Title: Save Yourself

Author: Coneflower Adams

Rating: PG

Timeline: Pre-quel to "Baby Mine" series, but can stand alone.

Disclaimer: Don't own X-Men. Ray Crisp/Berserker is a character from X-Men: Evolution.

Summary: Insomnia and loneliness bring two complete opposites together and helps them to find a new normal.

Writer's note: This is a really old fanfic that I had posted somewhere else but never on this site. I rewrote it a bit and now it seems to work better.

It just sort of happened.

After the battle on Alcatraz Island, I didn't have anywhere to go, wandering the country until I found myself outside the gates of the Xavier Institute one night. Seeing the condition I was in, they took me in, like good little X-Men soldiers, and gave me a second chance.

I was under constant watch for several months. I had to be on good behavior, which wasn't easy when 'old friends' were constantly trying to provoke me into fights. I finally gained some kind of trust with some of the X-Men with having good behavior, seeing that I wasn't there to burn down the whole joint, and they started to lay off me some.

I needed something to do around the mansion instead of being just a louse. Being a teacher was out of the question. I didn't exactly fit the standards of the X-Men, my attitude rivaling Wolverine at times. I do have a slight skill for fixing things and hooking up technical equipment, something I learned from being around Mystique for a time. Storm made me the maintenance man, even giving me a monthly wage.

Some of the new kids took an interest in me. I was like this legend to them – the pyromaniac who returned from the darkness of the enemy's shroud. This one kid named Ray (codename Berserker) liked bugging me about my time with Magneto. Ray understood to a point what it was like to be on the other side. He lived with those damn sewer-dwellers, the Morlocks, for a long time. We liked comparing stories.

Even with Ray's company, sometimes I still felt lonely. I would never admit it, sometimes not even to myself. My own pride and the fact I needed to keep a reputation up kept me from that. My past was coming back to haunt me, not only with what I did with Magneto but all the other crappy things I did in my life. I understood why I did all those destructive things with the Brotherhood, but understanding the reason didn't help the guilt go away.

Insomnia set in after four months of being back. I'd sleep for a few hours then be awake for the rest of the night. I'd sit in front of a computer screen in the library most nights reading something called fanfiction on the internet. Yeah, not the classiest stuff out there, but it helped pass the time.

One night I got up from having a nightmare about being burned alive by my own fire. Those kinds of dreams came often. I walked into the library to found my usual computer occupied.

"Miss Straight A's pulling an all-nighter?"

Kitty gave me a death glared. "You're such a pain, Pyro." She glanced at the clock on the wall behind me then replied more calmly, "I've been having a hard time sleeping lately."

For a while I had noticed during the day when she'd pass me in the hallways that Kitty looked exhausted. Bags under her eyes and everything. Even though we sparred with words sometimes, she was one of the older students who still treated me civilly. I pulled up a chair. "How come?"

"Like you care."

I shrugged. "You may be right, but I haven't been sleeping lately either. I'm bored, tired, and lonely. You can spill anything to me right now and I'd be interested."

Kitty cocked her head. "You're lonely?"

I scowled at her and cursed myself for letting that word slip. "What's it to you?"

"John, it's okay. I just find it strange that you'd say that, because I've felt that way for a long time." Kitty hung her head, blushing. Apparently she was embarrassed to admit it too.

"You?" I asked, skeptical. "Kitty, you could be friends with everyone in this place. When I left, you could barely keep track of them all!"

She sighed in frustration. "Just because I'm not alone all the time doesn't mean I'm not lonely. Things have changed. With so many deaths, especially the Professor's and what happened on Alcatraz, it's like it's thrown me for a loop. I don't feel like I can connect with anyone that I used to be able to, and it's so hard to even try. I don't feel good in general anymore." She looked me straight in the eye, and for a split second, I saw in her face what I had seen in the mirror lately. "I just want some peace and happiness in my life."

I expected her to cry her eyes out and ask for comfort that I wasn't prepared to give. But Kitty stayed dry and collected, her control over her emotions impressed me. We talked for over an hour, though Kitty did most of the talking.

At first glance, we may not have much in common, but somehow we related to each other. A few times a week, Kitty would stumble into the library or kitchen looking for me. She'd give me a tired smile, and we'd hang out together until one of us felt like going back to bed. We'd talk a lot, about serious issues or trivial things. Other nights, we passed the time with companionable silence.

I found Kitty Pryde wasn't as annoying as she used to be. She also wasn't the goody-two-shoes I had assumed.

"You called Juggernaut a dickhead?" I asked, eyes wide at the thought. If I had done that, I'd be a pancake.

Kitty laughed – a real laugh too. "I couldn't resist. Besides, it's the truth."

"Damn right." I held out my hand and Kitty slapped me some skin.

Our insomnia went on for a few months. I'd collapse on my bed at random times during the day and get a couple hours of sleep. Kitty supposedly got some sleep between helping with training students and early evening. We were both still tired most of the time.

I hated to admit it, but I enjoyed being around Kitty. I was always the one who thought I didn't needed people, thought I was better off by myself or on my own. Living inside myself, not keeping any company was a lonely road I didn't want to walk down anymore.

I tried not to think about it too much, but Kitty had become an attractive girl. She wasn't a knock out or anything, but I finally admitted to myself how cute she could be. Things never progressed until one night when Kitty showed up crying.

One minute I saw her crying. The next minute I was holding her. It just sort of happened. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong, just cried into my chest.

