The combination of excitement and nervousness in me right now is immense. I am about to go see my favorite band, in person, alone, in a room, with them, talking to them. I don't know whether or not I'm going to scream or vomit; an hour with the members of My Chemical Romance backstage before the show. I am wearing my MCR tee-shirt and my ripped jeans with my signature combat boots, obviously. I hope I don't do anything idiotic. Knowing me, I probably will. I am Emily fucking Keane, the klutz queen, the embarrassment magnet. I will probably trip and fall, or puke on Mikey… Just as I am playing all of the terrible situations in my mind, I feel a tap on my shoulder.
"Emily?" I look up to see a tall bald man in a dress shirt. He has a headset around his neck and he is looking at me, I can tell he is judging my appearance.
"Yeah, that's me." I respond. I think he could hear the nervousness in my voice because he smiled a little.
"Right this way." I stand up off of the plastic chair and follow him down a small white hallway. We stop next to a metal door and he opens it. "I'll be back in an hour." He says and walks off.
I enter the room to see four smiling faces. The room is an off white paint with a couch on the wall directly as you walk in, a table and chairs off to the left side, and a TV mounted on the wall to the right. My eyes light up as Mikey comes up and shakes my hand.
"I'm Mikey. That's Gerard, Ray, and Frank." I smile like an idiot. I can see that they're amused by their expressions. Ray looks at me in a confused way, as if he is searching for something.
"And you are?" Ray laughs.
"Oh uhm… I'm Emily. Yeah… Emily." I stutter as I speak. Ray and Mikey look pleased and Frank starts to laugh a bit.
"You don't have to be nervous, Emily." Frank giggles.
"Oh, Right." I manage to say. I feel so stupid. Like they're all judging me. 'Stop being so weird Emily. You're going to freak them out.'
"Want to sit?" I hear a familiar voice. Gerard. Gerard FUCKING Way is asking me to sit by him. I nod my head and walk over to where he is sitting. As I sit down He smiles at me. I still look and feel pretty damn awkward. I am so nervous and I can't stop smiling.
"Hi. Oh my god. I've been your fan ever since I can remember. I am just so happy I'm sorry." I smile so widely I'm sure that they all think I'm a basket case. "That's a really cool necklace!" I say as I look at the key around his neck. It was spray painted black and had a small silver skull painted on the top.
Gerard laughs "Glad to hear it. We love our fans. Thanks by the way. I made it for Mikey originally but I liked it so much that I never gave it to him." He looks at me awkwardly as I twiddle my thumbs and grin more.
"I'm sorry; I just can't believe I'm here. I have so much I wanted to say, but I don't know how to phrase it anymore. I rehearsed it in my head a thousand times." I look up at Gerard and smile.
"Well, talk away then. We're happy to hear anything you have to say." He smiles weakly at me, almost as if he is expecting me to be a creepy fan girl that proclaims her love to him.
"Okay, so my sister used to have a good friend named Beth. She would come over all the time, and when I was younger, people didn't really talk to me. They were actually pretty mean. She was the one person that made me feel like I mattered. Anyway, one day she brought her favorite CD over to our house. It had the song Helena on it. Even though I was seven, I still loved it. I didn't even know what it meant; I just knew it made me happy and it reminded me of Beth, and it made me feel important."
I stop talking for a moment and look around. Everyone was quiet and looking at me. They all seemed quite somber as they sat and listened. Gerard had shifted his body to face me more, Mikey was sitting on the ground cross legged in front of me, Frank was leaning against a table in the room and Ray was sitting in a chair backwards so that he could rest his arms on the back of it. I had their full undivided attention, which made me feel awkward.
I continued. "As I grew older, I forgot about the album entirely. Beth stopped coming over and so did Helena. People became meaner, so I switched schools. The school I ended up at was for bright kids. I was very smart, but hated to show it. I never tried but somehow I got by; at least that's how it used to be. At this new school, I fit in well socially, but academically, I was a hot ass mess. I was failing everything because I refused to try. Even though it was a fixable problem, it was still very stressful. I have never been one for handling stress well so I resorted to self harm."
I look around. No change of expression on anyone, like they've heard it all before. I can feel their eyes on my arms now, but I don't really mind. As uncomfortable as it is, I expect that much. I'm used to people staring anyway.
"I wouldn't have been able to make it to the summer without Jessica, my best friend. As rude and obnoxious as she is, I love her. She helped me through a lot, even though she didn't understand it completely. The only thing she didn't help me with was my self harm. I couldn't tell her because I didn't know how."
I pause and let myself breathe for a moment. I let them absorb what I was saying.
"When school finally started back up again, I met someone. Someone perfect; someone so different from me, that I was instantly drawn towards him. His name is Aaron. We became best friends rather quickly and were inseparable from each other. We had our secrets and our quarrels, like a brother and sister. Whenever I was with him, I just felt so…. Happy. I think that my brain and heart got all crazy mixed up because I thought I had developed feelings for him, which really fucked me up. I knew that we would never be able to date or anything because we were so different. For months, this stirred in the back of my mind, which led to stress, which led to self harm. I finally decided to tell him. I told him about my mixed emotions and how knew that we could never be together because we were so different, but most importantly, I told him about my self injury. He was disgusted by the thought me getting upset to the point where I would harm myself, so he left me completely. He just stopped talking to me. Not only he left, but all of my happiness left as well. He took it all away and I became an empty shell."
Everyone is looking at the floor when I look up; everyone but Gerard, who is looking directly at me with a concerned look on his face. I start again.
