A/N: Be warned that the POV in this is sort of weird. I really hate first-person POV changes, but this is… not that. Think of James narrating the three theories in third person, and the bracketed things are actual conversation between him and Sirius. I could have worked it out better, I know, but once again I've barely any time before the deadline. :/ Sorry.
(An Introduction—Or, James Potter Is Confused)
James Potter had just been kissed.
Well, that alone wasn't too surprising. He'd been kissed before, of course, several times (not that he kept count).
The thing was, James Potter had just been kissed by Lily Evans—the very last person in all of Hogwarts he'd thought would ever even think of doing such a thing. Hell, he'd expect Moony to kiss him sooner than Evans.
Still disoriented by the lingering sensation of her lips on his, he sat motionless on the common room sofa and wracked his brains for an explanation. There had to be a motive involved; he was sure of it. Lily Evans was clearly up to something. But what?
(Theory Number One: Polyjuice—Or, Lily Evans Is Secretly a Master of Disguise)
["So this is how it happened—Lily walks into the common room, sets her bag down at the table..."]
She sat at the edge of the chair, her Arithmancy book open but her attention focused elsewhere. She gazed across the room at the back of James's head, fantasizing about—
["Oi."]
She gazed across the room at the back of James's head, and made up her mind. Reaching into her pocket, she retrieved a small, gleaming pair of scissors and approached him with the most charming smile she could muster.
["Yeah, and then she talked for a bit—stalling, y'know?"]
And then her lips found his, and it was bloody amazing. She had her hands tangled in his hair, and he had his on her waist.
Of course, before she pulled away, she quietly snipped a lock of his hair with those tiny scissors and slipped it back into her pocket.
And then, because she's a devious little bird, she smiled at him and hurried away. She went into her dormitory and took out the little vial of Polyjuice she'd been keeping on hand and added his hair. Merlin knows why. Probably to satisfy some perverted—
["Prongs."]
...that was, to aid in research. Right.
["Prongs, you have a hyperactive imagination."]
This was clearly one of the most possible explanations for that mysterious incident.
(Theory Number Two: Potions—Or, Lily Evans Gets a T in Her Favorite Class)
["Now that I think about it, it definitely could've been a love potion. Don't you think...?"]
Lily Evans was the undisputed potioneer of Gryffindor. She was probably better at Potions than Slughorn himself, considering how often he relied on her to answer questions.
She wouldn't be expecting to encounter any outside of class, though, would she? (Besides her homemade Polyjuice brews, that is.) Of course she wouldn't. And that, Padfoot, is why she would never think anyone would put a bit of love potion in her evening pumpkin juice.
It was probably McKinnon, that pervert. It would be too easy for her to smuggle in some Adoration Amalgamation from Hogsmeade... A drop or two would be enough for a kiss, yeah? Expect she's saving the rest for herself, for use on Sirius.
["Wait, what?"]
So McKinnon poisoned her, of course, and then she felt the need to kiss James as soon as she entered the common room. It's simple, really.
(Theory Number Three: Aliens—Or, Lily Evans Helps Intelligent Life Comprehend Human Emotion Through Treachery)
Aliens.
["Yes, Padfoot, those little green men we're not supposed to see in Astronomy. It was them."]
One fateful night in October, their spaceship beamed down a representative to Gryffindor Tower—right into the seventh-year girls' dormitory—and ever since, they've formed an alliance with the girls as an opportunity to investigate humanity.
They'd already gotten all of their ideas of intelligence from Evans already, of course, and then they wanted to know about human interaction. Friendship was easy, as was distrust, if all that gossip about Macdonald and McKinnon is true; then, they just had to look at Alice and Longbottom for love.
Of course, Evans got another special experiment. She got to kiss James Potter and see what would happen if she ignored him afterwards. Ch. What was the logic in that?
["Shut up, Sirius. I am being logical."]
(Theory Number Four: The Unthinkable—Or, Lily Evans Actually Wants to Kiss James Potter)
This one had cautiously entered his mind, of course, but it was ridiculous.
Lily Evans had sworn herself his enemy since first year, and he had sworn himself her future date. Everyone knew of this weakness of his, and everyone knew how often she spurned him. If there was one thing she would never do of her own volition, it was this.
He supposed she had been tolerating him a lot more recently. She had even waited for him after Charms the day before. And she had started calling him James instead of Potter, which was odd, to say the least.
Still, to actually kiss him was completely out of the question. Lily had made it clear for the past six years that there was no way anything between them would ever happen.
He had just begun to believe it, too.
(The truth was, Lily Evans had no pretense for her sudden actions.
She didn't know how it had happened, but she had grown to really like James. And… well, perhaps she had acted rashly, but she didn't exactly regret it.
Tomorrow, she would confront him once more—explain her actions, hope he wasn't too mad at her, and hopefully start anew.
For now, though, he could keep up his analyses. They amused Sirius enough.)
A/N: This was written for Round 2 of the Quidditch League Competition, in which I am filling in for the Caerphilly Caterpults' Beater 1.
Lyrics used as inspiration: "Can I be? Was I there?/It felt so crystal in the air./I still want to drown whenever you leave;/Please teach me gently how to breathe." —Shelter, the xx
Prompts: weakness, pretense
Hope it wasn't too confusing!
Ebaz