"Please just hold me, John" she said and I held her most of the night on the couch in the library.

Holding her raised my need for her to a whole new level. My relationships with girls summed up to zero, and Kitty's relationship with boys was the same I assumed by what she told me. Not like we hadn't had experience with other people, especially with kissing, but never a real relationship. This want for real, lasting need was new and I liked the feel of it.

Our nightly insomniac meetings had become more of a routine. We were closer physically too after that night. I didn't hold back with touching her, but I never pushed anything. She'd make sure to kiss me on the cheek every time we left each other's company. We started having lunch together out on the grounds or going into town on weekends.

I felt like a different person being with Kitty. It was like the past had disappeared, but I wondered if this life I was living now was real. Apparently Kitty felt the same way.

"After Alcatraz," she started one night in the kitchen as we shared some chocolate chip cookies she'd made earlier that day. "I wanted things to get back to normal. I've tried to get back to the way I was before for a long time, but nothing worked. I'm starting to realize it's never going to be the same as it was before. I guess I needed to find a new normal."

I'll never forget the way she looked at me across the kitchen island. I wasn't good at spotting it, but I could see that she was looking at me with hope in her eyes. "I think" her voice hesitated for a moment, "I think we made a new normal for each other, John, but I'm afraid of losing it."

I was around that damn gigantic island in seconds, attacking Kitty's lips with mine. I wanted her to know how much I needed her, how I wasn't planning on going anywhere any time soon. Her breath huffed on my face as I pulled away.

"You're not gonna lose me, Kitten. Let's do something crazy, let's get married." The words flew out of my mouth so fast, I had to think about what I just said.

Kitty's mouth fell open, the shock pretty obvious on her face and for a crazy moment made me wonder if I just destroyed everything. "Are you proposing to me, John?"

Was I? I wasn't sure at first. It was just the first thing that came to mind. Looking into Kitty's face, I felt strength and hope and most of all, love – things that were pretty much foreign to me before. It wasn't a mushy feeling. It was real and tangible, which is weird to say talking about a girl who can walk through walls, just as real as the fire I can hold in the palm of my hand.

I smiled at her. "I've tried separating myself from everyone else. I've been on both sides of the war – finding out I don't belong on either. I think I finally found where I need to be."

I touched Kitty's cheek with the palm of my hand and kissed her again – this time slower and passionate. Now that I look back at it, the moment turned pretty damn mushy, but it did get me the girl and a life I didn't think would ever happen for me. Did I deserve it? Hell no! Was I going to question it? Not back then. I wanted what I saw in front of me, and I wasn't going to let that go. Too long had I fought to keep my pride and wallowed in my past. That wasn't going to stop me this time.

After our recklessness settled, we talked about the whole marriage thing. Kitty's sensible planning for the future must have flown out the window after Alcatraz. She was more than ready to do something crazy like this, and we agreed that we weren't waiting.

The next weekend, we drove to Atlantic City in a borrowed red convertible that used to be owned by Cyclops. We didn't tell anyone where we were going. We weren't thinking of the consequences. Figured we were strong enough together to handle whatever happened afterwards. Kitty had just turned eighteen a couple months prior and I was already nineteen, so we were both legal adults.

The ceremony was simple and to the point, just the way I like it. The little chapel we found had a deck that overlooked the Atlantic Ocean. Waves crashed onto the shore as I was told to kiss my bride. In that moment, it felt like nothing could touch us.

We couldn't afford a fancy hotel, so the Comfort Inn had to do for the overnight honeymoon. Those scenes in movies always look so cheesy. You know, the scenes where the groom carries the bride into a honeymoon suite, sets her on the bed then passionately kisses her until their clothes are gone and they're making rabbit love – usually for days at a time. The farthest me and Kitty got was me scooping up her tiny little self outside the hotel door and carrying her over the threshold.

Then I just stood there holding her in the middle of the room as she hugged my neck. People would probably think I was insane to say this, but throwing her down on the bed and ravishing her at that moment would have taken away from what we were sharing. Trust me, when the thought came to mind, I assumed I was going crazy not wanting to rub flesh at that very moment with the beautiful girl in my arms. But I found out she felt the same way.

"John, I'm nervous," she told me as I sat on the side of the bed, seating her in my lap. Her head was in the crook of my neck. I was loving the feel of her hair on my skin. "I've never gone anywhere passed kissing." Her face turned red at this next part. "And we've only made out a couple times since last week."

A part of me, the lower part to be honest, was clawing to go, but my head was telling me to not push the poor girl who barely knew what marriage was let alone getting down and dirty. She trusted me to do the right thing too. Damn.

"Am I asking too much for us to take it slow?" Kitty giggled her little embarrassed giggle, but her eyes worried right back at me. "I thought I was ready for the next step, but- am I making any sense?"

Laying a heated kiss on her forehead, I tried to be what she needed me to be – the guy who loved her and wanted to protect her. "Yeah, Kitten. I could care less if Magneto all the sudden showed up and offered me world domination, I wouldn't leave you even if you do want to do things backwards." I got a real laugh out of her. Even if it was funny, I was being serious. I wasn't going anywhere, and if I had to go, Kitty would go with me.

"Mrs. Katherine Allerdyce," Kitty said, smiling. "I like it."

I smiled back, wiggling my eyebrows to get her to laugh again. "I like it too."

We didn't care what the world thought. We wanted this. But you can't always keep the world from interfering with what you want.