"There was nothing left of me to give. No effort in anything. My self harm became worse, I had no motivation. I started hanging out with the wrong sort of people, the ones who smoke weed and drink vodka before class. I was a ratchet ass mess. I got high every day before I did anything, just so I didn't have to feel emptiness. I drank my sorrows away to try to forget. Everyone was noticing my behavior but they pitied me so they did nothing for a long time. Jessica finally put some sense into me one day when she told me how others were looking at me and what people were saying. She helped me stop and face the reality of life, even if it did suck. I was better for a bit but everything hit me at once. I had no real friends except for Jessica, my grades were absolute shit, and everyone looked at me like I was some drug addicted street bum. Needless to say, I left the school. I went to public school, which was a mistake. I am bullied… a lot. People are so cruel. I got an anonymous message telling me to kill myself. The girls were mean to me. People called me 'dyke' and 'emo' on a daily basis. Things weren't going so well. I wanted to die. One day, on the way home, I stopped at the drug store and bought some sleeping pills. When I made it to my house, I stole vodka from the liquor cabinet and locked myself in the bathroom. I sat on the floor with the alcohol and pills and just as I was ready to take them all, I heard a familiar song come on. Helena was blaring from somewhere in the house. In a car outside, I don't know. All I knew was that Helena was playing. I stopped everything I was doing and just cried. I thought about Beth and how she made me feel like I mattered. I thought about how I mattered, even if others didn't seem to think so. I put the pills in the toilet and the vodka in the sink. I didn't kill myself. I lived. All thanks to you guys. I'm glad that I didn't kill myself too. I met this girl named Emma at my summer camp. She helps me a lot and is my best friend. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't met her. I'd probably be dead. She's talked me out of suicide a few times too."
The room is silent. Nobody moves for what seems like forever. Gerard stands up and takes my hand. He pulls me off of the couch and gives me the biggest hug he could manage. Apparently I am crying, although I don't notice until he holds me. He just holds me there and lets me cry. Mikey joins in the hug, followed by Ray and Frank. After everyone releases me, they all take turns telling me about their struggles in high school until the bald man with the headset returns.
"Excuse me, but you need to leave now." He says impatiently in the doorway. I look longingly at everyone and they start to say their goodbyes. Just as I am about to follow the man into the crowd of people, Gerard stops him.
"No. Let her stay. Please." I turn around startled. As if something bit me in the butt. The bald man looks at him, very confused like "but, sir…"
"No buts. I want her to stay. I'm not finished talking to her." He walks over to me and holds my arm up to show the man my scars. "She has been through hell and came back to tell the tale. She has touched my life. I need her to stay." At this point, I don't know if he is kidding or not. I look at him with a very confused look on my face, similar to those of the other band members.
The man thinks for a very long time. "Very well, Mister Way." He says before closing the door behind him on his way out.
"Gee, what are you doing? We need to go onstage soon." Mikey asks. I think I am just as confused as he is because I was thinking the same thing.
"She can come too, or watch from backstage or something. Em, how would you like to come onstage with us for a bit?"
Is he serious? I am in shock. "Uhm wow, yeah defiantly. Holy shit." I say. I am stunned that he would even talk to me; much less ask me to stay longer.
"Gerard, we have to get ready. We go onstage in an hour. She has to leave." Mikey turns and looks at me. "I'm sorry, Emily."
"You guys go and get ready. I'll stay with her for a bit. It will be okay." The boys look at each other with that 'what the fuck' face that you give to your friend when someone says something stupid.
Frank shakes his head. "Whatever, Gee. Do what you want." He stands upright off of the side of the table and walks into the next room. Mikey and Ray look at each other and shrug, following Frank into the room he just entered, leaving Gerard and I alone.
There was silence for a long time until he said "I can see you're still sad." He looked at me for a long time with concern, almost as if he was searching for something in my eyes. I said nothing. "They're still hurting you, aren't they?" My smile fades as I nod softly and look down. Gerard sighs and opens his mouth to say something, but changes his mind. He lifts up my chin to raise my head and looks at me. My eyes were welling up with tears.
"Shhh… shhh….. don't cry, please, I'm sorry." He hugs me again and puts his hand behind my head, placing my face to his chest as we are in embrace. "You're beautiful; you really are. Don't let anyone tell you different." He rocks me back and forth gently.
"But I don't feel beautiful. I feel fat and ugly and unwanted." I force out with a sob. "And everyone is leaving me because of that reason. I'm fucked up mentally and nobody wants me anymore."
"What do you mean everyone is leaving you? Jessica stayed and Emma is there too. It's just that little prick who doesn't know anything about how you really feel. I will always be here too. Please stop crying." He says.
"Jessica did leave. She left when I showed her my scars; she told me I was insane and left, said that we couldn't be friends. If I remember correctly, she said 'What are you a fucking tiger? I can't be friends with you. You're a freak' then she walked away. She left." He released me, held me by the shoulders, and looked in my misty eyes. "Emma is still here. She is the only person that I know won't leave me. But she lives so far away. The only way I can talk to her is through Facebook, we call if I'm lucky. I love her so much though. Even though she lives miles and miles away, I trust her more than anyone that lives down the street. She is the only human being that I trust fully."
He looked into my eyes with a stern face and said "Keep her close. She sounds amazing." I smiled a bit and laughed.
"She is. She's perfect." I say. "She's perfect."
"And so are you. You are a beautiful girl that has been through too much shit. You're lucky to be alive, and I am so happy that you are. I have been through hell myself and it changes you, it really does. This is going to sound very strange because we just met, but I love you. I really do, but in a non-romantic way. Everything you say makes me think and I can relate to it. You're wise and misunderstood and kind and beautiful. I just want to hug you and make all of your depressions go away. I love you, I really do. Never forget it." I was startled so much by this. I looked at his face with a confused gaze.
