severus always lacked taste when it came to tidy his home.

Draco tried to remember what Severus told him before he left, but couldn't remember what it was. He knew it was important by the way he remembered how urgent his voice had been, but for the life of him he just couldn't remember. He sank in the couch. Probably he had gone to a Death Eaters' meeting to report how the break into the school had gone. And surely to report how badly he handled a certain part of the mission and how Severus had to interfere. Not being at that meeting would surely not do him any good, but going there wasn't going to smooth things out either, that much he knew. So he'd just wait there until Severus was done reporting.

While he waited, he had time to feel the guilt creeping into his heart, the mourning of a kind Headmaster who only ever wanted peace and the despair caused by his fogged path. How could he have done this??! Or even agreed to it? Looking at the situation now, the future looked grim… the Light side's chief gone, whom will it be to guide the Light to the win? Wait, Light side, the winning side? He couldn't see the Dark side as his side anymore, that didn't mean he was for the Light side! And they were going to loose the war anyways, what Malfoy chose the losing side in a war? Which meant he was now neutral… great, a target for both side.

If Potter wasn't such an idiot weakling, maybe the Light side would have had a chance. But even with Granger as a brain, what could a bunch of teen do in a war of power against the most powerful wizard? Scar head couldn't do anything about it… and he certainly didn't feel much better to think that thanks to him, the world was about to know more deaths and terror, and nobody could make a difference.

Maybe I can.

…I did not just think what I think I just did, did I?

I did…shit.

Just then, Severus Apparated in front of him, looking quite tired. He looked just as dishevelled as he had before leaving. His greasy hair fell all around his head, which was much lower than the way he held it while he taught. Well he certainly would never be teaching again now.

"Would you kindly move, Draco, so I can sit in my own damn couch?"

Draco quickly got up and Severus took his seat. Closing his eyes, the Potion Master sighed heavily and looked about to fall asleep right there and then. Draco danced from one foot to the other, uncertain of what to do with himself.

"For Merlin's sake Draco, just sit on the small table and stop this incessant shifting."

As Draco did what his godfather asked of him, Severus slowly opened his eyes to look at him. A long moment passed in silent as they gazed at one another before Draco finally broke the silence.

"What happened at the meeting?"

"The Dark Lord is terribly happy with what you did, how you made it possible to invade Hogwards." Severus finally said, "so he has overlooked the fact that you didn't kill Dumbledore."

"So that means…"

"That means you're safe for the time being, but not for long. The Dark Lord isn't one to forget anything. He will soon know that I killed him, and you will be nothing more for him than a lost school boy he has no use for." He sighed again. "If you had done it, you would have matured in a way that would be profitable for him. He could have used you then."

Frowning, Draco couldn't see the logic in that, so he asked:

"I don't understand how? What's the difference?"

Severus looked at his godson as if he was suddenly at the same intellectual level as those dumb Gryffindors. Then he shook his head and said: "It is all about your mental state, and he just intended to use that to control you, just as he intend to do with the other apprentices."

Draco nodded. He could see his point now… if he had killed, he would have been robbed of his blood innocence and the Dark Lord would have been there, arms wide open, to guide his shattered self back 'on track'. Brilliant, really.

"Even though I did not shed any blood tonight, I still matured, Severus."

The Potion Master levelled Draco's gaze for a moment, as if looking for evidence. Eyes widening when he saw the calm and yet severe look in his godson's eyes, he suddenly got up in front of Draco. Surely he couldn't be seeing what he thought he was seeing…

"Draco…" Severus grasped Draco's shoulder. "Draco, have you chosen?"

Severus couldn't make this question clearer. He had been very disappointed, and sad, and frustrated with Draco's naivete when he accepted the mission. And through the years before that. The Draco he had known at those times leaned solely on his father, his father's views, his father's opinions. The Draco from that time had never even thought about that war as seriously concerning, or worth his time. That Draco was just a brat. The man he had in front of him was not the Draco he knew. This Draco knew what life meant, and he most certainly knew what this war was about to cause. Draco most certainly knew now which side he was on.

"Yes, Severus, I have chosen."

The Potion Master unconsciously tightened his hold on Draco and waited for him to continue, but he didn't. He simply stared back, unmoving.

"And what have you decided, Draco?"

Surely, his thoughts about what Draco had decided couldn't be wrong.

Draco slowly got up, taking Severus' hands from his shoulders, where they were causing bruises already, and held onto them as he answered.

"I can just tell you I have chosen not to let people die. If I can do something to lessen those deaths, I will."

"You realize you're telling this to the Dark Lord's most trusted Death Eater?" Severus asked him, releasing his hands from Draco's.

Lowering his head, Draco looked at his hands, where his godfather's had been. He could still feel their warmth. That was probably the last time he would be holding those hands.

"Yeah I do. I just think I should tell you how much I'm grateful for your intervention tonight." He raised his head then. "And I doubt we will be seeing each other again after tonight. We might as well say our goodbyes now, since I hold you so dear in my heart."

His godson's face never betrayed his feelings. He was resolute to achieve the right thing, and he would. Severus knew that whatever he could say wouldn't stop him.

"Well er…" He looked embarrassed a bit, but it came out as being annoyed since he wasn't used to show embarassement. Draco knew all this and smiled knowingly. "I'm not all that used to this goodbye stuff, so if we could leave that –"

Draco interrupted him by hugging the man who frightens so many first years, the man who never knew affection except from a green eyed girl a long time ago, the man who couldn't comprehend how one twists one's facial muscles to form a smile.

"I'll miss you Sev."

Severus' arms slowly came around the young man, and they both embraced each other a long minute before they pulled apart.

"Be careful Draco. I will not tell a word about this to the Dark Lord if you are concerned about it…"

"Thanks Sev." Draco smiled, and took his wand out. "And sorry about this."

Unafraid, Severus took his own wand and watched as his godson stupefied him, turned around and left definitively his house without glancing back.