First kill: My hands shook as I stared at the blood coating my skin in shock. Sensei pulled my away from the clearing to our camp. The crimson liquid was washed off but I could still see it, still feel it. Sensei told me that I did the right thing and not to think much of it he was a bad man after all. I nodded deftly all the while wondering weather or not the man had a family… or even a pet fish. Questions like that haunted me for many weeks day and night. Finally Sensei had to take me aside and give me a lecture.
He told me that if I were to continue being a shinobi I would have to except and embrace death just like everyone else. That I wasn't doing anything wrong after all he would have died anyways. When that didn't work he told me that many of the higher ranking shinobi have ways to distract themselves from feelings of remorse. Sensei told me that it would be perfectly normal from me to find something to distract me.
I took his words to heart.
Second Kill: This time my whole body was convulsing as I knelt in the pool of blood my newest victim had made as she bled out. We had to be around the same age, she was very pretty. I bet she had a boyfriend who would miss her terribly. Sensei stopped beside me and I remembered our talk. Slowly I stood up and turned away from the fallen Kunoichi's body. Reaching into one of my pockets I pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one up. Taking a long drag I closed my eyes and let the smoke out slowly. Sensei didn't say anything as I began to cough and wipe the blood off my hands.
My team mates were outraged at my new habit but I told them to bite their tongues and tossed the scroll to Sensei. I didn't spare the girls body a second thought this time. I was to busy worrying about weather or not I would get addicted to my distraction.
Third and Fourth Kill: Two genin from the Sand lay at my feet. My team mates had taken out the other one. Wiping the blood off my hands I lit another cig and walked over to my team mates. I took a drag as I tossed the scroll into my satchel. Letting the smoke flow from my mouth I offered one to my team mates. They shook their heads and told me that I was going to die of lung cancer if I kept it up.
I wound up giving them the same speech as Sensei gave me as we waited for the others to reach the tower in the forest of death. I think they understand now why I smoke because they don't say anything when I light up.
As the kills went by the more tolerant I became. My victims lost their faces and simply became a number. I believe it was number twenty-two when I realized I was addicted to cigarettes. Thirty five I promised my self I'd quite and thirty six I broke that promise.
I would be lying if I told you I couldn't kill with out having my cigarettes because I somoked more out of addiction than I did distraction. It's been this way since I realized that in the end we are all just bodies. However I can't help but wish that it wasn't so.
As number fifty seven falls I wish that I smoked because I needed a distraction and not because of an addiction. I wish my old team mates would beg me to stop and tell me I was shortening my life time, but they don't. They don't because they're shinobi as well and they know just as well as I do that after a while our victims aren't people. Just bodies and if I were to die because of my "distraction" yes they would mourn me but not like a civilian mourns because to a civilian I'm a person but to a shinobi I'm just another body.
It's too late to go back and change now I suppose. Perhaps all I need is another distraction.
I think I'll start drinking tomorrow.