He smiles. "Let's get ready. I have to get into costume. We go on in an hour. You're coming too by the way." I smile and follow him into the next room. Frank, Mikey, and Ray are dressed and ready.
As Gerard walks into the back room, Mikey stops me and says "Let's get you into costume!" I step back for a bit, confused.
"Costume? I am wearing a costume?" I ask baffled. Mikey nods.
"What you are wearing simply won't do. You get to look like one of us! You don't have to wear anything you don't want though. We just thought you would like something to wear." He smiles warmly. "Let's see what we've got!" He and Frank lead me to the tour bus and bring out a suitcase from the back room. When they open it up, I see white button down shirts and ties, a black parade uniform, colorful tee-shirts and jackets, and makeup. Lots and lots of makeup.
"Hmm… I think anything from the revenge era will fit you. It's all Frank's before he grew up all strong." Frank laughed and nodded.
"I used to have the body of a twelve year old girl." He said. "Pick whatever you want. You can even keep it. I am not wearing this anytime soon, plus the revenge era is over anyway." He laughed.
I look carefully and pick a shirt and tie. "I'll wear this. But I'll keep the pants I'm wearing. Flair jeans aren't really my thing." I snicker as I grab an MCR armband.
"Oh, C'mon! It was 2003!" Frank cried. Mikey and I laughed.
"I can really keep this? I can keep Frank Iero's authentic motherfucking Helena outfit?" I say as I pick it up. "God, it stinks..."
"Febreze, mother fucker." Mikey said.
Frank ignores our comments and answers my question. "Sure thing. We each have like three so it doesn't matter. Plus it doesn't fit. PLUS the revenge era is dead so…"
I put the shirt on over my MCR tee-shirt. "This is so rad! I can't believe I'm even here with you guys. Like, I look up to you, you know? You have helped me through so much." I start to tear up and Mikey and Frank both look at each other.
"You okay?" Frank asks. "Come here…." Mikey says with a smile they both come over to hug me, trying to stop the tears.
Mikey releases me but Frank continues the embrace. When I don't stop crying, he gently rocks me back and forth. "We're here, and we will always be here for you, no matter what happens. All you have to do is turn up the stereo."
I wipe my eyes and smile. "I know. I really do. Thank you so much." I take shirt andtieI and carry it to the stadium. As we walk there, the fans are lining up on the street, screaming as they see Mikey and Frank. I can hear them yelling at me too, asking me who I am; asking Frank and Mikey who I am. Nobody answered.
When we make it to the dressing area, Gerard is changed and ready, standing by the mirror putting his makeup on. I take off my tee-shirt to expose my black tank top and as Mikey sprays the dress shirt with an intoxicating amount of Febreze. I put it on and move to makeup with the others.
I look at all of the products wearily and hear Ray laugh. "Me too; I tend to avoid that shit." He said. Gerard smiles at me from the makeup table.
"I like your outfit, very fitting." He smiled and walked over to me. "You get revenge makeup though. You could be a killjoy if you want."
"No, no. I love the revenge era. It really has meaning to me. Also, I don't know how to do my makeup. I can do like, foundation and mascara, but none of the fancy shit going on here." Everyone laughs, even Ray, who obviously doesn't know how to do his makeup either.
"Let Gerard do it. He went to art school." Frank says as he puts on his eyeliner. Gerard smiled at me and pointed at a chair in front of him.
"Mhmm. Here, sit down." As I walked to the chair he was directing me to, he gets out his makeup brushes and some unknown powders and goops. "This may be a bit lighter than your skin tone, but it will work… that was a dark era. You're supposed to look dead."
He smothers layers of powder and paste of white- peach goo on my face to the point where I feel like he's frosting a cake. "There perfect complexion. All artists need to start on a blank canvas." He pulls out black eye shadow and a brush. He puts it under my eyes and under my cheekbones lightly until the skin is tainted grey. Next he pulls out burgundy eye liner and lines directly under my bottom lashes. "Perfect; you look dead. I love it." I turn to look in the mirror and I must say I look great.
"I should have been around for the revenge era. You could have had me in the Helena music video or something." Gerard smiles and I can hear Mikey yelling at him to get ready to go onstage. "Let's go. You're helping me sing and you can dance around onstage and do whatever you want."
I beam from ear to ear with excitement which makes Gerard smile too. "Let's go!" I say with enthusiasm. Gerard and I walk over to where the others are standing. Everyone is preparing their amps and tuning their instruments. Gerard can sense my nervousness and takes my hand.
"If it makes you feel better, the first show I ever performed, Mikey and I got super drunk because of the nerves. You're doing better than we were." He smiles and takes my hand. "You're going to be great." He turned to the rest of the band.
"Now guys, we're gonna have a great show; a special show. We're going to have a special show because Emily is here and she has been through some tough shit and we helped her through it. We've been helping her through it for years and we didn't even know until today. If that doesn't give you an adrenaline rush, then I don't know what will. Let's bring the house down with the help of our new friend." He smiles at me and everyone brings it into a hug. Mikey pushes me in with the others.
"Aww… Guys, can we just go out in a hug? This is too perfect, I don't want to let go." Frank says. Ray hits him in the back of the head and Gerard and Mikey laugh.
Mikey pats me on the back and says "Good luck kid. Have fun out there. It's going to be great." Then Gerard grabs my hand and we all walk out onstage. The crowd goes insane and screams bloody murder. Security guards have to hold them back from the stage.
Gerard brings me up to the microphone with him. "Now are you ready for this show to start?!" The fans cheer back yelling and screaming. "Now before we start, I have to introduce you all to a special person right here from St. Louis. You may know her she goes by Emily. She took the time to tell her how much this band meant to her so we're letting her on stage just for tonight. What do you say?" Once again, the crowd cheers and yells. "I can't hear you; I asked a question I expect you TO FUCKING ANSWER! WHAT DID I SAY?!" The crowd cheers even louder than before and Gerard said 'THAT'S MORE LIKE IT!"
The opening song is Na Na Na and I'm jumping around stage. Gerard let me sing the first verse which was great. After was Sing and Ray picked me up and spun me around during a guitar break. During Destroya Gerard and I stood next to each other at the front of the stage and danced all sassy like during the moaning part. Kids From Yesterday came on and I went insane. That song is my jam. I was jumping around and singing along in random people's microphones and just having a good time. They finished the first half of the concert and broke for a twenty minute intermission.
"God that was amazing! Except this outfit sucks. So hot!" I say as we go backstage. Everyone laughs and smiles. We all grab water and sit down and change.
Frank turns to me. "Emily, you're singing Helena after we finish playing our other songs. All we have left to play is Vampire Money and Bulletproof Heart. You're going to be great."
"But I can't even sing!" I protest. Mikey turns around swiftly and frowns at me.
"Are you insane? I heard you sing along with Kids From Yesterday. You're really good; better than me." Mikey says as he turns back around and fixes his hair.
"Yeah, you're actually really good. You should give yourself more credit." Ray declares as he tunes his guitar.
"And I'll help you, obviously. We just want you to tell the audience your story and sing them the song that saved you." He smiles at me as we head back out onto the stage.
It was the fastest two songs I've ever experienced in my life because soon enough, it was my turn to sing. I go up to the mike with Gerard and he introduces me again.
"Once again, this is Emily. She has been through some fucked up shit and we praise her for it. She made it out alive. She's going to tell her a little bit about what this song means to her and then she is going to sing it. It's going to be great! Give her some love!" The fans cheer but I know it's for Gerard and not me, and then the crowd goes silent.
"Well… uhm this is awkward. I'm kind of being forced into this but whatever. I'll go for it! When I was younger, I never really fit in right. The only person I could confide in was my older sister's friend Beth. She was the only person that made me feel like I mattered. She always listened to this song when I was younger and it stuck. I loved it. Well shit happens as you grow up and you forget music that you used to love. People leave you and hurt you, depression gets the best of you and suddenly, suicide seems like a nice option. Just as I was about to commit, this song came on somewhere and I decided to live. Helena is why I'm here today."
Once the guitar starts I start to sing softly. At first nobody in the crowd does anything but once the song picks up, people start to sing along and jump around. It is kind of an amazing experience to have everyone cheering for you. After the second chorus, I got really emotional and start to cry and yell the lyrics, not sing them. It only eggs the crowd on more. I'm sobbing by the end of the song and I kneel onstage and just cry as everyone cheers for me. I can hear them scream for me to continue. I raise my head up and throw my fist into the air before Ray helps me up.
Gerard makes a few goodbye statements and we all go back stage now that the show is over. I thank them profusely and tell them how much I don't want to go.
"Well we're going to be in town for a few days… we can meet up again!" Frank says enthusiastically. Everyone agrees and Gerard gives me his cell phone number.
"You can call me for anything. Really you can. I'm here for you one hundred percent. Plus, we will meet again. I promise you. We will meet again." He forces a smile even though he is noticeably upset.
"I hope we meet again. This was probably the best night of my existence. If I were to die now, I'd be completely content and happy." I smile and everyone huddles around me for a group hug before they make their way to the tour bus. A tall security guard comes to retrieve me and escort me to my car.
When I get into the driver's seat, I break down into tears. I didn't tell them my true intentions of why I came here. One of my biggest dreams was to meet Gerard Way before I die. I just wanted to meet him and tell him my story so that he knows his impact on some people and feels good about himself. I never meant for him or any of the others to get so attached to me. I never wanted any of this to happen. I'm glad it did, but I feel like shit for not telling them.
I feel like shit for not telling them that I was to die by Sunday night. It was Friday, and they leave on Monday. Maybe the doctors will be wrong. Maybe I can live until they make it to the next city. Gerard told me that he loved me. He told me that he loved me and he didn't know why. If he loves me then he wouldn't want to see me die. I should have told them from the beginning. They would have been weary and wouldn't have gotten attached to me emotionally. I wouldn't have gotten so attached to them.
I drive home and go straight to bed. I awake in the middle of the night from an awful dream. I was in a field with nothing but an empty house in the distance in sight. I look around and start to scream but nobody is there to hear me. People I love are appearing around me and set themselves on fire. I scream for them to stop but they don't listen. Emma is the first to go; then my sister. My mom is next. Jessica, Aaron, Max, Connor; everyone I care about, incinerating themselves. I scream and run away to the nearest building. It is a hospital. I tell them to call for help and nobody listens to me. They admit me to a room and lay me on a metal table. A man in a white lab coat and hospital mask restrains me on the table. I try to move, but I can't. He comes back with an insanely large syringe filled with amber colored serum. I scream and cry and try to get out of the restraints but he proceeds to inject it into me. I get very tired very quickly and I hear people declare my death. Then I wake up.
I look at the clock and see that it is four thirty-eight AM. I decide not to go back to sleep so I go to the kitchen and make coffee to get my mind off of the dream. It was so real, like I was there. I could actually feel the heat of the fires and my body still felt like it was burned from being in such close proximity from the burning people. I settle on the couch with the twelfth edition of Hellboy and my coffee. As I read my comic, I begin to fall asleep.
I awake to the sound of my phone ringing. 'Unknown Number' I usually ignore these, but pick up anyway.
"Hello?" I ask.
"Hi! It's Ray! We want to meet for coffee. Do you want to come?" Ray Toro? On the phone with me…? So last night wasn't a dream after all.
"Of course I want to go for coffee with you guys. Where were you thinking of going?" I ask. I can hear someone shout in the background.
"That's where you come in" He starts to laugh. "We don't know any good coffee places." There is more yelling in the background. "Who are you talking to? Ray! Ray, answer me!" I think its Mikey, but I can't be sure.
"Well there's this really weird cute coffee shop in University City, but it's kind of hard to get to. It's like a coffee shop with a stage and cool bands play there sometimes. It's nice; really good coffee too. Plus, not many people know about it so, more privacy. I go there to think sometimes." I answer his implied question.
"Cool, so we'll be at your house in what, thirty minutes? You can ride with us. Give the driver directions or the address. I'm really excited! I can't wait to see you again. None of us can." I can hear the enthusiasm in his voice, but all I can think about is the fact that I'm going to die. At least I am spending my last days with Ray, Mikey, Frank, and Gerard.
"Great! I can't wait either." I say.
"Cool, see you then!" the phone disconnects. I go to my room and shower. I wash my face in the sink as images of last night's dream torment me relentlessly. I get dressed in my usual type of outfit. I am wearing my skinny jeans with a black Gorillaz tee shirt and my oversized military green denim jacket.
The bus pulls up to my house and I can see my neighbors come out of their houses to see what the racket was. I mean, most of my neighbors are elderly and it was ten o'clock on a Saturday morning, who would blame them? The look on their faces turned from wonder to disgust as they see four young men dressed in dark clothing come and knock on my door. Their faces turn from disgust to concern as they see me open the front door and follow them on to the bus.
I hand the driver the address and off we go to the coffee shop. They all make small talk with each other and me. I feel so guilty for letting them know me and like me when I am just going to ditch them. I'd rather have them listen to my story and let me on my way like I had planned. I needed to tell them.
"I have to tell you something. I haven't been completely honest with you guys." I say out of the blue.
Gerard's face is skeptical. "How so?" he asks.
"I – I am – I'm…." I stutter on, not quite able to get my words out properly. "I have—I have a condition." I stop for a bit.
"You are…?" Frank prompts me to continue.
"I am—I'm…. I'm uh, I'm really nervous about getting coffee!" I say. I couldn't get myself to say what I needed to say. I just couldn't.
Everyone laughed at me. "You don't have a reason to be nervous!" Mikey said.
"Yeah, last night was great. I always wanted a little sister. It's nice to have one, even if only for a little while." Gerard added.
I smile and thank them. We arrive at the coffee shop and as I get out of the tour bus, I start to get dizzy. "Fuck. Not now." I think. Gerard reached out and grabbed my elbow to balance me.
"You alright? You look pale and sick." He says with concern. Frank and Ray turn around and look at me apprehensively. I smile trying to put them at ease. I don't want them to know about my condition.
"I'll be okay. I think I'm just tired. Coffee will do me some good." I lied. I feel really terrible. I feel light headed and I have a migraine. Maybe coffee will help. Hopefully coffee will help.
We enter the café and order our coffee. Once we sit down, I start to feel really terrible. It must have been prominent on my face because Frank caught on right away.
"Emily? Are you sure you're alright?" He asks with distress. "You look really pale and you're sweating." I could see the anxiety on his face.
"No… I'm fine. I'm…. fine….." I pass out in the coffee shop. The guys jump out of their seats and hover around me.
"Ray, call an ambulance! Now!" Gerard commanded. "Mikey, Get me a wet towel from the workers." Gerard looks around the room and says "Frank! Get me a pillow from that couch. I need to elevate her head." Frank jumps to get the pillow as Mikey returns swiftly with the towel. He places the damp cloth on my forehead and props my head up on the pillow. The ambulance arrives shortly after.
As the paramedics take me out on a stretcher, Gerard looks and asks one of them if he can ride along. They look at each other thoughtfully and say "Sorry, kid. I don't think that you're gonna fit back there with all of us." Gerard grabs his coffee and storms out to the bus. Frank, Ray and Mikey follow after him.
On the way to the hospital, Frank turns to Gerard and asks "Why are you so worried? She's going to be fine." and smiled warmly at him. Gerard nods and drinks his coffee, his leg bobbing up and down as he sits on the couch.
Ray turns and says "Don't worry too much, Gee." Gerard get's infuriated and turns to face Ray angrily.
"Why aren't you guys worrying? Why am I the only one‽ it's like you don't even care!" He takes a deep breath and calms down a bit. Mikey and Frank exchange glances.
"Gerard, we do care about her safety. We are worried, but we just met her, you know? I think you're worrying a little bit too much. We met her less than twenty four hours ago." Mikey explains cautiously. Gerard sighs deeply and pulls out a cigarette.
"I don't know what it is about this girl. She's different. I just met her and I love her, in a completely non-romantic way I might add. I don't want anything to happen to her ever. I just want to protect her from everything that comes her way. I really love this girl, I really do." He sighs and takes a sip of his coffee.
There was an apathetic aura in the atmosphere as the pulls up to the hospital behind the ambulance. As they unload me from the back, Gerard rushes over and walks next to me into the emergency room. They don't let him into the room with me.
"What's wrong with her? What's going on?" He asks the doctors hopelessly. "Please answer me, please." One of the doctors looks at him glumly.
"She didn't tell you." He sighs and continues. "She has a tumor in her brain and was given three months to live about, well, three months ago. We told her to make a bucket list and complete it. You were on it if I recall correctly. I'm sorry to inform you, Mister Way, that she doesn't have very much longer to live. I'd give her twelve hours at the very most." The doctor walks away and Gerard stands there frozen until Mikey, Frank and Ray appear behind him. Mikey extends his hand and places it on his brother's shoulder just as Gerard falls on his knees and starts to sob. Frank rushes to his side and crouches down next to him trying to calm him down.
"Gerard. Gerard, listen to me. It's going to be alright. Please stop crying. Please." Frank continues to plead as Mikey and Ray pull him to his feet and plop him on a chair.
"Gerard, I'm your brother and I care about you. I'm always here for you, okay? Please stop crying. I hate to see you cry; it physically pains me." Gerard stops crying and straightens his hair.
"Sorry." He says solemnly. There was a silence that seemed to echo through the hospital and last for years. Tension was in the air as Gerard stands up and says "I'm going to go see her now."
Frank tries to chase after him but Ray grabs his arm. "Let him go." Ray and Frank's eyes lock for a good three seconds before Ray releases Frank.
Gerard takes a deep breath before opening the door to my room. He walks in calmly and sits on the edge of the bed next to me. I look up at him and smile sickly. Now that I'm in the hospital, I look the part of a dying teenage girl. My skin is pale under the harsh florescent lights and my vision is blurred.
"You came. I was afraid you wouldn't come to visit me." I say jokingly, although I did mean what I was saying.
He sighs and puts his hand on mine. "Why didn't you tell me? It would have been nice to have a heads up about something like this."
My smile quickly fades and I look away from his face. "I didn't want you to worry, or treat me differentially. Everyone else started treating me kindly once I told them. I wanted you to treat me kindly because you liked me, not because I was dying."
It was quiet for a long time until he spoke again. "I'm glad you didn't tell me then, because I know you're right. I thought that if I could get close to one of my fans and give them everything I had to offer, then they would learn from my mistakes and turn out to be great. I chose you because we were so similar. Your story… It changed something in me. I could relate to everything you were saying and I could feel, physically, what you were feeling. It really did change me for the better. Thank you." He said.
I put my other hand on top of his and close my eyes. "I'm glad I changed your life, because you really changed mine; for the better." When I open my eyes back up, he is looking down at his lap.
He looks at me once more. "I guess I just wanted to protect you, like I wish someone had protected me when I had to deal with this bullshit. I wanted to be there for you when you needed me because when this happened to me, I had no one but my brother. You don't even have that so I wanted to give you one. I wanted to be your brother, Emily. I really did."
I am getting lightheaded; I can almost feel myself slipping away. "Gerard…" I can hear the heart rate monitor slowing and my breathing getting heavier. My stomach is tied up in knots.
Gerard looks at me and lets a tear roll down his face. "Emily, I will always love you. I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you from this. I really am. I always wanted a younger sister and it was nice to have one as wonderful as you, even if just for a moment. Goodbye, sis." I smile as I start to slip away. I can feel my life slowly fading. My eyes well up with tears for just a moment as I look at the Gerard with weary eyes.
"Don't—don't feel too bad." I manage to get out. "This …. is what I wanted … all along." I take one last sharp breath in and say "Thank you for everything." The hearts monitor flat lines as he plants a kiss on my forehead.
The color on my face fades quicker than he would have expected. My cheekbones look sunken in, my hair is a mess. This is the image he is left with when he is thinking of me. I hope he remembers me how I was on that first night; happy, flushed pink, alive.
It was a painless death. The medication they gave me really helped. I felt nothing. No physical pain, no mental pain. My problems were finally gone. I am dead; finally I am dead. I've wanted this for such a long time. I've attempted suicide many times before. I am finally dead, lifeless, pale, and beautiful. I even died with a smile on my face.
After ten minutes of staring at my lifeless body, he sheds another tear. Even though he didn't know me long, he knew that I had changed his life forever. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a key, spray painted black with a small silver skull on the top of it. He placed it gently in my hands and swiftly left the room.
He met Frank, Mikey and Ray in the lobby. They all knew by his face that I was gone.
As they got on the bus that night, there was a strange silence that never usually happened. Nobody turned on the TV, or strummed a guitar. Nobody made food in the kitchen, or sung quietly to themselves. Nobody even read comic books. They didn't do anything. They all stared out of a different window, looking at the trees pass the bus, heading to the next city, leaving me behind. After a while, Mikey came over near Gerard and said something.
"Shit happens, whether you like it or not. People come and go, some touch your lives and others are merely extras in the background of the coffee shop. Some you wish could stay longer and some you wish would leave you alone. We all have to deal with it every day of our lives. Everyone deals with death, Gee. It's okay to be sad."
"I just feel like I could have done something, you know? Like if I knew her longer, I could have helped her with her struggles and protected her from the terrible people of the world. I wish I could have. She would have grown to do great things." He sighed and walked over to Frank. He knew that he could confide in his best friend at a time like this. Frank always made him feel better. Always.
As they talked, their relationship grew. Week after week, Frank and him would sit and talk and just smoke cigarettes and share their feelings on the world. It was lovely, but Gerard was becoming very distant from everyone, even Frank. He was becoming very lonely and getting depressed.
Frank came up to him one day and said "Gerard, are you okay? I'm worried sick about you. You never talk anymore; you've stopped drawing, writing songs. The only time I ever hear you sing is when we go onstage. Hell, the only time I hear anything come out of your mouth is when we're performing. I'm worried, Gee…"
"I miss her." He responds. It was quiet for a long time. "You know it's actually funny." Gerard laughed. "Someone I hardly knew, someone who I just met, came into my life for a split second and changed the way I see the entire world." Frank looked at him sadly and sat down.
"The best people in the world can only stay for a short time. That's just the way life works." Frank responded. Gerard looked up at Frank as his eyes welled with tears. He set his hands down into his hands and sighed.
"I wish she could have stayed." Gerard said. Frank pulled Gerard's hands away from his face. Gee looked up at him confused and then leaned over and kissed Frank, tears still running down his face.
Frank pulled away, surprised. He saw Gerard's face and felt bad. Gerard looked terrible, like he just saw a ghost or just witnessed someone murdering his parents. "It's okay…" Frank says. "I didn't mind…" He admitted. You see, Frank has actually liked Gerard for quite some time now. He has always wanted to kiss him.
Gerard looked up at him once more. He didn't like Frank in that way. He didn't know why he kissed Frank. He was just sad, and it made him feel better. "I'm sorry…" Gerard stutters. "I—I… I don't know why I did that."
Frank looks at Gerard sadly. "I liked it." He said. Frank leans in and kisses Gerard passionately. Gerard kisses back. Even though he didn't like Frank, it made him feel better. He felt safe.
Once they stop kissing, Gerard goes to his bunk and closes the curtain, leaving Frank behind. He feels guilty, he can't do that too him. He doesn't have feelings for Frank at all, he just felt better somehow with Frank at his side.
Frank sits there somberly. He does have feelings for Gerard; strong feelings. He loves Gerard, as a brother, as a friend, as a lover… He wishes that Gerard felt the same, but it's impossible. Although Gerard did kiss him, he knows it was to make him feel better; he was using Frank and Frank is fully aware.
The next morning, Frank visits Gerard in his bunk with a freshly brewed cup of coffee in hand. 'We need to kiss again. It just felt right.' Frank thought.
Gerard lies in his bunk soundly; he didn't sleep at all the night before. All he could think about was Frank. He knew that Frank had feelings for him, he always has. Gerard feels like shit for kissing him, but it made himself feel better so maybe it wasn't that bad after all. He has been this depressed in the past. He resorted to drugs and alcohol; at least this isn't self destructive.
Frank arrives at the bunk with coffee in hand. He peers through the small crack in the curtain and is surprised to find Gerard staring at the ceiling. Gerard jumps when Frank taps his shoulder. He was thinking so intensely that he hadn't even noticed Frank's arrival.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you… I brought you coffee. Good morning, Gee." Frank says enthusiastically.
"Oh, thank you. Its fine, I was just thinking a lot…. Listen, Frank… about last night…" As Gerard speaks, he can see Frank begin to grimace; he can almost feel Frank's heart drop to the ground. "I really enjoyed it." Gerard lied. He didn't enjoy it but he couldn't stand to hurt Frank, plus it made him feel better. Frank smiles widely as Gerard completed his statement. He knew Gerard was bullshitting, he knew Gerard didn't like him the way that he wanted him to, but he could hope and he did. He pretends that everything is fine because he loves Gerard, and if he could kiss the one he loves, even through false reasoning, he will.
This goes on for a while; Frank and Gerard secretly hooking up when nobody is looking. It's been three months since my death. Gerard is finding an escape through Frank to deal with the pain and regret that he felt, all while Frank is getting more and more depressed.
Frank knew what he was getting himself into; He knew that Gerard didn't like him, but somehow, he is still sad. He was living in this fantasy world where everything was perfect and Gerard loved him in the way that he loves Gerard and everything was finally coming together, but that's not what was happening. He knew at the beginning that it wouldn't work out, but he went with it anyway. Now, Frank is depressed and on the verge of suicide. He wishes Gerard would love him but he knows that it will never happen.
Frank thinks and thinks about the situation with Gerard. He is found by Mikey the next morning hanging from the light fixture in the bathroom by a cord with his wrists slit. Blood stained the floor and walls and his dead body was still dripping blood. When Mikey opened the door, He screamed and cried and pointed. Ray got him to calm down eventually.
Gerard opens his bunk curtain when Mikey starts to scream. "What's going on?" he asks Ray. "Where's Frank? What happened to Mikey?" Ray looks up at Gerard with teary eyes and an open mouth. He is speechless. Gerard's eyes widen and he rushes over to where they are sitting on the floor.
He looks into the bathroom and keeps a composed face. He lets a tear run down his face but quickly turns to Mikey, who he helps up onto the couch. Mikey rests his head on Ray's leg as Gerard goes into the bathroom to clean up the mess.
Gerard looks on the counter and sees a blood splattered paper. When he looks at it, he sees that it is a note from Frank.
Dear whoever finds me,
I am so fucking sorry. I really am. I can't take this bullshit anymore I've been thinking about this for a long time now… I can't take it anymore. I really can't. Gerard, I love you. I LOVE you, more than anything. There's just one problem, you don't love me back. You love someone else. You love Emily, but she's gone. You needed someone, or something. You got me, but I'm not good enough. You got me but you want her and I can't live on knowing that. I'm so sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. I love you. Don't forget about me.
-Frank.
The first thing he does after reading the note is get Frank down from the lighting fixture. He holds his best friend in his arms and begins to sob. He slides down the wall of the bathroom and sits on the floor holding him in his arms crying. He usually holds his composure around people but breaks down once he is alone. Once he calms down, he stands up and brings Frank to the common area.
"I think we should tell someone about this." Gerard says calmly. At this point, he is covered with blood; Frank's blood. "I don't really know what to do." He says crying again.
Gerard sits alone quietly in the front pew. Mikey and Ray decided to leave him alone for this one. Although everyone loved Frank, Gerard was the closest to him. Gerard is wearing a suit. It makes him feel as if he is in the revenge era again. He thinks of Helena. He thinks of me. Gerard looks up at his best friend lying in a casket and begins to cry. He stands up and walks to the front of the church. When he looks at Frank up close, he can see the makeup. He can see the unnatural pigment of the skin and he knows that if he were to touch him, Frank would not have his soft buoyant skin that he remembers so well.
Gerard reached into his pocket and feels a lighter and a pack of Marlboro cigarettes. He pulls them both out and puts it with Frank. "I'll miss you, Frankie. I love you, a lot. I'm sorry I drove you to this. I mean it. I love you. I'm so fucking sorry." He says with a tear. "I'll see you soon."
Gerard goes to the back of the church where he meets a very depressed Mikey and a very scared Ray. Without a word, he goes back to his bunk where he lies in pain, contemplating suicide. He falls asleep.
He dreams about Frank. He dreams about me. He dreams terrible things. He dreams about death. He dreams about torture. He dreams about hospitals. He dreams of flames. He dreams of blood. He dreams of suicide. He wakes up, shaken and terrified to go back to sleep.
Gerard climbs out of his bunk and makes his way to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. As it brews, Mikey comes into the room. They hold eye contact for a good thirty seconds before they both start sobbing. Gerard kneels on the ground with physical pain; heartache. He feels Frank and I being ripped from his chest, leaving an open wound, so large that nobody can fix it. He lets out a loud cry, ripping through the air. Anyone that could hear it could feel the pain from that scream. You could feel the disappointment and sadness and anxiety. You could feel how broken he was and it was terrifying.
Ray comes into the kitchen out of concern. "Gerard…" he says.
Gerard reaches out to the counter and grabs a knife. He holds it to his wrist. All he needs is a bit of pressure, a bit of courage, and he's dead. He knows it. 'Suicide… a perfect escape.' He thinks.
"Gerard, no, please…! I love you! Please... PLEASE!" Mikey cries. "You're my brother. Don't do it. Don't do it…" He cries again. Mikey approaches Gerard to try to reason with him but Gerard doesn't listen. He takes the knife and stabs his brother in the neck.
Mikey drops to the ground as blood spurts from his neck, creating a blood puddle large enough to be from edge to edge of the bus. Gerard pulls the knife from his brother's neck and looks at what he has done.
Ray runs to Mikey, horrified and watches Gerard take the blade to his own neck. "I loved her. I fucking loved her and she left me. She didn't stay. Frank left too. Frank left me and it's my fault. Mikey is gone now too. My own brother. I killed him. I killed my brother. I killed Frank. I killed Frank. I killed Mikey." He is sobbing while saying this and Ray tries to hold his arms back to prevent him from doing anything.
Gerard breaks free of Rays grasp and makes two deep gashes down each of his forearms. He bleeds. "THIS IS WHAT I DESERVE! I KILLED HIM! I KILLED FRANK! I KILLED MIKEY! I killed Frank….. I—I killed Mikey…" He cries as he drops to the ground next to his brother and looks up. "I'll see you all soon. I love you, Frank. I love you, Em."Gerard's eyes open and there is a smile on his face. He's dead. Blood is everywhere. Ray doesn't know what to do. All of his friends are dead.
Ray cries for a long time and stands up. He makes his way to the bathroom and reaches into the cabinet. Five minutes later, he drops dead in his own blood. Bleach. Everyone is dead.
"Emily?" I look up to see a tall bald man in a dress shirt. He has a headset around his neck and he is looking at me, I can tell he is judging my appearance.
"Yeah, that's me." I respond. I think he could hear the nervousness in my voice because he smiled a little.
"Right this way." As I stand up off of the plastic chair, I decide it's best to stop thinking. Over thinking ruins everything. I just killed off the entire band as well as myself in ten minutes. We stop next to a metal door and he opens it. "I'll be back in an hour." He says and walks off.
I enter the room to see four smiling faces. The room is an off white paint with a couch on the wall directly as you walk in, a table and chairs off to the left side, and a TV mounted on the wall to the right. My eyes light up as Mikey comes up and shakes my hand.
"I'm Mikey. That's Gerard, Ray, and Frank." I smile like an idiot. I can see that they're amused by their expressions. Ray looks at me in a confused way, as if he is searching for something.
"And you are?" Ray laughs.
"Oh uhm… I'm Emily. Yeah… Emily." I stutter as I speak. Ray and Mikey look pleased and Frank starts to laugh a bit.
I am here with My Chemical Romance; in a room with my idols, for an hour. Nothing happens. I tell Gerard my Helena story and start crying. He hugs me and tells me to be strong. They don't invite me onstage. When the bald man comes back and tells me I need to leave, he doesn't protest. I leave with him in the shirt I was wearing. I have signed Polaroid pictures and good memories. They don't call me up for coffee the next day. Nobody cries over me, Frank and Gerard never kiss, nobody dies. I didn't touch Gerard's heart and he didn't feel motivated to be my mentor to protect me from the cruelty of the world. He doesn't take me to the hospital; he doesn't even visit me in the hospital. It was as plain and simple as that. I died alone. Everyone does.
THE END